<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">No matter how you experience desire, Dipsea can be the spark.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://www.dipseastories.com/subscribe/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=responsiveblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

Time is a flat circle, according to Matthew McConaughey. I’ll listen to anything he says in his drawl, honestly, but that phrase in particular always stuck with me. It was the one ringing in my head this week when I found Emily Nagoski’s 2015 New York Times Op-Ed, “Nothing is Wrong with your Sex Drive.” It was written three years ago, but it's the same conversation I find myself having over and over again today. 

Dr. Nagoski wrote the article in response to the news that Sprout Pharmaceuticals was resubmitting its drug Flibanserin to the FDA, a drug meant to treat low libido in women. The major problem, as she saw it? That the company was trying to treat something that *isn’t a disease*. 

Fast forward three years. Flibanserin has gotten a millennial pink rebrand as Addyi, and is popping up on billboards all over San Francisco, and on ads in my Instagram feed. Instead of focusing on the company behind the ads, I’d rather focus on the cultural issues they’re still capitalizing on. 

Think about it for a second: do you yourself buy into the cultural narrative that women are less sexual than men? There are all sorts of societal myths on how much we should want, and like, and have sex. Too many women believe that their sex drive, or their very experience of sexuality, is disordered. That they don't want sex enough, that real pleasure and orgasm are out of reach, that something's broken. Inversely, women who want and express their desire for sex frequently have to deal with the perception that this is somehow "wrong" too.

> Too many women believe that their sex drive, or their very experience of sexuality, is disordered.

These pervasive beliefs, this list of “shoulds” we’re framing our sexual lives with, are leaving room for companies to sell pharmaceutical solutions to “fix it”.

So what if we took a step back and tried to tell the story another way. For millennia, male sexuality has dictated the cultural understanding of what a sex drive is, what arousal is, what orgasm is. Imagine if, instead of saying what is true for men should be true for women, we examined what other options there were. 

In other words, let’s stop viewing low female libido as a *disorder*, but rather as a *symptom*. A symptom of a culture that hasn’t asked women what they really need to feel sexual. It’s simply a misconception, held by men and women alike, that female desire should work like men’s.

> It's simply a misconception that female desire should work like men's. 

One of the most exciting things I’ve discovered in all my reading on sexuality is an idea called responsive vs. spontaneous desire. “Spontaneous desire” is the one we’re all most familiar with: I want you, I need you, oh baby oh baby. Sudden, intense, and immediate desire that makes arousal easy. 

But “Responsive desire" is what a lot of people (notably, women—but of course, not all women) actually experience. Instead of existing as a random urge, desire surfaces as a response: maybe a partner giving you a back massage. Or, if we’re being really honest, desire surfaces in response to a back massage...when the lighting is really good, and you went to the gym this morning and feel strong, and you’re also blissfully not at all stressed about work this week. 

Do you get where I’m going with this? In what we’ll call “highly erotic contexts”, when things feel “just right,” most women have a much easier time unlocking their sexuality. Wonderful, important work by sexuality researchers and psychologists like Dr. Emily Nagoski means we’re coming to a new understanding—women are actually just as sexual as men, they’re just more likely to experience responsive sexual desire. That knowledge is incredibly empowering. It will help to take a lot of the shame out of the equation, and pave the way for new paradigms and solutions for women to context set, get in the flow, set the mood, get turned on, whatever you want to call it. 

And guess what? That’s exactly what we’re trying to do at Dipsea. Ready to expreience it for yourself? Begin a 7-day free trial today and start exploring! 

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://www.dipseastories.com/subscribe/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=responsiveblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

_Learn more about Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire in Dr. Emily Nagoski’s book "Come As You Are"._


Time is a flat circle, according to Matthew McConaughey. I’ll listen to anything he says in his drawl, honestly, but that phrase in particular always stuck with me. It was the one ringing in my head this week when I found Emily Nagoski’s 2015 New York Times Op-Ed, “Nothing is Wrong with your Sex Drive.” It was written three years ago, but it's the same conversation I find myself having over and over again today. 

Dr. Nagoski wrote the article in response to the news that Sprout Pharmaceuticals was resubmitting its drug Flibanserin to the FDA, a drug meant to treat low libido in women. The major problem, as she saw it? That the company was trying to treat something that *isn’t a disease*. 

Fast forward three years. Flibanserin has gotten a millennial pink rebrand as Addyi, and is popping up on billboards all over San Francisco, and on ads in my Instagram feed. Instead of focusing on the company behind the ads, I’d rather focus on the cultural issues they’re still capitalizing on. 

Think about it for a second: do you yourself buy into the cultural narrative that women are less sexual than men? There are all sorts of societal myths on how much we should want, and like, and have sex. Too many women believe that their sex drive, or their very experience of sexuality, is disordered. That they don't want sex enough, that real pleasure and orgasm are out of reach, that something's broken. Inversely, women who want and express their desire for sex frequently have to deal with the perception that this is somehow "wrong" too.

> Too many women believe that their sex drive, or their very experience of sexuality, is disordered.

These pervasive beliefs, this list of “shoulds” we’re framing our sexual lives with, are leaving room for companies to sell pharmaceutical solutions to “fix it”.

So what if we took a step back and tried to tell the story another way. For millennia, male sexuality has dictated the cultural understanding of what a sex drive is, what arousal is, what orgasm is. Imagine if, instead of saying what is true for men should be true for women, we examined what other options there were. 

In other words, let’s stop viewing low female libido as a *disorder*, but rather as a *symptom*. A symptom of a culture that hasn’t asked women what they really need to feel sexual. It’s simply a misconception, held by men and women alike, that female desire should work like men’s.

> It's simply a misconception that female desire should work like men's. 

One of the most exciting things I’ve discovered in all my reading on sexuality is an idea called responsive vs. spontaneous desire. “Spontaneous desire” is the one we’re all most familiar with: I want you, I need you, oh baby oh baby. Sudden, intense, and immediate desire that makes arousal easy. 

But “Responsive desire" is what a lot of people (notably, women—but of course, not all women) actually experience. Instead of existing as a random urge, desire surfaces as a response: maybe a partner giving you a back massage. Or, if we’re being really honest, desire surfaces in response to a back massage...when the lighting is really good, and you went to the gym this morning and feel strong, and you’re also blissfully not at all stressed about work this week. 

Do you get where I’m going with this? In what we’ll call “highly erotic contexts”, when things feel “just right,” most women have a much easier time unlocking their sexuality. Wonderful, important work by sexuality researchers and psychologists like Dr. Emily Nagoski means we’re coming to a new understanding—women are actually just as sexual as men, they’re just more likely to experience responsive sexual desire. That knowledge is incredibly empowering. It will help to take a lot of the shame out of the equation, and pave the way for new paradigms and solutions for women to context set, get in the flow, set the mood, get turned on, whatever you want to call it. 

And guess what? That’s exactly what we’re trying to do at Dipsea. Ready to expreience it for yourself? Begin a 7-day free trial today and start exploring! 

_Learn more about Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire in Dr. Emily Nagoski’s book "Come As You Are"._

Understanding responsive vs. spontaneous desire

Responsive-vs-Spontantious

Responsive vs. spontaneous desire

No matter how you experience desire, Dipsea can be the spark.

Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in.

share-image-dusk

Welcome to The Deep Dive , a bright spot on the internet to let your hair down, get curious, and dive into the wonder and joy of sex and intimacy.

Welcome to The Deep Dive, a bright spot on the internet to let your hair down, get curious, and dive into the wonder and joy of sex and intimacy.

Dipsea Blog - The Deep Dive 

Dipsea Blog | Welcome to The Deep Dive , a bright spot on the internet to let your hair down, get curious, and dive into the wonder and joy of sex and intimacy.

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to take your next solo sesh to a whole new level? That's what Dipsea is for.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=makeyourselfcumblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

If you've landed on this article, chances are you've been having a little trouble in the orgasm department. The truth is, if you don't know how to make yourself cum, a partner might not know either. We’re a fan of exploring all the beautiful parts of your own body and learning what it takes to see fireworks, especially if you're hoping for partnered sex to get you there. 

That's where a healthy masturbation habit comes in. If you're new to masturbation, feeling a little weird about it, or have just found that it does nothing for you, we're here to help. Learning how to make yourself cum takes practice and patience, so start by giving yourself a break, taking a deep breath, and coming at this with fresh eyes and possibly some fun sex toys. Get excited, you're about to have an orgasm.

## You're not alone

Before we dive into the deep end of all things orgasm, we want to first emphasize that you’re not alone. About 10-15% of women have [never had an orgasm](https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001953.htm#:~:text=About%2010%25%20to%2015%25%20of,for%20an%20orgasm%20to%20happen.), and orgasmic challenges are the [second most frequently reported sexual issue](https://www.nature.com/articles/ijir20148#ref-CR4) in women. The reasons for this vary, including psychological and emotional state (especially anxiety), past traumas, a sense of unsafety, low self-esteem, and feelings of sexual openness with a partner. These are [all contributors](https://bedbible.com/orgasm-statistics/) to why vulva owners can have difficulty, even more so than a lack of experience with masturbation or sexual partners. 

So, while we'll focus on helping you figure out how to make yourself cum, the mechanics will only get you so far if you're experiencing some of these other roadblocks. Let's first try and get you into the mindset and then go over some masturbation techniques.

## Masturbation 101: mindset, setup, and orgasm

Plenty of vulva owners grew up conditioned to feel shame around masturbation and sexual pleasure in general. While we can't instantly take away this mental block, we do want to emphasize that masturbation is healthy and normal. 

Sex, sexual health, pleasure, exploration, masturbation, and orgasms are all natural, good, and important parts of living a happy, healthy life. There’s no shame in experiencing pleasure and no reason to be embarrassed.

There’s also the possibility that you’re putting [too much pressure on yourself](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/stop-obsessing-over-orgasms/) if you’ve never experienced an orgasm. Give yourself a break and take the pressure off of the experience before going into it. If you've never experienced an orgasm before, either with yourself or with a partner, try to relax as the first step. It's a journey of learning and self-love, so start with that.

### Pamper yourself

Self-love is the name of the game here. Consider creating a [solo sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/solo-sex/) experience, which is a little more involved than going straight into masturbating. In solo sex, you're seducing yourself to help ease you into the [right mindset](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/women-sex-drive/) for self-pleasure and exploration. This first time may not yield the result you're looking for, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself and the process. And you never know, this new approach could be exactly what you need to cross over into O-land. 

Try relaxing your muscles with a warm bubble bath. Rub scented oil on yourself afterward. Put on a [sexy playlist](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/summer-bedroom-jams/) and dance in the mirror, admiring your own body.

### Set the scene

Create the most relaxing environment possible for your solo sex sesh. For you that might mean cleaning up your room or changing the sheets before you get started. You might light some candles or diffuse some essential oils and put on your favorite underwear. 

Dim the lights, keep your playlist going, or turn on some audio erotica from [Dipsea](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/self-touch-sensation-play) to provide some sonic sexiness while you explore.

### Take a deep breath ... or 10

[Breathwork](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/breathing-deeply-basics) can be amazingly stimulating—but also relaxing. It's interesting that you'd want both sensations during a solo sesh, but when you think about it, you really do. 

[Deep breathing](https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/stress/why-deep-breathing-makes-you-feel-so-chill) helps put your sympathetic nervous system (the one that governs your stress, nervousness, and anxiety) on pause and allows your parasympathetic nervous system (the one that controls rest and relaxation) to take over. In fact, it's literally impossible for your body to release stress hormones when your parasympathetic nervous system is in charge. Try closing your eyes and counting to five on the inhale and then five on the exhale. Once you're comfortable with that, bump it up to a seven-count. Notice how your body feels as you breathe. 

As for stimulation, deep breathing brings oxygen into your bloodstream and to all the body parts that need it. Sexologist Jessica O'Reilly suggests [taking deep breaths during masturbation](https://www.self.com/story/better-orgasms-breathing) to help increase blood flow to the genitals and increase sensation. While you don't want to focus so hard on your breath that you take your mind completely away from the task at hand, try breathing as you move your own hands across your body.

### Foreplay

So far, all the instructions we've outlined constitute light foreplay. Now it's time to get into a more body-based activity. You can keep breathing through all of this, but just let it flow if you feel like there are too many balls in the air. 

If you've had some partnered sexual experiences, you know that there's nothing like foreplay to get wet and stimulate your body. With solo sex, it's no different. Gently stroke your chest with the tips of your fingers, running them down between your breasts and encircling each one. If you like nipple play (or aren't sure if you do), stop on each one and give each one some gentle attention or a light squeeze. Trace the lines of your belly down to the line of your pubic hair and stroke the outside of your vulva gently. 

Again, try to release any expectations of orgasm on this journey, and just notice what feels good and how your body reacts to each sensation.

### Explore how to make yourself cum

Your vulva is a multi-faceted organ with components that can enhance your sexual experience and build pleasure that leads to orgasm. Many sex blogs and podcasts focus on the clitoris and clitoral stimulation, and while that's fantastic (and definitely something to build up to), going straight to the most sensitive part of your anatomy might be a little aggressive, especially if you've been having orgasmic challenges. Your clitoris has [8,000 nerve endings](https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/the-clitoris-has-8-000-nerve-endings-and-nine-other-things-we-learned-from-a-new-artwork-1.2947694#:~:text=There%20are%20more%20than%208%2C000,erectile%20tissue%2C%20muscle%20and%20nerves.) in it, so it's incredibly sensitive. Depending on how you're built, you may never want to go straight at it without a barrier like the clitoral hood or a pair of underwear to help soften the sensation. 

But there's only one way to find out!

Start by exploring the whole vulvar landscape. This includes your outer and inner labia (the lips or folds of skin around the opening of your vagina), the hood of your clitoris (which encircles the top and sides of your clit and protects it from overstimulation), and even the tender skin where your legs meet your crotch. Spend a minute or two with each part, notice if your body reacts as you gently stroke each area. 

You might find it helpful to use lube or coconut oil to make gliding across these body parts easier. You might also notice that tilting your pelvis forward in a sort of tucked butt flex position increases sensation in some of these areas. You could also pulse your hips forward and back to stimulate the interior of your vagina as you play with the exterior with your fingers. 

If you find that touching a particular area starts creating a warm buildup inside of you, begin moving your fingers faster on that area to see if that increases the pleasure. If it does, keep going. You're well on your way to learning just what an orgasm feels like.

## Types of orgasms

So everything we just talked about was all about externally derived orgasms. That's because most vulva owners find that [external (clitoral) stimulation is critical](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28678639/) to reaching an orgasm, and vaginal penetration alone just doesn't do it. But that doesn't mean that there's no pleasure in vaginal penetration. On the contrary, vaginal penetration coupled with clitoral stimulation can actually result in mind-blowing orgasms, especially if the penetration involves hitting the g-spot. 

Some vulva owners have both clitoral orgasms and g-spot orgasms at the same time, which some call full-body orgasms. 

If you're curious about penetration during your solo play, don't shy away from it. Try using your fingers or a toy (like a dildo or vibrator). Slowly insert a finger into your vagina and try pulling it in and out, or stroking the vaginal wall on the front of your body to try to find the g-spot. It might even feel good to just experience the fullness of having fingers or a toy inside of you without moving them. There’s no wrong way to do this!

You can alternate between penetration and playing with the clitoris and touching your body. Chances are high that if you're learning how to make yourself cum for the first time, the outside bits are going to be the key. 

## How to use toys

Sex toys are most certainly welcome in solo play. When you're by yourself, the sky's the limit.

As a [first-timer](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-toys-for-beginners/), you might consider getting a bullet vibrator or something designed specifically for external stimulation to help you discover which parts of your vulva provide the most pleasure. There are a number of options that offer different speeds and pulse patterns, which is a great way to start because you want to make sure you have the option to ramp up the power on your toy. (For example, magic wands are very powerful, so that would be an advanced toy for your first purchase.) Check out this article for more tips on [how to purchase and use a vibrator](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-use-a-vibrator-tips-for-choosing-and-using-a-new-toy/).

One more thing you could try in the area of assisted orgasms is a little tool you don't have to purchase at all: the showerhead or bathtub faucet. If you have a hot tub in your backyard, a hot tub jet works too.

Stand in the shower and let your handheld showerhead flow against your vulva. Play with the settings to see which one you like best. Or lay with your butt against the front wall of your tub, legs straight up in a V-shape on either side of the faucet (this position might be too hard for some, and that's fine, no biggie). In the hot tub, face the jets and see how it goes.

Warm, pressurized water can have a way of working magic on your entire genital area. Even if you can't quite get all the way to the finish line using water, it's a fun way to get yourself going.

## The big O

So how do you know if you’re getting close? If you’ve never had an orgasm, then you might be wondering how you know if you’re getting warmer or colder. While everyone is different, there are a few potential signs that you’re doing what your body likes. 

First and foremost, as you become aroused and heading toward climax, your clitoris becomes more sensitive (usually in a good way) to what you’re doing to it or around it (sometimes it’s so sensitive you don't even need to touch it directly). A warm feeling might begin traveling upward from your vulva. You might begin breathing more heavily. Your body might want to tense up to increase the sensation. 

In some cases, it might feel a little like you have to pee as you get closer. If this makes you nervous, try playing in the bathtub or shower so that you can give yourself permission to just go with it. You probably won’t pee, but you might. And some vulva owners squirt (it’s normal, and it’s also a [whole other conversation](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25545022/#:~:text=Conclusions%3A%20The%20present%20data%20based,the%20emitted%20fluid%20often%20exists.) if you're curious), but many don't!

It’s called a climax for a reason. If you’ve reached it, you’ll feel a peak of sensation in your genitals as your muscles contract repeatedly—many compare it to a warm throbbing feeling or a surge of pleasure. Your heart will beat faster, your breath will speed up, you might involuntarily twitch, moan, or lift your pelvis, and your fingers and toes might curl. And chances are, when you’re finished, you won’t want to touch anything down there for a few minutes at least, as it will be highly sensitive and stimulated.

## It's time

The best way to learn is to do, so it's time to give all these suggestions a try. You deserve to feel good and enjoy your sex life, no matter if it's a solo sex life or a partnered one. The tips we've shared will surely help you get closer to the orgasmic feeling you're after. Just don't give up if it doesn't happen on your first try. To help you get started, take a listen to these guided self-touch sessions, in which you'll explore the various sensations in your body and even get into some gentle toy play. 

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=makeyourselfcumblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

<div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/series/self-touch-male-narrator-series?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=makeyourselfcumblog">
    <img src="////images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/6t8WfeHVplrAyi7cccPNzj/90a840545859b211dbe09451cf74f19e/500-352_Self_Touch_Gabby-fs8.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Glow Up</p>
  </a>
</div>

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/series/self-touch-male-narrator-series?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=makeyourselfcumblog">
    <img src="//images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/7L85SfC635CNby3y1Gb5Zl/d4b27a0317915cb12affcc27cadd67e1/500-370_SelfTouch_Gabby-fs8.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Mix It Up</p>
  </a>
</div>

</div>
</div>

If you've landed on this article, chances are you've been having a little trouble in the orgasm department. The truth is, if you don't know how to make yourself cum, a partner might not know either. We’re a fan of exploring all the beautiful parts of your own body and learning what it takes to see fireworks, especially if you're hoping for partnered sex to get you there. 

That's where a healthy masturbation habit comes in. If you're new to masturbation, feeling a little weird about it, or have just found that it does nothing for you, we're here to help. Learning how to make yourself cum takes practice and patience, so start by giving yourself a break, taking a deep breath, and coming at this with fresh eyes and possibly some fun sex toys. Get excited, you're about to have an orgasm.

## You're not alone

Before we dive into the deep end of all things orgasm, we want to first emphasize that you’re not alone. About 10-15% of women have [never had an orgasm](https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001953.htm#:~:text=About%2010%25%20to%2015%25%20of,for%20an%20orgasm%20to%20happen.), and orgasmic challenges are the [second most frequently reported sexual issue](https://www.nature.com/articles/ijir20148#ref-CR4) in women. The reasons for this vary, including psychological and emotional state (especially anxiety), past traumas, a sense of unsafety, low self-esteem, and feelings of sexual openness with a partner. These are [all contributors](https://bedbible.com/orgasm-statistics/) to why vulva owners can have difficulty, even more so than a lack of experience with masturbation or sexual partners. 

So, while we'll focus on helping you figure out how to make yourself cum, the mechanics will only get you so far if you're experiencing some of these other roadblocks. Let's first try and get you into the mindset and then go over some masturbation techniques.

## Masturbation 101: mindset, setup, and orgasm

Plenty of vulva owners grew up conditioned to feel shame around masturbation and sexual pleasure in general. While we can't instantly take away this mental block, we do want to emphasize that masturbation is healthy and normal. 

Sex, sexual health, pleasure, exploration, masturbation, and orgasms are all natural, good, and important parts of living a happy, healthy life. There’s no shame in experiencing pleasure and no reason to be embarrassed.

There’s also the possibility that you’re putting [too much pressure on yourself](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/stop-obsessing-over-orgasms/) if you’ve never experienced an orgasm. Give yourself a break and take the pressure off of the experience before going into it. If you've never experienced an orgasm before, either with yourself or with a partner, try to relax as the first step. It's a journey of learning and self-love, so start with that.

### Pamper yourself

Self-love is the name of the game here. Consider creating a [solo sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/solo-sex/) experience, which is a little more involved than going straight into masturbating. In solo sex, you're seducing yourself to help ease you into the [right mindset](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/women-sex-drive/) for self-pleasure and exploration. This first time may not yield the result you're looking for, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself and the process. And you never know, this new approach could be exactly what you need to cross over into O-land. 

Try relaxing your muscles with a warm bubble bath. Rub scented oil on yourself afterward. Put on a [sexy playlist](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/summer-bedroom-jams/) and dance in the mirror, admiring your own body.

### Set the scene

Create the most relaxing environment possible for your solo sex sesh. For you that might mean cleaning up your room or changing the sheets before you get started. You might light some candles or diffuse some essential oils and put on your favorite underwear. 

Dim the lights, keep your playlist going, or turn on some audio erotica from [Dipsea](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/self-touch-sensation-play) to provide some sonic sexiness while you explore.

### Take a deep breath ... or 10

[Breathwork](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/breathing-deeply-basics) can be amazingly stimulating—but also relaxing. It's interesting that you'd want both sensations during a solo sesh, but when you think about it, you really do. 

[Deep breathing](https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/stress/why-deep-breathing-makes-you-feel-so-chill) helps put your sympathetic nervous system (the one that governs your stress, nervousness, and anxiety) on pause and allows your parasympathetic nervous system (the one that controls rest and relaxation) to take over. In fact, it's literally impossible for your body to release stress hormones when your parasympathetic nervous system is in charge. Try closing your eyes and counting to five on the inhale and then five on the exhale. Once you're comfortable with that, bump it up to a seven-count. Notice how your body feels as you breathe. 

As for stimulation, deep breathing brings oxygen into your bloodstream and to all the body parts that need it. Sexologist Jessica O'Reilly suggests [taking deep breaths during masturbation](https://www.self.com/story/better-orgasms-breathing) to help increase blood flow to the genitals and increase sensation. While you don't want to focus so hard on your breath that you take your mind completely away from the task at hand, try breathing as you move your own hands across your body.

### Foreplay

So far, all the instructions we've outlined constitute light foreplay. Now it's time to get into a more body-based activity. You can keep breathing through all of this, but just let it flow if you feel like there are too many balls in the air. 

If you've had some partnered sexual experiences, you know that there's nothing like foreplay to get wet and stimulate your body. With solo sex, it's no different. Gently stroke your chest with the tips of your fingers, running them down between your breasts and encircling each one. If you like nipple play (or aren't sure if you do), stop on each one and give each one some gentle attention or a light squeeze. Trace the lines of your belly down to the line of your pubic hair and stroke the outside of your vulva gently. 

Again, try to release any expectations of orgasm on this journey, and just notice what feels good and how your body reacts to each sensation.

### Explore how to make yourself cum

Your vulva is a multi-faceted organ with components that can enhance your sexual experience and build pleasure that leads to orgasm. Many sex blogs and podcasts focus on the clitoris and clitoral stimulation, and while that's fantastic (and definitely something to build up to), going straight to the most sensitive part of your anatomy might be a little aggressive, especially if you've been having orgasmic challenges. Your clitoris has [8,000 nerve endings](https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/the-clitoris-has-8-000-nerve-endings-and-nine-other-things-we-learned-from-a-new-artwork-1.2947694#:~:text=There%20are%20more%20than%208%2C000,erectile%20tissue%2C%20muscle%20and%20nerves.) in it, so it's incredibly sensitive. Depending on how you're built, you may never want to go straight at it without a barrier like the clitoral hood or a pair of underwear to help soften the sensation. 

But there's only one way to find out!

Start by exploring the whole vulvar landscape. This includes your outer and inner labia (the lips or folds of skin around the opening of your vagina), the hood of your clitoris (which encircles the top and sides of your clit and protects it from overstimulation), and even the tender skin where your legs meet your crotch. Spend a minute or two with each part, notice if your body reacts as you gently stroke each area. 

You might find it helpful to use lube or coconut oil to make gliding across these body parts easier. You might also notice that tilting your pelvis forward in a sort of tucked butt flex position increases sensation in some of these areas. You could also pulse your hips forward and back to stimulate the interior of your vagina as you play with the exterior with your fingers. 

If you find that touching a particular area starts creating a warm buildup inside of you, begin moving your fingers faster on that area to see if that increases the pleasure. If it does, keep going. You're well on your way to learning just what an orgasm feels like.

## Types of orgasms

So everything we just talked about was all about externally derived orgasms. That's because most vulva owners find that [external (clitoral) stimulation is critical](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28678639/) to reaching an orgasm, and vaginal penetration alone just doesn't do it. But that doesn't mean that there's no pleasure in vaginal penetration. On the contrary, vaginal penetration coupled with clitoral stimulation can actually result in mind-blowing orgasms, especially if the penetration involves hitting the g-spot. 

Some vulva owners have both clitoral orgasms and g-spot orgasms at the same time, which some call full-body orgasms. 

If you're curious about penetration during your solo play, don't shy away from it. Try using your fingers or a toy (like a dildo or vibrator). Slowly insert a finger into your vagina and try pulling it in and out, or stroking the vaginal wall on the front of your body to try to find the g-spot. It might even feel good to just experience the fullness of having fingers or a toy inside of you without moving them. There’s no wrong way to do this!

You can alternate between penetration and playing with the clitoris and touching your body. Chances are high that if you're learning how to make yourself cum for the first time, the outside bits are going to be the key. 

## How to use toys

Sex toys are most certainly welcome in solo play. When you're by yourself, the sky's the limit.

As a [first-timer](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-toys-for-beginners/), you might consider getting a bullet vibrator or something designed specifically for external stimulation to help you discover which parts of your vulva provide the most pleasure. There are a number of options that offer different speeds and pulse patterns, which is a great way to start because you want to make sure you have the option to ramp up the power on your toy. (For example, magic wands are very powerful, so that would be an advanced toy for your first purchase.) Check out this article for more tips on [how to purchase and use a vibrator](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-use-a-vibrator-tips-for-choosing-and-using-a-new-toy/).

One more thing you could try in the area of assisted orgasms is a little tool you don't have to purchase at all: the showerhead or bathtub faucet. If you have a hot tub in your backyard, a hot tub jet works too.

Stand in the shower and let your handheld showerhead flow against your vulva. Play with the settings to see which one you like best. Or lay with your butt against the front wall of your tub, legs straight up in a V-shape on either side of the faucet (this position might be too hard for some, and that's fine, no biggie). In the hot tub, face the jets and see how it goes.

Warm, pressurized water can have a way of working magic on your entire genital area. Even if you can't quite get all the way to the finish line using water, it's a fun way to get yourself going.

## The big O

So how do you know if you’re getting close? If you’ve never had an orgasm, then you might be wondering how you know if you’re getting warmer or colder. While everyone is different, there are a few potential signs that you’re doing what your body likes. 

First and foremost, as you become aroused and heading toward climax, your clitoris becomes more sensitive (usually in a good way) to what you’re doing to it or around it (sometimes it’s so sensitive you don't even need to touch it directly). A warm feeling might begin traveling upward from your vulva. You might begin breathing more heavily. Your body might want to tense up to increase the sensation. 

In some cases, it might feel a little like you have to pee as you get closer. If this makes you nervous, try playing in the bathtub or shower so that you can give yourself permission to just go with it. You probably won’t pee, but you might. And some vulva owners squirt (it’s normal, and it’s also a [whole other conversation](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25545022/#:~:text=Conclusions%3A%20The%20present%20data%20based,the%20emitted%20fluid%20often%20exists.) if you're curious), but many don't!

It’s called a climax for a reason. If you’ve reached it, you’ll feel a peak of sensation in your genitals as your muscles contract repeatedly—many compare it to a warm throbbing feeling or a surge of pleasure. Your heart will beat faster, your breath will speed up, you might involuntarily twitch, moan, or lift your pelvis, and your fingers and toes might curl. And chances are, when you’re finished, you won’t want to touch anything down there for a few minutes at least, as it will be highly sensitive and stimulated.

## It's time

The best way to learn is to do, so it's time to give all these suggestions a try. You deserve to feel good and enjoy your sex life, no matter if it's a solo sex life or a partnered one. The tips we've shared will surely help you get closer to the orgasmic feeling you're after. Just don't give up if it doesn't happen on your first try. To help you get started, take a listen to these guided self-touch sessions, in which you'll explore the various sensations in your body and even get into some gentle toy play. 

While it may be your first orgasm, you don't have to figure it out alone. Learn exactly how to make yourself cum with a fun, nonjudgmental guide.

Your first solo orgasm: How to make yourself cum

Make-Yourself-Cum

Ready to take your next solo sesh to a whole new level? That's what Dipsea is for.

Women don't have as many orgasms as men. This orgasm gap exists mainly because most women don’t grow up learning about female sexual pleasure. If we don't know how to bring our bodies to orgasm, it's almost impossible to expect your partner to know (but a little googling never hurt anyone!). 

Because women tend to use mental framing to get turned on, one of the keys to earth-shattering sexual experiences is to know what turns your mind on. Once you activate your arousal, you can discover what sorts of touch your body prefers. After you’ve done that, it’s a whole lot easier to communicate your needs to a partner. 

People often forget that mind-blowing sexual experiences are an [essential part of overall health](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/316954). Sex is good for your mental health, heart, relationships, and even your immune system. It’s time to prioritize good sex. 

Erotic fiction is an effective tool for preparing your body for sex—either solo or partnered. Listening to erotica can do more than help you get in the mood. Erotic short stories can help you understand your sexual desires, build intimacy with yourself or a partner, and give you the sexual confidence you crave. Here’s a look at the key benefits of listening to erotic short stories.

## 1. Erotic short stories help women identify their sexual desires
There's a strong [link between sexual fantasizing and having a satisfying sex life](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199509/the-safest-sex). Sexual fantasies are healthy and normal, but many women worry they aren't.

Society often teaches women to hide their desires which means many women might not even discuss fantasies with their best friends. 

When women grow up being socialized to not talk about sex beyond whatever reproductive health course is offered in their high school (which are, all too often, not that great!), they don't learn about desire or arousal, the first two steps in the sexual response cycle. 

In addition to sub-par formal sex education, women recieve incomplete social messaging about what their sexual desires are supposed to be. We hear things about how [men supposedly have higher sex drives](https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20160630-the-enduring-enigma-of-female-desire) than women, instead of learning about the natural [variablity of sex drives](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/navigating-mismatched-desire/) regardless of gender.  

Combine the lack of comprehensive sex-ed with the socialization women receive regarding gender stereotypes and women wind up not knowing what they want in the bedroom (or the kitchen or the shower). We worry that our fantasies of taking or relinquishing control are misguided. We fear that our sex drives are too high or too low. 

And all that worry can make your vulva as responsive as an uncharged vibrator. 

The first step to satisfying sex is identifying what you want out of your sexual experiences. Indulging in [a story about one of your fantasies](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/a-brief-sexy-history-of-erotica/) will prep your mind for sex. But, it may also help you figure out whether you enjoy thinking about romance, BDSM, orgies, casual sexual encounters, or something else.

Erotica can help you experience any fetish you desire without needing to step through the doors of a BDSM dungeon. Steamy stories let women explore sexual fantasies from a safe distance. 

For some women, listening to erotic stories helps them decide they want to move one of those fantasies from hypothetical to real life. Erotica can give them the language they need to communicate that desire to a partner. 

Identifying your sexual desires is the first step toward a satisfying sex life. 

## 2. Erotica helps women become more intimate with themselves

Mindfulness practices, such as meditation, help us connect with ourselves. The first time you try to meditate, your mind wanders from your breathing to the pile of laundry.  You get stuck in a constant state of trying to pull your mind back to meditating, and eventually it works. For many, guided meditation is the answer to a wandering mind. 

Women who masturbate regularly know their bodies and what turns them on. Unfortunately, for many women, getting in the right mindset for arousal is difficult. Sex stories, especially erotic audio, serve as a guided meditation, helping you connect with your sexual self. 

Listening to erotic short stories can keep your mind focused on arousal and away from the laundry room, the board room, or whatever kind of room your mind gets stuck in. Once your mindset is taken care of, you can focus on the task at hand. 

Spending time experimenting with different types of touch will help you learn whether you prefer a vibrating or sucking sensation, and whether internal or external stimulation is really what gets you there. [The more you masturbate](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/masturbating-is-important-even-when-youre-in-a-relationship/), the more you’ll come to know about your preferences. And that intimate knowledge translates to more orgasms during solo or partnered sex.

## 3. Sexy short stories increase intimacy with your partner

Women who masturbate regularly and are intimately connected with their sexual self have more orgasms during solo sex. What's more, they can take that same sexual energy to their partnered sex.

Erotic short stories do more than improve your masturbation sessions. Listening to examples of erotic fantasy can help you become more comfortable talking about what interests you sexually. Your partner wants to know what gets you off. It's on you to tell them, but because discussing sex openly and honestly isn’t something we see frequently, it can be hard to [confidently articulate it](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stress-and-sex/201712/sexual-communication-the-bedrock-make-your-bed-rock). 

When you’re comfortable explaining that you prefer circles around your clitoris over direct pressure, you’ll be able to experience more orgasms during partnered sex. The more orgasms you have, the more you'll want (we assume!). Better sex leads to more orgasms, and more orgasms lead to more sex. Everybody wins here. 

Don't keep the erotica to yourself. Listening to steamy stories together can help you explain your desires to a partner and help you learn about theirs. This connection makes it easier to talk about things like introducing sex toys, exploring threesomes, or something nonsexual like deciding which person is responsible for the pile of laundry. [Intimacy is the key](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-precare-foreplay-aftercare/) to a satisfying partnership in and out of the bedroom.

## 4. Women's erotica inspires sexual confidence

Desire and arousal are primarily mental processes. Sometimes the stuff of life makes it difficult for women to get in the mood for sex. Let’s be honest, there’s a lot going on in the world right now, and if we’re focusing on that full-time, we’re not readying our minds for sex. If our mindset isn't right, getting in the mood can feel more like driving down a dirt road without street lights than a well-lit highway. 

Women-centric erotic fiction prepares our minds for sex. According to the Kinsey Institute, [nearly 90% of women use scenario conjuring](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/8233688_Turning_On_and_Turning_Off_A_Focus_Group_Study_of_the_Factors_That_Affect_Women's_Sexual_Arousal) to kick off their sexual response cycle. These scenarios can include sexual fantasies or even thinking about their emotional connection with a partner.

Women need stimuli to experience sexual desire. They also need it to move from desire to arousal. Erotica provides a paved highway toward arousal. And that intense arousal is the key to feeling confident in bed. Confidence leads to more intense orgasms, which can make sex more satisfying. 

## Improve your sex life with erotic short stories

Listening to erotic fiction inspires women to embrace their desires. For as long as we can remember, women learned from parents, religious leaders, and society that they should keep their sexual desires under wraps—but we’ve had enough of that.
Women like sex. Women want sex. At Dipsea, we believe women should get to have the sex they want. 

When women understand their desires, they can better communicate with their partners. Communication improves intimacy and creates a more satisfying relationship with yourself and your partner (or partners). 

[Erotic audio from Dipsea is unique](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-audio/) because it includes more than just words on a page. It’s immersive and evocative, just like being dropped into the middle of a movie scene. 

All that mental stimulation helps women get into the right mindset for sexual activity so that even if all they have time for is a quickie, they can get in, get an orgasm (or four), and then go on to do whatever else it is they need to do. To get your mindset in the right place, take the assist from erotic short stories. 

  <div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/office-hours">
    <img src="//images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/bTk4b0eVOnJ5IBlklET0l/7d26ef06c9bf8ce25e190bb873c420ce/Queer_Lecture_1.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Office Hours</p>
  </a>
</div>

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 0 0 10px">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/series/five-years-series">
    <img src="//images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/6I5z8LCbdiH3lnN8rjCXkh/6a5d715d693f0330226b15b0f541af98/302_Five_Years_1_KatieEdmunds.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Five Years</p>
  </a>
</div>

</div>
</div>

<br /><br />


Women don't have as many orgasms as men. This orgasm gap exists mainly because most women don’t grow up learning about female sexual pleasure. If we don't know how to bring our bodies to orgasm, it's almost impossible to expect your partner to know (but a little googling never hurt anyone!). 

Because women tend to use mental framing to get turned on, one of the keys to earth-shattering sexual experiences is to know what turns your mind on. Once you activate your arousal, you can discover what sorts of touch your body prefers. After you’ve done that, it’s a whole lot easier to communicate your needs to a partner. 

People often forget that mind-blowing sexual experiences are an [essential part of overall health](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/316954). Sex is good for your mental health, heart, relationships, and even your immune system. It’s time to prioritize good sex. 

Erotic fiction is an effective tool for preparing your body for sex—either solo or partnered. Listening to erotica can do more than help you get in the mood. Erotic short stories can help you understand your sexual desires, build intimacy with yourself or a partner, and give you the sexual confidence you crave. Here’s a look at the key benefits of listening to erotic short stories.

## 1. Erotic short stories help women identify their sexual desires
There's a strong [link between sexual fantasizing and having a satisfying sex life](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199509/the-safest-sex). Sexual fantasies are healthy and normal, but many women worry they aren't.

Society often teaches women to hide their desires which means many women might not even discuss fantasies with their best friends. 

When women grow up being socialized to not talk about sex beyond whatever reproductive health course is offered in their high school (which are, all too often, not that great!), they don't learn about desire or arousal, the first two steps in the sexual response cycle. 

In addition to sub-par formal sex education, women recieve incomplete social messaging about what their sexual desires are supposed to be. We hear things about how [men supposedly have higher sex drives](https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20160630-the-enduring-enigma-of-female-desire) than women, instead of learning about the natural [variablity of sex drives](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/navigating-mismatched-desire/) regardless of gender.  

Combine the lack of comprehensive sex-ed with the socialization women receive regarding gender stereotypes and women wind up not knowing what they want in the bedroom (or the kitchen or the shower). We worry that our fantasies of taking or relinquishing control are misguided. We fear that our sex drives are too high or too low. 

And all that worry can make your vulva as responsive as an uncharged vibrator. 

The first step to satisfying sex is identifying what you want out of your sexual experiences. Indulging in [a story about one of your fantasies](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/a-brief-sexy-history-of-erotica/) will prep your mind for sex. But, it may also help you figure out whether you enjoy thinking about romance, BDSM, orgies, casual sexual encounters, or something else.

Erotica can help you experience any fetish you desire without needing to step through the doors of a BDSM dungeon. Steamy stories let women explore sexual fantasies from a safe distance. 

For some women, listening to erotic stories helps them decide they want to move one of those fantasies from hypothetical to real life. Erotica can give them the language they need to communicate that desire to a partner. 

Identifying your sexual desires is the first step toward a satisfying sex life. 

## 2. Erotica helps women become more intimate with themselves

Mindfulness practices, such as meditation, help us connect with ourselves. The first time you try to meditate, your mind wanders from your breathing to the pile of laundry.  You get stuck in a constant state of trying to pull your mind back to meditating, and eventually it works. For many, guided meditation is the answer to a wandering mind. 

Women who masturbate regularly know their bodies and what turns them on. Unfortunately, for many women, getting in the right mindset for arousal is difficult. Sex stories, especially erotic audio, serve as a guided meditation, helping you connect with your sexual self. 

Listening to erotic short stories can keep your mind focused on arousal and away from the laundry room, the board room, or whatever kind of room your mind gets stuck in. Once your mindset is taken care of, you can focus on the task at hand. 

Spending time experimenting with different types of touch will help you learn whether you prefer a vibrating or sucking sensation, and whether internal or external stimulation is really what gets you there. [The more you masturbate](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/masturbating-is-important-even-when-youre-in-a-relationship/), the more you’ll come to know about your preferences. And that intimate knowledge translates to more orgasms during solo or partnered sex.

## 3. Sexy short stories increase intimacy with your partner

Women who masturbate regularly and are intimately connected with their sexual self have more orgasms during solo sex. What's more, they can take that same sexual energy to their partnered sex.

Erotic short stories do more than improve your masturbation sessions. Listening to examples of erotic fantasy can help you become more comfortable talking about what interests you sexually. Your partner wants to know what gets you off. It's on you to tell them, but because discussing sex openly and honestly isn’t something we see frequently, it can be hard to [confidently articulate it](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stress-and-sex/201712/sexual-communication-the-bedrock-make-your-bed-rock). 

When you’re comfortable explaining that you prefer circles around your clitoris over direct pressure, you’ll be able to experience more orgasms during partnered sex. The more orgasms you have, the more you'll want (we assume!). Better sex leads to more orgasms, and more orgasms lead to more sex. Everybody wins here. 

Don't keep the erotica to yourself. Listening to steamy stories together can help you explain your desires to a partner and help you learn about theirs. This connection makes it easier to talk about things like introducing sex toys, exploring threesomes, or something nonsexual like deciding which person is responsible for the pile of laundry. [Intimacy is the key](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-precare-foreplay-aftercare/) to a satisfying partnership in and out of the bedroom.

## 4. Women's erotica inspires sexual confidence

Desire and arousal are primarily mental processes. Sometimes the stuff of life makes it difficult for women to get in the mood for sex. Let’s be honest, there’s a lot going on in the world right now, and if we’re focusing on that full-time, we’re not readying our minds for sex. If our mindset isn't right, getting in the mood can feel more like driving down a dirt road without street lights than a well-lit highway. 

Women-centric erotic fiction prepares our minds for sex. According to the Kinsey Institute, [nearly 90% of women use scenario conjuring](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/8233688_Turning_On_and_Turning_Off_A_Focus_Group_Study_of_the_Factors_That_Affect_Women's_Sexual_Arousal) to kick off their sexual response cycle. These scenarios can include sexual fantasies or even thinking about their emotional connection with a partner.

Women need stimuli to experience sexual desire. They also need it to move from desire to arousal. Erotica provides a paved highway toward arousal. And that intense arousal is the key to feeling confident in bed. Confidence leads to more intense orgasms, which can make sex more satisfying. 

## Improve your sex life with erotic short stories

Listening to erotic fiction inspires women to embrace their desires. For as long as we can remember, women learned from parents, religious leaders, and society that they should keep their sexual desires under wraps—but we’ve had enough of that.
Women like sex. Women want sex. At Dipsea, we believe women should get to have the sex they want. 

When women understand their desires, they can better communicate with their partners. Communication improves intimacy and creates a more satisfying relationship with yourself and your partner (or partners). 

[Erotic audio from Dipsea is unique](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-audio/) because it includes more than just words on a page. It’s immersive and evocative, just like being dropped into the middle of a movie scene. 

All that mental stimulation helps women get into the right mindset for sexual activity so that even if all they have time for is a quickie, they can get in, get an orgasm (or four), and then go on to do whatever else it is they need to do. To get your mindset in the right place, take the assist from erotic short stories. 

Erotic short stories can help you understand your sexual desires, build intimacy with yourself or a partner, and give you the sexual confidence you crave.

4 ways erotic short stories can improve sexual satisfaction 

4-ways-Erotic-Short-Stories

4 ways erotic short stories improve sexual satisfaction 

Ready to take "me time" to a whole new level? Dipsea has you covered.

Hi! I’m Gina, one of the co-founders of Dipsea. Welcome to the “Dipseaverse,” I’m so glad you’ve decided to check us out!

Nothing makes us happier than hearing from listeners about the ways Dipsea helps them to feel more: more in tune with their bodies, more connected to their partners, more flirtatious putting themselves out there, and the most like themselves.  

But before you’re ready to dive in yourself, maybe you want to know more. Dipsea is an entirely new experience, so that makes sense! I’ll be answering some of the questions we get asked the most here. As a team that prides itself on communication, consent, and setting clear expectations—you’re in the right place to get all the answers. 

xo Gina

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=FAQblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

__What is Dipsea?__

Dipsea is where storytelling meets sexual wellness. With an annual or a monthly subscription, you can get access to hundreds of audio stories designed to get you in the mood, show you what you like, and open you up to self-discovery. Every Dipsea story is a consensual, feminist, and sex-positive original production created by our in-house team of storytellers. 

In addition to Sexy Stories, our library also includes cozy Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions.

You can download Dipsea in the App Store, Google Play Store, or access the app online. 

__Who are the people behind the app?__

We’re a female-founded company based in San Francisco, California. My co-founder Faye and I were friends before we started Dipsea, and we were fascinated by the idea that sexuality is as mental as it is physical. So we set out to create erotica as sexy as it is sex-positive. 

Four years later, Dipsea has grown into a team of 20+ incredible people. We’re half tech startup and half story studio. Our team includes audio producers and software engineers, writers, and product managers. None of us had professional experience creating erotica, which means we write our own rules and bring fresh energy and ideas to a totally new genre of storytelling. 

__How do you work with voice actors and story contributors?__

The best way to live a commitment to diversity and inclusion is to give paid opportunities to people doing excellent work. We work with a big network of talented voice actors who can represent how the world really sounds, and over 50% of our characters are voiced by people of color. 

Voice actors are recorded individually in studios all over the world. Dipsea producers then mix those recordings to create immersive audio stories where it sounds like multiple characters are together. It’s amazing how realistic a Dipsea story sounds, and a lot of hard work goes into creating that magic. 

Most of our stories are written in-house, but we occasionally partner with writers and story contributors with unique stories to tell and who can base their storytelling on their lived experiences. 

__What makes Dipsea special?__

Chances are you’ve probably been taught a few things about sex that aren’t serving you: that your desires are shameful, that pleasure is only okay when it comes after the word “guilty,” and that sex is basically a relay race toward orgasm with a partner. 

Dipsea is (literally) flipping the script, deprogramming harmful ideas, and re-setting the standards—high—for women’s lives and relationships. 

At Dipsea, we have two core beliefs. The first? Sexual wellness is essential. You deserve to feel good in your body, to live shame-free, to voice your preferences and state your boundaries, and to experience pleasure. The second? That storytelling is powerful. It illuminates the parts of yourself you might have lost touch with, gives you ideas for your own life, and fires up the imagination. 

We take a mind-first approach to sexuality because the answers have always been a part of you. Dipsea is a powerful reminder that starting with you—your wants, your needs, your fantasies—is the best way to manifest sexual wellness, and to feel more confident and joyful in and out of the bedroom. 

__What are the stories like?__

Desire is all in the details. That’s why we put so much care into every story we create. Between 10-25 minutes long, Dipsea audio stories immerse you in a world of aspirational and 100% consensual sex and relationships, and sometimes even insert you into the story. You’ll meet characters you’ll love—and watch your imagination do the rest. 

We want people to hear themselves in our stories. Over 50% of our characters are voiced by people of color, and over 25% of our stories are queer. Characters are empowered in their sexual, social, and romantic experiences. Sex is communicative, and pleasure doesn’t sound performed. 

__How sexy are the stories, really?__

Dipsea stories are designed to be erotic. Some are more flirtatious and romantic, and some include more intense themes like off-limits hookups, threesomes, and BDSM. 

We believe communication is key. Stories are always clearly tagged, labeled, and explained—so you always know exactly what you’re getting into before you listen. Because if you don’t feel safe and comfortable, you’ll never feel relaxed and turned on. And you’ll have an easy time finding more of what you’re looking for, especially as we get to know you better. 

__What are your Sleep Scenes like?__

Every night Dipsea was already being invited under duvets, tucked under pillows, and placed on nightstands. Sleep by Dipsea was developed as an even more intentional exhale at the end of a listening session.

Queue up soothing sounds, tranquil tours of dreamy destinations, and cozy Sleep Overs where a Dipsea Hunk tucks you in and then stays close by (playing the guitar or cleaning up after dinner) while you drift off. Dipsea Sleep Scenes range between 15-60 minutes. 

__What about the Wellness Sessions?__

Our Wellness Sessions are designed to support listeners trying to bring more of an active practice into their sexual and romantic lives. We partner with experts to create meditations, erotic breathwork exercises, dirty talk how-to’s, self-love guides, and more. 

__Why does Dipsea focus on audio?__

90% of women use their imaginations to get aroused, according to a study done by OMGYes and the Kinsey Institute. Audio erotica is intimate, immersive, and incredibly personal for each listener. Every story becomes your own personal version, designed by your own imagination. 
Dipsea now also offers sexy stories that you can read chapter by chapter, so you can get lost in the steamy backstories of your favorite Hunks, or discover new retellings of our most loved series.

__Is Dipsea just for women?__

Dipsea was designed with women in mind because they were so clearly underserved in a space defined by and for the male gaze. But the app is a safe space for all perspectives, preferences, and genders. Dipsea has HER + HER, HER + HIM, and a growing selection of HIM + HIM, and non-binary content. Over 25% of the Dipsea library is queer. Dipsea is an approachable resource for anyone who wants to get in the mood, spark their imagination, and learn about themselves. 

__Can partners listen together?__

If you think Dipsea might be a fun way to get in the mood together or to break the ice on certain topics with your partner—amazing! Dipsea is a highly personal experience, and you should listen in the ways that make the most sense for you. Our research shows that most people listen solo (~90% of subscribers), but more than 30% of people say the reason they listen to Dipsea is for the positive effect it has on their relationships. 

By nurturing your imagination and getting familiar with your fantasies and boundaries, you’re primed to have great sex with yourself and others. 

__Can I work for Dipsea?__ 

We’re only as great as the people we work with, and we’d love to meet you. Check out the current opportunities for working with us: 

- [Work with us](https://angel.co/dipsea/jobs)
- [Voice act for us](https://www.dipseastories.com/voice/) 
- [Become a story contributor](https://forms.gle/dQ4j9zPFxffqoH5c6) 

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=FAQblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

Hi! I’m Gina, one of the co-founders of Dipsea. Welcome to the “Dipseaverse,” I’m so glad you’ve decided to check us out!

Nothing makes us happier than hearing from listeners about the ways Dipsea helps them to feel more: more in tune with their bodies, more connected to their partners, more flirtatious putting themselves out there, and the most like themselves.  

But before you’re ready to dive in yourself, maybe you want to know more. Dipsea is an entirely new experience, so that makes sense! I’ll be answering some of the questions we get asked the most here. As a team that prides itself on communication, consent, and setting clear expectations—you’re in the right place to get all the answers. 

xo Gina

__What is Dipsea?__

Dipsea is where storytelling meets sexual wellness. With an annual or a monthly subscription, you can get access to hundreds of audio stories designed to get you in the mood, show you what you like, and open you up to self-discovery. Every Dipsea story is a consensual, feminist, and sex-positive original production created by our in-house team of storytellers. 

In addition to Sexy Stories, our library also includes cozy Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions.

You can download Dipsea in the App Store, Google Play Store, or access the app online. 

__Who are the people behind the app?__

We’re a female-founded company based in San Francisco, California. My co-founder Faye and I were friends before we started Dipsea, and we were fascinated by the idea that sexuality is as mental as it is physical. So we set out to create erotica as sexy as it is sex-positive. 

Four years later, Dipsea has grown into a team of 20+ incredible people. We’re half tech startup and half story studio. Our team includes audio producers and software engineers, writers, and product managers. None of us had professional experience creating erotica, which means we write our own rules and bring fresh energy and ideas to a totally new genre of storytelling. 

__How do you work with voice actors and story contributors?__

The best way to live a commitment to diversity and inclusion is to give paid opportunities to people doing excellent work. We work with a big network of talented voice actors who can represent how the world really sounds, and over 50% of our characters are voiced by people of color. 

Voice actors are recorded individually in studios all over the world. Dipsea producers then mix those recordings to create immersive audio stories where it sounds like multiple characters are together. It’s amazing how realistic a Dipsea story sounds, and a lot of hard work goes into creating that magic. 

Most of our stories are written in-house, but we occasionally partner with writers and story contributors with unique stories to tell and who can base their storytelling on their lived experiences. 

__What makes Dipsea special?__

Chances are you’ve probably been taught a few things about sex that aren’t serving you: that your desires are shameful, that pleasure is only okay when it comes after the word “guilty,” and that sex is basically a relay race toward orgasm with a partner. 

Dipsea is (literally) flipping the script, deprogramming harmful ideas, and re-setting the standards—high—for women’s lives and relationships. 

At Dipsea, we have two core beliefs. The first? Sexual wellness is essential. You deserve to feel good in your body, to live shame-free, to voice your preferences and state your boundaries, and to experience pleasure. The second? That storytelling is powerful. It illuminates the parts of yourself you might have lost touch with, gives you ideas for your own life, and fires up the imagination. 

We take a mind-first approach to sexuality because the answers have always been a part of you. Dipsea is a powerful reminder that starting with you—your wants, your needs, your fantasies—is the best way to manifest sexual wellness, and to feel more confident and joyful in and out of the bedroom. 

__What are the stories like?__

Desire is all in the details. That’s why we put so much care into every story we create. Between 10-25 minutes long, Dipsea audio stories immerse you in a world of aspirational and 100% consensual sex and relationships, and sometimes even insert you into the story. You’ll meet characters you’ll love—and watch your imagination do the rest. 

We want people to hear themselves in our stories. Over 50% of our characters are voiced by people of color, and over 25% of our stories are queer. Characters are empowered in their sexual, social, and romantic experiences. Sex is communicative, and pleasure doesn’t sound performed. 

__How sexy are the stories, really?__

Dipsea stories are designed to be erotic. Some are more flirtatious and romantic, and some include more intense themes like off-limits hookups, threesomes, and BDSM. 

We believe communication is key. Stories are always clearly tagged, labeled, and explained—so you always know exactly what you’re getting into before you listen. Because if you don’t feel safe and comfortable, you’ll never feel relaxed and turned on. And you’ll have an easy time finding more of what you’re looking for, especially as we get to know you better. 

__What are your Sleep Scenes like?__

Every night Dipsea was already being invited under duvets, tucked under pillows, and placed on nightstands. Sleep by Dipsea was developed as an even more intentional exhale at the end of a listening session.

Queue up soothing sounds, tranquil tours of dreamy destinations, and cozy Sleep Overs where a Dipsea Hunk tucks you in and then stays close by (playing the guitar or cleaning up after dinner) while you drift off. Dipsea Sleep Scenes range between 15-60 minutes. 

__What about the Wellness Sessions?__

Our Wellness Sessions are designed to support listeners trying to bring more of an active practice into their sexual and romantic lives. We partner with experts to create meditations, erotic breathwork exercises, dirty talk how-to’s, self-love guides, and more. 

__Why does Dipsea focus on audio?__

90% of women use their imaginations to get aroused, according to a study done by OMGYes and the Kinsey Institute. Audio erotica is intimate, immersive, and incredibly personal for each listener. Every story becomes your own personal version, designed by your own imagination. 
Dipsea now also offers sexy stories that you can read chapter by chapter, so you can get lost in the steamy backstories of your favorite Hunks, or discover new retellings of our most loved series.

__Is Dipsea just for women?__

Dipsea was designed with women in mind because they were so clearly underserved in a space defined by and for the male gaze. But the app is a safe space for all perspectives, preferences, and genders. Dipsea has HER + HER, HER + HIM, and a growing selection of HIM + HIM, and non-binary content. Over 25% of the Dipsea library is queer. Dipsea is an approachable resource for anyone who wants to get in the mood, spark their imagination, and learn about themselves. 

__Can partners listen together?__

If you think Dipsea might be a fun way to get in the mood together or to break the ice on certain topics with your partner—amazing! Dipsea is a highly personal experience, and you should listen in the ways that make the most sense for you. Our research shows that most people listen solo (~90% of subscribers), but more than 30% of people say the reason they listen to Dipsea is for the positive effect it has on their relationships. 

By nurturing your imagination and getting familiar with your fantasies and boundaries, you’re primed to have great sex with yourself and others. 

__Can I work for Dipsea?__ 

We’re only as great as the people we work with, and we’d love to meet you. Check out the current opportunities for working with us: 

- [Work with us](https://angel.co/dipsea/jobs)
- [Voice act for us](https://www.dipseastories.com/voice/) 
- [Become a story contributor](https://forms.gle/dQ4j9zPFxffqoH5c6) 


Looking for answers? You're in the right place. Read the FAQs to find out what Dipsea is and learn more about the team behind it. We've got all your answers right here. 

What is Dipsea? Why does Dipsea matter? Who is Dipsea for?

FAQ-v2

Dipsea FAQ

Ready to explore a new side of yourself? That's what Dipsea is for. 

The Deep Dive opens up the dialogue around modern intimacy and gives you a peek into the universe of people, ideas, and stories that light us up and move the conversation around sexuality forward.

The Deep Dive

It’s your party, and you can cry if you want to! And, well, sometimes you’ll cry even if you don’t want to. The spectrum of human emotions is a gift, even if they sometimes don’t feel that way. 

Ok, let’s paint a picture: You’re lying in bed next to your partner(s). There’s mood music playing. The sheets are warm and soft, maybe a window is cracked, and a little breeze sneaks in. The lights are dim, and maybe a candle is lit. Everyone is a little out of breath, sweating, but just enough to glisten in the light, and you just had one of the best orgasms of your life. 

Next thing you know, you start to cry. Waves of emotion begin to wash over you—it might not be big sobs, just some tears slowly rolling down your cheeks. Or, maybe they are big sobs. Now you’re confused. Moments ago, you were just experiencing one of the greatest pleasures you’ve felt. Now? Tears. What gives? 

You might be experiencing Postcoital Dysphoria or PCD—and one thing to know before we dive into Postcoital Dysphoria is that if you’ve ever experienced it, you are absolutely not alone. 

What is Postcoital Dysphoria

Postcoital Dysphoria (or PCD) is also sometimes called Postcoital Tristesse (triste is a French word that means ‘sadness’ which, even though we’ll still be referring to it as PCD, does make the whole thing sound a little more romantic), and refers to the waves of emotion that lead some people to start crying after sex. It’s also sometimes called the post-sex blues. 

Postcoital Dysphoria is specifically related to negative emotions some people experience after sex and is frequently accompanied, but not always, by crying. 

It’s important to remember that crying is good, healthy, and normal and is often the body's response to experiencing intense emotions or sensations—even good ones. And sex, very often, is intense, so crying makes sense. 

But just because you might cry after sex doesn’t mean you’re experiencing Postcoital Dysphoria. Sometimes, you might just be experiencing happy post-sex tears!

Who experiences Postcoital Dysphoria

Everybody! Or, well, not everybody, but every type of person. As with most topics related to sex, pleasure, and intimacy, there hasn’t been much deep research done on Postcoital Dysphoria or crying after sex in general. And the subjects of the research that has been done haven’t been broadly representative (predominantly, they have been white and cisgender)—but, one thing is clear: across the men and women who have been studied, subjects experience Postcoital Dysphoria in more similarly percentages than not. 

In a study published in Sexual Medicine, which focused on women, 46 percent of those who responded said they had experienced PCD at least once in their lifetime. 

In another study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 41% of the surveyed men said that they experienced Postcoital Dysphoria symptoms at least once in their lives. 3% of the men also said they experienced it regularly, and 5% of the women reported experiencing it within the last four weeks.

What causes Postcoital Dysphoria

Like we said, Postcoital Dysphoria is devastatingly under-researched, but there are still a few things that are necessary to know and a few ideas as to why you might be experiencing it if you do.

Perhaps most importantly, Postcoital Dysphoria can occur after joyful, consensual, pleasurable sex with people you know, love, and trust. Postcoital Dysphoria and its negative emotions are in no way correlated to that positive relationship. 

Some researchers believe that early childhood abuse may be one case of Postcoital Dysphoria, and post-natal depression might be another. The hormonal changes associated with the latter are what have led scientists to believe this could be a cause. 

Additionally, they believe people who experience anxiety and depression may also be more likely to experience sadness after sex. 

What to do if you feel sad after sex

It’s very possible that you might experience shame for feeling sad after sex or be uncomfortable navigating Postcoital Dysphoria, particularly if you’re still in bed with your partner(s). But you don’t need to navigate that alone. Here are a few things that might help. 

Talk to your partner(s)
Chances are, the person or people you’re in bed with might notice if you experience a shift in mood following sex. If you feel safe and comfortable, open up to them about it. Or change the topic entirely. Knowing that feelings beyond your control have brought on this emotion can also free you to move on from it quickly if you’d like to. 

Engage in some aftercare
Talking with your partner(s) is one version of aftercare, but there are dozens—hundreds, even—of other options. If you don’t already have an aftercare practice established, we’ve got some ideas for you. But, you can (and maybe should!) do that now, even if you’ve never experienced PCD. A post-sex routine that helps keep you connected, or one that helps you connect back with yourself, is important even if you’re feeling wonderful after sex (even sex with yourself!). 

Get lost in a story
Sometimes, what our brain really needs, is an escape. Dipsea stories are consensual, sex-positive stories that center the safety and pleasure of everyone involved. If you’re feeling a little down post-sex but still want to hang out in the after-glow (especially if your after-glow was cut short), press play and be reminded of all the ways pleasure is a powerful force of good in your life. They’re also the perfect windup to sex, so a Dipsea booked might be just what you’re looking for. 


It’s your party, and you can cry if you want to! And, well, sometimes you’ll cry even if you don’t want to. The spectrum of human emotion is a gift, even if they sometimes don’t feel that way. 

Ok, let’s paint a picture: You’re lying in bed next to your partner(s). There’s mood music playing. The sheets are warm and soft, maybe a window is cracked, and a little breeze sneaks in. The lights are dim, and maybe a candle is lit. Everyone is a little out of breath, sweating, but just enough to glisten in the light, and you just had one of the best orgasms of your life. 

Next thing you know, you start to cry. Waves of emotion begin to wash over you—it might not be big sobs, just some tears slowly rolling down your cheeks. Or, maybe they are big sobs. Now you’re confused. Moments ago, you were just experiencing one of the greatest pleasures you’ve felt. Now? Tears. What gives? 

You might be experiencing Postcoital Dysphoria or PCD—and one thing to know before we dive into Postcoital Dysphoria is that if you’ve ever experienced it, you are absolutely not alone. 

## What is Postcoital Dysphoria

[Postcoital Dysphoria](https://www.issm.info/sexual-health-qa/what-is-postcoital-dysphoria-post-sex-blues/) (or PCD) is also sometimes called Postcoital Tristesse (triste is a French word that means ‘sadness’ which, even though we’ll still be referring to it as PCD, does make the whole thing sound a little more romantic), and refers to the waves of emotion that lead some people to start crying after sex. It’s also sometimes called the post-sex blues. 

Postcoital Dysphoria is specifically related to negative emotions some people experience after sex and is frequently accompanied, but not always, by crying. 

It’s important to remember that crying is good, healthy, and normal and is often the body's response to experiencing intense emotions or sensations—even good ones. And sex, very often, is intense, so crying makes sense. 

But just because you might [cry after sex](https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/crying-after-sex#if-you-cry) doesn’t mean you’re experiencing Postcoital Dysphoria. Sometimes, you might just be experiencing happy post-sex tears!

## Who experiences Postcoital Dysphoria

Everybody! Or, well, not everybody, but every type of person. As with most topics related to sex, pleasure, and intimacy, there hasn’t been much deep research done on Postcoital Dysphoria or crying after sex in general. And the subjects of the research that has been done haven’t been broadly representative (predominantly, they have been white and cisgender)—but, one thing is clear: across the men and women who have been studied, subjects experience Postcoital Dysphoria in more similarly percentages than not. 

[In a study](https://www.webmd.com/sex/what-to-know-postcoital-dysphoria) published in Sexual Medicine, which focused on women, 46 percent of those who responded said they had experienced PCD at least once in their lifetime. 

In another study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 41% of the surveyed men said that they experienced Postcoital Dysphoria symptoms at least once in their lives. 3% of the men also said they experienced it regularly, and in the previous study 5% of the women reported experiencing it within the last four weeks.

## What causes Postcoital Dysphoria

Like we said, Postcoital Dysphoria is devastatingly under-researched, but there are still a few things that you should know and a few ideas as to [why you might](https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/relationships-love/a28538535/crying-after-sex/) be experiencing it if you do.

Perhaps most importantly, it's necessary to know that Postcoital Dysphoria can occur after joyful, consensual, pleasurable sex with people you know, love, and trust. Postcoital Dysphoria and its negative emotions are in no way correlated to that positive relationship. 

Some researchers believe that early childhood abuse may be one cause of Postcoital Dysphoria, and post-natal depression might be another. The hormonal changes associated with the latter are what have led scientists to believe this could be a cause. 

Additionally, they believe people who experience anxiety and depression may also be more likely to experience sadness after sex. 

## What to do if you feel sad after sex

It’s very possible that you might experience shame for feeling sad after sex or be uncomfortable navigating Postcoital Dysphoria, particularly if you’re still in bed with your partner(s). But you don’t need to navigate that alone. Here are a few things that might help. 

### Talk to your partner(s)
Chances are, the person or people you’re in bed with might notice if you experience a shift in mood following sex. If you feel safe and comfortable, open up to them about it. Or change the topic entirely. Knowing that feelings beyond your control have brought on this emotion can also free you to move on from it quickly if you’d like to. 

### Engage in some aftercare
Talking with your partner(s) is one version of aftercare, but there are dozens—hundreds, even—of other options. If you don’t already have an aftercare practice established, [we’ve got some ideas for you](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-with-aftercare/). But, you can (and maybe should!) do that now, even if you’ve never experienced PCD. A post-sex routine that helps keep you connected, or one that helps you connect back with yourself, is important even if you’re feeling wonderful after sex (even sex with yourself!). 

### Get lost in a story
Sometimes, what our brain really needs, is an escape. Dipsea stories are consensual, sex-positive stories that center the safety and pleasure of everyone involved. If you’re feeling a little down post-sex but still want to hang out in the after-glow (especially if your after-glow was cut short), press play and be reminded of all the ways pleasure is a powerful force of good in your life. They’re also the perfect windup to sex, so a Dipsea booked might be just what you’re looking for. 

Is crying after sex normal, and could it be postcoital dysphoria? We've got the answers! 

Crying-Durning-Sex

Is crying after sex normal? 

Bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism, kink, fetish, top and bottom—BDSM has [a lot of vocabulary](https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/speaking-bdsm-glossary-terms-used-describe-bdsm/). BDSM is the consensual sexual practice of dominance and submission, pain, or control in a relationship. Rigger BDSM is one way to explore bondage and control. 

People who enjoy BDSM may be dominant or submissive or may switch between the two. They may enjoy kink sometimes or use some form of it every time they have sex. There's no right or wrong way to be kinky.

If you're [exploring BDSM](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/bdsm-bondage/) or considering some experimentation, it's essential to have the right words to discuss what you want to try with your partners and what you don't. Some people who practice BDSM find restraining their partners (or getting tied up) a turn-on. Rigger BDSM is one form of restraining. This tutorial will discuss what rigger BDSM is and give you some tips for practicing it safely. 

## What does rigger BDSM mean?

Rigger BDSM, sometimes called shibari or kinbaku, is a sexual practice of tying a partner with rope. Rigger involves tight rope patterns and knots to partially or wholly restrict a partner's movement. A rigger or rope top is a person who does the tying. The person being restrained is a rope bunny or rope bottom. 

While a rigger is often dominant, that isn't always the case. In BDSM, the dominant partner is in control of a scene. Sometimes a dominant will command a submissive to tie them up, so they are a rope bottom but are also acting as a dom because they're directing the action. 

## Why do riggers enjoy rope bondage? 

Many people reserve rigger BDSM for sexual play. When [rope bondage](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/light-bondage/) is used for sexual stimulation, the tying up may be the main event without any genital stimulation. Rigger BDSM may also be an act of foreplay. In BDSM, rigging can be part of the setup for a scene that includes suspension, flogging, spanking, or any type of sexual contact. 

BDSM is a sexual practice, but rope bondage isn't always sexual. Some bondage riggers see rope bondage as a type of performance art. When rigger BDSM is a hobby, a bondage model is tied using ropes in various configurations. The rope top may take photos of their handiwork or let the process of tying up their partner serve as an art form all by itself.

People who enjoy being a rope bottom say being restrained helps them [relax and enter sub-space](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/a-beginners-guide-to-submission/), a mental state where they give themselves entirely over to the sensations in their body. This state is a euphoric rush, not dissociation. The sub is entirely present, relaxed, and ready to give and receive pleasure. 

## What about self-rigging? 

Just like any sexual or artistic activity, you can enjoy rigger BDSM when you're flying solo. You may want to try tying some rope patterns or knots on yourself for artistic purposes or before masturbating to help you get in the mood. Rigger BDSM is about restraint and control, but it's also sensual. 

For people who desire the sensual experience of bondage, self-rigging is more about the psychological high of being restrained than actually having your movement restricted. If you’re exploring by yourself, it’s a good idea to use ties and ropes you can easily escape from.

## Safety for rigger BDSM

Safe sex is always the best sex, and that's especially important when we're talking about things like pain, control, restraints, and [spanking](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/bdsm-spanking). People involved in BDSM go to great lengths to keep themselves and their partners safe. If you're exploring rigger BDSM, here are some essential considerations to ensure everyone stays safe. 

### Communication

Communication is vital for any sexual relationship, but it's even more critical when you're playing with control, restraints, and pain. If you and a partner are exploring rigger BDSM, it’s essential to discuss what you want to try, why you want to try it, and any reservations you may have. Here are some questions to help you initiate a conversation about bondage rigger:

- Are you interested in rigger BDSM for sexual or artistic reasons? 
- Do you want to be a rope top or a rope bottom? Do you want to try both?
- What body parts are you comfortable having tied (hands, feet, breasts, legs, buttocks, arms, etc.)?
- Will you explore suspension or stick to bondage on a stable surface? 
- Do you want to try bondage in the privacy of your own home or at a BDSM dungeon? 
- Will you include any sort of BDSM spanking, paddling, or flogging into your rigger scene? 
- How do you feel about your partner using a vibrator on you while you're bound? What about digital or oral stimulation? How do you feel about anal or vaginal penetration while you're tied up? 

### Rope selection

If you're tying a partner's (or your own) naked bits up with rope, the type of rope you choose can make a huge difference. Like any sex toy, rope comes in various materials, and what's best for you depends on what you want to do with it. Here are the most common types:

- Cotton rope is inexpensive, easy to find, and provides plenty of friction. Types with a denser braid don't compact down as much, making them easier to untie (because eventually, you'll need to get to a dinner party or the office). 
- Hemp rope is another natural option. It grips well and holds strong. Lower-quality hemp tends to leave fibers behind and is scratchy, while higher-quality rope doesn't leave a trace. 
- Synthetic rope feels smoother than cotton, but the knots and wrapping may not hold up without friction. Most riggers remove the core from synthetic ropes to make them easier to tie, but the rope isn't strong enough for suspension play if you remove the core. 
- Nylon rope is strong, soft, and smooth to the touch. It's also strong enough to get the job done for any sort of rigger BDSM you're interested in trying out. Like the synthetic ropes above, it's slippery and won't give you the hold that cotton rope does.

### Consider anatomy

Binding and restricting movement is risky because you're compressing muscles and nerves. A bit of education and a lot of communication can keep you and your partners safe. If you or your partner experience tingling or burning, numbness, or weakness during rigger BDSM you need to stop immediately. These sensations can be a sign of nerve damage.

[Rope bondage advice](https://ropestudy.com/courses/101/lessons/reducing-risk/topic/nerves/) suggests tying ropes on meaty areas (thighs, upper arms, breasts, buttocks) and avoiding joints, your neck, and other sensitive areas. If you're rigging solo, avoid binding your hands and arms because you need to be able to get out of any ropes quickly should the need arise. 

### Choose a safeword

In case of discomfort or other need to end a session, you and your partner should agree on a safe word. A safe word is a word that results in the immediate stopping of all BDSM and sexual activity when spoken by either party. Choose a word you wouldn't typically say during sex, like butterfly or umbrella, instead of something you might call out during moments of ecstasy. 

### Make an exit plan

Having a plan in place for a quick exit is vital. Once either partner utters a safe word, you should carry out the exit plan without question. Keep a pair of scissors handy and use them to cut the rope if the knots are too tight to undo quickly. 

### Don’t forget aftercare

[Aftercare is an essential part](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-with-aftercare/) of any BDSM scene (and an excellent way to finish any sexual encounter). Aftercare may involve cuddling and reviewing how each person felt during the scene. It's a good time to tell your partner what you enjoyed and what you didn't, and brainstorm some things you'd like to try next time. Some couples have a special blanket they wrap in for aftercare sessions. BDSM dungeons typically even have a particular room designed for aftercare purposes. 

## Explore rigger BDSM 

Rigger BDSM is a fun way to dip your toe into BDSM. Restraints add a level of kink to your sexual activity even if you don't have a dom/sub relationship. You can try bondage on your own or invite a partner to join you. Maybe you start out trying being both a top and a bottom to see which you enjoy more. 

If you're curious about rigger BDSM and wonder how a bondage scene might play out in real life, try listening to erotic audio that includes rope play. You can listen alone for exploration purposes or spice up your next [solo sesh](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/solo-sex). Sharing erotica with your partner is a great way to bring up ways you'd like to spice up your sex life. 

Try listening as Sebastian and Benji [tie you to the bed](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/get-intimate-with-sebastian-and-benj-iv) and pleasure you or discover why [Carla loves rigger BDSM](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/secret-rooms-v). These erotic audio stories blend a bit of bondage play with just the right sounds to keep you completely immersed in the story. They're a great addition to a masturbation session or a way to spark a conversation about bondage with a partner. 

This guide to rigger BDSM is perfect for beginners who want to explore bondage with ropes but aren’t sure where to start. You can even follow this guide solo.

Rigger BDSM tutorial: Your guide to safe, sexy rope play

Rigger-BDSM

Romantic attraction is taking on a larger role in cultural conversation these days when it comes to partnered relationships, and a new vocabulary is emerging. You may have heard terms like heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, or aromantic. These terms mirror different types of sexuality, but you're probably wondering what they all mean. Specifically, what is biromantic? And what's the difference between bisexual and biromantic? Can you be one and not the other?

It might seem redundant to add a whole new set of terms like this to ever-growing list of terms around sex and relationships, but these terms have an important place for those who want to use them. Namely, they have their place for those whose sexual attractions and romantic attractions don't quite line up. 

Let's talk about what biromantic is, unpack adjacent definitions, and get a sense of why they're helpful to add to the lexicon.

## Sexual orientation vs. romantic orientation

Sexual orientation is the term you're likely more familiar with than romantic orientation. It refers to the gender(s) a person is attracted to sexually. We know that sexual orientation is a spectrum—few people are 100% straight or 100% gay or lesbian. The letters in LGBTQ+ are the most commonly known parts of the queer side of the sexual identity spectrum, but even within the "+" at the end, there are terms and identities that are either more or less expansive (pansexuals are sexually attracted to people of all gender groups, asexuals are sexually attracted to no one, for example). 

But just like sexuality is a spectrum, so too is romantic attraction. As we dive deeper into feelings of romantic and sexual attraction as a wider culture, we're learning that sexuality and romantic attraction aren't necessarily linked. Sure, often they are. Most people are sexually and romantically attracted to the same people. But in some cases, the two diverge. That's when it's helpful to use terms like biromantic.

Romantic orientation refers to the gender(s) that you have romantic feelings for. Romantic relationships may or may not also be sexual relationships. The definition of “romantic” is a fluid one and somewhat hard to pin down, but the general consensus seems to be feelings of loving, emotional attraction, and emotional connection. It may or may not have a physical component and looks different from person to person, but importantly, it's distinct from platonic attraction and sexual desire. 

## What is biromantic?

The term biromantic refers to people who are romantically attracted to two (or more) different genders. Biromantic people may also be bisexual, but not necessarily. In the case of a bisexual person who is physically and emotionally capable of having fully fleshed-out relationships with people of multiple genders, the distinction between biromantic and bisexual isn't really necessary. 

But the term can be useful in various other scenarios. For example, asexual people may not have sexual attraction toward anyone, but they may still be interested and capable of romantic attraction and seek romantic connection with people without the sexual component of the relationship. They may desire to hold hands, cuddle, or kiss their loved one, but have no desire for sex. Or they may seek an emotional bond with no physical component whatsoever. A person who fits this bill and is attracted to multiple genders is a *__biromantic asexual__*. 

In another example, a person might find that they are capable and desirous of romance with two or more genders, but only sexually attracted to people of the opposite gender. A person like this is a *__biromantic heterosexual__*. 

The opposite can be true as well. A person can have sexual feelings toward more than one gender but is only capable of a romantic emotional bond with the opposite gender: *__bisexual heteroromantic__*. Make sense?

## Other helpful terms for understanding romantic identity 

At this point in the evolution of sexual identity and romantic identity, it's safe to say that the prefixes for the terms within each type of identity mean the same thing. *Bi-* means two (or in this context, more than one), whether you're talking about sexual attraction or romantic attraction, for example. Let's define a few more terms for clarity:

- __Heteroromantic__ means romantically attracted to a different gender than your own.
- __Homoromanti__c means romantically attracted to the same gender as your own.
- __Panromantic__ means romantically attracted to [all gender identities](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/gender-identity-pronouns-sexual-orientation/), including transgender, gender fluid, and nonbinary people.
- __Aromantic__ means you are not romantically attracted to any gender identity.
- __Demisexual__ means a person is only sexually attracted to a person they are emotionally bonded with. This term intrinsically links sexual and romantic feelings but doesn't define anything about gender in the equation. So demisexuals may add more terms for further clarity: Gay demisexual, hetero-demisexual, pan-demisexual.

Understanding these terms may help you know yourself, your friends, your partners, or your loved ones better.  

## Why does it matter?

The terms to help define sexual and romantic attraction matter because *you* matter. Your unique [desire is worth exploring](https://dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-exploration), understanding, and spending time talking about. 

The vast landscape of attraction can be confusing, especially because most of us grew up with heteronormative, binary assumptions around gender, sexuality, and attraction. We know that gender is a construct and that there are countless ways a person can express their gender. We also know that traditional assumptions about [what's "normal" in a sexual relationship](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-taboos/) or romantic partnership are just that: assumptions. 

Mainstream culture has told us that "normal" is one cis man, one cis woman, and one straight relationship between them. But we know that even with a relationship between two heterosexual, cisgender adults, tons of variety is possible.

Understanding what biromantic is also helps shatter misconceptions. Importantly, being attracted (sexually or romantically) to more than one gender doesn't mean that you have to have multiple sexual and/or romantic partners. That's a common misunderstanding, and it's not what biromantic means. Some biromantic people choose to be in [non-monogamous relationships](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/ethical-non-monogamy), but it's not a requirement. Many biromantics are happily monogamous and want to stay that way.

A biromantic individual doesn't need to post their orientation on their social media account. The term helps you understand yourself and your needs first and foremost. It also helps you have clear and open communication with someone you may or may not have romantic or sexual feelings towards.

## You define you

How you define yourself is completely up to you. So is who you choose to share it with. You don't owe it to anyone to come out to them or share your sexual or romantic desires, history, or curiosity. But if it helps you set boundaries or ease communication with a friend or potential partner, it's useful to have a robust vocabulary. 

Biromantic means different things to different people. The important distinctions are between friendship, romance, and sex. Knowing the level of attraction, the desire it may invoke in you, and what you're comfortable doing about it can help you navigate your feelings and talk about them more effectively. 

Take a dip into some sexy short stories that you might identify with on the Dipsea app. [Curious II](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/curious-ii) follows Bri on her journey to discovering that she might be attracted to Lorenza. Or check out [this first-person POV romantic encounter with Theo](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/get-intimate-with-theo), who's been thinking about you for weeks.


Romantic attraction is taking on a larger role in cultural conversation these days when it comes to partnered relationships, and a new vocabulary is emerging. You may have heard terms like heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, or aromantic. These terms mirror different types of sexuality, but you're probably wondering what they all mean. Specifically, what is biromantic? And what's the difference between bisexual and biromantic? Can you be one and not the other?

It might seem redundant to add a whole new set of terms like this to ever-growing list of terms around sex and relationships, but these terms have an important place for those who want to use them. Namely, they have their place for those whose sexual attractions and romantic attractions don't quite line up. 

Let's talk about what biromantic is, unpack adjacent definitions, and get a sense of why they're helpful to add to the lexicon.

## Sexual orientation vs. romantic orientation

Sexual orientation is the term you're likely more familiar with than romantic orientation. It refers to the gender(s) a person is attracted to sexually. We know that sexual orientation is a spectrum—few people are 100% straight or 100% gay or lesbian. The letters in LGBTQ+ are the most commonly known parts of the queer side of the sexual identity spectrum, but even within the "+" at the end, there are terms and identities that are either more or less expansive (pansexuals are sexually attracted to people of all gender groups, asexuals are sexually attracted to no one, for example). 

But just like sexuality is a spectrum, so too is romantic attraction. As we dive deeper into feelings of romantic and sexual attraction as a wider culture, we're learning that sexuality and romantic attraction aren't necessarily linked. Sure, often they are. Most people are sexually and romantically attracted to the same people. But in some cases, the two diverge. That's when it's helpful to use terms like biromantic.

Romantic orientation refers to the gender(s) that you have romantic feelings for. Romantic relationships may or may not also be sexual relationships. The definition of “romantic” is a fluid one and somewhat hard to pin down, but the general consensus seems to be feelings of loving, emotional attraction, and emotional connection. It may or may not have a physical component and looks different from person to person, but importantly, it's distinct from platonic attraction and sexual desire. 

## What is biromantic?

The term biromantic refers to people who are romantically attracted to two (or more) different genders. Biromantic people may also be bisexual, but not necessarily. In the case of a bisexual person who is physically and emotionally capable of having fully fleshed-out relationships with people of multiple genders, the distinction between biromantic and bisexual isn't really necessary. 

But the term can be useful in various other scenarios. For example, asexual people may not have sexual attraction toward anyone, but they may still be interested and capable of romantic attraction and seek romantic connection with people without the sexual component of the relationship. They may desire to hold hands, cuddle, or kiss their loved one, but have no desire for sex. Or they may seek an emotional bond with no physical component whatsoever. A person who fits this bill and is attracted to multiple genders is a *__biromantic asexual__*. 

In another example, a person might find that they are capable and desirous of romance with two or more genders, but only sexually attracted to people of the opposite gender. A person like this is a *__biromantic heterosexual__*. 

The opposite can be true as well. A person can have sexual feelings toward more than one gender but is only capable of a romantic emotional bond with the opposite gender: *__bisexual heteroromantic__*. Make sense?

## Other helpful terms for understanding romantic identity 

At this point in the evolution of sexual identity and romantic identity, it's safe to say that the prefixes for the terms within each type of identity mean the same thing. *Bi-* means two (or in this context, more than one), whether you're talking about sexual attraction or romantic attraction, for example. Let's define a few more terms for clarity:

- __Heteroromantic__ means romantically attracted to a different gender than your own.
- __Homoromanti__c means romantically attracted to the same gender as your own.
- __Panromantic__ means romantically attracted to [all gender identities](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/gender-identity-pronouns-sexual-orientation/), including transgender, gender fluid, and nonbinary people.
- __Aromantic__ means you are not romantically attracted to any gender identity.
- __Demisexual__ means a person is only sexually attracted to a person they are emotionally bonded with. This term intrinsically links sexual and romantic feelings but doesn't define anything about gender in the equation. So demisexuals may add more terms for further clarity: Gay demisexual, hetero-demisexual, pan-demisexual.

Understanding these terms may help you know yourself, your friends, your partners, or your loved ones better.  

## Why does it matter?

The terms to help define sexual and romantic attraction matter because *you* matter. Your unique [desire is worth exploring](https://dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-exploration), understanding, and spending time talking about. 

The vast landscape of attraction can be confusing, especially because most of us grew up with heteronormative, binary assumptions around gender, sexuality, and attraction. We know that gender is a construct and that there are countless ways a person can express their gender. We also know that traditional assumptions about [what's "normal" in a sexual relationship](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-taboos/) or romantic partnership are just that: assumptions. 

Mainstream culture has told us that "normal" is one cis man, one cis woman, and one straight relationship between them. But we know that even with a relationship between two heterosexual, cisgender adults, tons of variety is possible.

Understanding what biromantic is also helps shatter misconceptions. Importantly, being attracted (sexually or romantically) to more than one gender doesn't mean that you have to have multiple sexual and/or romantic partners. That's a common misunderstanding, and it's not what biromantic means. Some biromantic people choose to be in [non-monogamous relationships](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/ethical-non-monogamy), but it's not a requirement. Many biromantics are happily monogamous and want to stay that way.

A biromantic individual doesn't need to post their orientation on their social media account. The term helps you understand yourself and your needs first and foremost. It also helps you have clear and open communication with someone you may or may not have romantic or sexual feelings towards.

## You define you

How you define yourself is completely up to you. So is who you choose to share it with. You don't owe it to anyone to come out to them or share your sexual or romantic desires, history, or curiosity. But if it helps you set boundaries or ease communication with a friend or potential partner, it's useful to have a robust vocabulary. 

Biromantic means different things to different people. The important distinctions are between friendship, romance, and sex. Knowing the level of attraction, the desire it may invoke in you, and what you're comfortable doing about it can help you navigate your feelings and talk about them more effectively. 

Take a dip into some sexy short stories that you might identify with on the Dipsea app. [Curious II](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/curious-ii) follows Bri on her journey to discovering that she might be attracted to Lorenza. Or check out [this first-person POV romantic encounter with Theo](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/get-intimate-with-theo), who's been thinking about you for weeks.

Get a thorough explanation of what biromantic is, especially compared to similar terms like bisexual, so you can understand yourself and others better.

What is biromantic? Navigating the vast sexual landscape

Biromantic

We can all agree that sex is a physical act. You touch, you stroke, you lick, you mount—but if you aren't getting your mind prepped for all that physical activity, you're missing out on the most potent erogenous zone in your body. Sexual desire [starts in your brain](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/brb3.1389), and since human brains are finely tuned storytelling machines, free short stories to get you in the mood will increase your levels of ecstasy.

Since we're all carrying tiny computers in our pockets, you don't have to hide the cover of a steamy story from view. You can use your phone to get yourself primed for sex while you wait at the doctor's office or on your commute home. 

If you're new to using erotic fiction to indulge your sexual fantasies or looking for new ways to incorporate erotica in your sex life, keep reading. This article will give you plenty of tips for using free short stories to get you in the mood for partnered or [solo sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/solo-sex).

## Why erotic short stories activate your libido

We all know that [touching erogenous zones](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones) feels good, but the physical act of touching is often not enough to get your libido revving. When your life is full of meetings, to-do lists, and reports to write, it can be difficult to flip your brain from work mode to pleasure mode. 

Studies of human sexuality illustrate that [sexual desire is a combination](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/03/090302183319.htm) of thoughts, fantasy, and motivation required to get you interested in sex. Arousal involves the perfect mix of the [right mental state](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/women-sex-drive) with the availability of sexual touch (from a partner, yourself, or a favorite vibrator). 

Anything from your phone chiming to intrusive thoughts about a conversation with your boss can derail the sexual response train. The key to sexual arousal that results in a satisfying orgasm (or [multiple orgasms](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/multiple-orgasms)) is to reduce the number of interruptions between desire and arousal. Sexual stimuli, such as an erotic story, can help. Free short stories to get you in the mood can speed up the connection between sexual desire and sexual arousal. 

## Ways to use erotic short stories

Sexy stories help activate sexual desire, but you don't have to limit your use of free short stories to get you in the mood. You can use them once you're in the mood for sex to help you stay there. 

Incorporating erotic fiction into your sex life in various ways can also help you explore new sexual adventures alone or with your partners. Here are a few ways to use sex stories you may not have tried. 

### Activate your desire

Have you ever wanted time to masturbate only to be derailed by a busy schedule or a host of to-dos once you're finally home? 

If you're like many people who schedule sex in their lives either because of busy schedules or a date night with a partner, using free short stories to [get you in the mood](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-get-in-the-mood) can ensure that your brain and body are ready for pleasure when you decide it's time. For many of us, waiting until desire strikes may mean we miss out on opportunities for pleasure, and erotic fiction can help. 

Try listening to an erotic story while you get dressed for date night, during your shower, or on your drive home. The mental stimulation will help your brain realize it's time to put work away and focus on fun. 

### Focus your mind during masturbation

Have you experienced turning on your favorite vibrator and finding just the right spot only to get distracted by a mistake you made at work or the bills piled on the kitchen counter? You might feel like you need to stop masturbating and jump back into life. 

But you'll be much more relaxed and better equipped to handle life stressors if you let your mind rest and enjoy an orgasm or two. Using free short stories to get you in the mood (and keep you there) can improve your next solo sesh. 

Try reading or listening to a short story before grabbing your favorite sex toy. You may choose to read the entire story before you start exploring your body, or let your hands wander over your erogenous zones as the plot heats up. Sexy stories will keep you focused on the [task at hand](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-make-yourself-cum). The rush of endorphins from your orgasm will improve your mood, lower your stress level, and you'll be ready to tackle the rest of your life.

### Explore sexual fantasies

Most people have a [kinky fantasy](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-taboos) or two they'd like to explore but aren't quite ready to bring into real life yet. Using free short stories to get you in the mood is the perfect way to explore the fetishes and kinks occupying your fantasies. 

Whether you're into a [BDSM story](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/bdsm-bondage) where a character is tied up for the first time and kept from orgasm by a dom with a vibrator or a love story involving deep intimacy and romantic connection, there are sexy stories for every taste. You can even [use short sexy stories to explore fantasies](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-fantasy-stories) with a partner. Erotic fiction can help you share your turn-ons and gauge your partner's interest. 

### Experiment with sexual orientation

If you're [questioning your sexual orientation](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-tell-if-youre-bi), you may feel nervous or worried about exploring sex with same-sex partners in real life. 

Because of our heteronormative culture and sex education, people often assume they're straight until something (or someone) sparks their interest in same-sex experiences. What's more, since sexuality is fluid, you may be straight as a young person only to become bisexual or gay later in life. Growing up in a heteronormative culture means you don't always have the language or tools for [figuring out your sexuality](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-exploration). 

It can be challenging to discuss your changing sexual desires with partners, best friends, or family members unless you have the right words to use and an experience or two to reference. Listening to [short stories with queer characters](https://app.dipseastories.com/categories/queer-stories-category) can help you figure out if you're interested in some real-life experimentation. 

## Where to find erotic short stories

Erotic short stories are all over the internet, but not all are created equal. [Here at Dipsea](https://www.dipseastories.com/about/), we believe freedom and inclusivity are vital pieces of sexual wellness. We're committed to building a library of erotica that’s relatable to members of the LGBTQ community and all women who have been underserved by sexual wellness content. 

Our stories feature active consent, sex-positive language, and sex between characters who are more like you. The result is an immersive sexual experience that feels real and safe, so you’re free to explore.

Our stories are perfect for activating sexual desire anywhere and anytime, as long as you have a pair of headphones. You can listen to our erotic short stories to help you explore sexual fantasies alone or with partners. 

If romance is your thing, try [Get Intimate with Malcolm](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/get-intimate-with-malcolm)—he's been thinking about you and can't wait to get his hands on you. If you're looking for something else, try [Wild Hearts](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/wild-hearts-i), where two women decide to play hooky from work and play with each other. 

Whatever you’re craving, Dipsea has sexy stories to get you in the mood and keep you there.

We can all agree that sex is a physical act. You touch, you stroke, you lick, you mount—but if you aren't getting your mind prepped for all that physical activity, you're missing out on the most potent erogenous zone in your body. Sexual desire [starts in your brain](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/brb3.1389), and since human brains are finely tuned storytelling machines, free short stories to get you in the mood will increase your levels of ecstasy.

Since we're all carrying tiny computers in our pockets, you don't have to hide the cover of a steamy story from view. You can use your phone to get yourself primed for sex while you wait at the doctor's office or on your commute home. 

If you're new to using erotic fiction to indulge your sexual fantasies or looking for new ways to incorporate erotica in your sex life, keep reading. This article will give you plenty of tips for using free short stories to get you in the mood for partnered or [solo sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/solo-sex).

## Why erotic short stories activate your libido

We all know that [touching erogenous zones](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones) feels good, but the physical act of touching is often not enough to get your libido revving. When your life is full of meetings, to-do lists, and reports to write, it can be difficult to flip your brain from work mode to pleasure mode. 

Studies of human sexuality illustrate that [sexual desire is a combination](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/03/090302183319.htm) of thoughts, fantasy, and motivation required to get you interested in sex. Arousal involves the perfect mix of the [right mental state](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/women-sex-drive) with the availability of sexual touch (from a partner, yourself, or a favorite vibrator). 

Anything from your phone chiming to intrusive thoughts about a conversation with your boss can derail the sexual response train. The key to sexual arousal that results in a satisfying orgasm (or [multiple orgasms](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/multiple-orgasms)) is to reduce the number of interruptions between desire and arousal. Sexual stimuli, such as an erotic story, can help. Free short stories to get you in the mood can speed up the connection between sexual desire and sexual arousal. 

## Ways to use erotic short stories

Sexy stories help activate sexual desire, but you don't have to limit your use of free short stories to get you in the mood. You can use them once you're in the mood for sex to help you stay there. 

Incorporating erotic fiction into your sex life in various ways can also help you explore new sexual adventures alone or with your partners. Here are a few ways to use sex stories you may not have tried. 

### Activate your desire

Have you ever wanted time to masturbate only to be derailed by a busy schedule or a host of to-dos once you're finally home? 

If you're like many people who schedule sex in their lives either because of busy schedules or a date night with a partner, using free short stories to [get you in the mood](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-get-in-the-mood) can ensure that your brain and body are ready for pleasure when you decide it's time. For many of us, waiting until desire strikes may mean we miss out on opportunities for pleasure, and erotic fiction can help. 

Try listening to an erotic story while you get dressed for date night, during your shower, or on your drive home. The mental stimulation will help your brain realize it's time to put work away and focus on fun. 

### Focus your mind during masturbation

Have you experienced turning on your favorite vibrator and finding just the right spot only to get distracted by a mistake you made at work or the bills piled on the kitchen counter? You might feel like you need to stop masturbating and jump back into life. 

But you'll be much more relaxed and better equipped to handle life stressors if you let your mind rest and enjoy an orgasm or two. Using free short stories to get you in the mood (and keep you there) can improve your next solo sesh. 

Try reading or listening to a short story before grabbing your favorite sex toy. You may choose to read the entire story before you start exploring your body, or let your hands wander over your erogenous zones as the plot heats up. Sexy stories will keep you focused on the [task at hand](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-make-yourself-cum). The rush of endorphins from your orgasm will improve your mood, lower your stress level, and you'll be ready to tackle the rest of your life.

### Explore sexual fantasies

Most people have a [kinky fantasy](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-taboos) or two they'd like to explore but aren't quite ready to bring into real life yet. Using free short stories to get you in the mood is the perfect way to explore the fetishes and kinks occupying your fantasies. 

Whether you're into a [BDSM story](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/bdsm-bondage) where a character is tied up for the first time and kept from orgasm by a dom with a vibrator or a love story involving deep intimacy and romantic connection, there are sexy stories for every taste. You can even [use short sexy stories to explore fantasies](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-fantasy-stories) with a partner. Erotic fiction can help you share your turn-ons and gauge your partner's interest. 

### Experiment with sexual orientation

If you're [questioning your sexual orientation](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-tell-if-youre-bi), you may feel nervous or worried about exploring sex with same-sex partners in real life. 

Because of our heteronormative culture and sex education, people often assume they're straight until something (or someone) sparks their interest in same-sex experiences. What's more, since sexuality is fluid, you may be straight as a young person only to become bisexual or gay later in life. Growing up in a heteronormative culture means you don't always have the language or tools for [figuring out your sexuality](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-exploration). 

It can be challenging to discuss your changing sexual desires with partners, best friends, or family members unless you have the right words to use and an experience or two to reference. Listening to [short stories with queer characters](https://app.dipseastories.com/categories/queer-stories-category) can help you figure out if you're interested in some real-life experimentation. 

## Where to find erotic short stories

Erotic short stories are all over the internet, but not all are created equal. [Here at Dipsea](https://www.dipseastories.com/about/), we believe freedom and inclusivity are vital pieces of sexual wellness. We're committed to building a library of erotica that’s relatable to members of the LGBTQ community and all women who have been underserved by sexual wellness content. 

Our stories feature active consent, sex-positive language, and sex between characters who are more like you. The result is an immersive sexual experience that feels real and safe, so you’re free to explore.

Our stories are perfect for activating sexual desire anywhere and anytime, as long as you have a pair of headphones. You can listen to our erotic short stories to help you explore sexual fantasies alone or with partners. 

If romance is your thing, try [Get Intimate with Malcolm](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/get-intimate-with-malcolm)—he's been thinking about you and can't wait to get his hands on you. If you're looking for something else, try [Wild Hearts](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/wild-hearts-i), where two women decide to play hooky from work and play with each other. 

Whatever you’re craving, Dipsea has sexy stories to get you in the mood and keep you there.

Getting ready for sex is tons of fun, like listening to free short stories to get you in the mood. Here’s where to get consent-focused, inclusive erotica.

Prep for arousal: Free short stories to get you in the mood

Free-short-stories

Society finds it easier to accept individual differences if they fit into neat categories. The messaging we often receive is that we are either one thing or another—introverted or extroverted, an artist or an engineer, gay or straight. But very few of us fit perfectly into any particular box—our identities often fall somewhere in between. If you're wondering how to tell if you're bi, you may be curious about what your desires mean and how to categorize yourself. 

Sexual identity is fluid, meaning it can change throughout your life. You may identify as straight during most of your life only to discover that you're more attracted to same-sex partners in your thirties. Then, in later years, you may move back toward the middle and identify as bisexual. 

When you question your sexual identity, tons of questions pop up. What does bisexual mean? How does someone know they’re bisexual rather than lesbian, gay, straight, or another sexual orientation? How do you talk about your sexual identity with people in your life? Read on to learn how to tell if you're bi and tips for what to do once you decide. 

## What does it mean to be bi?

There are no set criteria you can use to determine if you're bisexual. This may be frustrating as you search for concrete answers, but it’s also freeing—everyone gets to choose the label they want to describe their sexual identity. 

That said, it helps to have a definition to work with. The [definition of bisexuality from PFLAG](https://pflag.org/glossary) says that if someone recognizes their ability to be attracted to people of more than one gender, they are considered bisexual. The attraction to different genders can be sexual, romantic, and/or emotional. 

Based on this definition, bisexual people don't have to have [sexual experiences with people of more than one gender](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/threesome-positions) or with anyone at all. A woman who's never had a sexual experience with another woman can still be bisexual if she chooses to identify as such. No one gets to ask for your sexual resume when you choose a label for your sexual orientation.

Bisexuality is about attraction and how you relate to people. For example, a bisexual woman might desire both cisgender women and cisgender men. Or, she may be attracted to transgender folks or nonbinary people. If you're wondering how to tell if you're bi, remember you don't have to like each gender in the same way or even the same amount. You just have to be attracted to more than one gender. 

## Other closely related labels

There's more than one label for people attracted to more than one gender. The term bisexual doesn't fit everyone. There are many different labels in the LGBTQIA community because no one word suits everyone's needs.

Some people identify as pansexual because they can feel attracted to all people regardless of sex or gender identity. Other people choose to call themselves queer because they identify as members of the LGBTQIA community but don't want a specific label. 

None of these labels requires a person to have sexual experiences with every gender they find attractive. Self-identification is all that's necessary. 

## How to tell if you're bi: 4 questions to ask yourself

Some people know they're bisexual before they enter high school. Others live their lives as straight people only to become bi-curious or experience attraction for same-gender people for the first time later in life. While no checklist will tell you if you're bisexual, it may be helpful to consider your sexuality using the following questions. 

While the answers to these questions won't tell you whether you're bisexual, they may help [focus your self-discovery](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-exploration) and lead you to the answers you’re hoping for. 

### Am I attracted to more than one gender?

It can be difficult to pinpoint exactly why we’re attracted to the people who turn our heads. It’s often more than physical appearance—confidence, the sound of a voice, or the way someone smells all play a role. If you’re bisexual, you’re likely to have experienced the butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling around attractive people of multiple genders. 

If you’re questioning your sexual orientation, it may be helpful to explore that attraction a bit. Switch your dating profiles to the other gender and see how it feels to swipe. Perhaps next time you’re out and find yourself drawn to someone of the same sex, entertain that feeling with a bit of flirting to see how it feels.

If you’re not ready to involve others in your search, try fantasizing about rolling around with people of different genders [during your next solo sesh](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/masturbating-is-important-even-when-youre-in-a-relationship). 

### Do I fantasize about people of more than one gender when I masturbate? 

While not all [sexual fantasies](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-fantasy-stories) are destined to become a reality, if you regularly fantasize or enjoy sexual stimuli involving more than one gender, it’s a good sign you have bisexual tendencies. 

Sure, it’s common for straight people to find members of the same sex objectively attractive. Anyone can look at a photo of a celebrity and recognize that they’re hot. But the truth is, straight people aren’t turned on by members of their sex! They don’t fantasize about touching, kissing, and having sex with members of the same sex, so you very well could be bi if that’s you. 

Being bisexual is all about attraction and self-identification, so even if you never have sexual experiences with people of multiple genders, you can still be bisexual. 

### Am I confused about my sexuality? 

We live in a society that assumes heterosexuality unless people say otherwise. This means you may grow up thinking of yourself as heterosexual just because no other options were presented to you. 

Eventually, a connection with someone of the same gender or something as simple as an erotic story about someone of the same gender as you may cause you to wonder if you really are straight. 

If you feel confused and find yourself typing “how to tell if you’re bi” into the search bar on Google, it’s actually a good indicator that your sexuality lies somewhere other than heterosexual. Many a queer person’s story starts with a trend in their search history—it’s a natural first step!

If you grew up without the tools to talk about your sexuality openly, it’s especially challenging to figure out if you’re bisexual. You might have voices in your head telling you that you can’t be anything but straight. 

The good news is that it’s never too late to explore and see what feels right! No label is permanent, so there’s no harm in trying it on for a while. 

### How does calling myself bisexual make me feel?

Questioning your sexual identity can be a nerve-racking process. If you grew up in a community that was open and inclusive, you may feel excited about the idea of a sexual identity label that feels truer to who you are. If, on the other hand, you grew up around heteronormative messaging, the idea of breaking out of that mold can feel intimidating. 

Try looking in the mirror and saying “I’m bisexual” out loud (we know, it’s cheesy, but try it!). If the thought of calling yourself bisexual causes intense feelings of excitement and freedom, or on the flip side, fear and dread, it’s a good sign you need to do a bit of soul searching (and possibly [sexual exploration](https://dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-exploration)). 

You don’t need to share your journey with anyone until you’re ready, but reaching out to LGBTQIA communities or a therapist skilled at guiding people through the questioning process may help you feel supported in your search. 

## Bisexuality and your existing relationship

Even if your relationship appears heterosexual to outsiders, you can still call yourself bi. Your relationship doesn’t define your sexuality—you do. There are bisexual people who stay in long-term relationships with the opposite gender and never date someone of their same sex, and they are still bi. 

Sometimes, members of the bisexual community experience bisexual erasure when they are in a committed relationship with someone of one gender. People might assume their sexuality just because of their relationship status. For example, a bisexual man in a monogamous relationship with a woman might be considered straight by others. A woman in a relationship with a woman might be called a lesbian when she actually identifies as bi.

Bisexuality is a legitimate sexuality, no matter who you’re with. If you’re wondering if you’re bi, don’t let your relationship status hold you back from asking yourself about your sexuality.

Some people who discover their sexuality during a long-term, committed partnership decide to open up their marriage so they can test the waters. [Non-monogamy](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/ethical-non-monogamy) is a legitimate relationship style that places emphasis on honesty, communication, and trust. These types of partnerships acknowledge that there is no shortage of love to go around and that having other sexual partners doesn’t diminish the strength or legitimacy of the committed relationship.

But then again, many bi people realize they’re bi and happily stay in their monogamous relationships. While a common stereotype is that bisexual people are more likely to be promiscuous, that isn’t true. That harmful notion assumes: A) having multiple sexual partners is morally wrong, B) being monogamous is right, and C) bisexual people can’t control their sexual attraction. 

The truth is that you can have as many safe, consensual sexual partners as you want, but being bisexual doesn’t make you more likely to cheat in a monogamous relationship than any other sexual orientation. 

## How to come out as bi to loved ones

If you come to the conclusion that you’re a bisexual person, you may wonder how to come out to your friends and family. The answer depends on how you want to handle the situation. Some people live their bisexual identity loudly, and others prefer to keep their sexual orientation private their whole life. The choice is yours. 

When deciding how to discuss your sexual identity with loved ones, think about how they might react. If you have concerns about biphobia, you may want to bring a best friend or support person with you for the conversation. 

Some people initiate a formal conversation where they officially come out to loved ones as a group or one at a time. Other people decide to live their lives and introduce romantic partners as they come without the fanfare of a formal discussion. Whichever path you choose, remember that the most important thing is that your sexual orientation feels true to you. 

## Use self-pleasure to explore your sexual orientation

Since identifying as bisexual only requires you to be attracted to people of more than one gender, fantasizing during masturbation can help you explore. You may find you like fantasizing about the opposite sex or same-sex partners—or both. In addition to helping you find out if you're bisexual, listening to erotic audio can help spark a conversation about your sexual orientation with your partner(s) when you're ready. 

Dipsea offers immersive erotic audio designed to encourage exploration and self-pleasure. If you're wondering how to tell if you're bi, you might hear some of your own thoughts reflected as this narrator has a [sexy first hookup with another woman in Swipe Right I](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/swipe-right). If you want to explore your level of attraction to multiple genders, try [listening to Curious IV](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/curious-iv) as a game of 20 questions among three friends turns steamy. 

Society finds it easier to accept individual differences if they fit into neat categories. The messaging we often receive is that we are either one thing or another—introverted or extroverted, an artist or an engineer, gay or straight. But very few of us fit perfectly into any particular box—our identities often fall somewhere in between. If you're wondering how to tell if you're bi, you may be curious about what your desires mean and how to categorize yourself. 

Sexual identity is fluid, meaning it can change throughout your life. You may identify as straight during most of your life only to discover that you're more attracted to same-sex partners in your thirties. Then, in later years, you may move back toward the middle and identify as bisexual. 

When you question your sexual identity, tons of questions pop up. What does bisexual mean? How does someone know they’re bisexual rather than lesbian, gay, straight, or another sexual orientation? How do you talk about your sexual identity with people in your life? Read on to learn how to tell if you're bi and tips for what to do once you decide. 

## What does it mean to be bi?

There are no set criteria you can use to determine if you're bisexual. This may be frustrating as you search for concrete answers, but it’s also freeing—everyone gets to choose the label they want to describe their sexual identity. 

That said, it helps to have a definition to work with. The [definition of bisexuality from PFLAG](https://pflag.org/glossary) says that if someone recognizes their ability to be attracted to people of more than one gender, they are considered bisexual. The attraction to different genders can be sexual, romantic, and/or emotional. 

Based on this definition, bisexual people don't have to have [sexual experiences with people of more than one gender](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/threesome-positions) or with anyone at all. A woman who's never had a sexual experience with another woman can still be bisexual if she chooses to identify as such. No one gets to ask for your sexual resume when you choose a label for your sexual orientation.

Bisexuality is about attraction and how you relate to people. For example, a bisexual woman might desire both cisgender women and cisgender men. Or, she may be attracted to transgender folks or nonbinary people. If you're wondering how to tell if you're bi, remember you don't have to like each gender in the same way or even the same amount. You just have to be attracted to more than one gender. 

## Other closely related labels

There's more than one label for people attracted to more than one gender. The term bisexual doesn't fit everyone. There are many different labels in the LGBTQIA community because no one word suits everyone's needs.

Some people identify as pansexual because they can feel attracted to all people regardless of sex or gender identity. Other people choose to call themselves queer because they identify as members of the LGBTQIA community but don't want a specific label. 

None of these labels requires a person to have sexual experiences with every gender they find attractive. Self-identification is all that's necessary. 

## How to tell if you're bi: 4 questions to ask yourself

Some people know they're bisexual before they enter high school. Others live their lives as straight people only to become bi-curious or experience attraction for same-gender people for the first time later in life. While no checklist will tell you if you're bisexual, it may be helpful to consider your sexuality using the following questions. 

While the answers to these questions won't tell you whether you're bisexual, they may help [focus your self-discovery](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-exploration) and lead you to the answers you’re hoping for. 

### Am I attracted to more than one gender?

It can be difficult to pinpoint exactly why we’re attracted to the people who turn our heads. It’s often more than physical appearance—confidence, the sound of a voice, or the way someone smells all play a role. If you’re bisexual, you’re likely to have experienced the butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling around attractive people of multiple genders. 

If you’re questioning your sexual orientation, it may be helpful to explore that attraction a bit. Switch your dating profiles to the other gender and see how it feels to swipe. Perhaps next time you’re out and find yourself drawn to someone of the same sex, entertain that feeling with a bit of flirting to see how it feels.

If you’re not ready to involve others in your search, try fantasizing about rolling around with people of different genders [during your next solo sesh](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/masturbating-is-important-even-when-youre-in-a-relationship). 

### Do I fantasize about people of more than one gender when I masturbate? 

While not all [sexual fantasies](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-fantasy-stories) are destined to become a reality, if you regularly fantasize or enjoy sexual stimuli involving more than one gender, it’s a good sign you have bisexual tendencies. 

Sure, it’s common for straight people to find members of the same sex objectively attractive. Anyone can look at a photo of a celebrity and recognize that they’re hot. But the truth is, straight people aren’t turned on by members of their sex! They don’t fantasize about touching, kissing, and having sex with members of the same sex, so you very well could be bi if that’s you. 

Being bisexual is all about attraction and self-identification, so even if you never have sexual experiences with people of multiple genders, you can still be bisexual. 

### Am I confused about my sexuality? 

We live in a society that assumes heterosexuality unless people say otherwise. This means you may grow up thinking of yourself as heterosexual just because no other options were presented to you. 

Eventually, a connection with someone of the same gender or something as simple as an erotic story about someone of the same gender as you may cause you to wonder if you really are straight. 

If you feel confused and find yourself typing “how to tell if you’re bi” into the search bar on Google, it’s actually a good indicator that your sexuality lies somewhere other than heterosexual. Many a queer person’s story starts with a trend in their search history—it’s a natural first step!

If you grew up without the tools to talk about your sexuality openly, it’s especially challenging to figure out if you’re bisexual. You might have voices in your head telling you that you can’t be anything but straight. 

The good news is that it’s never too late to explore and see what feels right! No label is permanent, so there’s no harm in trying it on for a while. 

### How does calling myself bisexual make me feel?

Questioning your sexual identity can be a nerve-racking process. If you grew up in a community that was open and inclusive, you may feel excited about the idea of a sexual identity label that feels truer to who you are. If, on the other hand, you grew up around heteronormative messaging, the idea of breaking out of that mold can feel intimidating. 

Try looking in the mirror and saying “I’m bisexual” out loud (we know, it’s cheesy, but try it!). If the thought of calling yourself bisexual causes intense feelings of excitement and freedom, or on the flip side, fear and dread, it’s a good sign you need to do a bit of soul searching (and possibly [sexual exploration](https://dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-exploration)). 

You don’t need to share your journey with anyone until you’re ready, but reaching out to LGBTQIA communities or a therapist skilled at guiding people through the questioning process may help you feel supported in your search. 

## Bisexuality and your existing relationship

Even if your relationship appears heterosexual to outsiders, you can still call yourself bi. Your relationship doesn’t define your sexuality—you do. There are bisexual people who stay in long-term relationships with the opposite gender and never date someone of their same sex, and they are still bi. 

Sometimes, members of the bisexual community experience bisexual erasure when they are in a committed relationship with someone of one gender. People might assume their sexuality just because of their relationship status. For example, a bisexual man in a monogamous relationship with a woman might be considered straight by others. A woman in a relationship with a woman might be called a lesbian when she actually identifies as bi.

Bisexuality is a legitimate sexuality, no matter who you’re with. If you’re wondering if you’re bi, don’t let your relationship status hold you back from asking yourself about your sexuality.

Some people who discover their sexuality during a long-term, committed partnership decide to open up their marriage so they can test the waters. [Non-monogamy](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/ethical-non-monogamy) is a legitimate relationship style that places emphasis on honesty, communication, and trust. These types of partnerships acknowledge that there is no shortage of love to go around and that having other sexual partners doesn’t diminish the strength or legitimacy of the committed relationship.

But then again, many bi people realize they’re bi and happily stay in their monogamous relationships. While a common stereotype is that bisexual people are more likely to be promiscuous, that isn’t true. That harmful notion assumes: A) having multiple sexual partners is morally wrong, B) being monogamous is right, and C) bisexual people can’t control their sexual attraction. 

The truth is that you can have as many safe, consensual sexual partners as you want, but being bisexual doesn’t make you more likely to cheat in a monogamous relationship than any other sexual orientation. 

## How to come out as bi to loved ones

If you come to the conclusion that you’re a bisexual person, you may wonder how to come out to your friends and family. The answer depends on how you want to handle the situation. Some people live their bisexual identity loudly, and others prefer to keep their sexual orientation private their whole life. The choice is yours. 

When deciding how to discuss your sexual identity with loved ones, think about how they might react. If you have concerns about biphobia, you may want to bring a best friend or support person with you for the conversation. 

Some people initiate a formal conversation where they officially come out to loved ones as a group or one at a time. Other people decide to live their lives and introduce romantic partners as they come without the fanfare of a formal discussion. Whichever path you choose, remember that the most important thing is that your sexual orientation feels true to you. 

## Use self-pleasure to explore your sexual orientation

Since identifying as bisexual only requires you to be attracted to people of more than one gender, fantasizing during masturbation can help you explore. You may find you like fantasizing about the opposite sex or same-sex partners—or both. In addition to helping you find out if you're bisexual, listening to erotic audio can help spark a conversation about your sexual orientation with your partner(s) when you're ready. 

Dipsea offers immersive erotic audio designed to encourage exploration and self-pleasure. If you're wondering how to tell if you're bi, you might hear some of your own thoughts reflected as this narrator has a [sexy first hookup with another woman in Swipe Right I](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/swipe-right). If you want to explore your level of attraction to multiple genders, try [listening to Curious IV](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/curious-iv) as a game of 20 questions among three friends turns steamy. 

If you're wondering how to tell if you're bi, this guide will help you ask yourself important questions and give you options for what to do next.

How to tell if you're bi + tips for discovery and exploration

Are-You-Bi

If you grew up reading fairytales before bed as a little one, you might find it relaxing to wind down with an adult bedtime story. What's an adult bedtime story, you ask? 

For some, a bedtime story serves the primary purpose of lulling you to sleep. With insomnia becoming an ever-growing issue among American adults, this type of story is intentionally a little bit boring, a little bit slow, often overly descriptive, and read to you by a soft, gentle, relaxing voice (if it’s in an audio format). 

For other grownups, a short bedtime story for couples is a great way to spice up your sex life—a far more exciting proposition. 

If things have been feeling a little stagnant in the bedroom, or if you're looking to try out [a new way to get turned on](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-get-in-the-mood), audio-based adult bedtime stories for couples might just be the answer. Get lost in the story together, sharing your bedroom time with sexy voices in exciting scenarios that will awaken your imagination and prompt you to get it on with your partner. Who knows, you might even get a few ideas for new positions or games to play in bed.  

Whether you're into the slow and quiet bedtime stories to help you and your partner wind down or the kind that will reignite your flame and get things rolling, we've got you covered with a good bedtime story on the Dipsea app.

## Benefits of listening together

Sometimes, in a long-term relationship, things can [become routine and monotonous](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/when-the-intimacy-stops-in-a-relationship). It's part of the deal in a committed, worthy relationship to try and keep things exciting, but it's also totally normal to run out of ideas—or steam—over time. After all, “'til death do us part” can last quite a while. So it's time to get creative.

Maybe you've been curious about [dipping your toe into non-monogamy](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/ethical-non-monogamy) and are wondering what it might feel like to have another couple in the room with the two of you. Listen to a story together to find out how you each react to it, and use it as fodder for dirty talk between the sheets.

Or maybe non-monogamy sounds terrible to you, but you love the idea of eavesdropping on another couple's adventures (more of a voyeuristic fantasy). Maybe listening to a story of two people meeting for the first time and getting it on, or two others reuniting after years apart and sneaking into a coat closet at a high school reunion is just what you need to kick off your own love-making sesh with your partner.

In any case, listening to sexy bedtime stories together can serve as a jumping-off point to bring you and your partner closer together, increase intimacy, and turn up the heat in your bedroom. It's also a great way to start a conversation about how you might be able to shake things up—maybe a bedtime story gives you an idea for a creative date you could go on. Or it might inspire you to try something new like [pegging](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/what-is-pegging-anyway) or [light bondage](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/light-bondage). You never know, but bedtime stories for adults are a safe way to explore the possibilities!

## Sexy and romantic bedtime stories for couples

Start with a good bedtime story from Dipea to get you and your partner going. Variety is the spice of life, isn't it? We think so, so our short bedtime stories span across race, sexuality, and gender. You'll find the shorter trysts, where the characters get right to the hot and heavy point, and longer stories and series where you get to know the players and become invested in their journey together—more like a love story or romance novel that comes in segments.

Dipsea offers the soft and sensual as well as the rough and wild, the kinks and fetishes, group sex stories, business trip and vacation hookups, and more. With stories like these and a variety of voices telling them, there's something for everyone, and surely something you and your partner can agree on in the perfect way. 

Check out [Falling I](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/falling-i/listen), the beginning of a multi-part series in which Layla, an American in London, wakes up the next day after a steamy night with Niall, a charming young man who sweeps her off her feet. Is Niall a prince charming type or more of a one-night-stand guy? Find out if their night together turns into the ultimate love story, a long-distance relationship, or remains a single chance encounter that neither of them will ever forget.

Or, for a more rustic story with an outdoorsy sex scene that dips its toe into the world of exhibitionism, head over to [Wild Hearts I](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/wild-hearts-i/listen). This one is also the beginning of a multi-part series in which the narrator, a city girl volunteering on a farm outside of town, is seduced by a woman for the first time. 

Hudson is tasked with showing the narrator the ropes and assigning her tasks. The two flirt playfully, gently negging each other, and eventually end up horizontal next to a creek. It's definitely not love at first sight, but the magnetism between these two becomes obvious pretty quickly. Let yourself get swept away with this short story, you might find that you want to listen to the whole series with your partner, all snuggled up in bed.

There are loads of stories to choose from, whether you're looking for a beautiful woman's voice, a [sultry man's point of view](https://app.dipseastories.com/tags/male-perspective-tag), or a non-binary voice.

## Bedtime stories to wind down to

Just as a quick additional note, there's also something super sweet and romantic about falling asleep to a bedtime story with your partner. If you play your cards right, you might even get a [sex dream](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-have-sex-dreams) out of the whole thing. 

The trick to finding the best bedtime stories to fall asleep to is to look for the ones that feature a nice, relaxing voice, and possibly a soundscape in the background. You and your partner can wind down together to the sounds of crashing waves, the crackling of a campfire, and the dreamy voice of a stranger shepherding you into dreamland. 

There are tons of apps and YouTube channels out there that feature just the soundscape, and there are plenty of e-books that drone on and on to put you to sleep. But with Dipsea bedtime stories, the combination of a relaxing soundscape, a sensual voice, and a story just slow and rhythmic enough will lull you both into a deep sleep. 

To find stories just like these, [open up your Dipsea app](https://www.dipseastories.com/subscribe), look for the word "Sleep" with a little moon logo above it, and explore the various categories of adult bedtime stories. You'll see Soundscapes, Sleep Overs, Dreamscapes, and Bedtime Stories. Each one puts you into a state of relaxation and calm as you doze off beside your partner. 

## Nothing says "I love you" like a sexy bedtime story for couples

Now it's time to sit back and listen to some [sexy, romantic stories](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/hot-bedtime-short-stories) to get you ready for a real-life mug sesh with your boo. Ignite your imagination with one of the stories we've linked above or peruse the app for your own brand of hot. The sky's the limit.

If you grew up reading fairytales before bed as a little one, you might find it relaxing to wind down with an adult bedtime story. What's an adult bedtime story, you ask? 

For some, a bedtime story serves the primary purpose of lulling you to sleep. With insomnia becoming an ever-growing issue among American adults, this type of story is intentionally a little bit boring, a little bit slow, often overly descriptive, and read to you by a soft, gentle, relaxing voice (if it’s in an audio format). 

For other grownups, a short bedtime story for couples is a great way to spice up your sex life—a far more exciting proposition. 

If things have been feeling a little stagnant in the bedroom, or if you're looking to try out [a new way to get turned on](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-get-in-the-mood), audio-based adult bedtime stories for couples might just be the answer. Get lost in the story together, sharing your bedroom time with sexy voices in exciting scenarios that will awaken your imagination and prompt you to get it on with your partner. Who knows, you might even get a few ideas for new positions or games to play in bed.  

Whether you're into the slow and quiet bedtime stories to help you and your partner wind down or the kind that will reignite your flame and get things rolling, we've got you covered with a good bedtime story on the Dipsea app.

## Benefits of listening together

Sometimes, in a long-term relationship, things can [become routine and monotonous](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/when-the-intimacy-stops-in-a-relationship). It's part of the deal in a committed, worthy relationship to try and keep things exciting, but it's also totally normal to run out of ideas—or steam—over time. After all, “'til death do us part” can last quite a while. So it's time to get creative.

Maybe you've been curious about [dipping your toe into non-monogamy](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/ethical-non-monogamy) and are wondering what it might feel like to have another couple in the room with the two of you. Listen to a story together to find out how you each react to it, and use it as fodder for dirty talk between the sheets.

Or maybe non-monogamy sounds terrible to you, but you love the idea of eavesdropping on another couple's adventures (more of a voyeuristic fantasy). Maybe listening to a story of two people meeting for the first time and getting it on, or two others reuniting after years apart and sneaking into a coat closet at a high school reunion is just what you need to kick off your own love-making sesh with your partner.

In any case, listening to sexy bedtime stories together can serve as a jumping-off point to bring you and your partner closer together, increase intimacy, and turn up the heat in your bedroom. It's also a great way to start a conversation about how you might be able to shake things up—maybe a bedtime story gives you an idea for a creative date you could go on. Or it might inspire you to try something new like [pegging](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/what-is-pegging-anyway) or [light bondage](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/light-bondage). You never know, but bedtime stories for adults are a safe way to explore the possibilities!

## Sexy and romantic bedtime stories for couples

Start with a good bedtime story from Dipea to get you and your partner going. Variety is the spice of life, isn't it? We think so, so our short bedtime stories span across race, sexuality, and gender. You'll find the shorter trysts, where the characters get right to the hot and heavy point, and longer stories and series where you get to know the players and become invested in their journey together—more like a love story or romance novel that comes in segments.

Dipsea offers the soft and sensual as well as the rough and wild, the kinks and fetishes, group sex stories, business trip and vacation hookups, and more. With stories like these and a variety of voices telling them, there's something for everyone, and surely something you and your partner can agree on in the perfect way. 

Check out [Falling I](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/falling-i/listen), the beginning of a multi-part series in which Layla, an American in London, wakes up the next day after a steamy night with Niall, a charming young man who sweeps her off her feet. Is Niall a prince charming type or more of a one-night-stand guy? Find out if their night together turns into the ultimate love story, a long-distance relationship, or remains a single chance encounter that neither of them will ever forget.

Or, for a more rustic story with an outdoorsy sex scene that dips its toe into the world of exhibitionism, head over to [Wild Hearts I](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/wild-hearts-i/listen). This one is also the beginning of a multi-part series in which the narrator, a city girl volunteering on a farm outside of town, is seduced by a woman for the first time. 

Hudson is tasked with showing the narrator the ropes and assigning her tasks. The two flirt playfully, gently negging each other, and eventually end up horizontal next to a creek. It's definitely not love at first sight, but the magnetism between these two becomes obvious pretty quickly. Let yourself get swept away with this short story, you might find that you want to listen to the whole series with your partner, all snuggled up in bed.

There are loads of stories to choose from, whether you're looking for a beautiful woman's voice, a [sultry man's point of view](https://app.dipseastories.com/tags/male-perspective-tag), or a non-binary voice.

## Bedtime stories to wind down to

Just as a quick additional note, there's also something super sweet and romantic about falling asleep to a bedtime story with your partner. If you play your cards right, you might even get a [sex dream](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-have-sex-dreams) out of the whole thing. 

The trick to finding the best bedtime stories to fall asleep to is to look for the ones that feature a nice, relaxing voice, and possibly a soundscape in the background. You and your partner can wind down together to the sounds of crashing waves, the crackling of a campfire, and the dreamy voice of a stranger shepherding you into dreamland. 

There are tons of apps and YouTube channels out there that feature just the soundscape, and there are plenty of e-books that drone on and on to put you to sleep. But with Dipsea bedtime stories, the combination of a relaxing soundscape, a sensual voice, and a story just slow and rhythmic enough will lull you both into a deep sleep. 

To find stories just like these, [open up your Dipsea app](https://www.dipseastories.com/subscribe), look for the word "Sleep" with a little moon logo above it, and explore the various categories of adult bedtime stories. You'll see Soundscapes, Sleep Overs, Dreamscapes, and Bedtime Stories. Each one puts you into a state of relaxation and calm as you doze off beside your partner. 

## Nothing says "I love you" like a sexy bedtime story for couples

Now it's time to sit back and listen to some [sexy, romantic stories](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/hot-bedtime-short-stories) to get you ready for a real-life mug sesh with your boo. Ignite your imagination with one of the stories we've linked above or peruse the app for your own brand of hot. The sky's the limit.

If you're looking to try out a new way to get turned on (then slowly drift off), audio-based adult bedtime stories for couples might just be the answer.

Switch up your sex life with bedtime stories for couples

Bedtime-for-Couples

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to reignite the spark? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=sexlessblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

Maybe physical intimacy was easy when you first met. Perhaps the new relationship energized you and super-charged your libido. You might have spent every available moment with your partner(s) entangled in an erotic heap. But now, you never seem to be in sync. Even the casual nudity of getting undressed in front of each other has stopped. So, what do you do when the intimacy stops in a relationship? 

Every long-term relationship goes through periods of [high and low sexual desire](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5987853/). Sometimes the [sexual relationship nose-dives](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-rebuild-trust/) quickly, and other times it's like a feather falling in the breeze. Many factors influence these cycles, but when you find yourself in a sexless relationship, it’s natural to focus all of your energy on fixing it. 

When the intimacy stops in a relationship, you may worry if you can save the relationship and if rekindling your intimate relationship is necessary for the success of your partnership. Read on for guidance on what to do.

## When is a relationship considered sexless? 

Sex is an integral part of many healthy relationships since it deepens emotional intimacy and strengthens your bonds. Most folks consider it essential for their overall well-being. That's not to say everyone needs to have tons of sex to have a healthy relationship—but the amount and quality of sex should be satisfying for everyone involved.

The right amount of sex for any relationship depends on the couple. As long as everyone is satisfied with the frequency and quality of sexual experiences, there isn't a reason to make changes. Some couples enjoy sex once a month, and others would consider that infrequent enough to be a sexless relationship. Only you and your partner can determine when the intimacy stops in a relationship.

## Why do couples stop having sex? 

There are several common reasons intimacy stops in romantic relationships. It's helpful to think of you and your partner as separate beings and your relationship as another living entity with needs: Sometimes the problem is related to something going on with one partner, and sometimes something is amiss in the relationship itself. 

### Life changes

When intimacy stops in a relationship, life changes or and other stressors might be the culprits. When you or your partner experience life changes such as chronic illness, becoming a parent, a career change, or graduating from school, you can experience extra stress. Your body responds to the pressure of these situations by lowering your sex drive, even when the change is a positive one, such as starting a new career.   

Changes in your body may cause sexual intimacy to stop in a relationship. Weight gain or loss, changes in disability status, and childbirth can all cause self-esteem issues or concerns about performance that make maintaining your sex life difficult.

### Health conditions

Many health conditions can cause intimacy problems, which are often difficult to discuss. Suppose your partner is suddenly uninterested in sex. In that case, they may suffer from sexual dysfunction such as erectile dysfunction, pain during vaginal penetration, or pelvic floor discomfort that they aren't sure how to manage. Your partner may not even know when the trouble started. If you or your partner have a health condition impacting your sex life, talking to a doctor will be vital to addressing the issue.

### Mental health

Believe it or not, your brain is your largest [erogenous zone](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones), so if you struggle with mental health, it can be difficult for you to become aroused. Depression can cause [low levels of pleasure hormones](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9296-sexual-problems-and-depression-) which means the brain can't increase blood flow in response to sexual stimuli. Mental health issues can also affect sensation during sex, lowering your body's response to your partner's touch. 

Medications used to treat mental health conditions can also affect sex drive. Talking to your doctor or therapist about adjusting medications may help. 

### Uneven sex drives

Sometimes when the intimacy stops in a relationship, it's not caused by one person but by the relationship’s dynamic. The problem might simply be [mismatched libidos](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/navigating-mismatched-desire/). It's common for one partner to want physical intimacy more regularly than another. 

Uneven sex drives can cause a higher-desire partner to feel rejected and a lower-desire partner to feel pressured, and intimacy issues may result. Couples in this situation have the challenge of creating a sex life that meets everyone's sexual needs without the low-desire partner feeling pressured. 

### Problems with emotional intimacy 

Emotional connection isn’t always necessary for great sexual relationships, but if you're in a [long-term relationship](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-get-in-the-mood/) that suddenly loses physical intimacy, your emotional connection could be the problem. Emotional intimacy is the ability to be vulnerable with each other and know your partner sees and accepts all of you—even the parts you don't show others. 

If [emotional intimacy is a problem](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/fear-of-intimacy/), it can be difficult to even have a conversation about the state of your intimate relationship. 

## Can you fix sexual intimacy issues?

When intimacy stops in a relationship, you may worry that the relationship issues are too big to fix, even with a licensed marriage and family therapist. But know, even if relationship problems seem overwhelming, it is possible to fix sexual intimacy issues and reconnect with your partner. The path to a renewed sex life is different depending on the cause. Here are some tips to get you started. 

### Take stock of your sex life

The first step is for you and your partner to have an honest conversation about your level of satisfaction with physical intimacy. You and your partner may find the cause of the lack of sexual intimacy in your relationship on your own. 

This can be a difficult conversation, especially if emotional connection is part of the trouble. You may find it helpful to reach out to a relationship or sex therapist to find ways to communicate more effectively about sex. 

### Address underlying health conditions

If there's a sudden decrease in physical intimacy in your relationship, it's a good idea to fix underlying health conditions first. A trip to the doctor may be in order to address issues with hormone levels and mental health conditions. You may need to adjust medications to fix sexual dysfunction, or try physical therapy to alleviate painful pelvic floor symptoms.

## When the intimacy stops in a relationship, reconnection takes time

Initiating a conversation about a lack of intimacy in a relationship is often tricky. You and your partner may feel sensitive or even embarrassed about the lack of sex. Those feelings are expected as your relationship changes and evolves. If you and your partner(s) can move through the discomfort, a stronger relationship with satisfying physical intimacy could be on the other side.  

When intimacy stops in a relationship, it can be challenging to find a starting place for reconnecting. If you need help discussing your sex life, try listening to Dipsea's 36 Question series with your partner. Grab your favorite beverage and a cozy blanket and cuddle up to listen as our narrator guides you through a series of questions about your sex life to foster emotional intimacy and spark an honest discussion about the state of physical intimacy in your relationship.

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=sexlessblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

<div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/12-questions-part-i/listen?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=sexlessblog">
    <img src="//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/4FWtMf0V8qxoQ04XzDPrp2/265e240542155477060388a8943d5f37/500-143_12QuestionsPart1_DaraNazaryan-.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">36 Questions I</p>
  </a>
</div>

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/12-questions-part-ii?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=sexlessblog">
    <img src="//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/85mntvnh42TZEd8cCJtrV/f053b4e1c56ba1c5fea3e750115cdc71/500-178_12QuestionsPart2_DaraNazaryan-fs8.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">36 Questions II</p>
  </a>
</div>

</div>
</div>

Maybe physical intimacy was easy when you first met. Perhaps the new relationship energized you and super-charged your libido. You might have spent every available moment with your partner(s) entangled in an erotic heap. But now, you never seem to be in sync. Even the casual nudity of getting undressed in front of each other has stopped. So, what do you do when the intimacy stops in a relationship? 

Every long-term relationship goes through periods of [high and low sexual desire](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5987853/). Sometimes the [sexual relationship nose-dives](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-rebuild-trust/) quickly, and other times it's like a feather falling in the breeze. Many factors influence these cycles, but when you find yourself in a sexless relationship, it’s natural to focus all of your energy on fixing it. 

When the intimacy stops in a relationship, you may worry if you can save the relationship and if rekindling your intimate relationship is necessary for the success of your partnership. Read on for guidance on what to do.

## When is a relationship considered sexless? 

Sex is an integral part of many healthy relationships since it deepens emotional intimacy and strengthens your bonds. Most folks consider it essential for their overall well-being. That's not to say everyone needs to have tons of sex to have a healthy relationship—but the amount and quality of sex should be satisfying for everyone involved.

The right amount of sex for any relationship depends on the couple. As long as everyone is satisfied with the frequency and quality of sexual experiences, there isn't a reason to make changes. Some couples enjoy sex once a month, and others would consider that infrequent enough to be a sexless relationship. Only you and your partner can determine when the intimacy stops in a relationship.

## Why do couples stop having sex? 

There are several common reasons intimacy stops in romantic relationships. It's helpful to think of you and your partner as separate beings and your relationship as another living entity with needs: Sometimes the problem is related to something going on with one partner, and sometimes something is amiss in the relationship itself. 

### Life changes

When intimacy stops in a relationship, life changes or and other stressors might be the culprits. When you or your partner experience life changes such as chronic illness, becoming a parent, a career change, or graduating from school, you can experience extra stress. Your body responds to the pressure of these situations by lowering your sex drive, even when the change is a positive one, such as starting a new career.   

Changes in your body may cause sexual intimacy to stop in a relationship. Weight gain or loss, changes in disability status, and childbirth can all cause self-esteem issues or concerns about performance that make maintaining your sex life difficult.

### Health conditions

Many health conditions can cause intimacy problems, which are often difficult to discuss. Suppose your partner is suddenly uninterested in sex. In that case, they may suffer from sexual dysfunction such as erectile dysfunction, pain during vaginal penetration, or pelvic floor discomfort that they aren't sure how to manage. Your partner may not even know when the trouble started. If you or your partner have a health condition impacting your sex life, talking to a doctor will be vital to addressing the issue.

### Mental health

Believe it or not, your brain is your largest [erogenous zone](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones), so if you struggle with mental health, it can be difficult for you to become aroused. Depression can cause [low levels of pleasure hormones](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9296-sexual-problems-and-depression-) which means the brain can't increase blood flow in response to sexual stimuli. Mental health issues can also affect sensation during sex, lowering your body's response to your partner's touch. 

Medications used to treat mental health conditions can also affect sex drive. Talking to your doctor or therapist about adjusting medications may help. 

### Uneven sex drives

Sometimes when the intimacy stops in a relationship, it's not caused by one person but by the relationship’s dynamic. The problem might simply be [mismatched libidos](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/navigating-mismatched-desire/). It's common for one partner to want physical intimacy more regularly than another. 

Uneven sex drives can cause a higher-desire partner to feel rejected and a lower-desire partner to feel pressured, and intimacy issues may result. Couples in this situation have the challenge of creating a sex life that meets everyone's sexual needs without the low-desire partner feeling pressured. 

### Problems with emotional intimacy 

Emotional connection isn’t always necessary for great sexual relationships, but if you're in a [long-term relationship](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-get-in-the-mood/) that suddenly loses physical intimacy, your emotional connection could be the problem. Emotional intimacy is the ability to be vulnerable with each other and know your partner sees and accepts all of you—even the parts you don't show others. 

If [emotional intimacy is a problem](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/fear-of-intimacy/), it can be difficult to even have a conversation about the state of your intimate relationship. 

## Can you fix sexual intimacy issues?

When intimacy stops in a relationship, you may worry that the relationship issues are too big to fix, even with a licensed marriage and family therapist. But know, even if relationship problems seem overwhelming, it is possible to fix sexual intimacy issues and reconnect with your partner. The path to a renewed sex life is different depending on the cause. Here are some tips to get you started. 

### Take stock of your sex life

The first step is for you and your partner to have an honest conversation about your level of satisfaction with physical intimacy. You and your partner may find the cause of the lack of sexual intimacy in your relationship on your own. 

This can be a difficult conversation, especially if emotional connection is part of the trouble. You may find it helpful to reach out to a relationship or sex therapist to find ways to communicate more effectively about sex. 

### Address underlying health conditions

If there's a sudden decrease in physical intimacy in your relationship, it's a good idea to fix underlying health conditions first. A trip to the doctor may be in order to address issues with hormone levels and mental health conditions. You may need to adjust medications to fix sexual dysfunction, or try physical therapy to alleviate painful pelvic floor symptoms.

## When the intimacy stops in a relationship, reconnection takes time

Initiating a conversation about a lack of intimacy in a relationship is often tricky. You and your partner may feel sensitive or even embarrassed about the lack of sex. Those feelings are expected as your relationship changes and evolves. If you and your partner(s) can move through the discomfort, a stronger relationship with satisfying physical intimacy could be on the other side.  

When intimacy stops in a relationship, it can be challenging to find a starting place for reconnecting. If you need help discussing your sex life, try listening to Dipsea's 36 Question series with your partner. Grab your favorite beverage and a cozy blanket and cuddle up to listen as our narrator guides you through a series of questions about your sex life to foster emotional intimacy and spark an honest discussion about the state of physical intimacy in your relationship.

When the intimacy comes to a halt in a relationship, it can feel lonely and discouraging. Discover common causes to a lack of sex and how to manage them.

Sexy to sexless: What to do when the intimacy stops in a relationship

Sexy-to-Sexless

Ready to reignite the spark? Dipsea has you covered.

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to connect with partners in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=lightbondageblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

Looking to spice things up and try something new with your partner? Thinking blindfolds and handcuffs perhaps? Let's get kinky and dive into the details of light bondage play. You might be more interested than you think!

Light bondage is just a toe-dip into the world of BDSM—you don't have to progress all the way to the hardcore stuff to enjoy the perks of light bondage play with a partner. There's a lot to discover within the worlds of role play, dom/sub play, and the use of restraints to add variety and excitement to your sex life. 

And there's no pressure here. Light bondage is only fun if everyone is 100% on-board, feels completely safe, and is willing to play along. Even if you never go beyond a few [light spankings](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/bdsm-spanking), introducing some new sexy ideas can be a fun way to explore with your partner(s). Let's get into it.

## Elements of light bondage

If you're looking to explore the world of light bondage, there are a number of potential elements to consider. There's the bondage part: the literal restraints you might use to keep your partner (or yourself) in place during the sexy activities. Then there are added bonuses like a blindfold, sex toys, a paddle or flogger (yes, you can be "light" about flogging!), tools for [temperature play](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sensation-play/), and/or whatever other [personal fetishes](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/bdsm-identifying-your-kink) you might want to bring into the equation. 

And finally, there's the establishment of a safe word and personal boundaries. This is where the rubber meets the road—none of the fun we're about to explore can happen without establishing a safe word and spelling out personal boundaries. We'll share communication tips here to make sure everyone’s on-board with every step of the process.

### Restraints

You don't have to go out and buy something special for restraints, although you can—plenty of sex shops have whole sections dedicated to BDSM toys and specialized bondage for bedroom play. 

Simple scarves or soft belts—even longer socks or stockings—can work great as wrist and ankle restraints. You can use them as bed restraints if you have a headboard or footboard with posts to tie to, or you can simply tie hands and feet together. You can also opt for the hog tie, in which you tie hands and feet together behind the person. This is incredibly incapacitating and requires immense trust. 

The idea is for the person tied up (the sub) to surrender control to the person doing the tieing (the dom). 

*Special note on restraints: Communication is key throughout this whole adventure if you want to come as close to guaranteeing as positive experience as possible. When you tie, check in and make sure that the restraints aren't too tight. You want them to be tight enough that they can't get out of it, but you're not trying to torture your partner, so communicate about comfort, circulation, etc.

You can also use "verbal bondage" with no physical restraints at all. All this means is that you've come to an agreement about who's in charge, and the other person does what they say (and experiences some sort of consequence if they don't follow the rules). 

For example, you could straddle your partner and instruct them not to touch you or themselves, no matter what you do to yourself or them. From there, you could stroke them gently, do some light tickling or biting, tease the beginnings of a blow job or cunnilingus—any type of foreplay you want, really—but they can't touch you, no matter what. 

If they reach out and touch you, then they receive a consequence. That consequence could be a light spanking or flogging, a verbal admonishment, a nipple squeeze, a tug of the hair, or you could walk away and refuse to come back till they beg for your forgiveness. You (both) decide! 

### Blindfolds and sensory play

Blindfolds do something similar to restraints—they empower one person while the other relinquishes control. You can use them in tandem or by themselves, and you can add sensory play to heighten the physical experience of losing your sight. 

For example, you can use a blindfold to enhance the experience of temperature play. Temperature play is the use of hot and cold to stimulate and heighten your sexual senses. You can do this in a few different ways. 

You could use a massage candle, which is made out of wax that's meant to be dripped directly on your skin, for hot play. You could run a cube of ice across key body parts for cold play. You could also explore temperature play with glass sex toys like [dildos](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-use-a-dildo/) and butt plugs. Stick them in the fridge overnight before your light bondage sesh or warm them with warm water closer to play time. Just make sure nothing is too hot if you're planning on insertion. Test it in the fold of your knee before putting it anywhere near genitals.

### Sex toys, lube, and furniture

Having all your favorite sex props and lubes at the ready during an experience like this is never a bad idea, especially if this is your first time exploring a light bondage kink. In fact, you might not know which elements of light bondage turn you on, so having that lube nearby could help smooth it all out as you discover what does and doesn't turn you on.

If your partner has a vulva and enjoys using a [vibrator](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-use-a-vibrator-tips-for-choosing-and-using-a-new-toy/) to reach orgasm, you might want to keep that around for teasing as you build tension during your light bondage sex sesh. That slow build, tease, build, tease could be pretty amazing—for both of you.

If your partner likes [anal sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/what-is-pegging-anyway/), you could keep a strap-on and dildo or butt plug hidden in the sheets and surprise them with it midway through your play session. Check in here to make sure they're up for it before proceeding with penetration.

If you have a [sex pillow](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-pillow/) or other sex furniture, you might start with that and get it all set up underneath your partner before adding in restraints so that it's all in place for maximum pleasure.

Special BDSM toys could also come into play here for some light BDSM play if you're feeling even more adventurous. This could include nipple clamps, a tickler, a paddle, a whip or flogger, a collar and leash, or handcuffs. It never hurts to add some sexy lingerie or even some leather into the mix.

### Safe words and boundaries

None of the fun we've just outlined will be possible without total trust between you and your partner. That's why communication and establishing a safe word are so critical, even if you're not planning to venture past light bondage into hardcore BDSM. 

A safe word is an agreed-upon word that you and your partner establish ahead of time to mean that everything needs to stop immediately. It's important to establish this word because when role play or sub/dom is involved, it can be difficult to tell what's real and what's part of the act. If you choose a word like "cricket" or "watermelon," a word that doesn't have anything to do with the task at hand, then you'll both know that it's time to stop.

It's important to communicate before the experience through [pre-care](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-precare-foreplay-aftercare/), even beyond establishing a safe word, before venturing into light bondage or BDSM for the first time. You want to make sure you know if your partner has experienced trauma or has any particular triggers that would ruin their experience with you without you realizing it. 

For example, some people are turned on by verbal belittling or shaming. They love to be called useless and small. But there might be one area that goes too far for them. Perhaps they're an eating disorder survivor, and body shaming is too triggering for them. You'd want to know that in advance. 

The paradox of the sub/dom relationship is that nothing happens without the sub's approval, even if it doesn't seem that way. The sub might be relinquishing control in the moment, but only within predefined parameters that all parties agree to in advance. For example, a sub might be willing to receive all sorts of light discipline—spanking, hot wax, nipple clamps—but have one thing that they never ever want to do—be tickled. The dom has to respect that for this type of relationship to work.

## Light bondage: Get into it!

So now it's time for that chat. If you and your partner are ready to take the plunge into the world of light bondage, then sit down together and plan out what your first time is going to be like. Will you use restraints? Is it obvious from your relationship dynamics who should be the sub and who should be the dom? Do you want to stick to that or mix it up? What toys will you bring along? Anything off-limits? What's your safe word going to be? 

For some sexy example stories the two of you can listen to to get yourself ready, head over to the Dipsea app. There, you can find all kinds of delicious audio erotica featuring a diverse array of characters. The stories are always consensual and focused on female pleasure. Take a listen to 'Golden Hour' and 'Eighty-Six II' to get an idea of what we mean.

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=lightbondageblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

<div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/golden-hour?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=lightbondageblog">
    <img src="//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/7FW6pygUnlqPe98EOVhW3g/873acc9ec85413a01bef16bd6232824b/371_GoldenHour_BonnieBrown.PNG?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Golden Hour</p>
  </a>
</div>

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/eighty-six-ii?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=lightbondageblog">
    <img src="//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/33dm5gw1anNAjtUcb1rZ2L/c04b87dd028474ee4ecd5eb3dd599486/500-511_RaisetheBarI_BonnieBrown-min.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Eighty-Six II</p>
  </a>
</div>

</div>
</div>

Looking to spice things up and try something new with your partner? Thinking blindfolds and handcuffs perhaps? Let's get kinky and dive into the details of light bondage play. You might be more interested than you think!

Light bondage is just a toe-dip into the world of BDSM—you don't have to progress all the way to the hardcore stuff to enjoy the perks of light bondage play with a partner. There's a lot to discover within the worlds of role play, dom/sub play, and the use of restraints to add variety and excitement to your sex life. 

And there's no pressure here. Light bondage is only fun if everyone is 100% on-board, feels completely safe, and is willing to play along. Even if you never go beyond a few [light spankings](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/bdsm-spanking), introducing some new sexy ideas can be a fun way to explore with your partner(s). Let's get into it.

## Elements of light bondage

If you're looking to explore the world of light bondage, there are a number of potential elements to consider. There's the bondage part: the literal restraints you might use to keep your partner (or yourself) in place during the sexy activities. Then there are added bonuses like a blindfold, sex toys, a paddle or flogger (yes, you can be "light" about flogging!), tools for [temperature play](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sensation-play/), and/or whatever other [personal fetishes](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/bdsm-identifying-your-kink) you might want to bring into the equation. 

And finally, there's the establishment of a safe word and personal boundaries. This is where the rubber meets the road—none of the fun we're about to explore can happen without establishing a safe word and spelling out personal boundaries. We'll share communication tips here to make sure everyone’s on-board with every step of the process.

### Restraints

You don't have to go out and buy something special for restraints, although you can—plenty of sex shops have whole sections dedicated to BDSM toys and specialized bondage for bedroom play. 

Simple scarves or soft belts—even longer socks or stockings—can work great as wrist and ankle restraints. You can use them as bed restraints if you have a headboard or footboard with posts to tie to, or you can simply tie hands and feet together. You can also opt for the hog tie, in which you tie hands and feet together behind the person. This is incredibly incapacitating and requires immense trust. 

The idea is for the person tied up (the sub) to surrender control to the person doing the tieing (the dom). 

*Special note on restraints: Communication is key throughout this whole adventure if you want to come as close to guaranteeing as positive experience as possible. When you tie, check in and make sure that the restraints aren't too tight. You want them to be tight enough that they can't get out of it, but you're not trying to torture your partner, so communicate about comfort, circulation, etc.

You can also use "verbal bondage" with no physical restraints at all. All this means is that you've come to an agreement about who's in charge, and the other person does what they say (and experiences some sort of consequence if they don't follow the rules). 

For example, you could straddle your partner and instruct them not to touch you or themselves, no matter what you do to yourself or them. From there, you could stroke them gently, do some light tickling or biting, tease the beginnings of a blow job or cunnilingus—any type of foreplay you want, really—but they can't touch you, no matter what. 

If they reach out and touch you, then they receive a consequence. That consequence could be a light spanking or flogging, a verbal admonishment, a nipple squeeze, a tug of the hair, or you could walk away and refuse to come back till they beg for your forgiveness. You (both) decide! 

### Blindfolds and sensory play

Blindfolds do something similar to restraints—they empower one person while the other relinquishes control. You can use them in tandem or by themselves, and you can add sensory play to heighten the physical experience of losing your sight. 

For example, you can use a blindfold to enhance the experience of temperature play. Temperature play is the use of hot and cold to stimulate and heighten your sexual senses. You can do this in a few different ways. 

You could use a massage candle, which is made out of wax that's meant to be dripped directly on your skin, for hot play. You could run a cube of ice across key body parts for cold play. You could also explore temperature play with glass sex toys like [dildos](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-use-a-dildo/) and butt plugs. Stick them in the fridge overnight before your light bondage sesh or warm them with warm water closer to play time. Just make sure nothing is too hot if you're planning on insertion. Test it in the fold of your knee before putting it anywhere near genitals.

### Sex toys, lube, and furniture

Having all your favorite sex props and lubes at the ready during an experience like this is never a bad idea, especially if this is your first time exploring a light bondage kink. In fact, you might not know which elements of light bondage turn you on, so having that lube nearby could help smooth it all out as you discover what does and doesn't turn you on.

If your partner has a vulva and enjoys using a [vibrator](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-use-a-vibrator-tips-for-choosing-and-using-a-new-toy/) to reach orgasm, you might want to keep that around for teasing as you build tension during your light bondage sex sesh. That slow build, tease, build, tease could be pretty amazing—for both of you.

If your partner likes [anal sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/what-is-pegging-anyway/), you could keep a strap-on and dildo or butt plug hidden in the sheets and surprise them with it midway through your play session. Check in here to make sure they're up for it before proceeding with penetration.

If you have a [sex pillow](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-pillow/) or other sex furniture, you might start with that and get it all set up underneath your partner before adding in restraints so that it's all in place for maximum pleasure.

Special BDSM toys could also come into play here for some light BDSM play if you're feeling even more adventurous. This could include nipple clamps, a tickler, a paddle, a whip or flogger, a collar and leash, or handcuffs. It never hurts to add some sexy lingerie or even some leather into the mix.

### Safe words and boundaries

None of the fun we've just outlined will be possible without total trust between you and your partner. That's why communication and establishing a safe word are so critical, even if you're not planning to venture past light bondage into hardcore BDSM. 

A safe word is an agreed-upon word that you and your partner establish ahead of time to mean that everything needs to stop immediately. It's important to establish this word because when role play or sub/dom is involved, it can be difficult to tell what's real and what's part of the act. If you choose a word like "cricket" or "watermelon," a word that doesn't have anything to do with the task at hand, then you'll both know that it's time to stop.

It's important to communicate before the experience through [pre-care](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-precare-foreplay-aftercare/), even beyond establishing a safe word, before venturing into light bondage or BDSM for the first time. You want to make sure you know if your partner has experienced trauma or has any particular triggers that would ruin their experience with you without you realizing it. 

For example, some people are turned on by verbal belittling or shaming. They love to be called useless and small. But there might be one area that goes too far for them. Perhaps they're an eating disorder survivor, and body shaming is too triggering for them. You'd want to know that in advance. 

The paradox of the sub/dom relationship is that nothing happens without the sub's approval, even if it doesn't seem that way. The sub might be relinquishing control in the moment, but only within predefined parameters that all parties agree to in advance. For example, a sub might be willing to receive all sorts of light discipline—spanking, hot wax, nipple clamps—but have one thing that they never ever want to do—be tickled. The dom has to respect that for this type of relationship to work.

## Light bondage: Get into it!

So now it's time for that chat. If you and your partner are ready to take the plunge into the world of light bondage, then sit down together and plan out what your first time is going to be like. Will you use restraints? Is it obvious from your relationship dynamics who should be the sub and who should be the dom? Do you want to stick to that or mix it up? What toys will you bring along? Anything off-limits? What's your safe word going to be? 

For some sexy example stories the two of you can listen to to get yourself ready, head over to the Dipsea app. There, you can find all kinds of delicious audio erotica featuring a diverse array of characters. The stories are always consensual and focused on female pleasure. Take a listen to 'Golden Hour' and 'Eighty-Six II' to get an idea of what we mean.

Even if you never go beyond a few spankings, introducing some light bondage can be a fun way to explore a new aspect of sexuality with your partner.

How to explore light bondage play with your trusted partner

Bondage

Ready to connect with partners in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Looking to connect with your partner in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=massageblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

Giving an erotic massage is a generous and thoughtful way to help your partner relax and release. It's a sexy act of service (that covers two [Love Languages](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/physical-touch-love-language/) at once!). The key is to make both parts of the equation work—the erotic *and* the massage. You don't want to skimp on the massage and go straight for the sexy bits too soon. Take your time, make it count, and give your partner a genuine chance to unwind and release some tension before the happy ending.

We're not saying you need to go to massage school before offering to lather up your lover, but we do have a few suggestions for how to make the entire experience as pleasurable as possible for your lucky partner. We'll go over what supplies you'll need, the basics for how to set the mood, and ultimately, how to give an erotic massage that will blow your partner's mind. 

## What you need for an erotic massage

Our suggestions here are to maximize the experience. We don't want you to break the bank buying a bunch of supplies for your erotic massage, so we'll make suggestions at a range of price points so you can choose what's right for you. 

### 1) The massage surface

In an ideal world, you'd have a sturdy massage table (just in case you both end up on it at the end), but we know that might be a lot to ask, especially if you don't have a ton of extra space at home. So instead, you can use your bed. Just take a few extra steps so you don't ruin your sheets with massage oil. (That wouldn’t be relaxing for anyone.)

Lay down a few towels with a sheet on top that you don't mind getting oil on. You might also use a sheet for laying on top of the body parts you're not working on (just like a real massage therapist would) so that your partner doesn't get cold.

If you don't have that stuff at home, consider a quick trip to the thrift store, and wash everything thoroughly before you proceed so that it's all clean and smells fresh. Your partner will be laying on it naked, and every detail counts here to maximize the experience. Nothing says turn off like a gross smell.

### 2) The massage medium

Some people like oil, some people like lotion. That part is up to you, but again, smell is key. If your partner is allergic or sensitive to fragrance in body products, we suggest going with a neutral oil instead of lotion, as some fragrance-free lotions still have a smell that isn't always sexy. 

And when we say neutral, we mean you could literally go into your kitchen and grab your avocado oil if you want. If your partner doesn't mind coconut, coconut oil is also a great choice.

Your goal with the massage medium is that it stays smooth and slippery, doesn't get sticky, and has a nice glide to it to help you work. This isn't a lube, it's for a good massage, so pick something you think a masseuse would use. 

### 3) The extras

You have room to play with the additional details for this experience. If you want to burn an aromatherapy scented candle (or use a massage candle for the massage medium or temperature play), go for it. If you want to diffuse a relaxing or sexy essential oil into the room, perfect. If you want to include your [sex pillow](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-pillow/) to bolster different body parts during the massage, you can do that. If you and your partner have a special toy or vibrator you want to include toward the end of the massage, hide that somewhere until the end so you have it on hand. Or if you have a sexy outfit you want to wear under your "masseuse clothes," that could be a fun surprise too!

## How to set the mood for your erotic massage

A huge detail in how to give an erotic massage is setting the mood for maximum comfort and relaxation. You want this to be a sensual experience from start to finish, so get creative with how you set up this sexy gift. This includes how you present the idea to your partner. Only you know if telling them ahead of time is preferable to a surprise (or vice versa), but whichever it is, you want to make sure they know that you're just as excited as they are to make this happen for them. 

We've already suggested a few things for ambiance—setting up your bed or massage table, choosing the right lotion or oil, and ensuring that there are sexy fragrances in the air.

And you also want some sort of ambient sound, whether it's relaxing music or a massage soundscape playlist. This will not only make this experience feel more like a real massage, it will also take the pressure off of either of you to talk if you don't want to.

Make sure it's not too cold or too hot in your room or massage space. And one last thing, take a shower before the deed so that you are also nice and fresh for them. If you can, ask them to do the same. You'll likely be touching their feet before their privates, so you want everything clean if you have the option.

## How to give an erotic massage: the basics

Now that you've got all the details covered for supplies and set up, let's dive into the actual act of sensual massage. We're talking massage techniques, even if you've never given a real massage before. 

### Listen for feedback (even a grunt)

First things first: Your partner might be lying down and receiving a massage, but (just like in sex) communication is a two-way street when it comes to massage. You might start by asking if they have a particular area they want you to focus on. If they say yes, that doesn't mean you have to zero in on that spot right away but keep it in mind as you make your way across your partner's body. 

Pay attention to their body language as you go, and linger in places that they seem to enjoy. Encourage feedback, even if it's just in grunts and moans. 

### Use this massage technique to avoid cramping hands

Use your whole body for this experience. If you've ever had an incredible body massage—one where you feel like butter at the end (in the best possible way)—you might have noticed that the therapist used more than just their hands to dig deep into your tissues. 

There were likely some forearm blades, some elbows, and to generate enough force, they were using their whole body to power those body parts. They did that by setting their massage table at a height that allowed them to power with their legs as they stood beside you. 

So to do that on your bed, you might need to straddle your partner, at least some of the time. Remember, if you're not a trained massage pro, your hands could get tired really quickly, which might be a bummer when it's time for the happy ending.

### Follow this step-by-step routine

You'll be of two minds as you give this massage. On one hand, you're giving your partner a relaxing massage. On the other hand, this massage is a form of foreplay for some kind of happy ending. So you'll be simultaneously building tension and relaxation. Kinda paradoxical, but we know you can manage. 

Start with your partner face down and move from top to bottom. Give a gentle scalp massage, moving your fingers through your partner's hair and applying gentle pressure in slow, circular motions. Then move to the back. This is when you bring the oil or lotion in. (Skip the neck for now if you're on your bed, as your partner's head will be turned rather than face-down as it would be on a massage table. You can get to the neck when they go face-up.)

Begin with sweeping, long strokes down your partner's back, from top to bottom. Start with your hands, then switch to the blades of your forearms as you slowly apply more pressure and the muscles warm up. 

Think about where your partner holds tension (if you don't know, you can ask, or think about where you hold tension and apply that to your partner). Use your forefingers or elbows to focus on those areas. For most people who sit at a desk, shoulders and lower back are the tightest areas.

While your partner is face down, you have access to their butt, which can be both sexy and amazing for the massage. Butts and upper hamstrings can get super tight for both desk workers and those who stand up all day, so spend some time there, and begin gently teasing by slipping your hands into the crack a few times and kneading their inner thighs before turning them face-up. 

If your partner [loves ass play](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/what-does-anal-feel-like/), you can reverse the order of this massage and start face up so that the butt massage is at the end. You might bring the sex pillow in here to raise their butt higher into the air for easier access.

## Finish the job

Once you have your partner face-up, the massage isn't over. Remember, this is a full body massage before the happy ending, with some light touch and gentle teasing throughout. You'll want to pay attention to arms and legs, neck, and chest, lingering on knots and tighter areas and listening to your partner's feedback. 

But begin by grazing your partner's [erogenous zones](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/) with some gentle touch as you continue your massage. At this point, you might notice that their body language starts responding to your touch a little differently. A possible tremor? A thrust of the hip? 

Notice, and slowly respond. If your partner has a vulva, delay touching the clitoris for as long as possible. If your partner has a penis, touch all around it and delay actual contact for as long as possible. 

The best sex has anticipation as a component, so build that up as much as you can, even if this happy ending will only involve your hands or [mouth](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/oral-sex-positions/). Once you've teased for long enough, you can start stroking your partner's genitals. Again, keep this slow and sensual. Don't rush it until they seem ready for speed, and then get ready for the big O.

## What are you waiting for?

So what do you think? Do you know how to give an erotic massage? We think you're ready—you know what you need, how to set up your space, and how to give a great massage. But just in case you need a little more inspiration, head over to the Dipsea app and listen to [Head, Neck, and Back Massage](), and [Hand Massage](). An expert massage therapist will walk you through the experience step by step.

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=massageblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

<div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/partner-massage-i?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=massageblog">
    <img src="//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/53qRErM84SXl6wwVhhgyzD/ebefc62c04f42ef2674f0ea9ee220ad3/500-286_Guided_Massage_Part_1_IonutRadulescu-fs8__1_.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Partner Massage I</p>
  </a>
</div>

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/partner-massage-ii/listen?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=massageblog">
    <img src="//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/5DK0Jhog9V8wNR0losaXYv/2147468c35451a52f2303d76bf52b1cf/500-287_Guided_Massage_Part_2_IonutRadulescu-fs8.pn?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Partner Massage II</p>
  </a>
</div>

</div>
</div>

Giving an erotic massage is a generous and thoughtful way to help your partner relax and release. It's a sexy act of service (that covers two [Love Languages](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/physical-touch-love-language/) at once!). The key is to make both parts of the equation work—the erotic *and* the massage. You don't want to skimp on the massage and go straight for the sexy bits too soon. Take your time, make it count, and give your partner a genuine chance to unwind and release some tension before the happy ending.

We're not saying you need to go to massage school before offering to lather up your lover, but we do have a few suggestions for how to make the entire experience as pleasurable as possible for your lucky partner. We'll go over what supplies you'll need, the basics for how to set the mood, and ultimately, how to give an erotic massage that will blow your partner's mind. 

## What you need for an erotic massage

Our suggestions here are to maximize the experience. We don't want you to break the bank buying a bunch of supplies for your erotic massage, so we'll make suggestions at a range of price points so you can choose what's right for you. 

### 1) The massage surface

In an ideal world, you'd have a sturdy massage table (just in case you both end up on it at the end), but we know that might be a lot to ask, especially if you don't have a ton of extra space at home. So instead, you can use your bed. Just take a few extra steps so you don't ruin your sheets with massage oil. (That wouldn’t be relaxing for anyone.)

Lay down a few towels with a sheet on top that you don't mind getting oil on. You might also use a sheet for laying on top of the body parts you're not working on (just like a real massage therapist would) so that your partner doesn't get cold.

If you don't have that stuff at home, consider a quick trip to the thrift store, and wash everything thoroughly before you proceed so that it's all clean and smells fresh. Your partner will be laying on it naked, and every detail counts here to maximize the experience. Nothing says turn off like a gross smell.

### 2) The massage medium

Some people like oil, some people like lotion. That part is up to you, but again, smell is key. If your partner is allergic or sensitive to fragrance in body products, we suggest going with a neutral oil instead of lotion, as some fragrance-free lotions still have a smell that isn't always sexy. 

And when we say neutral, we mean you could literally go into your kitchen and grab your avocado oil if you want. If your partner doesn't mind coconut, coconut oil is also a great choice.

Your goal with the massage medium is that it stays smooth and slippery, doesn't get sticky, and has a nice glide to it to help you work. This isn't a lube, it's for a good massage, so pick something you think a masseuse would use. 

### 3) The extras

You have room to play with the additional details for this experience. If you want to burn an aromatherapy scented candle (or use a massage candle for the massage medium or temperature play), go for it. If you want to diffuse a relaxing or sexy essential oil into the room, perfect. If you want to include your [sex pillow](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-pillow/) to bolster different body parts during the massage, you can do that. If you and your partner have a special toy or vibrator you want to include toward the end of the massage, hide that somewhere until the end so you have it on hand. Or if you have a sexy outfit you want to wear under your "masseuse clothes," that could be a fun surprise too!

## How to set the mood for your erotic massage

A huge detail in how to give an erotic massage is setting the mood for maximum comfort and relaxation. You want this to be a sensual experience from start to finish, so get creative with how you set up this sexy gift. This includes how you present the idea to your partner. Only you know if telling them ahead of time is preferable to a surprise (or vice versa), but whichever it is, you want to make sure they know that you're just as excited as they are to make this happen for them. 

We've already suggested a few things for ambiance—setting up your bed or massage table, choosing the right lotion or oil, and ensuring that there are sexy fragrances in the air.

And you also want some sort of ambient sound, whether it's relaxing music or a massage soundscape playlist. This will not only make this experience feel more like a real massage, it will also take the pressure off of either of you to talk if you don't want to.

Make sure it's not too cold or too hot in your room or massage space. And one last thing, take a shower before the deed so that you are also nice and fresh for them. If you can, ask them to do the same. You'll likely be touching their feet before their privates, so you want everything clean if you have the option.

## How to give an erotic massage: the basics

Now that you've got all the details covered for supplies and set up, let's dive into the actual act of sensual massage. We're talking massage techniques, even if you've never given a real massage before. 

### Listen for feedback (even a grunt)

First things first: Your partner might be lying down and receiving a massage, but (just like in sex) communication is a two-way street when it comes to massage. You might start by asking if they have a particular area they want you to focus on. If they say yes, that doesn't mean you have to zero in on that spot right away but keep it in mind as you make your way across your partner's body. 

Pay attention to their body language as you go, and linger in places that they seem to enjoy. Encourage feedback, even if it's just in grunts and moans. 

### Use this massage technique to avoid cramping hands

Use your whole body for this experience. If you've ever had an incredible body massage—one where you feel like butter at the end (in the best possible way)—you might have noticed that the therapist used more than just their hands to dig deep into your tissues. 

There were likely some forearm blades, some elbows, and to generate enough force, they were using their whole body to power those body parts. They did that by setting their massage table at a height that allowed them to power with their legs as they stood beside you. 

So to do that on your bed, you might need to straddle your partner, at least some of the time. Remember, if you're not a trained massage pro, your hands could get tired really quickly, which might be a bummer when it's time for the happy ending.

### Follow this step-by-step routine

You'll be of two minds as you give this massage. On one hand, you're giving your partner a relaxing massage. On the other hand, this massage is a form of foreplay for some kind of happy ending. So you'll be simultaneously building tension and relaxation. Kinda paradoxical, but we know you can manage. 

Start with your partner face down and move from top to bottom. Give a gentle scalp massage, moving your fingers through your partner's hair and applying gentle pressure in slow, circular motions. Then move to the back. This is when you bring the oil or lotion in. (Skip the neck for now if you're on your bed, as your partner's head will be turned rather than face-down as it would be on a massage table. You can get to the neck when they go face-up.)

Begin with sweeping, long strokes down your partner's back, from top to bottom. Start with your hands, then switch to the blades of your forearms as you slowly apply more pressure and the muscles warm up. 

Think about where your partner holds tension (if you don't know, you can ask, or think about where you hold tension and apply that to your partner). Use your forefingers or elbows to focus on those areas. For most people who sit at a desk, shoulders and lower back are the tightest areas.

While your partner is face down, you have access to their butt, which can be both sexy and amazing for the massage. Butts and upper hamstrings can get super tight for both desk workers and those who stand up all day, so spend some time there, and begin gently teasing by slipping your hands into the crack a few times and kneading their inner thighs before turning them face-up. 

If your partner [loves ass play](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/what-does-anal-feel-like/), you can reverse the order of this massage and start face up so that the butt massage is at the end. You might bring the sex pillow in here to raise their butt higher into the air for easier access.

## Finish the job

Once you have your partner face-up, the massage isn't over. Remember, this is a full body massage before the happy ending, with some light touch and gentle teasing throughout. You'll want to pay attention to arms and legs, neck, and chest, lingering on knots and tighter areas and listening to your partner's feedback. 

But begin by grazing your partner's [erogenous zones](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/) with some gentle touch as you continue your massage. At this point, you might notice that their body language starts responding to your touch a little differently. A possible tremor? A thrust of the hip? 

Notice, and slowly respond. If your partner has a vulva, delay touching the clitoris for as long as possible. If your partner has a penis, touch all around it and delay actual contact for as long as possible. 

The best sex has anticipation as a component, so build that up as much as you can, even if this happy ending will only involve your hands or [mouth](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/oral-sex-positions/). Once you've teased for long enough, you can start stroking your partner's genitals. Again, keep this slow and sensual. Don't rush it until they seem ready for speed, and then get ready for the big O.

## What are you waiting for?

So what do you think? Do you know how to give an erotic massage? We think you're ready—you know what you need, how to set up your space, and how to give a great massage. But just in case you need a little more inspiration, head over to the Dipsea app and listen to [Head, Neck, and Back Massage](), and [Hand Massage](). An expert massage therapist will walk you through the experience step by step.

Ready to learn how to give an erotic massage that’s so good your partner feels like they hired a professional masseuse? Learn everything you need to know here.

Sexy (yet practical) tips for how to give an erotic massage

Massage (1)

Looking to connect with your partner in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Looking to connect with your partner in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=spankingblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

Spanking is common in mainstream conversations about people embracing a sex-positive view of kink and fetish play. However, proper BDSM spanking involves more than just a slap on the behind during doggy-style sex. 

BDSM spanking involves one person as a dominant or top and the other as a submissive or bottom. In BDSM, there is a [consensual power dynamic](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6525106/) between the individuals that both find arousing. Spanking can involve using a hand, a paddle, a whip, or other flogging device. BDSM spanking may be gentle or hard enough to leave marks. 

If you're curious about BDSM spanking, or if you've tried a bit and want more (and who could blame you), you may be looking for more ways to include this practice in your partnered playtime. Read on for a comprehensive guide to arm you and your partner(s) with the knowledge you need to incorporate BDSM spanking into your sex life. 

## What is BDSM spanking?

BDSM is a sexual practice that [involves a power dynamic](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/a-beginners-guide-to-submission/). Generally, BDSM relationships include some or all of the following:

- Bondage: BDSM bondage involves restricting movement with ropes, handcuffs, or even chains. 
- Discipline: Doms will use physical (BDSM spankings) and verbal (name-calling or praise) discipline to reinforce behavior.
- Dominance and submission: Sometimes, one partner is always the dom, and one is always the sub, and sometimes couples switch back and forth. 
- Sadomasochism: Pleasure from inflicting or receiving physical or emotional pain (with consent).

BDSM relationships vary from those who dabble in the lifestyle to hardcore BDSM followers. All BDSM relationships have in common reliance on consent, communication, and safety. 

BDSM is not about turning someone into your sex slave (but it can be). Instead, partners agree to role play in ways that include dressing in lingerie, forced orgasms, orgasm denial, or restraints. BDSM spankings are one way they may choose to play. The consensual power dynamic makes a BDSM spanking different from your partner swatting your behind during sex. 

## Why do people enjoy spanking? 

Some people enjoy BDSM spanking because it releases dopamine and causes their brain's pleasure center to catch fire. But, other people just find spanking to be painful. So, what makes BDSM spanking erotic for those who enjoy it? 

Endorphins are released in the brain when you feel pleasure and they can even dull pain. These hormones explain why some people associate spanking with pleasure. BDSM spankings can be included as foreplay, used during penetrative sex, or be the main event all by themselves. Many people who enjoy BDSM spankings say that the pain heightens all other sensations and makes their sexual experience hotter. 

## Myths about spanking

There used to be a stigma that classified people into BDSM or kink as deviants. That view of the BDSM community is a huge misconception. People who are into role play, dominance, submission, bondage, BDSM spankings, or any other kinky sexual behavior aren't deviant—they just like kinky sex. Let's clarify a few myths about BDSM spankings.

### Myth #1: Spankings leave bruises

Some people into hard spankings find pain pleasurable, especially if they're into masochism, and may enjoy spankings that are hard enough to leave marks or bruises. Since pleasure reduces our body's pain response, it's possible a flogging hard enough to leave marks may not feel exceedingly painful to the recipient. 

Because BDSM involves informed, enthusiastic consent, a submissive may ask for or agree to a series of spankings designed to leave a mark. A dominant may use belt spankings or paddling, providing more force than a bare hand. 

However, plenty of people are into ass spanking that is gentle and never leaves a mark. Moreover, learning to administer proper BDSM spanking techniques will ensure that a dominant doesn't leave marks without consent. 

### Myth #2: Spanking is always punishment

Some people who enjoy BDSM use spankings as a form of (consensual) punishment. But that isn't always the case. Depending on the scene partners are engaged in, BDSM spanking is all about the pleasure of the submissive.

### Myth #3: You can't hurt someone with erotic spankings

Impact play is acceptable on specific body areas, but other areas can cause mild or severe injury. It's also possible that the person administering the BDSM spanking could hurt their hand or arm if they don’t use proper techniques. BDSM spanking classes offered at BDSM clubs and local sex toy shops spend a lot of time focusing on technique so that all partners can play safely and avoid injury. 

### Myth #4: Submissives are usually women

Female dominants, or femdoms, are just as common in the BDSM world as male dominants, not just in lesbian BDSM relationships. BDSM pairings exist in relationships of all genders and orientations. Some people are switches, meaning they alternate between the two with their partner(s). 

## Types of BDSM spankings

Impact play varies in type and intensity. Here is a (non-exhaustive) list of the kinds of BDSM spankings popular in the kink community, with a quick definition to help you [discuss them with your partner(s)](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-precare-foreplay-aftercare/):

- Ass spanking: This is typically an open palm against the bare (or partially bare) butt. This type of spanking can occur during penetrative sex or foreplay. Many people enjoy an over the knee or OTK spanking. 
- Belt spankings: BDSM spankings administered with a belt. 
- Paddling: This involves using a paddle made of wood, plastic, or even metal. Paddles come in a variety of shapes for different sensations. Some BDSM paddles for hardcore spankings have designs carved to leave a mark on the receiver’s behind. 
- Flogging: BDSM spanking where the dominant uses a whip. Some gentle cloth whips won't leave a mark, but many prefer the sting of leather or even chains. 
- Pussy spanking: Many vulva-owners enjoy having their genitals slapped with a hand or toy. This area is sensitive so go easy. 
- Caning: Hitting someone with a cane or stick. The cane is typically flexible since the point is to straddle the line between pleasure and pain rather than inflict actual injury. 

## Learn the right way to give or receive a BDSM spanking

As with any component of BDSM, spanking requires absolute trust between the dominant and submissive. However, that doesn't mean you can only incorporate BDSM into a committed relationship. 

Plenty of people involved in BDSM do so [with a casual partner](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-make-casual-sex-meaningful/) who excels at communicating about sex. The important thing is to openly discuss soft and hard limits surrounding BDSM spanking and know the person you're with will stop as soon as you need.

### Start gentle

If you're curious about BDSM spanking, be sure to start slowly. Alternating gentle rubbing of a submissive's butt with light slaps is a kinky addition to fingering or other foreplay. 

Once you've explored using just a bare hand, you may wish to add some sex toys designed for spanking. Paddles are popular, as are riding crops, floggers, and canes. Like with a hand, it's essential to start slowly each time you introduce a new spanking device. 

### Know which areas of the body are safe to hit and which to avoid

Soft impact play in the face, breasts, genitals, lower legs, or feet is usually safe. However, hardcore BDSM spanking should only be used on areas of the body with lots of muscle or fat to protect your internal organs. Your butt, hips, and upper thighs are good places to practice spanking. 

It's vital to avoid the back and abdomen areas because you could injure a person's kidneys or other internal organs. Joints such as elbows, knees, and the bony regions like your tailbone and spine can sustain severe injuries from BDSM spankings. 

## How to introduce erotic spanking in your relationship

OK, you're ready to ask your partner to enter into a deeper level of trust with you and explore BDSM spanking together. While knowing what types of spanking you want to try and how to explore safely is essential, it can still be challenging to communicate about it. 

Sure, you could show your partner a BDSM compilation of free porn full of cumshots and slave girls on a webcam, but that's not going to help them understand what you need. As with any sexual exploration, communication is vital for BDSM spankings. 

When you bring up spanking is entirely up to you, but initiating the conversation outside of sexual activity ensures everyone has a clear head to discuss needs and wants. Try playing a game where you and a partner sort cards with sex acts such as BDSM spankings, fisting, making an erotic video, blowjobs, [mutual masturbation](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/mutual-masturbation/), or threesomes into three piles: things you'd like to try, things you don't want to try, and things you're curious about. 

This game can spark a conversation that's sure to spice things up and can help you explain to your partner what it is about spanking that turns you on. 

Alternatively, you can introduce the idea as [dirty talk during sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/dirty-talk-consent/) so you aren't breaking the mood. Try saying something like, "Can I slap your ass while I use your vibrator on you?" It's essential to check in with your partner during sex because consenting once doesn't mean they want more and more. Try saying "Do you like that?" or "Do you want more?" after a gentle slap. 

## Tap into your fantasy

Maybe BDSM spanking is still just a fantasy for you, or perhaps you're looking for something to remind you of that one time her hand connected with your backside while you were straddling her. In that case, allow Dipsea to help. 

Listen to Leaving a Mark, where a professor punishes a student (when she asks nicely). If lesbian BDSM is more your speed, try Hooked II, where Eve obliges when Kelly begs to have it harder.

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=spankingblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

<div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/leaving-a-mark?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=getinthemoodblog">
    <img src="//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/2yYes2dRgtifexNzxFWvja/840eb628f935596d5430bd36ab49ed94/500-520_Confessions_Professor-min.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Leaving a Mark</p>
  </a>
</div>

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/hooked-ii/listen?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=getinthemoodblog">
    <img src="//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/6lHtgbuEmwISV8NMInq3Hi/5ba0bb93c0d832b1b46428a35f662ebb/500-341_Hooked2_Gabby-fs8.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Hooked II</p>
  </a>
</div>

</div>
</div>

Spanking is common in mainstream conversations about people embracing a sex-positive view of kink and fetish play. However, proper BDSM spanking involves more than just a slap on the behind during doggy-style sex. 

BDSM spanking involves one person as a dominant or top and the other as a submissive or bottom. In BDSM, there is a [consensual power dynamic](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6525106/) between the individuals that both find arousing. Spanking can involve using a hand, a paddle, a whip, or other flogging device. BDSM spanking may be gentle or hard enough to leave marks. 

If you're curious about BDSM spanking, or if you've tried a bit and want more (and who could blame you), you may be looking for more ways to include this practice in your partnered playtime. Read on for a comprehensive guide to arm you and your partner(s) with the knowledge you need to incorporate BDSM spanking into your sex life. 

## What is BDSM spanking?

BDSM is a sexual practice that [involves a power dynamic](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/a-beginners-guide-to-submission/). Generally, BDSM relationships include some or all of the following:

- Bondage: BDSM bondage involves restricting movement with ropes, handcuffs, or even chains. 
- Discipline: Doms will use physical (BDSM spankings) and verbal (name-calling or praise) discipline to reinforce behavior.
- Dominance and submission: Sometimes, one partner is always the dom, and one is always the sub, and sometimes couples switch back and forth. 
- Sadomasochism: Pleasure from inflicting or receiving physical or emotional pain (with consent).

BDSM relationships vary from those who dabble in the lifestyle to hardcore BDSM followers. All BDSM relationships have in common reliance on consent, communication, and safety. 

BDSM is not about turning someone into your sex slave (but it can be). Instead, partners agree to role play in ways that include dressing in lingerie, forced orgasms, orgasm denial, or restraints. BDSM spankings are one way they may choose to play. The consensual power dynamic makes a BDSM spanking different from your partner swatting your behind during sex. 

## Why do people enjoy spanking? 

Some people enjoy BDSM spanking because it releases dopamine and causes their brain's pleasure center to catch fire. But, other people just find spanking to be painful. So, what makes BDSM spanking erotic for those who enjoy it? 

Endorphins are released in the brain when you feel pleasure and they can even dull pain. These hormones explain why some people associate spanking with pleasure. BDSM spankings can be included as foreplay, used during penetrative sex, or be the main event all by themselves. Many people who enjoy BDSM spankings say that the pain heightens all other sensations and makes their sexual experience hotter. 

## Myths about spanking

There used to be a stigma that classified people into BDSM or kink as deviants. That view of the BDSM community is a huge misconception. People who are into role play, dominance, submission, bondage, BDSM spankings, or any other kinky sexual behavior aren't deviant—they just like kinky sex. Let's clarify a few myths about BDSM spankings.


### Myth #1: Spankings leave bruises

Some people into hard spankings find pain pleasurable, especially if they're into masochism, and may enjoy spankings that are hard enough to leave marks or bruises. Since pleasure reduces our body's pain response, it's possible a flogging hard enough to leave marks may not feel exceedingly painful to the recipient. 

Because BDSM involves informed, enthusiastic consent, a submissive may ask for or agree to a series of spankings designed to leave a mark. A dominant may use belt spankings or paddling, providing more force than a bare hand. 

However, plenty of people are into ass spanking that is gentle and never leaves a mark. Moreover, learning to administer proper BDSM spanking techniques will ensure that a dominant doesn't leave marks without consent. 

### Myth #2: Spanking is always punishment

Some people who enjoy BDSM use spankings as a form of (consensual) punishment. But that isn't always the case. Depending on the scene partners are engaged in, BDSM spanking is all about the pleasure of the submissive.

### Myth #3: You can't hurt someone with erotic spankings

Impact play is acceptable on specific body areas, but other areas can cause mild or severe injury. It's also possible that the person administering the BDSM spanking could hurt their hand or arm if they don’t use proper techniques. BDSM spanking classes offered at BDSM clubs and local sex toy shops spend a lot of time focusing on technique so that all partners can play safely and avoid injury. 

### Myth #4: Submissives are usually women

Female dominants, or femdoms, are just as common in the BDSM world as male dominants, not just in lesbian BDSM relationships. BDSM pairings exist in relationships of all genders and orientations. Some people are switches, meaning they alternate between the two with their partner(s). 

## Types of BDSM spankings

Impact play varies in type and intensity. Here is a (non-exhaustive) list of the kinds of BDSM spankings popular in the kink community, with a quick definition to help you [discuss them with your partner(s)](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-precare-foreplay-aftercare/):

- Ass spanking: This is typically an open palm against the bare (or partially bare) butt. This type of spanking can occur during penetrative sex or foreplay. Many people enjoy an over the knee or OTK spanking. 
- Belt spankings: BDSM spankings administered with a belt. 
- Paddling: This involves using a paddle made of wood, plastic, or even metal. Paddles come in a variety of shapes for different sensations. Some BDSM paddles for hardcore spankings have designs carved to leave a mark on the receiver’s behind. 
- Flogging: BDSM spanking where the dominant uses a whip. Some gentle cloth whips won't leave a mark, but many prefer the sting of leather or even chains. 
- Pussy spanking: Many vulva-owners enjoy having their genitals slapped with a hand or toy. This area is sensitive so go easy. 
- Caning: Hitting someone with a cane or stick. The cane is typically flexible since the point is to straddle the line between pleasure and pain rather than inflict actual injury. 

## Learn the right way to give or receive a BDSM spanking

As with any component of BDSM, spanking requires absolute trust between the dominant and submissive. However, that doesn't mean you can only incorporate BDSM into a committed relationship. 

Plenty of people involved in BDSM do so [with a casual partner](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-make-casual-sex-meaningful/) who excels at communicating about sex. The important thing is to openly discuss soft and hard limits surrounding BDSM spanking and know the person you're with will stop as soon as you need.

### Start gentle

If you're curious about BDSM spanking, be sure to start slowly. Alternating gentle rubbing of a submissive's butt with light slaps is a kinky addition to fingering or other foreplay. 

Once you've explored using just a bare hand, you may wish to add some sex toys designed for spanking. Paddles are popular, as are riding crops, floggers, and canes. Like with a hand, it's essential to start slowly each time you introduce a new spanking device. 

### Know which areas of the body are safe to hit and which to avoid

Soft impact play in the face, breasts, genitals, lower legs, or feet is usually safe. However, hardcore BDSM spanking should only be used on areas of the body with lots of muscle or fat to protect your internal organs. Your butt, hips, and upper thighs are good places to practice spanking. 

It's vital to avoid the back and abdomen areas because you could injure a person's kidneys or other internal organs. Joints such as elbows, knees, and the bony regions like your tailbone and spine can sustain severe injuries from BDSM spankings. 

## How to introduce erotic spanking in your relationship

OK, you're ready to ask your partner to enter into a deeper level of trust with you and explore BDSM spanking together. While knowing what types of spanking you want to try and how to explore safely is essential, it can still be challenging to communicate about it. 

Sure, you could show your partner a BDSM compilation of free porn full of cumshots and slave girls on a webcam, but that's not going to help them understand what you need. As with any sexual exploration, communication is vital for BDSM spankings. 

When you bring up spanking is entirely up to you, but initiating the conversation outside of sexual activity ensures everyone has a clear head to discuss needs and wants. Try playing a game where you and a partner sort cards with sex acts such as BDSM spankings, fisting, making an erotic video, blowjobs, [mutual masturbation](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/mutual-masturbation/), or threesomes into three piles: things you'd like to try, things you don't want to try, and things you're curious about. 

This game can spark a conversation that's sure to spice things up and can help you explain to your partner what it is about spanking that turns you on. 

Alternatively, you can introduce the idea as [dirty talk during sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/dirty-talk-consent/) so you aren't breaking the mood. Try saying something like, "Can I slap your ass while I use your vibrator on you?" It's essential to check in with your partner during sex because consenting once doesn't mean they want more and more. Try saying "Do you like that?" or "Do you want more?" after a gentle slap. 

## Tap into your fantasy

Maybe BDSM spanking is still just a fantasy for you, or perhaps you're looking for something to remind you of that one time her hand connected with your backside while you were straddling her. In that case, allow Dipsea to help. 

Listen to Leaving a Mark, where a professor punishes a student (when she asks nicely). If lesbian BDSM is more your speed, try Hooked II, where Eve obliges when Kelly begs to have it harder.

Try your hand at BDSM spanking with these ideas for consensually getting started with a partner. We’ll also dispel four common myths about spanking!

BDSM spanking: A beginner’s guide to safe, sexy spanking

Spanking

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Looking to connect with your partner in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=getinthemoodblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

Feeling tired? Anxious about a work deadline? Overwhelmed by, well, everything going on in the world? These feelings can all represent some pretty major obstacles for getting in the headspace for sex. Sometimes, after a long day, lounging in front of the TV and turning off your brain feels like the only thing you're capable of, which is fine! But if your relationship is suffering because of a stalled sex life, you’re probably wanting to figure out how to get in the mood when you’re just not.

We understand. Life can get in the way, but most (not all!) romantic relationships require a sexual or erotic component to last for the long haul. Just like feeling seen and understood can bring you closer to your partner(s) emotionally, feeling sexy and desired can bring you closer sexually. So let's figure out what turns you on, what turns you off, and how to get in the mood for sex with your long-term partner.

*Note: There is no pressure to have sex when you don’t feel like it. These tips are geared toward people who have a desire to have more desire, but we encourage you to communicate where you’re at with your partner(s) and focus on other areas of intimacy if you don’t want to have sex.*

## Awakening sexual desire

Sexual desire is both a body and mind experience. It's not just relegated to your genitals. If you've ever tried masturbating while exhausted and fallen asleep midway through, then you know exactly what we mean (and you’re not alone!). Or perhaps your partner is trying to get you going, but you simply can't turn your mind off, no matter what they're doing to try to help. 

How you feel in your body throughout the day, your stress levels, your mental health in general, how much free time you have, [anxiety around intimacy](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/fear-of-intimacy/), your self-care routine—all of this can have an impact on your sex life and your ability to get in the mood. 

You might also feel like the mystery and excitement are gone after 2+ years of a pandemic that dramatically curtailed your social life and put the two (or three, or four) of you next to each other in a small space for far too long. To reawaken sexual desire, look inward, make sexual connection a priority, and come up with a plan of action.

### Self-care and personal wellness

A great place to start in this process is looking inward and determining what you can do as an individual to turn up the heat. As we already mentioned, self-care and a healthy mindset are both important components to finding sexual desire. Before you make time for your partner, make sure you have a little bit of time for yourself. 

This could look like any number of things: a hot shower, meditation, going for a walk, playing with your dog, calling a friend for a good laugh. This part is about you. Don't look to your partner to fulfill your self-care needs. Think about coming to the table with desire, not need, to get out of a rut.

### Examine your patterns and routines

Next, start paying attention to your habits during your free time. If you have a 9-to-5 job, what do you do at the end of the day? What can you do differently to prime yourself for a steamy evening with your partner? 

If turning on the TV after work means you'll be too engrossed in your shows to have sex before bed, consider reconfiguring your evening. Focus on each other first—turn on your partner before turning on the television, and then you'll have plenty of time to cuddle on the couch afterward for a relaxing evening together.

If you notice that you're way too full after dinner to even think about being touched, consider some pre-dinner foreplay. Sparking something between you before dinner could put you in the mood for a different kind of dessert.

Maybe you've noticed that when you masturbate to completion during the day (or the night before), you remove the need to get off with your partner later on. Consider using your vibrator or hands/fingers just to wake up your genitals, rather than to get you all the way to climax, and save the big finish for partnered playtime.

If you're a physically oriented person, you might find that light exercise can get your juices flowing. It might not seem intuitive, but exercising actually gives you energy. Unless you're doing super long, hardcore workouts that sap everything you have left, exercising could be a form of self-care that [helps improve your sex drive](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexercise/). 

This part of the process is all about noticing what turns you on and what turns you off. Talk to your partner about what you learn, and ask them what they've learned about themselves, this isn’t just one sided. These realizations can be your jumping-off point for how to get in the mood together.

### Dispel the myth

Now that you've perceived some patterns, it's time to put your learnings into action. Let's start by dispelling the myth that scheduling sex isn't sexy. 

Chances are, you're busy and your partner is too. You probably both use some sort of calendar or planner to keep your obligations straight. You probably schedule meetings, routine doctor's appointments, or lunch dates with friends. And you do that because all of that stuff is important. 

__So is your sex life!__

As adults, life comes at you all the time, from every direction. So instead of planning every other aspect of your life and leaving sex to chance, why not make your love life as important as your work life or social life? 

Schedule date nights as often as makes sense for your life. They don't have to be on the same day every week or month, but if that works for you, do it. Give yourself some lead time, and come up with some fun ways to spend time together for each one. Or you can take turns planning dates, whatever works for you.

This scheduling suggestion might feel sterile to you at first, but it can improve your chances of getting in the mood. The lead-up to and anticipation of the date can actually enhance the whole experience. Research shows this to be true of vacations—the planning and looking forward to a vacation can be [as fun or more fun than the vacation itself](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-make-the-most-of-vacation_n_5755b42ae4b0eb20fa0e906d). Use your date on the calendar as something to look forward to together, something to talk about together and get excited about together.

## How to get in the mood for sex

Now that we've addressed some of the practical ways to make sex a priority, let's talk about some fun stuff. There's no one-size-fits-all solution for how to get in the mood for sex, but there are certainly a lot of fun ideas to choose from. 

### Secret schedule

If you find that your partner is always ready to go when you are (and your main problem is getting yourself ready), then you could take the whole scheduling thing in a different direction. Pick a day each week that will be *the day*, and don't tell your partner. Simply prepare yourself mentally and physically for that day. This way, you can be empowered to make the first move or be primed to be receptive to their first move. This is a super sexy way to [manage mismatched sex drives](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/navigating-mismatched-desire/).

### Sexting

Another way to prime the pump is to start your date night long before you're out on the town. [Start sexting your partner](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-take-better-nudes/) midday to get them and yourself even more excited for the night ahead. This works even if you don't plan to go anywhere, as it builds up the tension and creates excitement and anticipation for when it's time to get down. [Dirty talk](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/dirty-talk-consent/) can be an incredible aphrodisiac. 

### Change it up

If you and your partner usually strip down to the buff to have sex, change it up by wearing lingerie and keeping some of your private parts covered. Sometimes increasing mystery or providing suggestive images rather than explicit ones can be incredibly hot. Or, if you're into some rougher play, wear some undies you don't mind getting ripped or stretched and get your partner to work around them to get to the goods.

You might also consider trying new [sex positions](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/new-names-for-classic-sex-positions/) or [oral sex positions](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/oral-sex-positions/). It's easy to fall into a sexual routine with a long-term partner—you know what they like, they know what you like, so you both just race to the finish line. Slow it down, try something new, bring in a new sex toy, try using lube, or experiment with a [sex pillow](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-pillow/). 

### Set the scene

Sex scenes in the movies are usually so over-the-top, with two people aggressively sucking face as they slam their way through a house to get to the bedroom. [This YouTube parody](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLVUC5A5CZg) pretty much nails it. But that's not real life—can you imagine wrecking your house to get to your bedroom and not being distracted? Neither can we, especially for long-term partners. 

Instead, set yourself up for success by setting a romantic vibe with low light, soft sheets, a scented candle, and a [playlist of sexy tunes](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/summer-bedroom-jams/). Consider laying a towel down and introducing massage oil or lotion. Start the night by giving each other sensual massages. Or give one person the role of pamperer while the other receives the pampering for the evening. 

### Introduce erotic stories

Audio erotica can be a key ingredient for getting in the mood. Rather than falling down the various porn rabbit holes—which might take attention away from your partner—[listening to erotica](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-short-stories/) can allow you to stay engaged visually with each other while still enjoying the stimulation of the story. A sexy story in which [two or more people have sex](https://app.dipseastories.com/categories/group-stories-category) can also feel like a fun way to explore group sex or other non-monogamous scenarios as a fantasy. 

## Grab your planner: It's time to make this happen

Now that you've learned how to get in the mood, it's time to ... well, get in the mood. You know that some dedicated self-care time can help you get there, whether that's exercise, a nap, a massage, or something else. You know that you need to take a look at your routines and patterns and figure out which obstacles you can remove. And you know that you need to have a plan (whether explicit or covert) to make sexual connection happen. 

To help you get in the mood, try listening to On the Apps, Part V or My Partner's Partner II.

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=getinthemoodblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

<div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/on-the-apps-v?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=getinthemoodblog">
    <img src="//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/6O2UBSE7ZRnluGdAsLD1fg/e4f6a8aff979efc862beeab70ea133e4/500-521_OntheAppsV_JosephineRais-min.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">On the Apps V</p>
  </a>
</div>

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/my-partners-partner-ii?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=getinthemoodblog">
    <img src="//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/7ACSX9ckAmcDtwfvSHtbnr/e38dad5a3c2dfd893f138615c59f848c/500-531_MyPartnersPartnerII-min.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">My Partner's Partner II</p>
  </a>
</div>

</div>
</div>

Feeling tired? Anxious about a work deadline? Overwhelmed by, well, everything going on in the world? These feelings can all represent some pretty major obstacles for getting in the headspace for sex. Sometimes, after a long day, lounging in front of the TV and turning off your brain feels like the only thing you're capable of, which is fine! But if your relationship is suffering because of a stalled sex life, you’re probably wanting to figure out how to get in the mood when you’re just not.

We understand. Life can get in the way, but most (not all!) romantic relationships require a sexual or erotic component to last for the long haul. Just like feeling seen and understood can bring you closer to your partner(s) emotionally, feeling sexy and desired can bring you closer sexually. So let's figure out what turns you on, what turns you off, and how to get in the mood for sex with your long-term partner.

*Note: There is no pressure to have sex when you don’t feel like it. These tips are geared toward people who have a desire to have more desire, but we encourage you to communicate where you’re at with your partner(s) and focus on other areas of intimacy if you don’t want to have sex.*

## Awakening sexual desire

Sexual desire is both a body and mind experience. It's not just relegated to your genitals. If you've ever tried masturbating while exhausted and fallen asleep midway through, then you know exactly what we mean (and you’re not alone!). Or perhaps your partner is trying to get you going, but you simply can't turn your mind off, no matter what they're doing to try to help. 

How you feel in your body throughout the day, your stress levels, your mental health in general, how much free time you have, [anxiety around intimacy](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/fear-of-intimacy/), your self-care routine—all of this can have an impact on your sex life and your ability to get in the mood. 

You might also feel like the mystery and excitement are gone after 2+ years of a pandemic that dramatically curtailed your social life and put the two (or three, or four) of you next to each other in a small space for far too long. To reawaken sexual desire, look inward, make sexual connection a priority, and come up with a plan of action.

### Self-care and personal wellness

A great place to start in this process is looking inward and determining what you can do as an individual to turn up the heat. As we already mentioned, self-care and a healthy mindset are both important components to finding sexual desire. Before you make time for your partner, make sure you have a little bit of time for yourself. 

This could look like any number of things: a hot shower, meditation, going for a walk, playing with your dog, calling a friend for a good laugh. This part is about you. Don't look to your partner to fulfill your self-care needs. Think about coming to the table with desire, not need, to get out of a rut.

### Examine your patterns and routines

Next, start paying attention to your habits during your free time. If you have a 9-to-5 job, what do you do at the end of the day? What can you do differently to prime yourself for a steamy evening with your partner? 

If turning on the TV after work means you'll be too engrossed in your shows to have sex before bed, consider reconfiguring your evening. Focus on each other first—turn on your partner before turning on the television, and then you'll have plenty of time to cuddle on the couch afterward for a relaxing evening together.

If you notice that you're way too full after dinner to even think about being touched, consider some pre-dinner foreplay. Sparking something between you before dinner could put you in the mood for a different kind of dessert.

Maybe you've noticed that when you masturbate to completion during the day (or the night before), you remove the need to get off with your partner later on. Consider using your vibrator or hands/fingers just to wake up your genitals, rather than to get you all the way to climax, and save the big finish for partnered playtime.

If you're a physically oriented person, you might find that light exercise can get your juices flowing. It might not seem intuitive, but exercising actually gives you energy. Unless you're doing super long, hardcore workouts that sap everything you have left, exercising could be a form of self-care that [helps improve your sex drive](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexercise/). 

This part of the process is all about noticing what turns you on and what turns you off. Talk to your partner about what you learn, and ask them what they've learned about themselves, this isn’t just one sided. These realizations can be your jumping-off point for how to get in the mood together.

### Dispel the myth

Now that you've perceived some patterns, it's time to put your learnings into action. Let's start by dispelling the myth that scheduling sex isn't sexy. 

Chances are, you're busy and your partner is too. You probably both use some sort of calendar or planner to keep your obligations straight. You probably schedule meetings, routine doctor's appointments, or lunch dates with friends. And you do that because all of that stuff is important. 

__So is your sex life!__

As adults, life comes at you all the time, from every direction. So instead of planning every other aspect of your life and leaving sex to chance, why not make your love life as important as your work life or social life? 

Schedule date nights as often as makes sense for your life. They don't have to be on the same day every week or month, but if that works for you, do it. Give yourself some lead time, and come up with some fun ways to spend time together for each one. Or you can take turns planning dates, whatever works for you.

This scheduling suggestion might feel sterile to you at first, but it can improve your chances of getting in the mood. The lead-up to and anticipation of the date can actually enhance the whole experience. Research shows this to be true of vacations—the planning and looking forward to a vacation can be [as fun or more fun than the vacation itself](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-make-the-most-of-vacation_n_5755b42ae4b0eb20fa0e906d). Use your date on the calendar as something to look forward to together, something to talk about together and get excited about together.

## How to get in the mood for sex

Now that we've addressed some of the practical ways to make sex a priority, let's talk about some fun stuff. There's no one-size-fits-all solution for how to get in the mood for sex, but there are certainly a lot of fun ideas to choose from. 


### Secret schedule

If you find that your partner is always ready to go when you are (and your main problem is getting yourself ready), then you could take the whole scheduling thing in a different direction. Pick a day each week that will be *the day*, and don't tell your partner. Simply prepare yourself mentally and physically for that day. This way, you can be empowered to make the first move or be primed to be receptive to their first move. This is a super sexy way to [manage mismatched sex drives](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/navigating-mismatched-desire/).

### Sexting

Another way to prime the pump is to start your date night long before you're out on the town. [Start sexting your partner](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-take-better-nudes/) midday to get them and yourself even more excited for the night ahead. This works even if you don't plan to go anywhere, as it builds up the tension and creates excitement and anticipation for when it's time to get down. [Dirty talk](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/dirty-talk-consent/) can be an incredible aphrodisiac. 

### Change it up

If you and your partner usually strip down to the buff to have sex, change it up by wearing lingerie and keeping some of your private parts covered. Sometimes increasing mystery or providing suggestive images rather than explicit ones can be incredibly hot. Or, if you're into some rougher play, wear some undies you don't mind getting ripped or stretched and get your partner to work around them to get to the goods.

You might also consider trying new [sex positions](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/new-names-for-classic-sex-positions/) or [oral sex positions](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/oral-sex-positions/). It's easy to fall into a sexual routine with a long-term partner—you know what they like, they know what you like, so you both just race to the finish line. Slow it down, try something new, bring in a new sex toy, try using lube, or experiment with a [sex pillow](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-pillow/). 

### Set the scene

Sex scenes in the movies are usually so over-the-top, with two people aggressively sucking face as they slam their way through a house to get to the bedroom. [This YouTube parody](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLVUC5A5CZg) pretty much nails it. But that's not real life—can you imagine wrecking your house to get to your bedroom and not being distracted? Neither can we, especially for long-term partners. 

Instead, set yourself up for success by setting a romantic vibe with low light, soft sheets, a scented candle, and a [playlist of sexy tunes](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/summer-bedroom-jams/). Consider laying a towel down and introducing massage oil or lotion. Start the night by giving each other sensual massages. Or give one person the role of pamperer while the other receives the pampering for the evening. 

### Introduce erotic stories

Audio erotica can be a key ingredient for getting in the mood. Rather than falling down the various porn rabbit holes—which might take attention away from your partner—[listening to erotica](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-short-stories/) can allow you to stay engaged visually with each other while still enjoying the stimulation of the story. A sexy story in which [two or more people have sex](https://app.dipseastories.com/categories/group-stories-category) can also feel like a fun way to explore group sex or other non-monogamous scenarios as a fantasy. 

## Grab your planner: It's time to make this happen

Now that you've learned how to get in the mood, it's time to ... well, get in the mood. You know that some dedicated self-care time can help you get there, whether that's exercise, a nap, a massage, or something else. You know that you need to take a look at your routines and patterns and figure out which obstacles you can remove. And you know that you need to have a plan (whether explicit or covert) to make sexual connection happen. 

To help you get in the mood, try listening to On the Apps V or My Partner's Partner II.

Awaken your desire for your partner with practical tips for how to get in the mood, like setting the scene, sexting, listening to erotic stories, and more.

How to get in the mood for sex in a long-term relationship

Get-In-the-Mood

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to tap into your sexuality in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=breathblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

Once considered something exclusive to the [kink or BDSM communities](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/a-beginners-guide-to-submission/), breath play is making its way into mainstream conversations about sex. We read about choking and breath swapping in erotic novels and see it depicted in all sorts of media, on the internet, and in movies and on TV. All of that exposure is great for normalizing fetishes, but because breath control can be dangerous if not practiced correctly, too much exposure without proper education can be problematic. 

As with so many other things, the solution is pretty simple: education. Providing people with comprehensive sex education that includes a discussion of pleasure, kink, and [consent](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/dirty-talk-consent/) can help ensure that everyone explores safely.

If you’re curious about breath play, or have tried it and enjoyed it, you probably have some questions about methods and safety. Since education is the key to safe exploration, we’ve put together this guide to the types of breath play, and some tips for playing safe solo or with a partner. 

## What is breath play? 

Breath play involves restricting the intake of oxygen in order to increase arousal. People commonly think of choking when they think of breath play, but that isn't the only form. Some people are into a mild amount of breath swapping (we’ll get to that soon), and others are into more extreme forms using devices to restrict breathing.

Breath play, or erotic asphyxiation, was discovered by accident [in the 17th century](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/obesely-speaking/201402/well-hung) when male hanging victims developed erections. Doctors noticed this phenomenon and began using asphyxiation as a treatment for erectile dysfunction. 

Since there are prescription medications to treat erectile dysfunction these days, asphyxiation is no longer the go-to treatment (thankfully). People enjoy breath play today for a number of reasons: because of the power dynamics involved, because it feels taboo, or just to try something new alone or with a partner. 

## What makes breath play erotic? 

Lack of oxygen can produce a euphoric state. Combining euphoria from endorphins and adrenaline with the oxytocin released during orgasm feels more intense. Like any kink or fetish, breath play can be something a person requires for arousal, or just something they like to try out once in a while. 

People who enjoy breath play say they:

- Find the feeling of power erotic
- Feel more trusting of their partner
- Think wanting to try something new is sexy 
- Are curious
- Find pleasure in risk-taking
- Enjoy the intensified orgasm

The rush of endorphins and adrenaline you experience from breath play is your body's natural reaction to a threat to survival. In the heat of the moment, you may mistake these hormones for a sexy rush, but you must understand you're triggering a flight or fight response in your body. 

## What makes breath play dangerous? 

Since breath play involves the restriction of oxygen, it can be dangerous. Restricting oxygen and blood flow to the brain can cause abnormal heartbeats, brain damage, or even cardiac arrest. Our necks are full of blood vessels, nerves, and many other vital organs. If a person's airway is constricted, it could cause permanent damage to their larynx, carotid arteries, or other neck structures. 

Sometimes the risks of cardiac arrest or brain damage from restricted oxygen cause sexual health experts to warn against trying breath play, but that doesn't seem to stop people. Perhaps it's better to educate people on how to play safely and minimize risks.

## Types of breath play

Every kink exists on a continuum. For example, some people are interested in restraints like a necktie around their wrists, while others want to be in chains suspended from a warehouse ceiling. The same is true for breath play. Some people enjoy mild forms such as breath swapping, and others crave a more dangerous version involving covering the face with plastic. 

Before we can discuss safe breath play, we need to have an understanding of the different types. Here is a (non-exhaustive) list of the types of breath play people enjoy:

- Breath swapping: This is a low-risk way to explore breath play. With your lips locked together, Partner A breathes in through their nose and exhales into Partner B's mouth. Partner B exhales through their nose. It's like holding your breath with a partner attached. 
- Neck holding: Another low-risk form of breath play involves Partner A holding a hand against Partner B's neck but not putting pressure on any area. Neck holding isn't technically breath play since there's no restriction of oxygen. However, it's a safe way to enjoy kinky sex and the power play so many people enjoy. It’s also a great way to [stimulate the erogenous zones](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/) around the neck. 
- Breath-holding: A step up from neck holding or breath swapping. Breath-holding involves holding your breath during sexual activity to experience the lightheadedness that people say intensifies arousal. You can control your breath independently or have a partner direct you to involve a power dynamic. 
- Nose-pinching: To add a physical element to breath holding, some people hold their nose closed or have a partner hold their nose closed to prevent breathing for brief periods. 
- Kinging or Queenings: A way to intensify the power dynamic in your playtime is to smother your partner's face with your genitals. Vulva owners can rub back and forth across their partner’s face during oral sex to limit breathing. Penis owners can combine oral sex with nose pinching for a similar effect. 
- Choking: Some people enjoy being choked during sex. Choking involves direct pressure on the trachea or around the neck from a partner's hand, collar, or rope. Choking is dangerous both because of the oxygen restriction and the pressure against the sensitive structures of your neck. 
- Gas masks or hoods: Some people in the kink community involve gas masks or hoods made of latex or plastic to restrict breathing. If you're using one of these devices, be sure to choose one that has an opening to allow in some air. 
- Chest compression (corseting): Compressing someone's chest to restrict breathing can give a similar feel to choking without involving the sensitive structures of the neck. However, your chest is not resistant to damage either so, like any type of breath play, education is vital. 

## Safety for consensual breathplay

Breath play is inherently dangerous because you're restricting your body's access to oxygen. Depending on the type of play you engage in, it may also limit blood flow to certain areas of your body, including your brain. 

If breath play interests you, it's a good idea to seek a sex therapist to help you learn about proper techniques and safety. Some BDSM clubs and sex toy stores offer classes as well. 

When engaging in breath play it’s important to start slow and come up for air whenever you need to. Perhaps you begin by holding your breath during masturbation for brief periods to explore the sensation of lightheadedness while staying in control of your own breathing. 

If you enjoy that, you can involve your partner(s) in breath swapping, or a light hand on your airway. Make sure your partner is someone you trust. You and your partner can establish signals and ways to communicate if someone’s airway is restricted and talking isn’t possible. For example, double tapping your partner’s arm could mean all activity stops and you have a conversation before continuing. 

If you’re the partner restricting someone’s breathing it’s vital that you check in regularly, release your hold and ask if they’d like to continue. As with any sexual activity, informed, enthusiastic consent is essential. Consent is an ongoing conversation before, during, and [after sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-with-aftercare/). 

If you’re exploring gas masks or compression devices it’s a good idea to use them outside of sexual activity first to ensure you and your partner know how to use any release valves, or remove it quickly. During sexual activity you’ll want to remove it periodically to check in as well.  

Appropriate education about anatomy such as structures in the neck that require special care or can’t handle compression is essential if you are engaging in choking or constriction. You’ll also need practice paying attention to how you feel at various levels of oxygen deprivation so you know when to signal your partner to stop.

Sexual health experts also caution that even with precautions you may experience unpleasant side effects from breath play like: 

- Coughing
- Disorientation
- Drowsiness
- Weakness
- Numbness
- Loss of coordination

If your partner has trouble breathing or chest pains, it's important to call emergency services right away. 

## Exploring breath play without risk

If you'd like to explore how breath play can enhance your sex life, it can be helpful to explore during masturbation. We don't recommend restricting your breathing while flying solo because of the dangers of suffocation or choking. However, breathing exercises that help you tune into your body's rhythm and focus on pleasurable sensations are a great, safe way to explore breath play. 

On Dipsea, we have several audio sessions with Eva Kaczor, a psychologist and breathwork expert, to guide you through self-touch sessions that help you connect your breath with pleasure. Listen to Calming Touch to relax into your solo sesh, or Energizing Touch to experience a different way to enhance your masturbation routine with breathing exercises. 

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=breathblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

<div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/sensual-breath?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=breathblog">
    <img src="//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/01vcqoU5GDj6PR1JsIuAwd/bb98a68bf06d87dfa3414576274b2286/500-208_209_210_TantricBreathing.Compressed.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Calming Touch</p>
  </a>
</div>

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/sensual-breath-ii?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=breathblog">
    <img src="//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/01vcqoU5GDj6PR1JsIuAwd/bb98a68bf06d87dfa3414576274b2286/500-208_209_210_TantricBreathing.Compressed.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Energizing Touch</p>
  </a>
</div>

</div>
</div>

Once considered something exclusive to the [kink or BDSM communities](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/a-beginners-guide-to-submission/), breath play is making its way into mainstream conversations about sex. We read about choking and breath swapping in erotic novels and see it depicted in all sorts of media, on the internet, and in movies and on TV. All of that exposure is great for normalizing fetishes, but because breath control can be dangerous if not practiced correctly, too much exposure without proper education can be problematic. 

As with so many other things, the solution is pretty simple: education. Providing people with comprehensive sex education that includes a discussion of pleasure, kink, and [consent](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/dirty-talk-consent/) can help ensure that everyone explores safely.

If you’re curious about breath play, or have tried it and enjoyed it, you probably have some questions about methods and safety. Since education is the key to safe exploration, we’ve put together this guide to the types of breath play, and some tips for playing safe solo or with a partner. 

## What is breath play? 

Breath play involves restricting the intake of oxygen in order to increase arousal. People commonly think of choking when they think of breath play, but that isn't the only form. Some people are into a mild amount of breath swapping (we’ll get to that soon), and others are into more extreme forms using devices to restrict breathing.

Breath play, or erotic asphyxiation, was discovered by accident [in the 17th century](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/obesely-speaking/201402/well-hung) when male hanging victims developed erections. Doctors noticed this phenomenon and began using asphyxiation as a treatment for erectile dysfunction. 

Since there are prescription medications to treat erectile dysfunction these days, asphyxiation is no longer the go-to treatment (thankfully). People enjoy breath play today for a number of reasons: because of the power dynamics involved, because it feels taboo, or just to try something new alone or with a partner. 

## What makes breath play erotic? 

Lack of oxygen can produce a euphoric state. Combining euphoria from endorphins and adrenaline with the oxytocin released during orgasm feels more intense. Like any kink or fetish, breath play can be something a person requires for arousal, or just something they like to try out once in a while. 

People who enjoy breath play say they:

- Find the feeling of power erotic
- Feel more trusting of their partner
- Think wanting to try something new is sexy 
- Are curious
- Find pleasure in risk-taking
- Enjoy the intensified orgasm

The rush of endorphins and adrenaline you experience from breath play is your body's natural reaction to a threat to survival. In the heat of the moment, you may mistake these hormones for a sexy rush, but you must understand you're triggering a flight or fight response in your body. 

## What makes breath play dangerous? 

Since breath play involves the restriction of oxygen, it can be dangerous. Restricting oxygen and blood flow to the brain can cause abnormal heartbeats, brain damage, or even cardiac arrest. Our necks are full of blood vessels, nerves, and many other vital organs. If a person's airway is constricted, it could cause permanent damage to their larynx, carotid arteries, or other neck structures. 

Sometimes the risks of cardiac arrest or brain damage from restricted oxygen cause sexual health experts to warn against trying breath play, but that doesn't seem to stop people. Perhaps it's better to educate people on how to play safely and minimize risks.

## Types of breath play

Every kink exists on a continuum. For example, some people are interested in restraints like a necktie around their wrists, while others want to be in chains suspended from a warehouse ceiling. The same is true for breath play. Some people enjoy mild forms such as breath swapping, and others crave a more dangerous version involving covering the face with plastic. 

Before we can discuss safe breath play, we need to have an understanding of the different types. Here is a (non-exhaustive) list of the types of breath play people enjoy:

- Breath swapping: This is a low-risk way to explore breath play. With your lips locked together, Partner A breathes in through their nose and exhales into Partner B's mouth. Partner B exhales through their nose. It's like holding your breath with a partner attached. 
- Neck holding: Another low-risk form of breath play involves Partner A holding a hand against Partner B's neck but not putting pressure on any area. Neck holding isn't technically breath play since there's no restriction of oxygen. However, it's a safe way to enjoy kinky sex and the power play so many people enjoy. It’s also a great way to [stimulate the erogenous zones](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/) around the neck. 
- Breath-holding: A step up from neck holding or breath swapping. Breath-holding involves holding your breath during sexual activity to experience the lightheadedness that people say intensifies arousal. You can control your breath independently or have a partner direct you to involve a power dynamic. 
- Nose-pinching: To add a physical element to breath holding, some people hold their nose closed or have a partner hold their nose closed to prevent breathing for brief periods. 
- Kinging or Queenings: A way to intensify the power dynamic in your playtime is to smother your partner's face with your genitals. Vulva owners can rub back and forth across their partner’s face during oral sex to limit breathing. Penis owners can combine oral sex with nose pinching for a similar effect. 
- Choking: Some people enjoy being choked during sex. Choking involves direct pressure on the trachea or around the neck from a partner's hand, collar, or rope. Choking is dangerous both because of the oxygen restriction and the pressure against the sensitive structures of your neck. 
- Gas masks or hoods: Some people in the kink community involve gas masks or hoods made of latex or plastic to restrict breathing. If you're using one of these devices, be sure to choose one that has an opening to allow in some air. 
- Chest compression (corseting): Compressing someone's chest to restrict breathing can give a similar feel to choking without involving the sensitive structures of the neck. However, your chest is not resistant to damage either so, like any type of breath play, education is vital. 

## Safety for consensual breathplay

Breath play is inherently dangerous because you're restricting your body's access to oxygen. Depending on the type of play you engage in, it may also limit blood flow to certain areas of your body, including your brain. 

If breath play interests you, it's a good idea to seek a sex therapist to help you learn about proper techniques and safety. Some BDSM clubs and sex toy stores offer classes as well. 

When engaging in breath play it’s important to start slow and come up for air whenever you need to. Perhaps you begin by holding your breath during masturbation for brief periods to explore the sensation of lightheadedness while staying in control of your own breathing. 

If you enjoy that, you can involve your partner(s) in breath swapping, or a light hand on your airway. Make sure your partner is someone you trust. You and your partner can establish signals and ways to communicate if someone’s airway is restricted and talking isn’t possible. For example, double tapping your partner’s arm could mean all activity stops and you have a conversation before continuing. 

If you’re the partner restricting someone’s breathing it’s vital that you check in regularly, release your hold and ask if they’d like to continue. As with any sexual activity, informed, enthusiastic consent is essential. Consent is an ongoing conversation before, during, and [after sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-with-aftercare/). 

If you’re exploring gas masks or compression devices it’s a good idea to use them outside of sexual activity first to ensure you and your partner know how to use any release valves, or remove it quickly. During sexual activity you’ll want to remove it periodically to check in as well.  

Appropriate education about anatomy such as structures in the neck that require special care or can’t handle compression is essential if you are engaging in choking or constriction. You’ll also need practice paying attention to how you feel at various levels of oxygen deprivation so you know when to signal your partner to stop.

Sexual health experts also caution that even with precautions you may experience unpleasant side effects from breath play like: 

- Coughing
- Disorientation
- Drowsiness
- Weakness
- Numbness
- Loss of coordination

If your partner has trouble breathing or chest pains, it's important to call emergency services right away. 

## Exploring breath play without risk

If you'd like to explore how breath play can enhance your sex life, it can be helpful to explore during masturbation. We don't recommend restricting your breathing while flying solo because of the dangers of suffocation or choking. However, breathing exercises that help you tune into your body's rhythm and focus on pleasurable sensations are a great, safe way to explore breath play. 

On Dipsea, we have several audio sessions with Eva Kaczor, a psychologist and breathwork expert, to guide you through self-touch sessions that help you connect your breath with pleasure. Listen to Calming Touch to relax into your solo sesh, or Energizing Touch to experience a different way to enhance your masturbation routine with breathing exercises. 

Breath play can come in lots of different forms, and it’s vital to educate yourself before you go for it in bed. We’ll teach you everything you need to know.

Breath play: How to safely explore choking during sex

Breath-Play

Ready to tap into your sexuality in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to tap into your sexuality in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=threesomeblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

For some people, a threesome is a sexual bucket-list item, and for others, group sex is just a typical fun Friday night. Whether a threesome is something you're hoping to check off your list or something you enjoy often, it's vital to find threesome positions where no one feels left out. 

A ménage à trois is just sex between three people. Threesomes can occur in any combination of genders and sexual orientations (or penises and vaginas). Like with coupled sex, a threesome can involve oral sex, digital stimulation, toys, and penetrative sex. With a threeway, there’s just extra hands, legs, and erogenous zones to enjoy, which means you can get even more creative with threesome positions. 

Whether a threesome is a sexual fantasy you're hoping to experience or a regular part of your sex life, there’s always room to try something new. Read on for some creative threesome positions, as well as tips for making your next (or first) threesome inclusive and exciting for everyone involved. 

## Important considerations before your threesome

Sometimes a couple decides to bring in a third person to enjoy a threesome. If you and a partner are considering inviting a third for your first threeway, it's crucial to be mindful of a few things.

- This new person is a whole person with needs and feelings, not just a vessel for your mutual enjoyment. 
- Clear communication about boundaries for the couple and the third partner is vital (consider making a menu of what's on the table, including some threesome positions for your play session!). 
- Sex often involves an emotional component, even for a third person joining you and your regular partner. Learn how to [provide aftercare](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-with-aftercare/). 
- Consider what happens after the threesome. Is the third partner sleeping over? Is there a plan in place to see them home? Who's making pancakes? 

## Clear communication and consent

If threesomes are a regular part of your life, clear communication about boundaries, expectations, and sexual preferences will ensure everyone has a good time. Some of these [questions may feel awkward](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexual-self/202012/10-things-understand-you-have-threesome#:~:text=Consent%20applies%20throughout!,It%20doesn't%20matter%20why.), but discussing them in advance ensures that everyone can relax and enjoy threesome positions that meet everyone's needs during the event. Some questions to consider include: 

- How does each participant feel about vaginal and [anal penetration](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/what-does-anal-feel-like/)? What about double penetration? 
- Which partners enjoy receiving or giving oral sex? 
- What's everyone's STI status? 
- What sorts of protection will everyone use? 
- Is anyone comfortable just watching for periods or does everyone want to be actively involved? 
- Will you [involve sex toys](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/clit-pumps/)? What types? What are the guidelines for cleaning them when switching partners? 

## Types of threesomes 

Often threesomes are discussed as MFF, MMF, etc. At Dipsea, we strive for inclusivity and avoid speaking of any particular gender when it comes to threesomes. Instead, let's focus on everyone getting what they need (and want) out of the experience. Use these types of threesomes to help guide your discussion of preferences and to help you pick the best threesome positions for your group to enjoy. 

### Tag-team threeways

The type of threeway you're involved in will determine some of the positions you get to explore. Some people enjoy a tag-team style threesome where two people are engaged in play while the third acts as a voyeur and watches. Tag-team works well when one or more participants are straight and not interested in exploring play with another person. Tag-team threesomes are one of the only styles where missionary position makes sense. If watching is your thing, a tag-team threesome would probably work well for you. 

### Taking turns

Another type of threesome involves one person being the center of attention for some time (and then switching, so another participant is the receiver). This works wonderfully for first-time threesomes. If everyone you're playing with prefers to be involved, it's best to find positions that allow everyone's hands, mouths, and genitals to get in on the fun.

### All hands on deck

Some people who enjoy threesomes love a sex pile where everyone is involved in the action from start to finish (save for an occasional water break). Whether the participants have a vulva or penis, the goal is to ensure the threesome positions you choose allow everyone to receive pleasure throughout the experience. 

Sometimes, simply because of positioning, it's difficult for everyone in a threesome to have their erogenous zones stimulated at all times. For this reason, it's essential to view giving pleasure to your partners as a source of pleasure, or include sex toys in the mix so you can stay revved up along with everyone else when it's your turn to give.  

## Best threesome positions

Alright, so you've found your partners for the evening (or afternoon, or morning), and you all agree a threeway is on the menu. Having some idea of what positions you'd like to try ahead of time can help you avoid the awkward moments where everyone is excited, but your limbs get twisted together, and you tumble off the side of the bed in a sexy form of Twister. These threesome positions will help you navigate your erotic encounter with ease. 

### Daisy chain

A daisy chain is a chain made of flowers where each stem is tied just beneath the bloom of the next flower. Just kidding, you're not here for a lesson in floral arranging! A daisy chain is a threesome position where each person performs oral on the person in front of them. If you're involved in a threesome with three vagina owners, one might lay on their back, another would be on their knees in between the first person's legs, and the third could be under or behind the second. 

### Double cowgirl (cowperson)

For this threesome position, one participant lays on their back. The other two straddle them, with one enjoying a face-sitting episode and the other straddling the genitals of the horizontal person. The two people on top in the cowgirl position can up the sexy factor by facing each other for intimate eye contact. They'll also have access to tons of erogenous zones and enjoy a makeout session. 

If a penis owner is in the mix, they can lay down, and vulva owners can enjoy penetration and oral. If everyone involved has a vulva, it's a great position to try a strap-on dildo (don't forget the lube!) or enjoy some scissoring. 

### Doggy train

A doggy train is a classic threesome position with everyone in a doggy-style position with one person as the caboose. Depending on which body parts your partners have, this position can involve vaginal or anal penetration, oral sex, or rimming in the doggy position.

### Eiffel Tower

The Eiffel Tower is a threesome position where all three partners give and receive pleasure simultaneously. One partner is on all fours (there's a lot of doggy style involved in threeways!) while one person penetrates from behind using a penis, a strap on, or fingers. The third person kneels in front and receives oral sex or digital play from the partner who is bent over. 

## You don't have to have a threesome to enjoy the fantasy

For many people, a threesome fantasy is just that—something they enjoy thinking about during masturbation or partnered sex but don't actually want to experience. There's no shame in either fantasizing about or having a threesome (or several). 

What's important is that every partner's needs matter and that you all discuss consent and safety. Then you just get to relax and experiment with a few positions (or all of them). If you're interested in hearing how an actual threesome works to inspire you and your partners, or get you revved up during a solo sesh, check out these stories. 

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=threesomeblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

<div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/in-the-dark">
    <img src="//images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/cjOaVYtABm7b8xkKFHiKP/10874243a9019593ac152f80c26a69c3/500-525_IntheDark_BonnieBrown-min.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">In the Dark</p>
  </a>
</div>

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 0 0 10px">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/playing-the-field-ii">
    <img src="//images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/5Q5apt8QyVeFI7Qsbet5hq/992133db21125208500681005d16face/500-480_PlayingtheFieldII_BonnieBrown-min.jpeg?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Playing the Field II</p>
  </a>
</div>

</div>
</div>

<br /><br />

For some people, a threesome is a sexual bucket-list item, and for others, group sex is just a typical fun Friday night. Whether a threesome is something you're hoping to check off your list or something you enjoy often, it's vital to find threesome positions where no one feels left out. 

A ménage à trois is just sex between three people. Threesomes can occur in any combination of genders and sexual orientations (or penises and vaginas). Like with coupled sex, a threesome can involve oral sex, digital stimulation, toys, and penetrative sex. With a threeway, there’s just extra hands, legs, and erogenous zones to enjoy, which means you can get even more creative with threesome positions. 

Whether a threesome is a sexual fantasy you're hoping to experience or a regular part of your sex life, there’s always room to try something new. Read on for some creative threesome positions, as well as tips for making your next (or first) threesome inclusive and exciting for everyone involved. 

## Important considerations before your threesome

Sometimes a couple decides to bring in a third person to enjoy a threesome. If you and a partner are considering inviting a third for your first threeway, it's crucial to be mindful of a few things.

- This new person is a whole person with needs and feelings, not just a vessel for your mutual enjoyment. 
- Clear communication about boundaries for the couple and the third partner is vital (consider making a menu of what's on the table, including some threesome positions for your play session!). 
- Sex often involves an emotional component, even for a third person joining you and your regular partner. Learn how to [provide aftercare](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-with-aftercare/). 
- Consider what happens after the threesome. Is the third partner sleeping over? Is there a plan in place to see them home? Who's making pancakes? 

## Clear communication and consent

If threesomes are a regular part of your life, clear communication about boundaries, expectations, and sexual preferences will ensure everyone has a good time. Some of these [questions may feel awkward](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexual-self/202012/10-things-understand-you-have-threesome#:~:text=Consent%20applies%20throughout!,It%20doesn't%20matter%20why.), but discussing them in advance ensures that everyone can relax and enjoy threesome positions that meet everyone's needs during the event. Some questions to consider include: 

- How does each participant feel about vaginal and [anal penetration](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/what-does-anal-feel-like/)? What about double penetration? 
- Which partners enjoy receiving or giving oral sex? 
- What's everyone's STI status? 
- What sorts of protection will everyone use? 
- Is anyone comfortable just watching for periods or does everyone want to be actively involved? 
- Will you [involve sex toys](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/clit-pumps/)? What types? What are the guidelines for cleaning them when switching partners? 

## Types of threesomes 

Often threesomes are discussed as MFF, MMF, etc. At Dipsea, we strive for inclusivity and avoid speaking of any particular gender when it comes to threesomes. Instead, let's focus on everyone getting what they need (and want) out of the experience. Use these types of threesomes to help guide your discussion of preferences and to help you pick the best threesome positions for your group to enjoy. 


### Tag-team threeways

The type of threeway you're involved in will determine some of the positions you get to explore. Some people enjoy a tag-team style threesome where two people are engaged in play while the third acts as a voyeur and watches. Tag-team works well when one or more participants are straight and not interested in exploring play with another person. Tag-team threesomes are one of the only styles where missionary position makes sense. If watching is your thing, a tag-team threesome would probably work well for you. 

### Taking turns

Another type of threesome involves one person being the center of attention for some time (and then switching, so another participant is the receiver). This works wonderfully for first-time threesomes. If everyone you're playing with prefers to be involved, it's best to find positions that allow everyone's hands, mouths, and genitals to get in on the fun.

### All hands on deck

Some people who enjoy threesomes love a sex pile where everyone is involved in the action from start to finish (save for an occasional water break). Whether the participants have a vulva or penis, the goal is to ensure the threesome positions you choose allow everyone to receive pleasure throughout the experience. 

Sometimes, simply because of positioning, it's difficult for everyone in a threesome to have their erogenous zones stimulated at all times. For this reason, it's essential to view giving pleasure to your partners as a source of pleasure, or include sex toys in the mix so you can stay revved up along with everyone else when it's your turn to give.  

## Best threesome positions

Alright, so you've found your partners for the evening (or afternoon, or morning), and you all agree a threeway is on the menu. Having some idea of what positions you'd like to try ahead of time can help you avoid the awkward moments where everyone is excited, but your limbs get twisted together, and you tumble off the side of the bed in a sexy form of Twister. These threesome positions will help you navigate your erotic encounter with ease. 

### Daisy chain

A daisy chain is a chain made of flowers where each stem is tied just beneath the bloom of the next flower. Just kidding, you're not here for a lesson in floral arranging! A daisy chain is a threesome position where each person performs oral on the person in front of them. If you're involved in a threesome with three vagina owners, one might lay on their back, another would be on their knees in between the first person's legs, and the third could be under or behind the second. 

### Double cowgirl (cowperson)

For this threesome position, one participant lays on their back. The other two straddle them, with one enjoying a face-sitting episode and the other straddling the genitals of the horizontal person. The two people on top in the cowgirl position can up the sexy factor by facing each other for intimate eye contact. They'll also have access to tons of erogenous zones and enjoy a makeout session. 

If a penis owner is in the mix, they can lay down, and vulva owners can enjoy penetration and oral. If everyone involved has a vulva, it's a great position to try a strap-on dildo (don't forget the lube!) or enjoy some scissoring. 

### Doggy train

A doggy train is a classic threesome position with everyone in a doggy-style position with one person as the caboose. Depending on which body parts your partners have, this position can involve vaginal or anal penetration, oral sex, or rimming in the doggy position.

### Eiffel Tower

The Eiffel Tower is a threesome position where all three partners give and receive pleasure simultaneously. One partner is on all fours (there's a lot of doggy style involved in threeways!) while one person penetrates from behind using a penis, a strap on, or fingers. The third person kneels in front and receives oral sex or digital play from the partner who is bent over. 

## You don't have to have a threesome to enjoy the fantasy

For many people, a threesome fantasy is just that—something they enjoy thinking about during masturbation or partnered sex but don't actually want to experience. There's no shame in either fantasizing about or having a threesome (or several). 

What's important is that every partner's needs matter and that you all discuss consent and safety. Then you just get to relax and experiment with a few positions (or all of them). If you're interested in hearing how an actual threesome works to inspire you and your partners, or get you revved up during a solo sesh, check out these stories. 

There's no shortage of ways to explore when it comes to a threeway. These threesome positions are inclusive of all genders and are exciting for everyone.

4 genderless threesome positions to deliver pleasure

Threesomes

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to connect with your partner in a whole new way? Dipsea can help with that.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=malegspot"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

If you're interested in intense, full-body orgasms, finding the male g-spot should have a spot on your sexual bucket list. We spend a lot of time talking about the sexual pleasure of vulva owners and the female g-spot, and with good reason! Society ignored the sexual needs of people with vulvas for far too long. But, if you're a penis owner, or you just like to roll around with one in bed, you're probably interested in their pleasure spots as well. 

People who enjoy male g-spot orgasms say they are an intensified experience that surpasses the feeling of a penile orgasm. Maybe your partner mentioned wanting to try it, or you're a penis owner curious about experiencing one for yourself. If you're wondering about the ins and outs of accessing this [erogenous zone](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/), read on for a comprehensive lesson in butt stuff and the resulting pleasure.

## What is the male g-spot? 

The male g-spot or p-spot is [a sex organ called the prostate gland](https://www.webmd.com/men/picture-of-the-prostate). It's about the size of a walnut and located just under the bladder of penis-having people. The prostate wraps around the urethra and swells during sexual activity.

The prostate plays a critical role in sexual health since it secretes a fluid during ejaculation to protect sperm and help it reach its destination. It also pumps semen out through the urethra. 

Stimulating the prostate during sexual activity can provide penis owners with a [powerful orgasm](https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a28421545/prostate-vs-penile-orgasms/) that starts with genital contractions and flows from their head to their curled-up toes. Think of penile orgasms as eating a packaged cupcake compared to male g-spot orgasms as a treat fresh from your favorite bakery. Still good, just not as good.

## How do I find the prostate? 

The male g-spot is easiest to find with anal penetration. During masturbation or partnered sex, use lube and slide your finger in the rectum up to about the first knuckle. Press forward toward the scrotum gently until you feel a raised area that feels similar to the tip of your nose. 

The p-spot responds well to gentle stimulation. You can try using a "come here" motion with your finger (similar to what you'd do to stimulate the female g-spot). 

## Is anal penetration the only way to access the p-spot? 

Generally speaking, anal penetration is the most direct route to p-spot stimulation and prostate orgasms. However, if you or your partner aren't comfortable with back-door play but want to experience some pleasure from the male g-spot, you can still experiment. 

Some penis owners enjoy having a partner press against their perineum (or taint), the thin bit of skin between the scrotum and the anus. Pressing on this area puts gentle pressure on the prostate, which may intensify a penile orgasm. 

You may also experience a similar sensation from gently stroking the outside of your anus. The nerve endings there are sensitive, and playing in that area may put a bit of pressure against the male g-spot. You aren't likely to have an intense orgasm just from these lighter approaches, but they're a great way to spice up your sex life as you adjust to butt stuff. 

## Are straight men into prostate play? 

The trend toward a more sex-positive culture has resulted in the destigmatization of anal play for men. The bottom line is that lots of people of all genders and sexual orientations enjoy butt stuff. If you want to explore the male g-spot, that's between you and your partners. 

## What equipment do I need for prostate play? 

Sure, humans are born with everything we need to enjoy sex, but that doesn't mean a few toys here and there won’t make things more fun. If you're exploring the male g-spot, remember the anus does not self-lubricate. Use lube. Lots of lube (yes, more than you think). Silicone lasts longer but may not work with some toys or condoms, so double check your labels and have water-based on hand just in case. 

You may also want to try a [vibrator or butt plug](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-toys-for-beginners/) specially designed for prostate stimulation. Look for ones with a curved head that can press directly on the male g-spot for the most intense sensation. You can wear butt plugs during penetrative sex to experience more powerful orgasms. 

If you're concerned about your sheets, you may want to purchase a waterproof blanket specifically for your sexcapades. It can also help keep things dry in the case of female ejaculation or really effective oral sex. 

It’s important to keep cleanliness in mind during anal stimulation. Enemas aren’t necessary, but a bath or shower can help you feel ready to get intimate as well as help relax the muscles so penetration is more comfortable. You’ll also need to wash any toys according to package directions, using either soap and water or a toy cleaner.

## What positions work best for exploring the male g-spot?

Let's get into how male g-spot stimulation works during masturbation or with a partner. These [sex positions](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/new-names-for-classic-sex-positions/) give easy access to your back door. 

No matter which position you choose, start with gentle massaging around the anus to relax the muscles. When you start inserting a toy or finger, go slow (this is important). Going slow allows your muscles to relax so you don't experience discomfort.

### Lying on your back

Lying on your back may make it difficult to access the male g-spot on your own using your fingers (the angle is a wrist cramp waiting to happen). But propping yourself up on a few pillows may help. You may also try this position with a vibrator or butt plug. Lying on your back gives a partner access to your penis as well as your p-spot. Male g-spot stimulation can also intensify the experience of oral sex. 

### On all fours

If you're interested in releasing control to your partner, getting on all fours can give them access to the male g-spot and a [sexy rush of power](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/what-is-pegging-anyway/). Leaning over the side of the bed or supporting yourself with pillows may help you relax even more. 

### On your side

Lying on your side with your knees bent is a compromise between lying on your back and bending over. You'll still be able to see your partner, and they'll be able to watch your face to see how you respond to what they're doing. They can reach around to stimulate your penis as well. 

Lying on your side works particularly well for masturbation because you have easy access to both your anus and your penis. 

## Don't forget about consent

The most important thing to remember for male g-spot stimulation (or any sexual activity) is to get [enthusiastic informed consent](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/dirty-talk-consent/) from all people involved. Discuss anal play ahead of time and set up boundaries for each experience. Just because your partner was into butt plugs last time doesn't necessarily mean they want that tonight. 

## Set the mood

Relaxation is key to enjoying any sexual experience, but it's imperative when you're trying something new. Once you've decided male g-spot stimulation is on the menu tonight and set expectations with your partner(s), take a little time to light candles, play some music, or listen to erotic audio. In Firsts, a man describes his first [experience with male g-spot](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/firsts-i?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=malegspot) stimulation, and if [F Train II](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/f-train-ii?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=malegspot) a couple experiments with pegging for the first time. They may be just the inspiration you're searching for!

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=malegspot"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

<div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/firsts-i?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=malegspot">
    <img src="//images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/6AM8qJ7mxsDCEVBwnsyTOA/a4a9cc40bed647d95eaf1e82c720d2e7/500-248_firstsI_ElenaMiska-fs8.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Firsts</p>
  </a>
</div>

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 0 0 10px">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/f-train-ii?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=malegspot">
    <img src="//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/1O1UTazgeLDnaBx6I1pMac/4ae62e71bd7f957bab7d2cbc0d8e486b/ftrain2.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">F Train II</p>
  </a>
</div>

</div>
</div>

<br /><br />

If you're interested in intense, full-body orgasms, finding the male g-spot should have a spot on your sexual bucket list. We spend a lot of time talking about the sexual pleasure of vulva owners and the female g-spot, and with good reason! Society ignored the sexual needs of people with vulvas for far too long. But, if you're a penis owner, or you just like to roll around with one in bed, you're probably interested in their pleasure spots as well. 

People who enjoy male g-spot orgasms say they are an intensified experience that surpasses the feeling of a penile orgasm. Maybe your partner mentioned wanting to try it, or you're a penis owner curious about experiencing one for yourself. If you're wondering about the ins and outs of accessing this [erogenous zone](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/), read on for a comprehensive lesson in butt stuff and the resulting pleasure.

## What is the male g-spot? 

The male g-spot or p-spot is [a sex organ called the prostate gland](https://www.webmd.com/men/picture-of-the-prostate). It's about the size of a walnut and located just under the bladder of penis-having people. The prostate wraps around the urethra and swells during sexual activity.

The prostate plays a critical role in sexual health since it secretes a fluid during ejaculation to protect sperm and help it reach its destination. It also pumps semen out through the urethra. 

Stimulating the prostate during sexual activity can provide penis owners with a [powerful orgasm](https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a28421545/prostate-vs-penile-orgasms/) that starts with genital contractions and flows from their head to their curled-up toes. Think of penile orgasms as eating a packaged cupcake compared to male g-spot orgasms as a treat fresh from your favorite bakery. Still good, just not as good.

## How do I find the prostate? 

The male g-spot is easiest to find with anal penetration. During masturbation or partnered sex, use lube and slide your finger in the rectum up to about the first knuckle. Press forward toward the scrotum gently until you feel a raised area that feels similar to the tip of your nose. 

The p-spot responds well to gentle stimulation. You can try using a "come here" motion with your finger (similar to what you'd do to stimulate the female g-spot). 

## Is anal penetration the only way to access the p-spot? 

Generally speaking, anal penetration is the most direct route to p-spot stimulation and prostate orgasms. However, if you or your partner aren't comfortable with back-door play but want to experience some pleasure from the male g-spot, you can still experiment. 

Some penis owners enjoy having a partner press against their perineum (or taint), the thin bit of skin between the scrotum and the anus. Pressing on this area puts gentle pressure on the prostate, which may intensify a penile orgasm. 

You may also experience a similar sensation from gently stroking the outside of your anus. The nerve endings there are sensitive, and playing in that area may put a bit of pressure against the male g-spot. You aren't likely to have an intense orgasm just from these lighter approaches, but they're a great way to spice up your sex life as you adjust to butt stuff. 

## Are straight men into prostate play? 

The trend toward a more sex-positive culture has resulted in the destigmatization of anal play for men. The bottom line is that lots of people of all genders and sexual orientations enjoy butt stuff. If you want to explore the male g-spot, that's between you and your partners. 

## What equipment do I need for prostate play? 

Sure, humans are born with everything we need to enjoy sex, but that doesn't mean a few toys here and there won’t make things more fun. If you're exploring the male g-spot, remember the anus does not self-lubricate. Use lube. Lots of lube (yes, more than you think). Silicone lasts longer but may not work with some toys or condoms, so double check your labels and have water-based on hand just in case. 

You may also want to try a [vibrator or butt plug](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-toys-for-beginners/) specially designed for prostate stimulation. Look for ones with a curved head that can press directly on the male g-spot for the most intense sensation. You can wear butt plugs during penetrative sex to experience more powerful orgasms. 

If you're concerned about your sheets, you may want to purchase a waterproof blanket specifically for your sexcapades. It can also help keep things dry in the case of female ejaculation or really effective oral sex. 

It’s important to keep cleanliness in mind during anal stimulation. Enemas aren’t necessary, but a bath or shower can help you feel ready to get intimate as well as help relax the muscles so penetration is more comfortable. You’ll also need to wash any toys according to package directions, using either soap and water or a toy cleaner.

## What positions work best for exploring the male g-spot?

Let's get into how male g-spot stimulation works during masturbation or with a partner. These [sex positions](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/new-names-for-classic-sex-positions/) give easy access to your back door. 

No matter which position you choose, start with gentle massaging around the anus to relax the muscles. When you start inserting a toy or finger, go slow (this is important). Going slow allows your muscles to relax so you don't experience discomfort.

### Lying on your back

Lying on your back may make it difficult to access the male g-spot on your own using your fingers (the angle is a wrist cramp waiting to happen). But propping yourself up on a few pillows may help. You may also try this position with a vibrator or butt plug. Lying on your back gives a partner access to your penis as well as your p-spot. Male g-spot stimulation can also intensify the experience of oral sex. 

### On all fours

If you're interested in releasing control to your partner, getting on all fours can give them access to the male g-spot and a [sexy rush of power](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/what-is-pegging-anyway/). Leaning over the side of the bed or supporting yourself with pillows may help you relax even more. 

### On your side

Lying on your side with your knees bent is a compromise between lying on your back and bending over. You'll still be able to see your partner, and they'll be able to watch your face to see how you respond to what they're doing. They can reach around to stimulate your penis as well. 

Lying on your side works particularly well for masturbation because you have easy access to both your anus and your penis. 

## Don't forget about consent

The most important thing to remember for male g-spot stimulation (or any sexual activity) is to get [enthusiastic informed consent](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/dirty-talk-consent/) from all people involved. Discuss anal play ahead of time and set up boundaries for each experience. Just because your partner was into butt plugs last time doesn't necessarily mean they want that tonight. 

## Set the mood

Relaxation is key to enjoying any sexual experience, but it's imperative when you're trying something new. Once you've decided male g-spot stimulation is on the menu tonight and set expectations with your partner(s), take a little time to light candles, play some music, or listen to erotic audio. In Firsts, a man describes his first [experience with male g-spot](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/firsts-i?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=malegspot) stimulation, and if [F Train II](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/f-train-ii?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=malegspot) a couple experiments with pegging for the first time. They may be just the inspiration you're searching for!

Get answers to everything you've wanted to know about the male g-spot, including what it is, where to find it, and how to make a prostate orgasm happen.

Yes, the male g-spot exists: How to find and enjoy it

Male-G-Spot (1)

Ready to connect with your partner in a whole new way? Dipsea can help with that.

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to tap into your sexuality in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=mutualmasturbationblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

Getting intimate with your partner or partners can mean all kinds of things beyond penetrative or oral sex. Physical touch in any form can take on a sexual meaning between you and your partner(s), making you feel close, cared for, and desired. One way to get intimate with your partner on a number of sexual levels is through mutual masturbation.

Mutual masturbation can mean two different things: You and your partner(s) masturbate each other with hands, fingers, or sex toys, or you and your partner engage in [solo sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/solo-sex/) side by side. Either type of touch can be foreplay or the end game—that part is totally up to you. To get a better idea of how mutual masturbation can work in its various forms, we'll go over a few ideas and the potential benefits of giving it a try.

## Why try mutual masturbation?

Mutual masturbation is a fun way to mix up your sex life. It’s another tool to tuck in your sexual toolbelt to help keep things exciting and interesting, especially in long-term relationships where things can sometimes become routine or stale. It's also a useful tool in new relationships or casual encounters.

While it might not seem intuitive to scale *back* from penetrative sex to spice things up, it really can make things interesting! Mutual masturbation is a fun alternative to sex when you're feeling more low-key but still want to go for it with your partner. It's also a valuable part of foreplay. Most importantly, it's a super useful way to help guide your partner(s) in the right direction for what you like and what gets you off.

### Prep and practice

Masturbation and solo sex are valuable sexual outlets in and of themselves, but they can also serve another purpose: They can help you understand yourself better sexually. Through self-touch and exploration, you'll get a sense of the kinds of things your body responds to, the [erogenous zones](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/) that spark your interest, what kinds of [sex toys](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-toys-for-beginners/) you like, and how you like to use them on yourself. 

When you know yourself better sexually, you're better able to communicate your needs to your partner(s) so that they can successfully give you the pleasure and attention you crave. Mutual masturbation takes that self-knowledge a step further, letting your partner in on the secrets of your body so that they can either watch or practice the kind of touch that really gets you going.

Having an open dialog around what you like during a mutual masturbation session is a great way to diversify your sexual activity while getting closer to each other and learning how to more successfully satisfy each other. In fact, some couples prefer mutual masturbation orgasms to those they get from other sexual activities. As [Dan Savage](https://www.thestranger.com/savage-love/2020/04/14/43418385/savage-love) says, "Mutual masturbation isn’t a sad consolation prize—mutual masturbation is sex and it can be great sex."

## The many benefits of partnered solo sex

Side-by-side play comes with incredible benefits. First, it's a super useful practice for [couples in long-distance relationships](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/phone-sex/) who can't physically be near each other but want to get off during a phone sex sesh. Second, it's a wonderful time-saver for established couples who want to feel close to each other during a busy or stressful week and have limited time or energy in the evening for more involved sexual activity.

Possibly the most valuable benefit of side-by-side play is this: Getting comfortable touching yourself in front of a partner builds trust and shows a vulnerability that can be incredibly hot. You're showing your partner what you like by touching yourself in front of them. They're getting a voyeuristic experience while touching themselves at the same time, putting the two of you into a sexy feedback loop that often ends in simultaneous orgasm because you're both doing exactly what you like to yourselves.

Being able to masturbate in front of someone else, whether it's with your hands, fingers, a vibrator, or a dildo, also opens up the possibilities of bringing these tools into other sexual activities with your partner. 

This is especially relevant in straight relationships, in which expectations for the cis man to be able to bring the cis woman to orgasm with penetration can be unrealistically high. Most [vulva owners need external clitoral stimulation to orgasm](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28678639/), and being able to do that yourself when your parther is inside (whether with a sex toy, fingers, or penis) can be part of the fun. 

We've talked to cis women who've never used toys in the bedroom with their cis male partners because they're embarrassed or don't want their partners to think they need help from a toy when they're with them. Using a toy or touching yourself with your partner present, whether it's during a mutual masturbation session or during penetrative sex, shouldn't be embarrassing for either party. 

If your vulva-owning partner needs to use their fingers or a toy to come, awesome. It doesn't mean anything about your ability to perform, it just means that's what they like. And if you're the person with the vulva, owning your desires and communicating them is a great way to make sure everyone is on the same page and reaching the level of pleasure they want to reach.

## How to make mutual masturbation work for you

If you're interested in trying either form of this type of play, the first thing you need to do is figure out how to talk about it with your partner(s). In some cases, it's an easy conversation: "Wanna watch me masturbate?" or "Finger me while I give you a hand job?" are both viable options. You could also create an inside joke, euphemism, or game that makes you feel more comfortable if asking directly doesn’t feel like the move.

If that's too straightforward for you, you might ask your partner to show you what they like as a way to breach that conversation: "I felt you twitch when I touched you this/that way. Is that what you like to do to yourself when I'm not here? Can you show me what you like?" 

It might also be helpful to bring in your friend [Dipsea](https://app.dipseastories.com/referred?id=8910cb). Ask your partner if they want to listen to some sexy stories together so you can show them what you do when you're by yourself.

### Set the scene

Much like other kinds of sex, setting the scene can really help build tension and create a mood. Dim the lights, put on your [bedroom jams playlist](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/summer-bedroom-jams/), and get comfy on the couch or in bed. Or, if you prefer bringing your mutual masturbation session to a bath or shower, those are great locations too.

Setting the scene is worth the effort to help ease you into this new activity if you're feeling a little nervous. It's also a great lubricator for mutual masturbation as a segue into other kinds of sex. (And speaking of lubrication, be sure your lube and toys are close by so you can grab what you need when you need it.) 

The only rules in this game are the rules you make, so if you set out to mutually masturbate and a hand job turns into a blowjob, everyone wins. There's no way to do this wrong, as long as everyone is having a good time.

### Get into position

The position you choose can really change the whole experience, just like with penetrative sex and oral sex. If you're feeling nervous and eye contact makes you too self-conscious at first, lay side by side so that you have the option of looking over when you're ready. 

If you're feeling bold and want to see everything that's happening between your partner's legs and vice versa, sit facing each other, legs spread. 

If you're wanting to simulate penetrative sex, one of you can climb on top of the other so you have an ideal POV, but your hands are free to touch yourself or use a toy. 

### Talk dirty — or don't

Mutual masturbation can be an excellent segue into dirty talk if you've been looking for a way to bring that up too. Talking dirty might feel like another hurdle to jump in this conversation, but rest assured, most dirty talk falls into one of just a few categories: 

- Saying what you like or want
- Asking the other person questions about what they like or want (even if it's just "do you like that?")
- Narrating what you're doing or what they're doing

You can try dirty talk to stay engaged with your partner during solo play, or you can choose to keep it simple and moan when something feels good and make eye contact when you're about to come. All options are fantastic.

## Keep it simple

Mutual masturbation is about sharing what you like with your partner(s). Step one is figuring that out on your own. Step two is breaking the ice on the topic with your partner(s), and step three is making it happen. 

Mutual masturbation helps you feel closer to your partner through shared vulnerability and better communication around what feels good to you. Try out these sessions to help you get started. 

<div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/partner-pleasure-i">
    <img src="//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/8joMQhRhTX16IyHvaLEhu/05c38d7e641a2b378e65d9d1d9d32c5e/500-164_IonutRadulescu_Love-On-Me.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Partner Pleasure</p>
  </a>
</div>

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 0 0 10px">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/partner-massage-i">
    <img src="//images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/1MpkYpcCGLIaArm825gsv4/0792e7019a41e57c00237d03bac3faca/500-286_Guided_Massage_Part_1_IonutRadulescu-fs8.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Partner Massage</p>
  </a>
</div>

</div>
</div>

<br /><br />


Getting intimate with your partner or partners can mean all kinds of things beyond penetrative or oral sex. Physical touch in any form can take on a sexual meaning between you and your partner(s), making you feel close, cared for, and desired. One way to get intimate with your partner on a number of sexual levels is through mutual masturbation.

Mutual masturbation can mean two different things: You and your partner(s) masturbate each other with hands, fingers, or sex toys, or you and your partner engage in [solo sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/solo-sex/) side by side. Either type of touch can be foreplay or the end game—that part is totally up to you. To get a better idea of how mutual masturbation can work in its various forms, we'll go over a few ideas and the potential benefits of giving it a try.

## Why try mutual masturbation?

Mutual masturbation is a fun way to mix up your sex life. It’s another tool to tuck in your sexual toolbelt to help keep things exciting and interesting, especially in long-term relationships where things can sometimes become routine or stale. It's also a useful tool in new relationships or casual encounters.

While it might not seem intuitive to scale *back* from penetrative sex to spice things up, it really can make things interesting! Mutual masturbation is a fun alternative to sex when you're feeling more low-key but still want to go for it with your partner. It's also a valuable part of foreplay. Most importantly, it's a super useful way to help guide your partner(s) in the right direction for what you like and what gets you off.

### Prep and practice

Masturbation and solo sex are valuable sexual outlets in and of themselves, but they can also serve another purpose: They can help you understand yourself better sexually. Through self-touch and exploration, you'll get a sense of the kinds of things your body responds to, the [erogenous zones](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/) that spark your interest, what kinds of [sex toys](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-toys-for-beginners/) you like, and how you like to use them on yourself. 

When you know yourself better sexually, you're better able to communicate your needs to your partner(s) so that they can successfully give you the pleasure and attention you crave. Mutual masturbation takes that self-knowledge a step further, letting your partner in on the secrets of your body so that they can either watch or practice the kind of touch that really gets you going.

Having an open dialog around what you like during a mutual masturbation session is a great way to diversify your sexual activity while getting closer to each other and learning how to more successfully satisfy each other. In fact, some couples prefer mutual masturbation orgasms to those they get from other sexual activities. As [Dan Savage](https://www.thestranger.com/savage-love/2020/04/14/43418385/savage-love) says, "Mutual masturbation isn’t a sad consolation prize—mutual masturbation is sex and it can be great sex."

## The many benefits of partnered solo sex

Side-by-side play comes with incredible benefits. First, it's a super useful practice for [couples in long-distance relationships](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/phone-sex/) who can't physically be near each other but want to get off during a phone sex sesh. Second, it's a wonderful time-saver for established couples who want to feel close to each other during a busy or stressful week and have limited time or energy in the evening for more involved sexual activity.

Possibly the most valuable benefit of side-by-side play is this: Getting comfortable touching yourself in front of a partner builds trust and shows a vulnerability that can be incredibly hot. You're showing your partner what you like by touching yourself in front of them. They're getting a voyeuristic experience while touching themselves at the same time, putting the two of you into a sexy feedback loop that often ends in simultaneous orgasm because you're both doing exactly what you like to yourselves.

Being able to masturbate in front of someone else, whether it's with your hands, fingers, a vibrator, or a dildo, also opens up the possibilities of bringing these tools into other sexual activities with your partner. 

This is especially relevant in straight relationships, in which expectations for the cis man to be able to bring the cis woman to orgasm with penetration can be unrealistically high. Most [vulva owners need external clitoral stimulation to orgasm](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28678639/), and being able to do that yourself when your parther is inside (whether with a sex toy, fingers, or penis) can be part of the fun. 

We've talked to cis women who've never used toys in the bedroom with their cis male partners because they're embarrassed or don't want their partners to think they need help from a toy when they're with them. Using a toy or touching yourself with your partner present, whether it's during a mutual masturbation session or during penetrative sex, shouldn't be embarrassing for either party. 

If your vulva-owning partner needs to use their fingers or a toy to come, awesome. It doesn't mean anything about your ability to perform, it just means that's what they like. And if you're the person with the vulva, owning your desires and communicating them is a great way to make sure everyone is on the same page and reaching the level of pleasure they want to reach.

## How to make mutual masturbation work for you

If you're interested in trying either form of this type of play, the first thing you need to do is figure out how to talk about it with your partner(s). In some cases, it's an easy conversation: "Wanna watch me masturbate?" or "Finger me while I give you a hand job?" are both viable options. You could also create an inside joke, euphemism, or game that makes you feel more comfortable if asking directly doesn’t feel like the move.

If that's too straightforward for you, you might ask your partner to show you what they like as a way to breach that conversation: "I felt you twitch when I touched you this/that way. Is that what you like to do to yourself when I'm not here? Can you show me what you like?" 

It might also be helpful to bring in your friend [Dipsea](https://app.dipseastories.com/referred?id=8910cb). Ask your partner if they want to listen to some sexy stories together so you can show them what you do when you're by yourself.

### Set the scene

Much like other kinds of sex, setting the scene can really help build tension and create a mood. Dim the lights, put on your [bedroom jams playlist](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/summer-bedroom-jams/), and get comfy on the couch or in bed. Or, if you prefer bringing your mutual masturbation session to a bath or shower, those are great locations too.

Setting the scene is worth the effort to help ease you into this new activity if you're feeling a little nervous. It's also a great lubricator for mutual masturbation as a segue into other kinds of sex. (And speaking of lubrication, be sure your lube and toys are close by so you can grab what you need when you need it.) 

The only rules in this game are the rules you make, so if you set out to mutually masturbate and a hand job turns into a blowjob, everyone wins. There's no way to do this wrong, as long as everyone is having a good time.

### Get into position

The position you choose can really change the whole experience, just like with penetrative sex and oral sex. If you're feeling nervous and eye contact makes you too self-conscious at first, lay side by side so that you have the option of looking over when you're ready. 

If you're feeling bold and want to see everything that's happening between your partner's legs and vice versa, sit facing each other, legs spread. 

If you're wanting to simulate penetrative sex, one of you can climb on top of the other so you have an ideal POV, but your hands are free to touch yourself or use a toy. 

### Talk dirty — or don't

Mutual masturbation can be an excellent segue into dirty talk if you've been looking for a way to bring that up too. Talking dirty might feel like another hurdle to jump in this conversation, but rest assured, most dirty talk falls into one of just a few categories: 

- Saying what you like or want
- Asking the other person questions about what they like or want (even if it's just "do you like that?")
- Narrating what you're doing or what they're doing

You can try dirty talk to stay engaged with your partner during solo play, or you can choose to keep it simple and moan when something feels good and make eye contact when you're about to come. All options are fantastic.

## Keep it simple

Mutual masturbation is about sharing what you like with your partner(s). Step one is figuring that out on your own. Step two is breaking the ice on the topic with your partner(s), and step three is making it happen. 

Mutual masturbation helps you feel closer to your partner through shared vulnerability and better communication around what feels good to you. Try out one of the sessions above to help you get started. 


Mutual masturbation serves many purposes and could be just what you need in your sex life. Learn all about this form of sex and get tips on making it happen.

How to bring mutual masturbation into your relationship

Mutual-Masturbation (1)

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to explore your sexuality in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=secretsblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

There’s something incredibly intimate about sharing secrets with a person you care about. The nerves, the build-up, the ultimate release you feel when you enter that vulnerable space with someone. It can be intense and erotic, especially if the secrets are all about passion, desire, and sex. 

Those are the feelings that inspired a new kind of story available on Dipsea. In the *[Be the Voyeur](https://app.dipseastories.com/categories/be-the-voyeur-category)* row on the hompage, characters divulge steamy secrets to you, the listener, who’s also part of the story. Maybe it’s the story of a past hook-up, or about the night the narrator and listener first met. Whatever the situation is, the experience of listening to the story is one like no other. 

> Simply engaging with intimate content before interacting with someone is enough to loosen the lips and open the floodgates of our most classified information. 

But is it just the telling and hearing of secrets that feels sexy, or does feeling sexy also inspire one to air out their deepest, darkest, (sexiest?), secrets? As it turns out, it’s a bit of a chicken and the egg situation, at least according to science. 

A 2017 [study](http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167217695556) published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin concluded that you don’t need to be intimate with someone in order to bare your soul to them. Simply engaging with intimate content before interacting with someone is enough to loosen the lips and open the floodgates of our most classified information. 

The title of the paper pretty much says it all: “Sex Unleashes Your Tongue: Sexual Priming Motivates Self-Disclosure to a New Acquaintance and Interest in Future Interactions.” In the study, participants were put through three separate tests. 

In the first, they were shown either a sexy picture or something “neutral” and then asked to DM with someone about an event that occurred in their lives. In the second trial, participants were shown either a sexy (but not pornographic) video or a non-sexual video of a couple interacting, and then asked to talk in person about something embarrassing that happened to them (big second date vibes!). Finally, folks were shown either a video of Angelina Jolie and Antonia Banderas' characters having sex in the 2001 film *Original Sin* or a video of cats (not the 2019 film) and then asked to share with each other. 

In each of the three trials, the participants who were exposed to the more explicitly erotic content more readily shared intimate or otherwise vulnerable stories about their pasts, and also expressed a heightened interest in future interactions with the person they engaged with. So, not only does engaging in erotic content make you more vulnerable with a partner or potential partner, but it also increases your interest in getting to know them better. Does this mean everyone should be listening to Dipsea on their first dates? Probably!

And while none of the participants in the study went on to have sex (that we know of), it can be assumed that, for most people, all systems would be go after a vulnerable revelation. But we get it, telling secrets can be hard, especially in person. That’s why they’re called secrets. However, that’s also why, every once in a while, we give people the opportunity to practice over on our Instagram. In addition to our *[Be the Voyeur](https://app.dipseastories.com/categories/be-the-voyeur-category)* stories, we invite you share your sexiest secrets on our Instagram to make sure things don't stay pent-up inside forever!

With questions like “Describe the hottest sex you’ve ever had.” or “Have you ever been in love? How did it feel?” or “What’s one thing you find sexiest about yourself?” it’s no wonder that people are chomping at the bit to answer them. We share some of our favorite answers on our Instagram story, anonymously of course. Because you can’t time travel, here are a few of our favorite questions and their responses: 

### What’s one thing you find sexy about yourself?

*My confidence. It’s been quite awhile since I’ve felt good about how I look and value myself because of high school bullies and toxic exes. But now that I’m finally out of my shell again, I’ve learned to not care what others think or say about me. I even make a point to look in the mirror every morning and tell myself “You are beautiful.” “You are enough.”*

*I’m typically quite shy and soft spoken, but I’m the complete opposite as a lover. This usually takes my partners by surprise—in a good way. I love that I’m able to express myself confidently and freely with sex (hasn’t always been the case). I also love to please—so to me confidence + taking the time and care to be attentive/giving is sexy!* 

### Have you ever had a crush on someone off-limits?

*Of course! I still do—he’s in a relationship and so am I. I’m not sure if I would take the chance if the opportunity presented itself, but I fantasize about the possibility quite often. We’re both dancers—he’s super awkward and not really my type, but that’s exactly why I want him. Not for a relationship, but for a moment…or two ;)*

*I had a crush on my trainer. She told me she has a boyfriend, but they’re not living together. Invited me for a weekend drink and told me I could stay over at her place with one condition—that we had to share the bed. I ended up not staying over because I was a* 🐔

### What are your foreplay must-haves?

*Slow kisses and drawn out make-out sessions are so grounding. Nipple play is non-negotiable for me! I have amazing tits, and they need to be worshipped. Dirty talk is preferred and I love pre- and post-sex cuddles. As far as I’m concerned, foreplay is ongoing and doesn’t have an end bracket. Play with my hair and stroke my thigh under the table. Grab my ass at Whole Foods. Keep me ready.*

*Neck kisses, dirty talk, so much dirty talk, trailing fingers along my belly and thighs, teasing my vulva, and lustful looks.*

*It’s really varied. It can be regular things like cuddling, or sometimes it can be a wrestling match with biting and Dom/sub stuff before anyone even gets properly naked. Foreplay should be like lube—a necessity, but one that is fun and should be given the respect it deserves.*

*Teasing, gentle caresses, but also knowing when to roughly grab my hips or my arm and leave me wanting more. Feeling him hard behind me or under me still clothed. Slow passionate kisses, sigh* 😌

Want to submit a confession of your own? Hop into the Dipsea app on Sunday and check out that week’s question. Not ready just yet? Explore our Confessions stories below and ease yourself into the idea. Remember, practice makes perfect!

<div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/just-between-us-lawrence">
    <img src="//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/5Ymi2tQzXRoRFcg7zkN7Ry/40af85af572adaf9cdcc89df83d12f29/472_JBULAwrence_Gabby.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Pushing the Limits</p>
  </a>
</div>

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 0 0 10px">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/just-between-us-abby">
    <img src="//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/5vnGonIGPl4y7oor01N018/561f9134a049f66dcc9cade0c73fd40f/482_JBU_Abby_Gabby.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Breaking the Rules</p>
  </a>
</div>

</div>
</div>

<br /><br />


There’s something incredibly intimate about sharing secrets with a person you care about. The nerves, the build-up, the ultimate release you feel when you enter that vulnerable space with someone. It can be intense and erotic, especially if the secrets are all about passion, desire, and sex. 

Those are the feelings that inspired a new kind of story available on Dipsea. In the *[Be the Voyeur](https://app.dipseastories.com/categories/be-the-voyeur-category)* row on the hompage, characters divulge steamy secrets to you, the listener, who’s also part of the story. Maybe it’s the story of a past hook-up, or about the night the narrator and listener first met. Whatever the situation is, the experience of listening to the story is one like no other. 

> Simply engaging with intimate content before interacting with someone is enough to loosen the lips and open the floodgates of our most classified information. 

But is it just the telling and hearing of secrets that feels sexy, or does feeling sexy also inspire one to air out their deepest, darkest, (sexiest?), secrets? As it turns out, it’s a bit of a chicken and the egg situation, at least according to science. 

A 2017 [study](http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167217695556) published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin concluded that you don’t need to be intimate with someone in order to bare your soul to them. Simply engaging with intimate content before interacting with someone is enough to loosen the lips and open the floodgates of our most classified information. 

The title of the paper pretty much says it all: “Sex Unleashes Your Tongue: Sexual Priming Motivates Self-Disclosure to a New Acquaintance and Interest in Future Interactions.” In the study, participants were put through three separate tests. 

In the first, they were shown either a sexy picture or something “neutral” and then asked to DM with someone about an event that occurred in their lives. In the second trial, participants were shown either a sexy (but not pornographic) video or a non-sexual video of a couple interacting, and then asked to talk in person about something embarrassing that happened to them (big second date vibes!). Finally, folks were shown either a video of Angelina Jolie and Antonia Banderas' characters having sex in the 2001 film *Original Sin* or a video of cats (not the 2019 film) and then asked to share with each other. 

In each of the three trials, the participants who were exposed to the more explicitly erotic content more readily shared intimate or otherwise vulnerable stories about their pasts, and also expressed a heightened interest in future interactions with the person they engaged with. So, not only does engaging in erotic content make you more vulnerable with a partner or potential partner, but it also increases your interest in getting to know them better. Does this mean everyone should be listening to Dipsea on their first dates? Probably!

And while none of the participants in the study went on to have sex (that we know of), it can be assumed that, for most people, all systems would be go after a vulnerable revelation. But we get it, telling secrets can be hard, especially in person. That’s why they’re called secrets. However, that’s also why, every once in a while, we give people the opportunity to practice over on our Instagram. In addition to our *[Be the Voyeur](https://app.dipseastories.com/categories/be-the-voyeur-category)* stories, we invite you share your sexiest secrets on our Instagram to make sure things don't stay pent-up inside forever!

With questions like “Describe the hottest sex you’ve ever had.” or “Have you ever been in love? How did it feel?” or “What’s one thing you find sexiest about yourself?” it’s no wonder that people are chomping at the bit to answer them. We share some of our favorite answers on our Instagram story, anonymously of course. Because you can’t time travel, here are a few of our favorite questions and their responses: 

### What’s one thing you find sexy about yourself?

*My confidence. It’s been quite awhile since I’ve felt good about how I look and value myself because of high school bullies and toxic exes. But now that I’m finally out of my shell again, I’ve learned to not care what others think or say about me. I even make a point to look in the mirror every morning and tell myself “You are beautiful.” “You are enough.”*

*I’m typically quite shy and soft spoken, but I’m the complete opposite as a lover. This usually takes my partners by surprise—in a good way. I love that I’m able to express myself confidently and freely with sex (hasn’t always been the case). I also love to please—so to me confidence + taking the time and care to be attentive/giving is sexy!* 

### Have you ever had a crush on someone off-limits?

*Of course! I still do—he’s in a relationship and so am I. I’m not sure if I would take the chance if the opportunity presented itself, but I fantasize about the possibility quite often. We’re both dancers—he’s super awkward and not really my type, but that’s exactly why I want him. Not for a relationship, but for a moment…or two ;)*

*I had a crush on my trainer. She told me she has a boyfriend, but they’re not living together. Invited me for a weekend drink and told me I could stay over at her place with one condition—that we had to share the bed. I ended up not staying over because I was a* 🐔

### What are your foreplay must-haves?

*Slow kisses and drawn out make-out sessions are so grounding. Nipple play is non-negotiable for me! I have amazing tits, and they need to be worshipped. Dirty talk is preferred and I love pre- and post-sex cuddles. As far as I’m concerned, foreplay is ongoing and doesn’t have an end bracket. Play with my hair and stroke my thigh under the table. Grab my ass at Whole Foods. Keep me ready.*

*Neck kisses, dirty talk, so much dirty talk, trailing fingers along my belly and thighs, teasing my vulva, and lustful looks.*

*It’s really varied. It can be regular things like cuddling, or sometimes it can be a wrestling match with biting and Dom/sub stuff before anyone even gets properly naked. Foreplay should be like lube—a necessity, but one that is fun and should be given the respect it deserves.*

*Teasing, gentle caresses, but also knowing when to roughly grab my hips or my arm and leave me wanting more. Feeling him hard behind me or under me still clothed. Slow passionate kisses, sigh* 😌

Want to submit a confession of your own? Hop into the Dipsea app on Sunday and check out that week’s question. Not ready just yet? Explore our Confessions stories below and ease yourself into the idea. Remember, practice makes perfect!

Simply engaging with intimate content before interacting with someone is enough to loosen the lips and open the floodgates of our most classified information. Here's the surprising link between sex and secrets. 

What's the link between have great sex and telling secrets?

Sex-and-Secrets

A surprising link between sex and secrets

Ready to explore your sexuality in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to connect with yourself in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=physicaltouchblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

If your favorite thing about being partnered up is the hugging, kissing, and cuddling that comes along with romantic love, then it's likely that physical touch is your love language. In other words, your way of saying and hearing “I love you” is through physical touch. 

Knowing this about yourself (or your partner) is incredibly useful when it comes to building confidence, intimacy, and security in a romantic relationship. It's also pretty useful to know the love languages of friends or family, as it can help you avoid conflict, manage expectations, and find better ways to communicate with each other. 

When it comes to navigating preferences for how to interact with your loved one(s), much is made of Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages.” In fact, the concept of love languages has resonated with so many people that he's written an [entire catalog of books](https://www.5lovelanguages.com/store) about the various relationship scenarios you may find yourself in—being in the military or a long-distance relationship, blended families, workplace scenarios, parents and children, etc. 

We'll go into the meaning and usefulness of knowing your love language and focus on what it means if you or your partner identify physical touch as a top love language. 

## “The 5 Love Languages”: Breaking it down

In “The 5 Love Languages,” Dr. Gary Chapman breaks down expressing love into five categories. The idea behind this is to help you and your partner identify your primary love languages in order to improve communication and [better empathize with each other](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-be-more-empathetic/). 

You and your partner's love languages don't have to match for you to be compatible partners (although it's a nice bonus). And if you have different love languages, it's really helpful to "speak their language" to show them that you care. 

The five love languages are: 

- __Physical touch__ — hugging, touching as you pass in the hall
- __Quality time__ — giving (or receiving) your (or your partner's) undivided attention when doing something together
- __Words of affirmation__ — saying (or hearing) "I love you," offering (or desiring) words of encouragement, or giving (or receiving) compliments
- __Acts of service__ — going out of your way to do a task for your partner (and/or vice versa)
- __Giving/receiving gifts__ — using gifts to let your partner (or you) know you're (or they're) thinking about them (or you) and love them (or you)

Knowing your partner’s love language doesn't mean you shouldn't show love in a way that comes naturally to you. If your partner loves physical touch, that doesn’t mean they hate getting gifts. It just means that you could really hone in on what's most meaningful to your partner when you're trying to send a message of love and support. And of course, the same goes for them and the way they "speak love" to you. 

You might read the above list and think, "I like all of these, is my love language all of them?" Surely we all appreciate everything on the list, but Chapman asserts that it's likely at least some are more important to you than others. If you spend time thinking about which things your partner does that mean the most to you, one “language” might stand out above the rest. You might also think about it in the reverse: What love language would you miss the most if your partner stopped offering that to you?

Chapman also points out that a person might have one primary love language for how they like to give love, which may or may not match up with how they like to receive it. For example, you might be naturally inclined to show love to your significant other by picking up a souvenir for them when you travel or surprising them with their favorite candy just because—gift-giving is the most meaningful way for you to express love for your partner. But receiving gifts is less exciting to you, and it would mean a lot more if they clean up after dinner and bring you a glass of wine unprompted. (That one is an act of service.) Make sense?

## The physical touch love language

If physical touch is your love language, it means that you're most assured and feel the most love when you're in physical contact with your partner. This doesn't necessarily mean sex, although it can. Sex is a healthy part of partnerships, but it's not quite the indicator we're looking for when it comes to communicating that you care about someone day to day. That type of communication doesn't have to be sexual at all. 

Like we said at the beginning, love languages are useful in all sorts of relationships, even non-romantic ones, so sex isn't the best metric to use. Plus, reasons for wanting to have sex can be varied (like de-stressing or trying for a child). It can be different from expressing deep, intimate love and connection (like casual sex). 

So, while sex is important, it's not going to be at the center of our conversation about the physical touch love language. Rather, it's one of many physical expressions of love to explore when your love language is physical touch.

Examples of using the physical touch love language include: 

- A back rub
- Holding hands
- A relaxing cuddle on the couch
- Kissing
- Sitting close enough to make physical contact
- Sex
- A nice snuggle in bed
- A pat on the shoulder or butt
- A gentle caress on the arm or leg
- Massage
- A squeeze of the knee
- Tickling 

You get the idea. Some of what we've listed can and might [lead to sex some of the time](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/), but again, doing any of the above doesn't mean that sex is the next logical step. Some of these are also pretty wonderful as [aftercare](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-with-aftercare/) after sex to wind down and increase intimacy (especially if physical touch is your number one!). It's also possible that some of these ways of touching sound amazing to you and others sound unappealing. 

## How do I know if my love language is physical touch?

If you're wondering whether you or your partner's "native tongue" is the physical touch love language, ask yourself a few questions:

- Do you love public displays of affection? 
- Do you feel closest to your partner when you're physically touching them? 
- Do you want to hold hands while taking a stroll in the park? 
- Do you look forward to cuddling on the couch at the end of a long day (more so than eating dinner together or telling each other how much you love each other)? 
- Do you believe that physical affection is the highest form of intimacy? 
- Do you find yourself reaching out to touch your partner for no reason throughout the day? 
- Do you feel seen when you get a pat on the shoulder or bum? 
- Does a kiss on the top of the head make you feel loved? 

If you answered yes to all or at least most of those questions, it's likely that physical touch is at the top of your love language list. Of course, the love language of physical touch can be expressed differently for different couples. 

It's definitely possible that you answered no to the PDA question but yes to all the others, for example. Some folks enjoy being lightly tickled, while others want to scream and run out of the room, even if they love other forms of touch. Having open communication about your love language and the details of how you prefer to express and receive that type of attention is just as important as communicating the details of any other aspect of your relationship. 

## Touching is good for your health

If you or your spouse's love language is physical touch, we have some more good news for you. There's a ton of research that shows how healthy it is to enjoy touch from someone you love. We know that [touching](https://www.dignityhealth.org/articles/facts-about-touch-how-human-contact-affects-your-health-and-relationships#:~:text=Hugging%20and%20other%20forms%20of,such%20as%20cortisol%20and%20norepinephrine.) (whether it's the sexy kind or not) can create a surge of serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin into your bloodstream. The first two are feel-good, stress-relieving hormones, while the third is known as the "bonding hormone."

Touch reinforces all these wonderful feelings of lightness and happiness you already knew you were having while flooding your brain with hormones that make you feel even more bonded to the person you're touching. Something as simple as holding hands will do the trick, and may even help with [pain reduction during childbirth](https://journals.lww.com/pain/Abstract/2019/09000/Brain_mechanisms_of_social_touch_induced_analgesia.17.aspx). Pretty profound, right? 

## Fill your love tank with physical touch

Now that you know all the ins and outs of the physical touch love language, where does it fall on your own list? What about your partner? What will you do to show your partner how much you love and care about them through physical touch?

All the love languages play a role in your life in some form or another, even if they come out in relationships other than the ones with your romantic partners. But when it comes to best understanding how you and your partner can develop a love that lasts, effective communication and the use of your primary love languages is an invaluable tool. If you're not sure which love language most speaks to you, head over to [Dipsea to find your self-love language](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/self-love-languages/listen).

If your favorite thing about being partnered up is the hugging, kissing, and cuddling that comes along with romantic love, then it's likely that physical touch is your love language. In other words, your way of saying and hearing “I love you” is through physical touch. 

Knowing this about yourself (or your partner) is incredibly useful when it comes to building confidence, intimacy, and security in a romantic relationship. It's also pretty useful to know the love languages of friends or family, as it can help you avoid conflict, manage expectations, and find better ways to communicate with each other. 

When it comes to navigating preferences for how to interact with your loved one(s), much is made of Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages.” In fact, the concept of love languages has resonated with so many people that he's written an [entire catalog of books](https://www.5lovelanguages.com/store) about the various relationship scenarios you may find yourself in—being in the military or a long-distance relationship, blended families, workplace scenarios, parents and children, etc. 

We'll go into the meaning and usefulness of knowing your love language and focus on what it means if you or your partner identify physical touch as a top love language. 

## “The 5 Love Languages”: Breaking it down

In “The 5 Love Languages,” Dr. Gary Chapman breaks down expressing love into five categories. The idea behind this is to help you and your partner identify your primary love languages in order to improve communication and [better empathize with each other](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-be-more-empathetic/). 

You and your partner's love languages don't have to match for you to be compatible partners (although it's a nice bonus). And if you have different love languages, it's really helpful to "speak their language" to show them that you care. 

The five love languages are: 

- __Physical touch__ — hugging, touching as you pass in the hall
- __Quality time__ — giving (or receiving) your (or your partner's) undivided attention when doing something together
- __Words of affirmation__ — saying (or hearing) "I love you," offering (or desiring) words of encouragement, or giving (or receiving) compliments
- __Acts of service__ — going out of your way to do a task for your partner (and/or vice versa)
- __Giving/receiving gifts__ — using gifts to let your partner (or you) know you're (or they're) thinking about them (or you) and love them (or you)

Knowing your partner’s love language doesn't mean you shouldn't show love in a way that comes naturally to you. If your partner loves physical touch, that doesn’t mean they hate getting gifts. It just means that you could really hone in on what's most meaningful to your partner when you're trying to send a message of love and support. And of course, the same goes for them and the way they "speak love" to you. 

You might read the above list and think, "I like all of these, is my love language all of them?" Surely we all appreciate everything on the list, but Chapman asserts that it's likely at least some are more important to you than others. If you spend time thinking about which things your partner does that mean the most to you, one “language” might stand out above the rest. You might also think about it in the reverse: What love language would you miss the most if your partner stopped offering that to you?

Chapman also points out that a person might have one primary love language for how they like to give love, which may or may not match up with how they like to receive it. For example, you might be naturally inclined to show love to your significant other by picking up a souvenir for them when you travel or surprising them with their favorite candy just because—gift-giving is the most meaningful way for you to express love for your partner. But receiving gifts is less exciting to you, and it would mean a lot more if they clean up after dinner and bring you a glass of wine unprompted. (That one is an act of service.) Make sense?

## The physical touch love language

If physical touch is your love language, it means that you're most assured and feel the most love when you're in physical contact with your partner. This doesn't necessarily mean sex, although it can. Sex is a healthy part of partnerships, but it's not quite the indicator we're looking for when it comes to communicating that you care about someone day to day. That type of communication doesn't have to be sexual at all. 

Like we said at the beginning, love languages are useful in all sorts of relationships, even non-romantic ones, so sex isn't the best metric to use. Plus, reasons for wanting to have sex can be varied (like de-stressing or trying for a child). It can be different from expressing deep, intimate love and connection (like casual sex). 

So, while sex is important, it's not going to be at the center of our conversation about the physical touch love language. Rather, it's one of many physical expressions of love to explore when your love language is physical touch.


Examples of using the physical touch love language include: 

- A back rub
- Holding hands
- A relaxing cuddle on the couch
- Kissing
- Sitting close enough to make physical contact
- Sex
- A nice snuggle in bed
- A pat on the shoulder or butt
- A gentle caress on the arm or leg
- Massage
- A squeeze of the knee
- Tickling 

You get the idea. Some of what we've listed can and might [lead to sex some of the time](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/), but again, doing any of the above doesn't mean that sex is the next logical step. Some of these are also pretty wonderful as [aftercare](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-with-aftercare/) after sex to wind down and increase intimacy (especially if physical touch is your number one!). It's also possible that some of these ways of touching sound amazing to you and others sound unappealing. 

## How do I know if my love language is physical touch?

If you're wondering whether you or your partner's "native tongue" is the physical touch love language, ask yourself a few questions:

- Do you love public displays of affection? 
- Do you feel closest to your partner when you're physically touching them? 
- Do you want to hold hands while taking a stroll in the park? 
- Do you look forward to cuddling on the couch at the end of a long day (more so than eating dinner together or telling each other how much you love each other)? 
- Do you believe that physical affection is the highest form of intimacy? 
- Do you find yourself reaching out to touch your partner for no reason throughout the day? 
- Do you feel seen when you get a pat on the shoulder or bum? 
- Does a kiss on the top of the head make you feel loved? 

If you answered yes to all or at least most of those questions, it's likely that physical touch is at the top of your love language list. Of course, the love language of physical touch can be expressed differently for different couples. 

It's definitely possible that you answered no to the PDA question but yes to all the others, for example. Some folks enjoy being lightly tickled, while others want to scream and run out of the room, even if they love other forms of touch. Having open communication about your love language and the details of how you prefer to express and receive that type of attention is just as important as communicating the details of any other aspect of your relationship. 

## Touching is good for your health

If you or your spouse's love language is physical touch, we have some more good news for you. There's a ton of research that shows how healthy it is to enjoy touch from someone you love. We know that [touching](https://www.dignityhealth.org/articles/facts-about-touch-how-human-contact-affects-your-health-and-relationships#:~:text=Hugging%20and%20other%20forms%20of,such%20as%20cortisol%20and%20norepinephrine.) (whether it's the sexy kind or not) can create a surge of serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin into your bloodstream. The first two are feel-good, stress-relieving hormones, while the third is known as the "bonding hormone."

Touch reinforces all these wonderful feelings of lightness and happiness you already knew you were having while flooding your brain with hormones that make you feel even more bonded to the person you're touching. Something as simple as holding hands will do the trick, and may even help with [pain reduction during childbirth](https://journals.lww.com/pain/Abstract/2019/09000/Brain_mechanisms_of_social_touch_induced_analgesia.17.aspx). Pretty profound, right? 

## Fill your love tank with physical touch

Now that you know all the ins and outs of the physical touch love language, where does it fall on your own list? What about your partner? What will you do to show your partner how much you love and care about them through physical touch?

All the love languages play a role in your life in some form or another, even if they come out in relationships other than the ones with your romantic partners. But when it comes to best understanding how you and your partner can develop a love that lasts, effective communication and the use of your primary love languages is an invaluable tool. If you're not sure which love language most speaks to you, head over to [Dipsea to find your self-love language](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/self-love-languages/listen).

This guide to the physical touch love language will help you determine if this is the way you best express or receive love in all types of relationships.

Physical touch love language 101: How to know if it’s yours

Physical-Touch (1)

Ready to connect with yourself in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Looking to reconnect with yourself or a partner? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=trustblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

When betrayal impacts your relationship, it can feel like a flock of angry geese made its way into your stomach. Your head spins with what-ifs, and your stomach clenches with every new question. You feel like running, or retching, or raving—or maybe all three. And you may wonder if it's possible to rebuild trust again.

Trust, or the belief that your partner is dependable, is [necessary for all social relationships](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3780904/), especially in romantic ones, which is why a breach of trust is so painful. 

When trust issues exist in a relationship, [jealousy and anxiety](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5380380/) can arise and further erode the bond. A lack of trust leads to an inability to be vulnerable and build intimacy with a person and negatively affects all aspects of the relationship, including physical intimacy. If you can't relax and trust that your partner has your best interests in mind, you may find it impossible to let go of inhibitions and enjoy sex. 

The good news is that while rebuilding trust in a romantic relationship is difficult, it's certainly not impossible. You may even wind up with a more robust connection once you're able to trust again. These five steps can help you and your partner rebuild trust and create the [healthy relationship you both deserve](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-stop-being-codependent/). 

*Note: If you're recovering from an abusive or otherwise harmful relationship, these tips don't apply. Take care of yourself and seek the help you need to move forward.*

## 5 steps to rebuild trust in your relationship

Betrayal is often the catalyst for broken trust in a relationship. The betrayal could be infidelity, lying about finances, or breaking some other agreed-upon boundary. Sometimes there isn't one thing that results in broken trust in a relationship, but several smaller events, such as your partner not doing the things they say they will. 

Whether trust erodes over time or disappears as a result of a specific event, taking the time to do the hard work of rebuilding trust can make your relationship even stronger than it was before. Here are some steps you and your partner can work through as you start your healing process. 

### 1. You may need to learn the truth

When a betrayal is a single event such as lying or infidelity, it may be necessary for the offended partner to know all the details. If lying is the main issue, a deep discussion where the offending partner spills the truth is a starting point to earning their partner's trust back. During this conversation, it's essential, to be honest about your feelings and give your partner validation for any emotions they share. 

If your partner tells you they lied about spending money because they worried about your reaction, it's crucial to let you know you hear them. A response like, "I understand that you lied because you were concerned that I'd be mad. Thank you for sharing the truth. I hope you continue to in the future," indicates that you think your partner's feelings are essential.  This response also focuses on expected future behavior rather than punishing past mistakes. 

When the betrayal is infidelity, some people find it easier to move forward without knowing all the details. Before asking a litany of questions, it may be a good idea to check in with yourself and decide if knowing facts will cause you more or less heartache. Getting professional help from a family therapist or couples counselor may help you make that decision. 

### 2. You have to release the anger

It's normal to feel anger when there is a breach of trust in your relationship.  However, anger is often a secondary emotion, which means it's covering up what we're feeling. Emotions such as fear, hurt, sadness, and grief are often difficult for us to sit with and process, so our brains and bodies jump to anger as a way of protecting ourselves. 

Those emotional walls don't allow you to rebuild trust in your relationship. If we hold all of those emotions inside, we're likely to burst open like a shaken soda bottle with little notice. You have to release the anger so you can make a fresh start. 

Once you know the details of the betrayal, you need to better understand your and your partner’s emotional state. To do this, try sitting quietly and turning inward to ask yourself what you're feeling. You can write any emotions that come to mind or even just write down how your body feels. These clues can help you figure out if your anger is covering up fear or grief. 

Once you know your emotional state, it's important to share it with your partner (so you don't explode). In a romantic relationship, all people involved must have an opportunity to share their feelings about a betrayal, even the offending person. Part of building trust in a relationship is opening up about your internal state and having that message received without judgment by a loved one. 

If your focus is on building trust and letting go of the anger, you have to be willing to actively listen as your partner shares their feelings, no matter how difficult they are to hear. Share how the betrayal impacted the relationship, any doubts you have now, and how you feel. Then, allow your partner to share and validate their reality. 

### 3. You must commit to rebuilding trust

If you and your partner decide you both want to rebuild trust in the relationship, you must move forward as autonomous individuals and as part of a team. You both have to be willing to fix what's broken, remain empathetic, and be open and vulnerable with each other again. 

If you're the one who was hurt, it can be difficult to open yourself up again. You may withhold absolute commitment out of fear that your partner will repeat the offending behavior. Holding back isn't conducive to creating the healthy relationship you both want. For the sake of the relationship, you'll need to work through your anxiety and fear. 

You may find it helpful to make a list of what's required to stay in the relationship. These boundaries should relate to the betrayal. For example, if your partner kissed someone else and you had a monogamous agreement, you'll want to work to define what monogamy means to you and share that with your partner. It's best to focus your statements on what you need. For example, "I need a relationship that is monogamous where we only kiss, touch, and have sex with one another." 

If you're the offending partner, you must apologize without making excuses or being defensive because that may cause further distrust. You'll have to commit to being honest and transparent going forward. Transparency may feel a bit intrusive, but for at least a while, you'll need to let your partner in on your daily activities. For example, if you lied about spending, it may be necessary for you to share all of your spendings with your partner so that they can see that you are committed to being open and honest. 

### 4. Focus on decisive action

Rebuilding trust will require forgiveness. Forgiveness is a decision to stop focusing on resentment or getting even with someone who has hurt you. Forgiveness is not easy and often requires significant effort, but it’s a gift you give yourself. Once you're able to forgive your partner, it'll help release you from negative emotions. 

Often the breach of trust is because of the actions of one person. However, there's usually more to the story. It's important to identify what went wrong in the relationship that led to the breach so you are able to rebuild trust. Even if you aren’t responsible for the betrayal, it’s important to listen and remain empathetic to what your partner has to share. 

Working to identify the underlying causes of the betrayal and fixing them so it doesn't happen again is vital to the long-term success of your relationship. At this stage, you both have to want the relationship to work. You’ll also need to share all of your thoughts about the process with your partner, so they aren't left guessing. This work is emotionally challenging, so consider attending couples therapy to help. 

### 5. Work on rebuilding the relationship together

Once you and your partner have decided to rebuild trust, identified what sort of relationship you want to have, and worked to express feelings and find forgiveness, it's time to rebuild your relationship. 

When your partner demonstrates they've listened to you and agree on the boundaries that you've set and they adhere to them, you must tell them you notice their effort. For example, if your partner lied about spending habits but is now sharing their spending with you regularly, praising them for it will let them know that you notice and appreciate their effort.

While you rebuild trust, don’t let fear and anger keep you from [fully engaging in the relationship](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/fear-of-intimacy/). Instead, treat the relationship like a brand new one where you offer trust as a default. 

Both partners will need to spend time engaging in personal growth during this period to address the issues that lead to betrayal or any residual emotions. You can accomplish personal growth through individual therapy, [guided meditation](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/better-sex-through-meditation/), reading (and implementing) self-help books, or working on improving your overall wellness. Basically, you need to work on yourself while you're working on the relationship. 

## The final step to rebuilding trust is to create shared experiences

Rebuilding a relationship after a breach of trust requires both partners to commit to the hard work and be honest about their emotional state. This process involves some individual work as you let go of anger, apologize, and work toward building a healthy relationship with a climate that invites vulnerability. 

As you move through this healing process, you'll also need to set aside time to be together and create [new shared experiences](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-bucket-list/). This is the fun part. You get to date each other again! Shared experiences help build intimacy which will help you let go of fear and embrace vulnerability. When you spend an enjoyable time with your partner, it can shift the energy in your relationship and make the work of rebuilding trust easier. 

If it's difficult for you to open up to your partner, or you aren't sure how to create positive experiences through the hurt, you may find [Dipsea's 36 question series](https://app.dipseastories.com/series/36-questions-series) helpful. In this three-part series, you play a game with your partner guided by a narrator. The narrator prompts you with questions about everything from what you find attractive to how you would respond to a proposed threesome. You'll even get to hear answers from real couples to help get you started.

When betrayal impacts your relationship, it can feel like a flock of angry geese made its way into your stomach. Your head spins with what-ifs, and your stomach clenches with every new question. You feel like running, or retching, or raving—or maybe all three. And you may wonder if it's possible to rebuild trust again.

Trust, or the belief that your partner is dependable, is [necessary for all social relationships](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3780904/), especially in romantic ones, which is why a breach of trust is so painful. 

When trust issues exist in a relationship, [jealousy and anxiety](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5380380/) can arise and further erode the bond. A lack of trust leads to an inability to be vulnerable and build intimacy with a person and negatively affects all aspects of the relationship, including physical intimacy. If you can't relax and trust that your partner has your best interests in mind, you may find it impossible to let go of inhibitions and enjoy sex. 

The good news is that while rebuilding trust in a romantic relationship is difficult, it's certainly not impossible. You may even wind up with a more robust connection once you're able to trust again. These five steps can help you and your partner rebuild trust and create the [healthy relationship you both deserve](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-stop-being-codependent/). 

*Note: If you're recovering from an abusive or otherwise harmful relationship, these tips don't apply. Take care of yourself and seek the help you need to move forward.*

## 5 steps to rebuild trust in your relationship

Betrayal is often the catalyst for broken trust in a relationship. The betrayal could be infidelity, lying about finances, or breaking some other agreed-upon boundary. Sometimes there isn't one thing that results in broken trust in a relationship, but several smaller events, such as your partner not doing the things they say they will. 

Whether trust erodes over time or disappears as a result of a specific event, taking the time to do the hard work of rebuilding trust can make your relationship even stronger than it was before. Here are some steps you and your partner can work through as you start your healing process. 

### 1. You may need to learn the truth

When a betrayal is a single event such as lying or infidelity, it may be necessary for the offended partner to know all the details. If lying is the main issue, a deep discussion where the offending partner spills the truth is a starting point to earning their partner's trust back. During this conversation, it's essential, to be honest about your feelings and give your partner validation for any emotions they share. 

If your partner tells you they lied about spending money because they worried about your reaction, it's crucial to let you know you hear them. A response like, "I understand that you lied because you were concerned that I'd be mad. Thank you for sharing the truth. I hope you continue to in the future," indicates that you think your partner's feelings are essential.  This response also focuses on expected future behavior rather than punishing past mistakes. 

When the betrayal is infidelity, some people find it easier to move forward without knowing all the details. Before asking a litany of questions, it may be a good idea to check in with yourself and decide if knowing facts will cause you more or less heartache. Getting professional help from a family therapist or couples counselor may help you make that decision. 

### 2. You have to release the anger

It's normal to feel anger when there is a breach of trust in your relationship.  However, anger is often a secondary emotion, which means it's covering up what we're feeling. Emotions such as fear, hurt, sadness, and grief are often difficult for us to sit with and process, so our brains and bodies jump to anger as a way of protecting ourselves. 

Those emotional walls don't allow you to rebuild trust in your relationship. If we hold all of those emotions inside, we're likely to burst open like a shaken soda bottle with little notice. You have to release the anger so you can make a fresh start. 

Once you know the details of the betrayal, you need to better understand your and your partner’s emotional state. To do this, try sitting quietly and turning inward to ask yourself what you're feeling. You can write any emotions that come to mind or even just write down how your body feels. These clues can help you figure out if your anger is covering up fear or grief. 

Once you know your emotional state, it's important to share it with your partner (so you don't explode). In a romantic relationship, all people involved must have an opportunity to share their feelings about a betrayal, even the offending person. Part of building trust in a relationship is opening up about your internal state and having that message received without judgment by a loved one. 

If your focus is on building trust and letting go of the anger, you have to be willing to actively listen as your partner shares their feelings, no matter how difficult they are to hear. Share how the betrayal impacted the relationship, any doubts you have now, and how you feel. Then, allow your partner to share and validate their reality. 

### 3. You must commit to rebuilding trust

If you and your partner decide you both want to rebuild trust in the relationship, you must move forward as autonomous individuals and as part of a team. You both have to be willing to fix what's broken, remain empathetic, and be open and vulnerable with each other again. 

If you're the one who was hurt, it can be difficult to open yourself up again. You may withhold absolute commitment out of fear that your partner will repeat the offending behavior. Holding back isn't conducive to creating the healthy relationship you both want. For the sake of the relationship, you'll need to work through your anxiety and fear. 

You may find it helpful to make a list of what's required to stay in the relationship. These boundaries should relate to the betrayal. For example, if your partner kissed someone else and you had a monogamous agreement, you'll want to work to define what monogamy means to you and share that with your partner. It's best to focus your statements on what you need. For example, "I need a relationship that is monogamous where we only kiss, touch, and have sex with one another." 

If you're the offending partner, you must apologize without making excuses or being defensive because that may cause further distrust. You'll have to commit to being honest and transparent going forward. Transparency may feel a bit intrusive, but for at least a while, you'll need to let your partner in on your daily activities. For example, if you lied about spending, it may be necessary for you to share all of your spendings with your partner so that they can see that you are committed to being open and honest. 

### 4. Focus on decisive action

Rebuilding trust will require forgiveness. Forgiveness is a decision to stop focusing on resentment or getting even with someone who has hurt you. Forgiveness is not easy and often requires significant effort, but it’s a gift you give yourself. Once you're able to forgive your partner, it'll help release you from negative emotions. 

Often the breach of trust is because of the actions of one person. However, there's usually more to the story. It's important to identify what went wrong in the relationship that led to the breach so you are able to rebuild trust. Even if you aren’t responsible for the betrayal, it’s important to listen and remain empathetic to what your partner has to share. 

Working to identify the underlying causes of the betrayal and fixing them so it doesn't happen again is vital to the long-term success of your relationship. At this stage, you both have to want the relationship to work. You’ll also need to share all of your thoughts about the process with your partner, so they aren't left guessing. This work is emotionally challenging, so consider attending couples therapy to help. 

### 5. Work on rebuilding the relationship together

Once you and your partner have decided to rebuild trust, identified what sort of relationship you want to have, and worked to express feelings and find forgiveness, it's time to rebuild your relationship. 

When your partner demonstrates they've listened to you and agree on the boundaries that you've set and they adhere to them, you must tell them you notice their effort. For example, if your partner lied about spending habits but is now sharing their spending with you regularly, praising them for it will let them know that you notice and appreciate their effort.

While you rebuild trust, don’t let fear and anger keep you from [fully engaging in the relationship](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/fear-of-intimacy/). Instead, treat the relationship like a brand new one where you offer trust as a default. 

Both partners will need to spend time engaging in personal growth during this period to address the issues that lead to betrayal or any residual emotions. You can accomplish personal growth through individual therapy, [guided meditation](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/better-sex-through-meditation/), reading (and implementing) self-help books, or working on improving your overall wellness. Basically, you need to work on yourself while you're working on the relationship. 

## The final step to rebuilding trust is to create shared experiences

Rebuilding a relationship after a breach of trust requires both partners to commit to the hard work and be honest about their emotional state. This process involves some individual work as you let go of anger, apologize, and work toward building a healthy relationship with a climate that invites vulnerability. 

As you move through this healing process, you'll also need to set aside time to be together and create [new shared experiences](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-bucket-list/). This is the fun part. You get to date each other again! Shared experiences help build intimacy which will help you let go of fear and embrace vulnerability. When you spend an enjoyable time with your partner, it can shift the energy in your relationship and make the work of rebuilding trust easier. 

If it's difficult for you to open up to your partner, or you aren't sure how to create positive experiences through the hurt, you may find [Dipsea's 36 question series](https://app.dipseastories.com/series/36-questions-series) helpful. In this three-part series, you play a game with your partner guided by a narrator. The narrator prompts you with questions about everything from what you find attractive to how you would respond to a proposed threesome. You'll even get to hear answers from real couples to help get you started.

While betrayal can erode intimacy, many couples can learn how to rebuild trust over time. This guide will help you gradually have faith in your partner again.

How to rebuild trust: 5 steps to recover from betrayal

Rebuild-Trust (1)

Looking to reconnect with yourself or a partner? Dipsea has you covered.

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to connect with yourself or a partner in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=empathyblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

Empathy is easier to feel than define. When someone demonstrates empathy toward you, it helps you feel seen, heard, and valued rather than judged or belittled. Empathy is one component of emotional intelligence. It comes naturally to some, and others have to work at it. The good news is that empathy is a skill that can be learned and refined. Learning how to be more empathetic will improve all of your relationships.

[Empathizing with your sexual](https://www.livescience.com/14498-emerging-adults-empathy-sexual-health-satisfaction.html) partner(s) will help you better tune into their needs and desires. Whether you're enjoying a [casual sexual relationship](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-make-casual-sex-meaningful/) or a more committed one, being able to read your partner's emotional and sexual responses and respond in kind will make the relationship more fulfilling.

Whether you don’t consider yourself to be particularly empathetic or already practice it but want to improve your ability to tune into your romantic partner specifically, read on to discover how empathy can improve your relationships, as well as some practical steps to make you a more empathetic person. 

## What is empathy?

Empathy is the ability to tune into and understand another person's emotional state. It improves communication because it makes you more likely to adjust your responses to other people’s feelings. 

Empathy is easily confused with sympathy. An easy way to tell the difference is to think of sympathy as feeling *for* someone and empathy as feeling *with* someone. When you sympathize with someone, you may say things like, "I can't imagine how hard that must be," while an empathetic response might be something like, "Wow, that sounds difficult. Tell me more about how that feels." 

Empathy recognizes the other person's perspective. It involves sitting in the person’s pain, grief, or anger (or elation and joy) and listening more than you talk. People with high levels of empathy don't interrupt to give experiences from their personal life. They have the self-awareness to hold back their own emotions and biases and place themselves in the other person's shoes. 

## The relational value of learning how to be more empathetic

Humans crave understanding and connection. When someone is having a hard time, an empath works to see the situation from that person’s point of view rather than sharing their own experiences. On a large scale, empathy can help you understand people from different backgrounds and prevent conflict. In your daily life, empathizing with others improves interpersonal relationships.

Empathetic responses are the most direct path to intimacy and vulnerability—two essential components of a satisfying relationship. You’ll improve your relationships with loved ones, co-workers, and family members when you practice empathy. They’ll trust that your reaction to the problems they share will be appropriate and kind. 

When you empathize with a sexual partner, it encourages them to open up to you because they trust that your response will be free of judgment. When your partner knows you won't judge them, they will feel safe sharing fantasies that can enrich your experience in the bedroom and beyond. 

## 7 ways to be more empathetic in your relationships

Empathy deepens connection and intimacy, which can improve your sex life. Empathy is a skill, and practicing it allows you to tune into your partner and read their facial expressions and body language during sex so you can do more of what they enjoy. Here are some strategies for increasing empathy so you can develop a closer emotional relationship and a more satisfying sex life with your partner(s). 

### 1. Pay attention to body language

People often hold back their true feelings during conversations with loved ones due to fear of judgment or reprisal. If your partner isn’t comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings, body language can provide a window into their authentic emotional state. But you have to be able to tune into what their body is saying. Learning to read body language and control your own can help you become more empathetic. 

When your partner crosses their arms and refuses to make eye contact, it indicates that they are distressed. The actual emotion could be anxiety, worry, fear, or insecurity. You may not be able to ascertain the exact feeling, but you can use body language as a sign that you need to dig deeper.

When you're pleasuring your partner, paying attention to how their body moves can help you discover how to please them, even if they aren’t ready to [give you explicit direction](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/dirty-talk-consent/). If they lean into your hand, let their eyes flutter closed, or grip the sheets, chances are you've found the right spot and touched it perfectly. Then, you can just keep doing more of what you’re doing.

### 2. Be curious

Another way to practice empathy is to demonstrate curiosity in what your partner shares with you. Asking open-ended follow-up questions can help avoid misunderstandings that derail communication. They also demonstrate a willingness to invest in another person's life. 

They don't have to be complex: "Tell me more," "How did that make you feel?" and "Is there anything else you want to share with me?" often work wonders for drawing someone out.

To deepen the emotional connection between you and your partner through empathetic responses, look for opportunities in everyday life to be curious. If your partner shares frustration about their workday, ask how they felt about it rather than stating how you feel about it. This demonstrates that you are listening, interested, and supportive. 

### 3. Examine your biases

If being empathetic is the basis of effective communication, then biases are the kryptonite. We walk around with a suitcase full of experiences that can manifest as unconscious biases that may impact relationships with our partner(s). The two types of biases that can derail relationships are [confirmation bias and negativity bias](https://www.gottman.com/blog/2-biases-may-hurting-relationship/). 

A confirmation bias is the tendency to pay attention to information that affirms what we already believe and filter out the rest. 

Suppose you think that your partner is satisfied with your sexual relationship. When your partner then initiates sex and gives you a few moans, you pay attention to that alone. However, the reality is that your partner is yearning to be more adventurous and is giving you signals in conversation. Still, you’re missing them because you're only listening to the things that confirm your belief that they're happy.

Being empathetic requires us to remain open to information our partner presents us and checking in with one another, even if their answers alter our perceived reality. 

Negativity bias explains why your partner remembers your negative comments and forgets the compliments and praise you shower on them. If you are critical of your partner somehow, it may take several positive interactions before they feel safe being vulnerable with you again. 

### 4. Keep an open mind

Being empathetic requires you to sit with someone in their reality rather than impose your reality on what they're saying or feeling. Keeping an open mind means that you are willing to admit that you might be mistaken regardless of how certain you thought you were. 

When your partner is willing to share their emotions with you, receiving those statements without judgment is essential. While they share, remain open-minded and look for opportunities to ask follow-up questions.

Let's say your partner wants to talk about that thing you do with your tongue. You know the one. You think your partner enjoys the thing, that's why you do it every time. But, your partner opens up and lets you know that they don't want the tongue thing at all and would prefer that you stop doing it. 

An open-minded, empathetic person will accept that feedback rather than get defensive. They’ll also believe their partner’s words and see their partner’s vulnerability as bravery. 

So, instead of saying, “But you said you had no issues with our sex life!” you’d say, “Thanks for your courage in sharing this with me. I didn’t realize it didn’t work for you, and now that I know, I’ll stop.” And to put the cherry on top, ask: “What’s [something you'd like me to try instead](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/mind-orgasm/)?”

Keeping an open mind will show your partner that you’re willing to hear what they say, adapt to their evolving needs, and learn from them. You'll deepen your emotional connection and start to understand what sorts of touch they enjoy and where (hint: try exploring these [erogenous zones together](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/)). Better connection and more pleasure mean you're all winning.

### 5. Practice listening skills

Listening and empathy have a lot in common, and it's nearly impossible to be empathetic without good listening skills. The goal of listening is to understand the message your partner is trying to communicate. Listening requires you to focus and eliminate preconceptions, think about what is said and put the speaker’s needs first. 

Try focusing on what your partner is saying and not thinking about your reply to practice listening well. If you're planning your reply, you aren't listening. Before you respond, spend a moment repeating back what you heard your partner say and ask any questions that come up. 

Try something like this: "I'm hearing you say you want to have sex a few more times a week. You feel upset that I've turned you down this week because you were feeling disconnected and wanted to fix that. Is that right?" If they confirm, you could say, "I'm really sorry for making you feel like I didn't want to connect with you. I imagine that stung a lot. How did that make you feel in the moment?"

It's easier said than done, but to practice this intentionally, avoid making it about you ("I only said no because I'm stressed!") or telling them they're wrong ("How can you feel disconnected? We ate dinner together every night this week!"). 

This will push your partner away because they feel misunderstood. The point of empathy is to validate another person's experience, and that often means letting go of the need to be right.

### 6. Learn to identify emotions

Allowing emotions to control your reactions can lead you astray during a conversation or an interaction with your partner(s). Emotions signal that we need to think about the situation, not that we need to react a certain way. Learning to identify your feelings can help you keep them in check to keep listening with an open mind. 

To work on identifying emotions, ask yourself what feelings you're having and write down any that come to mind. You might have a long list of emotions, and they may even contradict each other. Then, try to determine which feeling is the most powerful. 

If you aren’t able to identify how you’re feeling, start by writing down how your body feels. Are your shoulders tense? Is your jaw clenched? Is your breathing shallow? Is your heart racing? The answers to these questions can give you clues to your emotional state. 

Being able to identify your emotions will help you identify what your partner is feeling. When you understand the feelings of others, it's easier to see things from their perspective, which is the whole point of empathy. 

### 7. Consume media that improves your emotional intelligence

The type of media we consume can influence how we see the world. If you're constantly on your phone scrolling through your social media feed, you might miss signals from those around you. You can't tune into what people are saying or feeling if you aren't watching them. The more time you spend on your screen, the less time you might spend practicing empathy. 

In our media-centered society, staying off your phone and computer isn’t realistic, nor is it necessary! You can use your devices to practice empathy. If you use social media to foster connections or keep in touch with distant friends and family members, you can practice your empathy skills by reading their stories and engaging with them. You can also choose to interact with people on social media from different backgrounds and perspectives than your own. Broadening your interactions can help you recognize your biases and become more open-minded and inclusive. 

Even if your media of choice is television, choosing the right media type can help you practice reading emotions and body language—two critical components of becoming more empathetic. Research indicates that watching [fictional shows](https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/watching_tv_can_boost_emotional_intelligence) like dramas requires you to determine characters’ feelings to follow the plot, increasing your emotional intelligence.

## How to be more empathetic? Take care of your needs first

Empathy requires you to put effort into understanding someone else's perspective and feelings. You can't possibly do that if you haven't taken care of your well-being first. Taking care of yourself may mean confronting issues in your own life, examining your emotions, triggers, and biases, and working to overcome them so you can show empathy when needed. 

Sometimes when we try to listen to others, the conversation can inadvertently trigger negative feelings for us. When we’re triggered, we stop listening, and our ability to empathize shuts down. This may cause us to judge others instead of holding a safe space for them to share and feel understood. If being empathetic is a struggle for you, or you just want to ensure that your [self-care is on point](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/dipsea-wellness-sessions-audio/) so you can be the best friend, family member, and partner possible, Dipsea can help. 

In our Tough Love series, Freddie walks you through a series of guided meditations designed to help you with everything from [living without regret](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/day-2-no-regrets) to eliminating the habit of [comparing yourself to others](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/day-6-quit-comparing). When you focus on self-awareness and improving your emotional state, you are better able to show empathy to others.

Empathy is easier to feel than define. When someone demonstrates empathy toward you, it helps you feel seen, heard, and valued rather than judged or belittled. Empathy is one component of emotional intelligence. It comes naturally to some, and others have to work at it. The good news is that empathy is a skill that can be learned and refined. Learning how to be more empathetic will improve all of your relationships.

[Empathizing with your sexual](https://www.livescience.com/14498-emerging-adults-empathy-sexual-health-satisfaction.html) partner(s) will help you better tune into their needs and desires. Whether you're enjoying a [casual sexual relationship](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-make-casual-sex-meaningful/) or a more committed one, being able to read your partner's emotional and sexual responses and respond in kind will make the relationship more fulfilling.

Whether you don’t consider yourself to be particularly empathetic or already practice it but want to improve your ability to tune into your romantic partner specifically, read on to discover how empathy can improve your relationships, as well as some practical steps to make you a more empathetic person. 

## What is empathy?

Empathy is the ability to tune into and understand another person's emotional state. It improves communication because it makes you more likely to adjust your responses to other people’s feelings. 

Empathy is easily confused with sympathy. An easy way to tell the difference is to think of sympathy as feeling *for* someone and empathy as feeling *with* someone. When you sympathize with someone, you may say things like, "I can't imagine how hard that must be," while an empathetic response might be something like, "Wow, that sounds difficult. Tell me more about how that feels." 

Empathy recognizes the other person's perspective. It involves sitting in the person’s pain, grief, or anger (or elation and joy) and listening more than you talk. People with high levels of empathy don't interrupt to give experiences from their personal life. They have the self-awareness to hold back their own emotions and biases and place themselves in the other person's shoes. 

## The relational value of learning how to be more empathetic

Humans crave understanding and connection. When someone is having a hard time, an empath works to see the situation from that person’s point of view rather than sharing their own experiences. On a large scale, empathy can help you understand people from different backgrounds and prevent conflict. In your daily life, empathizing with others improves interpersonal relationships.

Empathetic responses are the most direct path to intimacy and vulnerability—two essential components of a satisfying relationship. You’ll improve your relationships with loved ones, co-workers, and family members when you practice empathy. They’ll trust that your reaction to the problems they share will be appropriate and kind. 

When you empathize with a sexual partner, it encourages them to open up to you because they trust that your response will be free of judgment. When your partner knows you won't judge them, they will feel safe sharing fantasies that can enrich your experience in the bedroom and beyond. 

## 7 ways to be more empathetic in your relationships

Empathy deepens connection and intimacy, which can improve your sex life. Empathy is a skill, and practicing it allows you to tune into your partner and read their facial expressions and body language during sex so you can do more of what they enjoy. Here are some strategies for increasing empathy so you can develop a closer emotional relationship and a more satisfying sex life with your partner(s). 

### 1. Pay attention to body language

People often hold back their true feelings during conversations with loved ones due to fear of judgment or reprisal. If your partner isn’t comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings, body language can provide a window into their authentic emotional state. But you have to be able to tune into what their body is saying. Learning to read body language and control your own can help you become more empathetic. 

When your partner crosses their arms and refuses to make eye contact, it indicates that they are distressed. The actual emotion could be anxiety, worry, fear, or insecurity. You may not be able to ascertain the exact feeling, but you can use body language as a sign that you need to dig deeper.

When you're pleasuring your partner, paying attention to how their body moves can help you discover how to please them, even if they aren’t ready to [give you explicit direction](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/dirty-talk-consent/). If they lean into your hand, let their eyes flutter closed, or grip the sheets, chances are you've found the right spot and touched it perfectly. Then, you can just keep doing more of what you’re doing.

### 2. Be curious

Another way to practice empathy is to demonstrate curiosity in what your partner shares with you. Asking open-ended follow-up questions can help avoid misunderstandings that derail communication. They also demonstrate a willingness to invest in another person's life. 

They don't have to be complex: "Tell me more," "How did that make you feel?" and "Is there anything else you want to share with me?" often work wonders for drawing someone out.

To deepen the emotional connection between you and your partner through empathetic responses, look for opportunities in everyday life to be curious. If your partner shares frustration about their workday, ask how they felt about it rather than stating how you feel about it. This demonstrates that you are listening, interested, and supportive. 

### 3. Examine your biases

If being empathetic is the basis of effective communication, then biases are the kryptonite. We walk around with a suitcase full of experiences that can manifest as unconscious biases that may impact relationships with our partner(s). The two types of biases that can derail relationships are [confirmation bias and negativity bias](https://www.gottman.com/blog/2-biases-may-hurting-relationship/). 

A confirmation bias is the tendency to pay attention to information that affirms what we already believe and filter out the rest. 

Suppose you think that your partner is satisfied with your sexual relationship. When your partner then initiates sex and gives you a few moans, you pay attention to that alone. However, the reality is that your partner is yearning to be more adventurous and is giving you signals in conversation. Still, you’re missing them because you're only listening to the things that confirm your belief that they're happy.

Being empathetic requires us to remain open to information our partner presents us and checking in with one another, even if their answers alter our perceived reality. 

Negativity bias explains why your partner remembers your negative comments and forgets the compliments and praise you shower on them. If you are critical of your partner somehow, it may take several positive interactions before they feel safe being vulnerable with you again. 

### 4. Keep an open mind

Being empathetic requires you to sit with someone in their reality rather than impose your reality on what they're saying or feeling. Keeping an open mind means that you are willing to admit that you might be mistaken regardless of how certain you thought you were. 

When your partner is willing to share their emotions with you, receiving those statements without judgment is essential. While they share, remain open-minded and look for opportunities to ask follow-up questions.

Let's say your partner wants to talk about that thing you do with your tongue. You know the one. You think your partner enjoys the thing, that's why you do it every time. But, your partner opens up and lets you know that they don't want the tongue thing at all and would prefer that you stop doing it. 

An open-minded, empathetic person will accept that feedback rather than get defensive. They’ll also believe their partner’s words and see their partner’s vulnerability as bravery. 

So, instead of saying, “But you said you had no issues with our sex life!” you’d say, “Thanks for your courage in sharing this with me. I didn’t realize it didn’t work for you, and now that I know, I’ll stop.” And to put the cherry on top, ask: “What’s [something you'd like me to try instead](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/mind-orgasm/)?”

Keeping an open mind will show your partner that you’re willing to hear what they say, adapt to their evolving needs, and learn from them. You'll deepen your emotional connection and start to understand what sorts of touch they enjoy and where (hint: try exploring these [erogenous zones together](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/)). Better connection and more pleasure mean you're all winning.

### 5. Practice listening skills

Listening and empathy have a lot in common, and it's nearly impossible to be empathetic without good listening skills. The goal of listening is to understand the message your partner is trying to communicate. Listening requires you to focus and eliminate preconceptions, think about what is said and put the speaker’s needs first. 

Try focusing on what your partner is saying and not thinking about your reply to practice listening well. If you're planning your reply, you aren't listening. Before you respond, spend a moment repeating back what you heard your partner say and ask any questions that come up. 

Try something like this: "I'm hearing you say you want to have sex a few more times a week. You feel upset that I've turned you down this week because you were feeling disconnected and wanted to fix that. Is that right?" If they confirm, you could say, "I'm really sorry for making you feel like I didn't want to connect with you. I imagine that stung a lot. How did that make you feel in the moment?"

It's easier said than done, but to practice this intentionally, avoid making it about you ("I only said no because I'm stressed!") or telling them they're wrong ("How can you feel disconnected? We ate dinner together every night this week!"). 

This will push your partner away because they feel misunderstood. The point of empathy is to validate another person's experience, and that often means letting go of the need to be right.

### 6. Learn to identify emotions

Allowing emotions to control your reactions can lead you astray during a conversation or an interaction with your partner(s). Emotions signal that we need to think about the situation, not that we need to react a certain way. Learning to identify your feelings can help you keep them in check to keep listening with an open mind. 

To work on identifying emotions, ask yourself what feelings you're having and write down any that come to mind. You might have a long list of emotions, and they may even contradict each other. Then, try to determine which feeling is the most powerful. 

If you aren’t able to identify how you’re feeling, start by writing down how your body feels. Are your shoulders tense? Is your jaw clenched? Is your breathing shallow? Is your heart racing? The answers to these questions can give you clues to your emotional state. 

Being able to identify your emotions will help you identify what your partner is feeling. When you understand the feelings of others, it's easier to see things from their perspective, which is the whole point of empathy. 

### 7. Consume media that improves your emotional intelligence

The type of media we consume can influence how we see the world. If you're constantly on your phone scrolling through your social media feed, you might miss signals from those around you. You can't tune into what people are saying or feeling if you aren't watching them. The more time you spend on your screen, the less time you might spend practicing empathy. 

In our media-centered society, staying off your phone and computer isn’t realistic, nor is it necessary! You can use your devices to practice empathy. If you use social media to foster connections or keep in touch with distant friends and family members, you can practice your empathy skills by reading their stories and engaging with them. You can also choose to interact with people on social media from different backgrounds and perspectives than your own. Broadening your interactions can help you recognize your biases and become more open-minded and inclusive. 

Even if your media of choice is television, choosing the right media type can help you practice reading emotions and body language—two critical components of becoming more empathetic. Research indicates that watching [fictional shows](https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/watching_tv_can_boost_emotional_intelligence) like dramas requires you to determine characters’ feelings to follow the plot, increasing your emotional intelligence.

## How to be more empathetic? Take care of your needs first

Empathy requires you to put effort into understanding someone else's perspective and feelings. You can't possibly do that if you haven't taken care of your well-being first. Taking care of yourself may mean confronting issues in your own life, examining your emotions, triggers, and biases, and working to overcome them so you can show empathy when needed. 

Sometimes when we try to listen to others, the conversation can inadvertently trigger negative feelings for us. When we’re triggered, we stop listening, and our ability to empathize shuts down. This may cause us to judge others instead of holding a safe space for them to share and feel understood. If being empathetic is a struggle for you, or you just want to ensure that your [self-care is on point](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/dipsea-wellness-sessions-audio/) so you can be the best friend, family member, and partner possible, Dipsea can help. 

In our Tough Love series, Freddie walks you through a series of guided meditations designed to help you with everything from [living without regret](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/day-2-no-regrets) to eliminating the habit of [comparing yourself to others](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/day-6-quit-comparing). When you focus on self-awareness and improving your emotional state, you are better able to show empathy to others.

Empathy is a vital skill, but it's not easily learned overnight. These tips for how to be more empathetic will get you on the path to being a better partner.

How to be more empathetic in relationships (& have better sex)

Empathetic-In-Relationship

Ready to connect with yourself or a partner in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to explore a new way to connect with yourself or a partner? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=codependentblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

If you consistently find yourself in relationships with people who are about as emotionally available as an ice-cold lake in the middle of a hot desert, you may have codependent tendencies. 

Codependent individuals often ignore their own needs and spend most of their time trying to manage others. If this sounds like you, you may wonder how to stop being codependent so you can develop a more healthy relationship model in the future. 

Codependence can trigger intense anxiety and other mental health problems. It may even affect your physical health, manifesting as fatigue or decreased appetite. [Codependent behaviors](https://www.mhanational.org/co-dependency) can even cause you to stop caring for your own needs as you focus all your attention on the other person. 

Ignoring your own needs is a surefire way to make your sex life less satisfying. If you’re always worried about pleasing your partner(s) instead of yourself, you may find yourself [faking orgasms](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/stop-obsessing-over-orgasms/) (please don't!). You might even perform sexual acts you aren't really into (also, please don't!). Here at Dipsea, we're all about helping you cultivate a sex life that allows you to openly share and enjoy the sex you want (partnered or not).

Learning how to stop being codependent will help you build healthier relationships with people willing to return the energy you put into the partnership. It may also improve your sex life, which is reason enough to work through codependent patterns! 

Let’s explore the definition of a codependent relationship, examine some of the signs of codependency, and detail strategies for moving from codependent patterns to healthy romantic relationships. 

## 5 questions to determine if you’re in a codependent relationship

Codependent relationships are dysfunctional because one person ignores their needs, and the other takes advantage of them. Of course, taking care of your partner isn't inherently unhealthy. Still, there are some signs of codependency you should be aware of so you can maintain healthy boundaries in your partnership.

### 1. Do you have trouble trusting yourself?

Codependent individuals often have trouble trusting their intuition. If your partner's words or actions make you question your emotions or even your memories of an event, you may be involved in a codependent relationship. This lack of self-trust can affect your mental health and lead to low self-esteem.

Questioning yourself often happens after your partner has [used gaslighting](https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/gaslighting) to draw your attention away from their poor behavior. For example, if you know you and your partner made plans, but they don't show up and say you must’ve been mistaken, they’re trying to distract you from their poor behavior.

### 2. Are you putting more effort, energy, and emotion into a relationship than you get out of it?

People who are susceptible to codependency are those who have a naturally caring and giving heart. That's not a bad thing! But, sometimes, we wind up in relationships with people who take advantage of our generosity. 

Suppose your partner expects their schedule to be more important than yours, doesn't introduce you to friends and family, is easily defensive, or generally drains you emotionally. If this is the case, they might be taking advantage of you. 

### 3. Are you constantly feeling anxious about the relationship?

In a codependent relationship, you may find yourself wondering about the state of your relationship on an endless loop. Anxiety about the state of your connection with another person occupying all your mental energy is a sign that things aren’t right. 

In a relationship with mutual affection and healthy boundaries, everyone should discuss how they feel and what they want from the partnership. If your loved one pulls away when you try to discuss feelings, which causes you to stop trying, your relationship may be codependent.

### 4. Do you spend too much time and effort trying to please your partner?

Codependents are people pleasers. A codependent person may spend excessive time managing things, so their partner is happy and fulfilled instead of worrying about their own satisfaction. We aren’t saying you shouldn't consider your partner’s happiness, but it should never supersede your own. 

For example, you should never cancel plans with friends because you worry your partner will be upset. A healthy relationship allows for both partners to have outside interests. 

### 5. Do you change yourself to conform to what you think your partner wants?

Codependent individuals often give up their identity for a relationship. If you find yourself pretending to like the same things as your partner (when you definitely don't), you may be struggling with codependency. 

Do you give up your preferred activities because you think it will endear you to them? For example, you give up Saturday morning hikes with your dog to watch your partner’s football team play (an activity you hate) because you want them to love you. This behavior is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. 

## 3 causes of codependency

If you find yourself falling into codependent patterns, chances are it took some time to build those tendencies. Learning how to stop being codependent will take time as well. Codependent behaviors typically begin in childhood and are reinforced by other relationships as we grow. 

Codependency often has roots in an unhealthy family dynamic involving secrecy, blaming, manipulation, or coddling and can be passed down from parents to children. Children of codependents are often codependents themselves. People with codependent tendencies learned their needs don't matter or feel they cause problems in the family. The adult children then seek relationships that fit into those ideas. 

Many different experiences can contribute to codependent tendencies, and having an unhealthy family dynamic doesn’t automatically make someone codependent. That said, here are three common causes.

### 1. Substance abuse among family members

Children of people with addiction issues witness enabling, which shields the addict from their destructive behaviors. When children spend time taking care of adult responsibilities due to addiction, it can cause them to develop many codependent tendencies. Adult children of addicts may even seek out relationships with addicts because it feels familiar to them. 

### 2. Emotional neglect or abuse

When a parent cannot adequately care for a child's emotional needs due to addiction, mental health issues, or other concerns, it can lead to low self-worth and codependent behaviors. 

Sometimes children who take on adult roles too early, like caring for younger siblings, can develop patterns where they ignore their own needs in favor of helping others. Helping others isn't the problem. Ignoring your own needs is. The goal in a relationship is to have everyone's needs met, not to have one person ignore their well-being. 

### 3. Overprotective parents

A parent's job is to provide enough support for a child to grow and learn to trust themselves. The opposite of neglectful parents are those who indulge children so much they don't learn to care for themselves. Both extremes can lead to codependent tendencies.

If parents refuse to allow a child to take risks, such as learning to ride a bike, they may not trust themselves. Lack of self-trust can lead a person to avoid setting boundaries and develop unhealthy relationships. 

When parents fail to teach children life skills such as doing laundry, the child will not feel prepared for adulthood. Lack of preparedness may cause people to seek a codependent relationship with someone who will care for them.

## How to stop being codependent in a relationship

Knowing where your behavior patterns come from will help you identify your triggers and help you learn to set boundaries with romantic partners, building the healthy relationship you deserve.

If you're in a codependent relationship, you don’t necessarily [have to break up](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-have-a-healthy-breakup-according-to-a-relationship-expert/)—it's not hopeless. With the proper support, you and your partner can undo codependent patterns and work together to build a satisfying partnership. 

### Learn what healthy relationships look like

Healthy relationships allow each person to retain their identity while providing mutual support. There’s a give and take of emotional, mental, and physical resources in healthy relationships, which allow everyone to feel loved. In these relationships, your self-esteem is not dependent on the other person because you have [enough self-love](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/body-neutrality/) to set boundaries and continue living your own life no matter how serious you and your boo get. 

### Focus on your needs

The key to overcoming codependent tendencies is to put the focus on your own needs and well-being. We aren’t saying you should ignore others—think of it as “me too” instead of “me first.” 

You may need to spend some time figuring out what your needs and desires are, as many codependent individuals have trouble identifying them. Meditating is a great way to [silence your thoughts](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/better-sex-through-meditation/) and tune out the world around you so you can gain clarity about your needs.  

### Set boundaries, boundaries, and more healthy boundaries

Boundaries don’t keep loved ones at arm’s length. [Boundaries are guidelines](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/setting-boundaries/) we use to allow relationships to flourish while maintaining our identities and priorities. Boundaries can help ensure you protect your needs while loving your partner. 

People often set boundaries within their relationships about finances, physical touch, communication, or work. For example, if you’ve often found yourself having sex when you aren’t in the mood, you might be putting too much emphasis on your partner’s needs or assuming they’ll be mad at you if you say no. You might set a boundary to only have sex when you really want to in order to contribute to your recovery from codependency. 

The boundaries you need to feel safe, secure, and happy will depend on your values. Learning to set boundaries can help you be independent while knowing you can rely on support from your partner when you need it. 

### Find support for your recovery 

Since many codependent individuals have a familial history of addiction, some find support groups helpful. [Codependents Anonymous](https://coda.org/) was started to help the families of addicts recover from codependency. They now offer support to any codependent person. The organization provides support from people sharing the same struggles through meetings and shared resources. The meetings take place in person, online, and over the phone.  

You may want to get professional help from a therapist to help you figure out what your needs are and how best to meet them as an autonomous individual. Couples therapy is a good idea if you have a partner. Individual in-person or online therapy can help if you’re solo and preparing to create healthy relationships in the future. 

## Recovering from codependency is worth the work

The process of undoing codependent tendencies is difficult and emotional, but it’s worth it. Once you’ve acknowledged your codependent behaviors and started working through them, you’ll feel empowered in your relationships. 

There’s sure to be forward motion and setbacks as you heal, so give yourself some grace. If you're looking for help dealing with all of the [emotions that pop up](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/day-1-balance-your-emotions/listen) as you work through codependency, guided meditation from Dipsea may help. Listen as our narrators [guide you through exercises](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/day-2-shake-it-off) designed to help you calm down, recenter, and focus on your goals.


If you consistently find yourself in relationships with people who are about as emotionally available as an ice-cold lake in the middle of a hot desert, you may have codependent tendencies. 

Codependent individuals often ignore their own needs and spend most of their time trying to manage others. If this sounds like you, you may wonder how to stop being codependent so you can develop a more healthy relationship model in the future. 

Codependence can trigger intense anxiety and other mental health problems. It may even affect your physical health, manifesting as fatigue or decreased appetite. [Codependent behaviors](https://www.mhanational.org/co-dependency) can even cause you to stop caring for your own needs as you focus all your attention on the other person. 

Ignoring your own needs is a surefire way to make your sex life less satisfying. If you’re always worried about pleasing your partner(s) instead of yourself, you may find yourself [faking orgasms](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/stop-obsessing-over-orgasms/) (please don't!). You might even perform sexual acts you aren't really into (also, please don't!). Here at Dipsea, we're all about helping you cultivate a sex life that allows you to openly share and enjoy the sex you want (partnered or not).

Learning how to stop being codependent will help you build healthier relationships with people willing to return the energy you put into the partnership. It may also improve your sex life, which is reason enough to work through codependent patterns! 

Let’s explore the definition of a codependent relationship, examine some of the signs of codependency, and detail strategies for moving from codependent patterns to healthy romantic relationships. 

## 5 questions to determine if you’re in a codependent relationship

Codependent relationships are dysfunctional because one person ignores their needs, and the other takes advantage of them. Of course, taking care of your partner isn't inherently unhealthy. Still, there are some signs of codependency you should be aware of so you can maintain healthy boundaries in your partnership.

### 1. Do you have trouble trusting yourself?

Codependent individuals often have trouble trusting their intuition. If your partner's words or actions make you question your emotions or even your memories of an event, you may be involved in a codependent relationship. This lack of self-trust can affect your mental health and lead to low self-esteem.

Questioning yourself often happens after your partner has [used gaslighting](https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/gaslighting) to draw your attention away from their poor behavior. For example, if you know you and your partner made plans, but they don't show up and say you must’ve been mistaken, they’re trying to distract you from their poor behavior.

### 2. Are you putting more effort, energy, and emotion into a relationship than you get out of it?

People who are susceptible to codependency are those who have a naturally caring and giving heart. That's not a bad thing! But, sometimes, we wind up in relationships with people who take advantage of our generosity. 

Suppose your partner expects their schedule to be more important than yours, doesn't introduce you to friends and family, is easily defensive, or generally drains you emotionally. If this is the case, they might be taking advantage of you. 

### 3. Are you constantly feeling anxious about the relationship?

In a codependent relationship, you may find yourself wondering about the state of your relationship on an endless loop. Anxiety about the state of your connection with another person occupying all your mental energy is a sign that things aren’t right. 

In a relationship with mutual affection and healthy boundaries, everyone should discuss how they feel and what they want from the partnership. If your loved one pulls away when you try to discuss feelings, which causes you to stop trying, your relationship may be codependent.

### 4. Do you spend too much time and effort trying to please your partner?

Codependents are people pleasers. A codependent person may spend excessive time managing things, so their partner is happy and fulfilled instead of worrying about their own satisfaction. We aren’t saying you shouldn't consider your partner’s happiness, but it should never supersede your own. 

For example, you should never cancel plans with friends because you worry your partner will be upset. A healthy relationship allows for both partners to have outside interests. 

### 5. Do you change yourself to conform to what you think your partner wants?

Codependent individuals often give up their identity for a relationship. If you find yourself pretending to like the same things as your partner (when you definitely don't), you may be struggling with codependency. 

Do you give up your preferred activities because you think it will endear you to them? For example, you give up Saturday morning hikes with your dog to watch your partner’s football team play (an activity you hate) because you want them to love you. This behavior is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. 

## 3 causes of codependency

If you find yourself falling into codependent patterns, chances are it took some time to build those tendencies. Learning how to stop being codependent will take time as well. Codependent behaviors typically begin in childhood and are reinforced by other relationships as we grow. 

Codependency often has roots in an unhealthy family dynamic involving secrecy, blaming, manipulation, or coddling and can be passed down from parents to children. Children of codependents are often codependents themselves. People with codependent tendencies learned their needs don't matter or feel they cause problems in the family. The adult children then seek relationships that fit into those ideas. 

Many different experiences can contribute to codependent tendencies, and having an unhealthy family dynamic doesn’t automatically make someone codependent. That said, here are three common causes.

### 1. Substance abuse among family members

Children of people with addiction issues witness enabling, which shields the addict from their destructive behaviors. When children spend time taking care of adult responsibilities due to addiction, it can cause them to develop many codependent tendencies. Adult children of addicts may even seek out relationships with addicts because it feels familiar to them. 

### 2. Emotional neglect or abuse

When a parent cannot adequately care for a child's emotional needs due to addiction, mental health issues, or other concerns, it can lead to low self-worth and codependent behaviors. 

Sometimes children who take on adult roles too early, like caring for younger siblings, can develop patterns where they ignore their own needs in favor of helping others. Helping others isn't the problem. Ignoring your own needs is. The goal in a relationship is to have everyone's needs met, not to have one person ignore their well-being. 

### 3. Overprotective parents

A parent's job is to provide enough support for a child to grow and learn to trust themselves. The opposite of neglectful parents are those who indulge children so much they don't learn to care for themselves. Both extremes can lead to codependent tendencies.

If parents refuse to allow a child to take risks, such as learning to ride a bike, they may not trust themselves. Lack of self-trust can lead a person to avoid setting boundaries and develop unhealthy relationships. 

When parents fail to teach children life skills such as doing laundry, the child will not feel prepared for adulthood. Lack of preparedness may cause people to seek a codependent relationship with someone who will care for them.

## How to stop being codependent in a relationship

Knowing where your behavior patterns come from will help you identify your triggers and help you learn to set boundaries with romantic partners, building the healthy relationship you deserve.

If you're in a codependent relationship, you don’t necessarily [have to break up](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-have-a-healthy-breakup-according-to-a-relationship-expert/)—it's not hopeless. With the proper support, you and your partner can undo codependent patterns and work together to build a satisfying partnership. 

### Learn what healthy relationships look like

Healthy relationships allow each person to retain their identity while providing mutual support. There’s a give and take of emotional, mental, and physical resources in healthy relationships, which allow everyone to feel loved. In these relationships, your self-esteem is not dependent on the other person because you have [enough self-love](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/body-neutrality/) to set boundaries and continue living your own life no matter how serious you and your boo get. 

### Focus on your needs

The key to overcoming codependent tendencies is to put the focus on your own needs and well-being. We aren’t saying you should ignore others—think of it as “me too” instead of “me first.” 

You may need to spend some time figuring out what your needs and desires are, as many codependent individuals have trouble identifying them. Meditating is a great way to [silence your thoughts](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/better-sex-through-meditation/) and tune out the world around you so you can gain clarity about your needs.  

### Set boundaries, boundaries, and more healthy boundaries

Boundaries don’t keep loved ones at arm’s length. [Boundaries are guidelines](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/setting-boundaries/) we use to allow relationships to flourish while maintaining our identities and priorities. Boundaries can help ensure you protect your needs while loving your partner. 

People often set boundaries within their relationships about finances, physical touch, communication, or work. For example, if you’ve often found yourself having sex when you aren’t in the mood, you might be putting too much emphasis on your partner’s needs or assuming they’ll be mad at you if you say no. You might set a boundary to only have sex when you really want to in order to contribute to your recovery from codependency. 

The boundaries you need to feel safe, secure, and happy will depend on your values. Learning to set boundaries can help you be independent while knowing you can rely on support from your partner when you need it. 

### Find support for your recovery 

Since many codependent individuals have a familial history of addiction, some find support groups helpful. [Codependents Anonymous](https://coda.org/) was started to help the families of addicts recover from codependency. They now offer support to any codependent person. The organization provides support from people sharing the same struggles through meetings and shared resources. The meetings take place in person, online, and over the phone.  

You may want to get professional help from a therapist to help you figure out what your needs are and how best to meet them as an autonomous individual. Couples therapy is a good idea if you have a partner. Individual in-person or online therapy can help if you’re solo and preparing to create healthy relationships in the future. 

## Recovering from codependency is worth the work

The process of undoing codependent tendencies is difficult and emotional, but it’s worth it. Once you’ve acknowledged your codependent behaviors and started working through them, you’ll feel empowered in your relationships. 

There’s sure to be forward motion and setbacks as you heal, so give yourself some grace. If you're looking for help dealing with all of the [emotions that pop up](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/day-1-balance-your-emotions/listen) as you work through codependency, guided meditation from Dipsea may help. Listen as our narrators [guide you through exercises](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/day-2-shake-it-off) designed to help you calm down, recenter, and focus on your goals.


These five signs of codependency will help you spot problematic tendencies. We’ll show you how to stop being codependent and pursue healthier relationships.

How to stop being codependent in romantic relationships

Codependent

Ready to explore a new way to connect with yourself or a partner? Dipsea has you covered.

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to connect with your partner in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=phonesexblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

Being in a long-distance relationship comes with some challenges, especially when it comes to keeping the sexual energy alive. It's a good idea to get your phone sex game up and running to tide you and your partner over until your next IRL sex sesh.

A lot of people might assume that the whole phone sex thing is awkward (and they might be right, at first), but we're here to tell you that it doesn't have to be! Just like everything else in life, with enough practice, you can work up to making phone sex a tool that brings both you and your partner together, especially if you're not able to be close in real life.

If you're shy or feeling like you don't know where to begin with dirty talk, don't worry, you're not alone. We have some tips to help you get into the moment, feel comfortable, and let loose with your long-distance lover. 

## A beginner's guide to prepping for a phone sex session

To get started, let’s think about prepping for phone sex kind of like you would a date. If you were planning a date, you’d talk about where you’d want to go, what kind of food you’d want to eat, and what you might like to do afterwards. You’d consider what to wear and take time for yourself before meeting up. A phone sex date isn’t really all that different.

### Scheduling

It's a good idea to talk to your partner about having phone sex before you launch into it unannounced on your next phone call. Get an idea of how they feel about it, establish consent, talk about how they might want to do it (over the phone vs. FaceTime or some other video chat app), if they have any fetishes or kinks they want to explore, role-playing ideas to get yourself out of your head a little, etc. 

Schedule it and prepare for it the way you would a date. Maybe take a shower, light a few candles, and put on some sexy lingerie — even if you're not using video chat, it can be a personal turn-on to wear something sexy. You might even get into the role play with a new outfit to fit the sexual fantasy. In this scenario, ultimately, you'll be taking care of your own needs in the end, so make sure you feel sexy (whatever that means to you).

### Logistics

Charge your phone or the device you're using to avoid any annoying low-battery or lost connection issues that would interrupt the vibe. And make sure that you've chosen a time where neither one of you will be interrupted by a roommate or some other unwanted distraction. 

If you like to use sex toys during [masturbation](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/women-masturbating/), charge those up and bring them along for the ride. Just remember that vibrators can sometimes speed up the climax, so pace yourself if your partner doesn't use them so you can be on the same page and at the same pace. You could also practice [edging](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/edging/) if you find that you really need the toy but still want to elongate the experience.

### Establishing guidelines and boundaries

Think about which words come naturally to you and feel sexy to you ahead of time. There are tons of different words for different body parts, some of which feel a lot more clinical than others. You might not want to say "penis" or "vagina" or "oral sex" in the moment, so find different words. Try "cock" or "pussy" or "go down on me" or something else, and don't be shy about telling your partner if you don't like certain words. It's all about communication, so speak up if you know certain words will take you out of the mood.

### Do some research (if you want to, or you can wing it!)

If you feel like you want to get some ideas ahead of time, try calling a phone sex line to hear what the pros do before trying with your partner. If this idea is weird to you, consider that phone sex operators are paid to be good at dirty talk and heavy breathing and think of it as a (super fun) skill-building activity. 

## How to talk dirty during phone sex

When you're with your partner in person, it's easy to moan and provide feedback with your body language in the moment. It's not quite so easy when you're on a phone or video call.

Great phone sex experiences use dirty talk to put two people who are far away from each other in the same headspace and body space. There are lots of ways to accomplish this, but five of the sexiest ways are:

1. Say what you want/like. (Be explicit in talking about body parts and the types of sexual activity you like.)
2. Ask questions.
3. Tell them what you're doing on your end of the line.
4. Remember/replay a time the two of you were together IRL.
5. Tell them what you're going to do the next time you see them. 

Some of these can overlap and flow nicely into each other to create a memory/fantasy/future weaving all at the same time. Here are a few dirty talk examples:

- I want you to take off your pants now so I can do dirty things to you. (Great for taking charge in the moment)
- I get so wet/hard when I go down on you.  
- When you get me at the airport, I want you to push me into the backseat of your car and fuck me before you take me home. I won't be wearing any underwear.
- I'm twisting my nipples under my sweater. Do you like that?
- I like when you breathe in my ear (something like this will help you imagine that it's happening to you or remember a time when it happened).
- Did you like the way I did that thing with my tongue on our last visit? 
- I had a dream about you last night, and this is what you were doing to me ...
- Remember our trip to Vancouver when you touched me under the table? 
- When I see you, I want to try this [new sex position](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/new-names-for-classic-sex-positions/). What if you did that to me right now? What would it feel like?

Phone sex is a back and forth convo between you and your partner, so don't feel like you have to do all the talking. Make room for their responses or questions, add in sounds that you'd make in person, and maybe play them up a little for effect. Consider sending a few sexy pics to help your partner with visuals if you’re talking on the phone.

### Baby steps: sexting

If you're not used to talking dirty face-to-face, doing it over the phone might give you a little buffer to experiment with a new form of foreplay. If the phone (or FaceTime) still feels a little bit unnatural, you could take one small baby step forward by sexting instead. 

The advantage of a sext is that it's not live. You can craft your text message before your partner sees or hears it, giving you time to feel good about what you send. But really, don't overthink it. This is supposed to be fun. Start small. It might seem cliche, but "What are you wearing?" is an easy way to break the ice for the very first time in this new type of conversation. Be playful and fun, and then slide into the hot and heavy as the two of you get into it. 

### A quick note about photos and videos

Before you send photos and videos, we want to emphasize the importance of trust and consent in these scenarios. Video calls and nude photos might not be the best course of action for a random hookup you shared your digits with. Although the culture is slowly shifting around female sexual agency and nudity in general, it's probably a good idea to save your homemade erotica for someone you trust not to share them without your consent.

### Sharing an experience

Dirty talking isn't the only way to get hot and heavy with your partner at a distance. You can also share an experience on a phone or video chat. Listening to a [sexy story](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-short-stories/) together can help spice things up with far less verbal effort on your part. In fact, it might be the easiest way to have a long-distance sexual experience together.

You can enhance an experience like this by communicating when you think something in the story is hot, by moaning along with the audio performers, or by telling your partner when you're getting close or actually climaxing. Here are a couple of stories from the Dipsea app to get you started: [Falling](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/falling-ii) and [Queen of Swords](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/queen-of-swords).

## You're ready

Now that we've broken down the how-tos and some examples of dirty talk phrases you can borrow to get started, take this advice and run with it. Use your next phone date to discuss your phone sex strategy with your partner. Go over your likes and dislikes, how you might want your first time to go, the best ways to check in with each other along the way and set a date and time. 

Who knows, your first conversation might build up the sexual tension so much that you'll be ready to go right then and there. Get excited, your long-distance sex life just got a whole lot more interesting!


Being in a long-distance relationship comes with some challenges, especially when it comes to keeping the sexual energy alive. It's a good idea to get your phone sex game up and running to tide you and your partner over until your next IRL sex sesh.

A lot of people might assume that the whole phone sex thing is awkward (and they might be right, at first), but we're here to tell you that it doesn't have to be! Just like everything else in life, with enough practice, you can work up to making phone sex a tool that brings both you and your partner together, especially if you're not able to be close in real life.

If you're shy or feeling like you don't know where to begin with dirty talk, don't worry, you're not alone. We have some tips to help you get into the moment, feel comfortable, and let loose with your long-distance lover. 

## A beginner's guide to prepping for a phone sex session

To get started, let’s think about prepping for phone sex kind of like you would a date. If you were planning a date, you’d talk about where you’d want to go, what kind of food you’d want to eat, and what you might like to do afterwards. You’d consider what to wear and take time for yourself before meeting up. A phone sex date isn’t really all that different.

### Scheduling

It's a good idea to talk to your partner about having phone sex before you launch into it unannounced on your next phone call. Get an idea of how they feel about it, establish consent, talk about how they might want to do it (over the phone vs. FaceTime or some other video chat app), if they have any fetishes or kinks they want to explore, role-playing ideas to get yourself out of your head a little, etc. 

Schedule it and prepare for it the way you would a date. Maybe take a shower, light a few candles, and put on some sexy lingerie — even if you're not using video chat, it can be a personal turn-on to wear something sexy. You might even get into the role play with a new outfit to fit the sexual fantasy. In this scenario, ultimately, you'll be taking care of your own needs in the end, so make sure you feel sexy (whatever that means to you).

### Logistics

Charge your phone or the device you're using to avoid any annoying low-battery or lost connection issues that would interrupt the vibe. And make sure that you've chosen a time where neither one of you will be interrupted by a roommate or some other unwanted distraction. 

If you like to use sex toys during [masturbation](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/women-masturbating/), charge those up and bring them along for the ride. Just remember that vibrators can sometimes speed up the climax, so pace yourself if your partner doesn't use them so you can be on the same page and at the same pace. You could also practice [edging](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/edging/) if you find that you really need the toy but still want to elongate the experience.

### Establishing guidelines and boundaries

Think about which words come naturally to you and feel sexy to you ahead of time. There are tons of different words for different body parts, some of which feel a lot more clinical than others. You might not want to say "penis" or "vagina" or "oral sex" in the moment, so find different words. Try "cock" or "pussy" or "go down on me" or something else, and don't be shy about telling your partner if you don't like certain words. It's all about communication, so speak up if you know certain words will take you out of the mood.

### Do some research (if you want to, or you can wing it!)

If you feel like you want to get some ideas ahead of time, try calling a phone sex line to hear what the pros do before trying with your partner. If this idea is weird to you, consider that phone sex operators are paid to be good at dirty talk and heavy breathing and think of it as a (super fun) skill-building activity. 

## How to talk dirty during phone sex

When you're with your partner in person, it's easy to moan and provide feedback with your body language in the moment. It's not quite so easy when you're on a phone or video call.

Great phone sex experiences use dirty talk to put two people who are far away from each other in the same headspace and body space. There are lots of ways to accomplish this, but five of the sexiest ways are:

1. Say what you want/like. (Be explicit in talking about body parts and the types of sexual activity you like.)
2. Ask questions.
3. Tell them what you're doing on your end of the line.
4. Remember/replay a time the two of you were together IRL.
5. Tell them what you're going to do the next time you see them. 

Some of these can overlap and flow nicely into each other to create a memory/fantasy/future weaving all at the same time. Here are a few dirty talk examples:

- I want you to take off your pants now so I can do dirty things to you. (Great for taking charge in the moment)
- I get so wet/hard when I go down on you.  
- When you get me at the airport, I want you to push me into the backseat of your car and fuck me before you take me home. I won't be wearing any underwear.
- I'm twisting my nipples under my sweater. Do you like that?
- I like when you breathe in my ear (something like this will help you imagine that it's happening to you or remember a time when it happened).
- Did you like the way I did that thing with my tongue on our last visit? 
- I had a dream about you last night, and this is what you were doing to me ...
- Remember our trip to Vancouver when you touched me under the table? 
- When I see you, I want to try this [new sex position](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/new-names-for-classic-sex-positions/). What if you did that to me right now? What would it feel like?

Phone sex is a back and forth convo between you and your partner, so don't feel like you have to do all the talking. Make room for their responses or questions, add in sounds that you'd make in person, and maybe play them up a little for effect. Consider sending a few sexy pics to help your partner with visuals if you’re talking on the phone.

### Baby steps: sexting

If you're not used to talking dirty face-to-face, doing it over the phone might give you a little buffer to experiment with a new form of foreplay. If the phone (or FaceTime) still feels a little bit unnatural, you could take one small baby step forward by sexting instead. 

The advantage of a sext is that it's not live. You can craft your text message before your partner sees or hears it, giving you time to feel good about what you send. But really, don't overthink it. This is supposed to be fun. Start small. It might seem cliche, but "What are you wearing?" is an easy way to break the ice for the very first time in this new type of conversation. Be playful and fun, and then slide into the hot and heavy as the two of you get into it. 

### A quick note about photos and videos

Before you send photos and videos, we want to emphasize the importance of trust and consent in these scenarios. Video calls and nude photos might not be the best course of action for a random hookup you shared your digits with. Although the culture is slowly shifting around female sexual agency and nudity in general, it's probably a good idea to save your homemade erotica for someone you trust not to share them without your consent.

### Sharing an experience

Dirty talking isn't the only way to get hot and heavy with your partner at a distance. You can also share an experience on a phone or video chat. Listening to a [sexy story](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-short-stories/) together can help spice things up with far less verbal effort on your part. In fact, it might be the easiest way to have a long-distance sexual experience together.

You can enhance an experience like this by communicating when you think something in the story is hot, by moaning along with the audio performers, or by telling your partner when you're getting close or actually climaxing. Here are a couple of stories from the Dipsea app to get you started: [Falling](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/falling-ii) and [Queen of Swords](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/queen-of-swords).

## You're ready

Now that we've broken down the how-tos and some examples of dirty talk phrases you can borrow to get started, take this advice and run with it. Use your next phone date to discuss your phone sex strategy with your partner. Go over your likes and dislikes, how you might want your first time to go, the best ways to check in with each other along the way and set a date and time. 

Who knows, your first conversation might build up the sexual tension so much that you'll be ready to go right then and there. Get excited, your long-distance sex life just got a whole lot more interesting!


If you want to try phone sex but have no clue what to do, we’ll walk you through it. With the right mindset, it can be orgasm-inducing rather than awkward.

Talk dirty to me: Phone sex for long-distance relationships 

Phone-Sex

Ready to connect with your partner in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.

Intimacy is necessary to form close relationships with others and, as a social species, we crave it! Intimacy can make it possible to share your feelings with your friends and partner(s) and allow them to be open and vulnerable with you. And, in a romantic relationship, the sharing, and openness associated with intimacy can make sex more satisfying. 

However, suppose you have a fear of intimacy. In that case, deepening connections can cause fear, anxiety and may even result in you trying to blow the whole relationship up and running in the opposite direction. 

We chatted with sex therapist Soribel Martinez, LCSW, who shared that intimacy can take time to develop and reinforced that it’s a key part of satisfaction in romantic relationships. If you’re afraid of intimacy, you may avoid getting close to others, which means your sex life may be suffering.

The good news is you don’t have to hold on to your fear of intimacy forever. Learning about roadblocks to intimacy can help you overcome this relationship hurdle. Read on to discover what causes some people to be afraid of close relationships, what fear of intimacy looks like, how you can heal your fear of intimacy, and how to support someone you love through their healing.

## What is intimacy? 

Intimacy is more than a euphemism for sexual contact. Intimacy encompasses feelings of [closeness, connectedness, and bonding](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5987853/#bibr45-0265407517743076). It can be emotional, intellectual, experiential, spiritual, and more. When someone fears intimacy, they may be afraid of one or many types of intimacy. 

Every type of intimacy involves vulnerability, sharing, and being open with another person. Intimacy usually deepens as relationships increase in duration. If you’re afraid of intimacy, the reason you struggle is likely complicated. 

Let’s dive into four main types of intimacy.

### Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is sharing and being vulnerable about your feelings with another person. When you're emotionally intimate with someone, you can share past and present difficult experiences with them and trust their response will be empathetic. In a relationship with emotional intimacy, talking about issues within the relationship results in partners feeling closer. 

### Intellectual intimacy

Intellectual intimacy is a strong mental connection and the sense that another person just seems to “get you.” You can share all of your thoughts with them and feel accepted and connected.

It can also be an ability to listen to differing points of view and embrace them as valid. A desire for intense discussions of philosophy or current events is a sign of intellectual intimacy in a relationship for some people. 

### Experiential intimacy

Experiential intimacy is the cache of shared experiences between friends, family, or partners resulting in inside jokes and "remember the time" stories. The longer people know each other, the greater their ability to rely on experiential intimacy. 

### Spiritual intimacy

Spiritual intimacy is about revealing your spiritual beliefs to your partner. It doesn’t have to involve attending organized religious services (although it can!). Taking a walk and enjoying the beauty of nature (and maybe pausing to make out [against a tree trunk](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/heres-why-people-are-so-into-sex-in-public/)) or discussing your value systems is a sign of spiritual intimacy. Sharing your spirituality with a partner without fear of judgment means you have this type of intimacy.  

### Sexual intimacy

Sexual or physical intimacy is a willingness to [share erotic experiences](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-with-aftercare/) with your partner(s). And according to Martinez, fear of intimacy with yourself is often the biggest hurdle. Sometimes people with a fear of sexual intimacy even avoid masturbation. Cultivating sexual intimacy with yourself often helps deepen your connection with others. 

True sexual intimacy requires an ability to identify and express your sexual needs and desires. Sexual intimacy also requires you to be open to hearing about and exploring your partner's needs and wants. 

Fear of any type of intimacy above can cause people to avoid physical intimacy with themselves and their partner(s). 

## 5 signs you're afraid of intimacy

People who are afraid of intimacy may react to deepening connections with others in different ways. This non-exhaustive list of signs you may fear intimacy can serve as a starting point for a conversation with a therapist or loved one. A fear of intimacy has deep roots in mental health concerns like anxiety and depression, so remember, you can always reach out to a professional if you think you’re experiencing issues cultivating the kind of deep personal relationships you want and deserve. 

### 1. Are you afraid to share your ideas, thoughts, needs, or feelings? 

If you have a fear of intimacy, you may find it difficult or impossible to open up about your emotional world. This can make it difficult for people to share emotionally trying details about their workday or personal relationships with a significant other. You may find it hard to tell your partner you need a hug or some other type of physical intimacy. 

Fear of sharing your emotional world can make it difficult to talk about what you want and need during shared sexual experiences. It’s really common to deal with frustration from partners due to them not knowing what you need, but it’s not an insurmountable challenge. If that sounds like you, keep reading—you’re not alone!

### 2. Are you afraid to share yourself sexually? 

For some, especially survivors of sexual abuse, physical touch can be triggering. But even if your fear of sexual intimacy doesn’t cause physical pain, worrying about sharing your fantasies or keeping quiet about your sexual needs can be a sign you're afraid of sexual intimacy. 

Not all people afraid of sexual intimacy avoid physical contact, but if you avoid touching your partner, even when you want to and have their consent, it may be cause for concern.

### 3. Do you leave before you get left? 

Serial monogamy, or hopping from one relationship to the next, isn't always a symptom of a fear of intimacy. Leaving a relationship that isn't working is healthy and necessary. 

However, if you leave when the relationship gets serious, and you're afraid of getting attached and then being left, you might be afraid of intimacy. When someone has a fear of abandonment, they may avoid intimacy because they don’t want their partner to leave first and hurt them in the process. 

### 4. Are you a perfectionist? 

If you’re afraid of intimacy, you may use perfectionism in external achievements to prove to yourself you are deserving of love. The relentless pursuit of perfectionism in your career, personal relationships, fitness, or any area can be a symptom of a fear of intimacy. 

To deepen our connection with someone, we must embrace vulnerability and let others see our messy internal world.

### 5. Do you sabotage relationships? 

When you get close with an intimate partner, does the way you treat them change? If so, you may try to push people away before they can get too close. Purposefully damaging a relationship through overly critical behavior is a symptom of fear of intimacy.  
Some people sabotage relationships by making themselves unlovable. They may cheat or stop putting effort into themselves or the relationship, so their partner(s) leave them first. When the relationship ends, it only serves to reinforce the fear of intimacy. 

## What causes fear of intimacy?

While every situation is unique, you might identify with one of these three common causes of fear of intimacy. 

### Childhood trauma

When children have caregivers who can’t or won’t provide a stable, loving environment, they may grow into adults with intimacy issues. Fear of intimacy is attributed to anxious and avoidant attachment styles and often originates from early childhood experiences of abandonment or neglect. These [attachment styles](https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/casual-sex-and-attachment-styles/) and a fear of intimacy may involve [depression and anxiety disorders](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15564790/).

Suffering childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse, or neglect can cause low self-esteem and attachment issues, leading to problems in adult relationships. A fear of intimacy from childhood trauma can manifest as fear of abandonment or fear of being controlled.

### Past relationships

Negative experiences in prior relationships can contribute to a fear of intimacy. Past experiences of relationship violence or infidelity can contribute to intimacy anxiety and avoiding close relationships. 

### Sexual assault

[Victims of sexual assault](https://vantagepointrecovery.com/past-sexual-trauma/) are more likely to be afraid of deep connections with others. They may feel unworthy of being loved or avoid emotional intimacy to avoid physical touch. 

## 6 ways to overcome your fear of intimacy to build healthy relationships

If your fear of intimacy stems from childhood trauma, which it often does, you may require the help of a therapist to work through these issues effectively. 

“Healing your fear of intimacy is the greatest gift you can give yourself; it allows you to self-discover, deepen understanding, and embrace healing,” Martinez said. 

Use these tips as a starting point for your healing journey. 

### 1. Learn your worth

When you understand you are valuable and worthy of love just as you are, it will be easier to accept the positive emotions resulting from deep connections with others. Building intimate relationships is a rewarding experience, and you deserve it.

To start learning your worth, you need to identify your inner critic-that voice that says you aren’t good enough, strong enough, or lovable enough. Then, you can start challenging it with affirmations such as “I am enough just as I am.” The more you challenge your inner critic, the quieter they’ll become.  

### 2. Identify and process emotions

If you avoid intimacy, it may be because you have difficulty naming and processing emotions. Inability to deal with your emotions can cause you to withhold affection from your partner or make it difficult to receive it. Learning how to identify and move through emotions will make it easier to cultivate emotional and physical intimacy with yourself and your partner(s). 

For example, if not hearing from your partner while they are with friends causes you to worry that they’re no longer interested, it’s important to identify the source of the worry. Maybe the worry stems from something that happened in a past relationship and is not about anything to do with your current partner. Perhaps it's a signal that you need to have a conversation about how much communication you and your partner(s) expect from each other.  

### 3. Set appropriate boundaries

It’s never too early or too late in a relationship to set boundaries. A fear of intimacy may have kept you from [maintaining clear relationship boundaries](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/setting-boundaries/). If you fear vulnerability will cause someone to leave you, it’s difficult to advocate for your needs. 

Boundaries are clear statements of your needs and the behavior you expect from a partner. Boundaries can include everything from how and what you communicate with each other to what sexual things you are and aren’t willing to try. If you want to establish boundaries with a new or existing partner, try beginning with a statement about what you need. Saying something like, I need to spend quality time with you before I’m able to be sexually intimate can help ensure the relationship meets your needs.  

### 4. Listen to your intuition

A fear of intimacy can make it difficult to trust yourself and your feelings. If you've ignored red flags in past romantic relationships, it's time to turn inward and pay attention to how your body responds to certain people and situations. 

“They forgot my birthday. They were probably just busy. I need to get over it.” This is self-talk that ignores a red flag. 

“They forgot my birthday, and I feel extremely sad. I want to be with someone who celebrates me.” This is self-talk that trusts your feelings and gives you a starting point for a conversation with your partner.

[Meditation is often helpful](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/better-sex-through-meditation/) in figuring out what your internal voice is saying and learning to listen to it. This is true for sexual desire and the rest of life. Try guided meditation if you're new to this practice to help you learn how to pull your mind back from distracting thoughts. 

### 5. Be self-compassionate and patient

You didn't develop a fear of intimacy overnight, and undoing it won't be a quick process either. When (not if) you misstep, give yourself some grace. Remember, we're trying to do away with perfectionism here!

### 6. Accept that you can't control everything, especially other people

A fear of intimacy can cause us to try to control the people around us. Undoing this tendency can release you from the fear of abandonment, causing you to avoid intimate adult relationships. Aside from the sort of control partners in a BDSM relationship agree to, control is toxic to relationships. 

If you’ve been controlling your partner(s), you may need to ask them for support and forgiveness as you learn to release the need to control your environment. 

## What if your partner has a fear of intimacy? 

If you're involved with someone who has a fear of intimacy, don't lose hope! Learning to embrace intimate relationships takes time and energy, but it’s totally possible. Your partner will need your compassion, encouragement, and the space necessary to get professional help (if necessary) and work out their concerns related to intimacy. There will likely be setbacks, so it’s essential to manage your expectations. 

The reward for your patience will hopefully be a close, fulfilling, intimate relationship. You'll both be able to enjoy a renewed sense of emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and experiential intimacy. This closeness can lead to a greater willingness to explore physical or sexual intimacy within your partnership.

## Embracing sexual intimacy in healthy relationships

Sexual intimacy is a willingness to [explore your sexuality](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-precare-foreplay-aftercare/) with a partner. It requires being open to sharing your fantasies, desires, and needs with your partner and listening to theirs. 

According to Martinez, “Intimacy is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. It allows us to self-discover, gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and our partner(s), and can help us heal.”

If you're new to sexual intimacy and aren't sure where to start, [Dipsea's partner pleasure series](https://app.dipseastories.com/series/partner-pleasure-series) offers a guided experience to help you explore with a partner. You'll learn how your partner likes to be touched and learn how to tell your partner what you want.

Intimacy is necessary to form close relationships with others and, as a social species, we crave it! Intimacy can make it possible to share your feelings with your friends and partner(s) and allow them to be open and vulnerable with you. And, in a romantic relationship, the sharing, and openness associated with intimacy can make sex more satisfying. 

However, suppose you have a fear of intimacy. In that case, deepening connections can cause fear, anxiety and may even result in you trying to blow the whole relationship up and running in the opposite direction. 

We chatted with sex therapist Soribel Martinez, LCSW, who shared that intimacy can take time to develop and reinforced that it’s a key part of satisfaction in romantic relationships. If you’re afraid of intimacy, you may avoid getting close to others, which means your sex life may be suffering.

The good news is you don’t have to hold on to your fear of intimacy forever. Learning about roadblocks to intimacy can help you overcome this relationship hurdle. Read on to discover what causes some people to be afraid of close relationships, what fear of intimacy looks like, how you can heal your fear of intimacy, and how to support someone you love through their healing.

## What is intimacy? 

Intimacy is more than a euphemism for sexual contact. Intimacy encompasses feelings of [closeness, connectedness, and bonding](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5987853/#bibr45-0265407517743076). It can be emotional, intellectual, experiential, spiritual, and more. When someone fears intimacy, they may be afraid of one or many types of intimacy. 

Every type of intimacy involves vulnerability, sharing, and being open with another person. Intimacy usually deepens as relationships increase in duration. If you’re afraid of intimacy, the reason you struggle is likely complicated. 

Let’s dive into four main types of intimacy.

### Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is sharing and being vulnerable about your feelings with another person. When you're emotionally intimate with someone, you can share past and present difficult experiences with them and trust their response will be empathetic. In a relationship with emotional intimacy, talking about issues within the relationship results in partners feeling closer. 

### Intellectual intimacy

Intellectual intimacy is a strong mental connection and the sense that another person just seems to “get you.” You can share all of your thoughts with them and feel accepted and connected.

It can also be an ability to listen to differing points of view and embrace them as valid. A desire for intense discussions of philosophy or current events is a sign of intellectual intimacy in a relationship for some people. 

### Experiential intimacy

Experiential intimacy is the cache of shared experiences between friends, family, or partners resulting in inside jokes and "remember the time" stories. The longer people know each other, the greater their ability to rely on experiential intimacy. 

### Spiritual intimacy

Spiritual intimacy is about revealing your spiritual beliefs to your partner. It doesn’t have to involve attending organized religious services (although it can!). Taking a walk and enjoying the beauty of nature (and maybe pausing to make out [against a tree trunk](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/heres-why-people-are-so-into-sex-in-public/)) or discussing your value systems is a sign of spiritual intimacy. Sharing your spirituality with a partner without fear of judgment means you have this type of intimacy.  

### Sexual intimacy

Sexual or physical intimacy is a willingness to [share erotic experiences](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-with-aftercare/) with your partner(s). And according to Martinez, fear of intimacy with yourself is often the biggest hurdle. Sometimes people with a fear of sexual intimacy even avoid masturbation. Cultivating sexual intimacy with yourself often helps deepen your connection with others. 

True sexual intimacy requires an ability to identify and express your sexual needs and desires. Sexual intimacy also requires you to be open to hearing about and exploring your partner's needs and wants. 

Fear of any type of intimacy above can cause people to avoid physical intimacy with themselves and their partner(s). 

## 5 signs you're afraid of intimacy

People who are afraid of intimacy may react to deepening connections with others in different ways. This non-exhaustive list of signs you may fear intimacy can serve as a starting point for a conversation with a therapist or loved one. A fear of intimacy has deep roots in mental health concerns like anxiety and depression, so remember, you can always reach out to a professional if you think you’re experiencing issues cultivating the kind of deep personal relationships you want and deserve. 

### 1. Are you afraid to share your ideas, thoughts, needs, or feelings? 

If you have a fear of intimacy, you may find it difficult or impossible to open up about your emotional world. This can make it difficult for people to share emotionally trying details about their workday or personal relationships with a significant other. You may find it hard to tell your partner you need a hug or some other type of physical intimacy. 

Fear of sharing your emotional world can make it difficult to talk about what you want and need during shared sexual experiences. It’s really common to deal with frustration from partners due to them not knowing what you need, but it’s not an insurmountable challenge. If that sounds like you, keep reading—you’re not alone!

### 2. Are you afraid to share yourself sexually? 

For some, especially survivors of sexual abuse, physical touch can be triggering. But even if your fear of sexual intimacy doesn’t cause physical pain, worrying about sharing your fantasies or keeping quiet about your sexual needs can be a sign you're afraid of sexual intimacy. 

Not all people afraid of sexual intimacy avoid physical contact, but if you avoid touching your partner, even when you want to and have their consent, it may be cause for concern.

### 3. Do you leave before you get left? 

Serial monogamy, or hopping from one relationship to the next, isn't always a symptom of a fear of intimacy. Leaving a relationship that isn't working is healthy and necessary. 

However, if you leave when the relationship gets serious, and you're afraid of getting attached and then being left, you might be afraid of intimacy. When someone has a fear of abandonment, they may avoid intimacy because they don’t want their partner to leave first and hurt them in the process. 

### 4. Are you a perfectionist? 

If you’re afraid of intimacy, you may use perfectionism in external achievements to prove to yourself you are deserving of love. The relentless pursuit of perfectionism in your career, personal relationships, fitness, or any area can be a symptom of a fear of intimacy. 

To deepen our connection with someone, we must embrace vulnerability and let others see our messy internal world.

### 5. Do you sabotage relationships? 

When you get close with an intimate partner, does the way you treat them change? If so, you may try to push people away before they can get too close. Purposefully damaging a relationship through overly critical behavior is a symptom of fear of intimacy.  
Some people sabotage relationships by making themselves unlovable. They may cheat or stop putting effort into themselves or the relationship, so their partner(s) leave them first. When the relationship ends, it only serves to reinforce the fear of intimacy. 

## What causes fear of intimacy?

While every situation is unique, you might identify with one of these three common causes of fear of intimacy. 

### Childhood trauma

When children have caregivers who can’t or won’t provide a stable, loving environment, they may grow into adults with intimacy issues. Fear of intimacy is attributed to anxious and avoidant attachment styles and often originates from early childhood experiences of abandonment or neglect. These [attachment styles](https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/casual-sex-and-attachment-styles/) and a fear of intimacy may involve [depression and anxiety disorders](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15564790/).

Suffering childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse, or neglect can cause low self-esteem and attachment issues, leading to problems in adult relationships. A fear of intimacy from childhood trauma can manifest as fear of abandonment or fear of being controlled.

### Past relationships

Negative experiences in prior relationships can contribute to a fear of intimacy. Past experiences of relationship violence or infidelity can contribute to intimacy anxiety and avoiding close relationships. 

### Sexual assault

[Victims of sexual assault](https://vantagepointrecovery.com/past-sexual-trauma/) are more likely to be afraid of deep connections with others. They may feel unworthy of being loved or avoid emotional intimacy to avoid physical touch. 

## 6 ways to overcome your fear of intimacy to build healthy relationships

If your fear of intimacy stems from childhood trauma, which it often does, you may require the help of a therapist to work through these issues effectively. 

“Healing your fear of intimacy is the greatest gift you can give yourself; it allows you to self-discover, deepen understanding, and embrace healing,” Martinez said. 

Use these tips as a starting point for your healing journey. 

### 1. Learn your worth

When you understand you are valuable and worthy of love just as you are, it will be easier to accept the positive emotions resulting from deep connections with others. Building intimate relationships is a rewarding experience, and you deserve it.

To start learning your worth, you need to identify your inner critic-that voice that says you aren’t good enough, strong enough, or lovable enough. Then, you can start challenging it with affirmations such as “I am enough just as I am.” The more you challenge your inner critic, the quieter they’ll become.  

### 2. Identify and process emotions

If you avoid intimacy, it may be because you have difficulty naming and processing emotions. Inability to deal with your emotions can cause you to withhold affection from your partner or make it difficult to receive it. Learning how to identify and move through emotions will make it easier to cultivate emotional and physical intimacy with yourself and your partner(s). 

For example, if not hearing from your partner while they are with friends causes you to worry that they’re no longer interested, it’s important to identify the source of the worry. Maybe the worry stems from something that happened in a past relationship and is not about anything to do with your current partner. Perhaps it's a signal that you need to have a conversation about how much communication you and your partner(s) expect from each other.  

### 3. Set appropriate boundaries

It’s never too early or too late in a relationship to set boundaries. A fear of intimacy may have kept you from [maintaining clear relationship boundaries](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/setting-boundaries/). If you fear vulnerability will cause someone to leave you, it’s difficult to advocate for your needs. 

Boundaries are clear statements of your needs and the behavior you expect from a partner. Boundaries can include everything from how and what you communicate with each other to what sexual things you are and aren’t willing to try. If you want to establish boundaries with a new or existing partner, try beginning with a statement about what you need. Saying something like, I need to spend quality time with you before I’m able to be sexually intimate can help ensure the relationship meets your needs.  

### 4. Listen to your intuition

A fear of intimacy can make it difficult to trust yourself and your feelings. If you've ignored red flags in past romantic relationships, it's time to turn inward and pay attention to how your body responds to certain people and situations. 

“They forgot my birthday. They were probably just busy. I need to get over it.” This is self-talk that ignores a red flag. 

“They forgot my birthday, and I feel extremely sad. I want to be with someone who celebrates me.” This is self-talk that trusts your feelings and gives you a starting point for a conversation with your partner.

[Meditation is often helpful](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/better-sex-through-meditation/) in figuring out what your internal voice is saying and learning to listen to it. This is true for sexual desire and the rest of life. Try guided meditation if you're new to this practice to help you learn how to pull your mind back from distracting thoughts. 

### 5. Be self-compassionate and patient

You didn't develop a fear of intimacy overnight, and undoing it won't be a quick process either. When (not if) you misstep, give yourself some grace. Remember, we're trying to do away with perfectionism here!

### 6. Accept that you can't control everything, especially other people

A fear of intimacy can cause us to try to control the people around us. Undoing this tendency can release you from the fear of abandonment, causing you to avoid intimate adult relationships. Aside from the sort of control partners in a BDSM relationship agree to, control is toxic to relationships. 

If you’ve been controlling your partner(s), you may need to ask them for support and forgiveness as you learn to release the need to control your environment. 

## What if your partner has a fear of intimacy? 

If you're involved with someone who has a fear of intimacy, don't lose hope! Learning to embrace intimate relationships takes time and energy, but it’s totally possible. Your partner will need your compassion, encouragement, and the space necessary to get professional help (if necessary) and work out their concerns related to intimacy. There will likely be setbacks, so it’s essential to manage your expectations. 

The reward for your patience will hopefully be a close, fulfilling, intimate relationship. You'll both be able to enjoy a renewed sense of emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and experiential intimacy. This closeness can lead to a greater willingness to explore physical or sexual intimacy within your partnership.

## Embracing sexual intimacy in healthy relationships

Sexual intimacy is a willingness to [explore your sexuality](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-precare-foreplay-aftercare/) with a partner. It requires being open to sharing your fantasies, desires, and needs with your partner and listening to theirs. 

According to Martinez, “Intimacy is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. It allows us to self-discover, gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and our partner(s), and can help us heal.”

If you're new to sexual intimacy and aren't sure where to start, [Dipsea's partner pleasure series](https://app.dipseastories.com/series/partner-pleasure-series) offers a guided experience to help you explore with a partner. You'll learn how your partner likes to be touched and learn how to tell your partner what you want.

We’ll help you work through your fears so you can cultivate closer romantic relationships by helping you spot your fear of intimacy in day-to-day life.

5 signs you have a fear of intimacy & 6 ways to overcome it

Fear-of-Intimacy

Helen Oyeyemi’s newest novel, [Peaces](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/06/books/review/peaces-helen-oyeyemi.html), opens with one of the most devastatingly on-the-noes recountings of a certain type of breakup. So accurate that it almost needs to be read aloud so that the reader is reminded this is a fictional story and not a walk through their own memory. See for yourself: 

*Have you ever had an almost offensively easy breakup? The kind where the person you’ve just broken ties with because of blah blah and blah gives you a slight shrug, a “Thanks for everything--especially your honestly,” then walks away whistling Hoagy Carmichael’s “I Get Along Without You Very Well”? Or has that been you--the low-key dumpee? I’ve never once taken it on the chin like that, never even thought of trying to.*

Reactions in the Dipseaverse ranged from *“Oh my god……”* to *“Well, I’m logging off for the day!”* and finally just *“Pass.”* Suffice it to say, the majority of us have fallen into the “never once taken it on the chin like that, never even thought of trying to” club, and depending on when and who you ask, we’re all either happily or reluctantly residents of said club. 

Breakups and, subsequently, exes are a near-universal experience for those of us past dating-age (that age being, of course, whatever age it was when you first went on a date). And as such, everyone’s got an opinion on how best to deal with the variety of exes that litter (or, hey, bloom) the garden of our past. 

Some exes, like the whistle-and-walk-away type, might be harder to shake from one’s psyche, given the potential for the how-are-you-so-fine-without-me-when-I’m-not-fine-without-you spiraling our brains are wont to do. Whereas the exes who feel the continuous need to attempt to win us back when we are very much, definitely, absolutely certain that breaking up with the right thing to do, are far from difficult to push from our mind’s eye. 

Regardless of what type of ex you’re dealing with, the former, the latter, or somewhere in between (exes are a spectrum!), there’s a near-universal school of thought long believed to be the tried and true rule of managing past relationships: never, ever get back together! 

Getting back together with an ex is considered by many to be a major breakup faux pas, predominantly because it undoes the breakup. See how that works? Conventional wisdom would say that once you're certain a breakup is necessary (or that you have certainly been broken up with), to go back would only be prolonging the inevitable. That reopening old wounds only prevents them from healing. What’s done is done, conventional wisdom would say, let it go and leave it be. 

Naturally, of course, convention and wisdom have little to do when it comes to matters of the heart. Let’s be honest, hooking up with an ex can just be… fun! And who doesn’t want to have a little fun? Sure, maybe it’s like diving a little too vigorously down a slip-n-slide that isn’t quite wet enough; fun for the first little rush but inevitably ends in at least minor aches and pains. But, hey, a little pain might be worth it, right? 

According to science, right might actually be the answer. Or, more accurately, the answer might be that there’s actually less pain involved in hooking up with an ex than we all initially thought. As in, maybe even no pain at all. Yes, our minds are currently exploding too. 

Results of several studies published in the journal [Archives of Sexual Behavior](https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs10508-018-1268-6) found that hooking up with an ex doesn’t actually prevent you from moving on from your breakup, essentially throwing every group chat we’ve ever been a part of into utter and complete chaos. 

Participants kept track of post-break-up experiences, which included info on whether or not they tried, or did, have sex with an ex. Overwhelmingly, the data suggested that people who ended up hooking up with their exes weren’t negatively impacted emotionally.  

"This research suggests that societal handwringing regarding trying to have sex with an ex may not be warranted," said Stephanie Spielmann, one of the lead researchers. "The fact that sex with an ex is found to be most eagerly pursued by those having difficulty moving on suggests that we should perhaps instead more critically evaluate people's motivations behind pursuing sex with an ex."

And, well, we agree with her. And, as it turns out, so do sex therapists. 

According to [some research](https://www.insider.com/how-to-decide-to-get-back-with-ex-therapist-advice-2020-5), over the course of the pandemic (sorry to even go there), about 1 out of 5 people attempted to or did reconnect with an ex. And, well, we get it. When the world is burning around us, sometimes going back to something that works, or at least worked for a while, seems like a pretty safe bet. 

However, sex therapist Mark Williams said there are two questions one needs to ask oneself (and probably their ex!) before jumping back into things again, even if it’s just for a short period of time. 

### Talk about what’s different now

As the great Rose Byrne once said, if you’re growing, then you’re changing. Even if it’s just a little bit. And that’s an important conversation to have both with yourself and an ex before getting involved again. What’s different this time? Like, actually different. Not like, I got a haircut, so I’m a new person now. Fundamentally different. 

Are the things you’re looking for different? Have your expectations shifted? Talk about the reasons you broke up in the first place and really dig into whether or not those issues have either been resolved or are now genuinely no longer an issue in the first place. 

### Is this about comfort or something more?

We all know why leftovers are incredible. One, because if you decided to keep them in the first place, that means you already know they’re delicious, And two, because they’re already ready and they’re right there. However, there’s a reason why we have to turn Thanksgiving leftovers into like, nineteen brand new dishes just to get through them, and still end up binning some of them regardless. Just because something is available, familiar, and was delicious at some point doesn’t mean it’s still good for you!

Basically, is your ex comfort food, or are they actually adding something to your life that you just couldn’t find anywhere else. You can find comfort in a lot of places (Thanksgiving leftovers, the arms of a best friend, both at the same time), but if someone has really brought something into your life that’s unfindable elsewhere, then sure, maybe reconsider. 

Of course, should you know that getting back together with your ex is a bad idea, even if it’s just for a night, but you’re still looking to scratch that itch, don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. There are plenty of ex hookup stories on Dipsea. This way, you can enjoy the thrill without entering the danger zone. 


Helen Oyeyemi’s newest novel, [Peaces](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/06/books/review/peaces-helen-oyeyemi.html), opens with one of the most devastatingly on-the-noes recountings of a certain type of breakup. So accurate that it almost needs to be read aloud so that the reader is reminded this is a fictional story and not a walk through their own memory. See for yourself: 

*Have you ever had an almost offensively easy breakup? The kind where the person you’ve just broken ties with because of blah blah and blah gives you a slight shrug, a “Thanks for everything--especially your honestly,” then walks away whistling Hoagy Carmichael’s “I Get Along Without You Very Well”? Or has that been you--the low-key dumpee? I’ve never once taken it on the chin like that, never even thought of trying to.*

Reactions in the Dipseaverse ranged from *“Oh my god……”* to *“Well, I’m logging off for the day!”* and finally just *“Pass.”* Suffice it to say, the majority of us have fallen into the “never once taken it on the chin like that, never even thought of trying to” club, and depending on when and who you ask, we’re all either happily or reluctantly residents of said club. 

Breakups and, subsequently, exes are a near-universal experience for those of us past dating-age (that age being, of course, whatever age it was when you first went on a date). And as such, everyone’s got an opinion on how best to deal with the variety of exes that litter (or, hey, bloom) the garden of our past. 

Some exes, like the whistle-and-walk-away type, might be harder to shake from one’s psyche, given the potential for the how-are-you-so-fine-without-me-when-I’m-not-fine-without-you spiraling our brains are wont to do. Whereas the exes who feel the continuous need to attempt to win us back when we are very much, definitely, absolutely certain that breaking up with the right thing to do, are far from difficult to push from our mind’s eye. 

Regardless of what type of ex you’re dealing with, the former, the latter, or somewhere in between (exes are a spectrum!), there’s a near-universal school of thought long believed to be the tried and true rule of managing past relationships: never, ever get back together! 

Getting back together with an ex is considered by many to be a major breakup faux pas, predominantly because it undoes the breakup. See how that works? Conventional wisdom would say that once you're certain a breakup is necessary (or that you have certainly been broken up with), to go back would only be prolonging the inevitable. That reopening old wounds only prevents them from healing. What’s done is done, conventional wisdom would say, let it go and leave it be. 

Naturally, of course, convention and wisdom have little to do when it comes to matters of the heart. Let’s be honest, hooking up with an ex can just be… fun! And who doesn’t want to have a little fun? Sure, maybe it’s like diving a little too vigorously down a slip-n-slide that isn’t quite wet enough; fun for the first little rush but inevitably ends in at least minor aches and pains. But, hey, a little pain might be worth it, right? 

According to science, right might actually be the answer. Or, more accurately, the answer might be that there’s actually less pain involved in hooking up with an ex than we all initially thought. As in, maybe even no pain at all. Yes, our minds are currently exploding too. 

Results of several studies published in the journal [Archives of Sexual Behavior](https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs10508-018-1268-6) found that hooking up with an ex doesn’t actually prevent you from moving on from your breakup, essentially throwing every group chat we’ve ever been a part of into utter and complete chaos. 

Participants kept track of post-break-up experiences, which included info on whether or not they tried, or did, have sex with an ex. Overwhelmingly, the data suggested that people who ended up hooking up with their exes weren’t negatively impacted emotionally.  

"This research suggests that societal handwringing regarding trying to have sex with an ex may not be warranted," said Stephanie Spielmann, one of the lead researchers. "The fact that sex with an ex is found to be most eagerly pursued by those having difficulty moving on suggests that we should perhaps instead more critically evaluate people's motivations behind pursuing sex with an ex."

And, well, we agree with her. And, as it turns out, so do sex therapists. 

According to [some research](https://www.insider.com/how-to-decide-to-get-back-with-ex-therapist-advice-2020-5), over the course of the pandemic (sorry to even go there), about 1 out of 5 people attempted to or did reconnect with an ex. And, well, we get it. When the world is burning around us, sometimes going back to something that works, or at least worked for a while, seems like a pretty safe bet. 

However, sex therapist Mark Williams said there are two questions one needs to ask oneself (and probably their ex!) before jumping back into things again, even if it’s just for a short period of time. 

### Talk about what’s different now

As the great Rose Byrne once said, if you’re growing, then you’re changing. Even if it’s just a little bit. And that’s an important conversation to have both with yourself and an ex before getting involved again. What’s different this time? Like, actually different. Not like, I got a haircut, so I’m a new person now. Fundamentally different. 

Are the things you’re looking for different? Have your expectations shifted? Talk about the reasons you broke up in the first place and really dig into whether or not those issues have either been resolved or are now genuinely no longer an issue in the first place. 

### Is this about comfort or something more?

We all know why leftovers are incredible. One, because if you decided to keep them in the first place, that means you already know they’re delicious, And two, because they’re already ready and they’re right there. However, there’s a reason why we have to turn Thanksgiving leftovers into like, nineteen brand new dishes just to get through them, and still end up binning some of them regardless. Just because something is available, familiar, and was delicious at some point doesn’t mean it’s still good for you!

Basically, is your ex comfort food, or are they actually adding something to your life that you just couldn’t find anywhere else. You can find comfort in a lot of places (Thanksgiving leftovers, the arms of a best friend, both at the same time), but if someone has really brought something into your life that’s unfindable elsewhere, then sure, maybe reconsider. 

Of course, should you know that getting back together with your ex is a bad idea, even if it’s just for a night, but you’re still looking to scratch that itch, don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. There are plenty of ex hookup stories on Dipsea. This way, you can enjoy the thrill without entering the danger zone. 

Breakups and exes are a near-universal experience. After a relationship ends, how do you know whether or not you should you have sex or hookup with your ex?

After a relationship ends, should you have sex with your ex?

Sex-with-Ex

Should you have sex with an ex

Want to explore sex with an ex but not ready to text them yet? Dipsea has a story for that.

Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and let you explore your fantasies any which way you want.

If you’re in a new relationship, it can be a little uncomfortable initiating sex for the first time (or in general). Conversations around sex—when to have it, how often, what you’re into, for how long—can sometimes feel awkward and stilted if you're not used to that type of vulnerability or if you’re still getting to know your partner. 

After all, your partner(s) might not be receptive, and rejection, even if it’s not personal, can be hard not to take to heart. That being said, a healthy sexual relationship requires honest communication so that all partners feel satisfied and seen before, during, and after sex. 

Below, we've got five fun, accessible suggestions for how to initiate sex in a new relationship. Take these tips as a jumping-off point and personalize them to you and your partners’ unique relationship style. Remember, it’s about connecting and having fun!

## How to initiate sex: 5 fun and sexy ideas for new partners

If you're feeling nervous about initiating sex for the first time with a new partner, that’s OK! The first time for anything can be a little nerve-wracking. Flipping a pancake, riding a bike, wearing a new outfit out for the first time—it’s natural to feel butterflies! So, of course, there might be a few awkward moments when it comes to initiating sex. These tips should help!

### 1. Plan ahead

Finding the right time can be more of an obstacle than anything else for both new and long-term partners. Take a look at your week and find a free day and time that you think would be low-key for both you and your partner to get it on—or plan a date night. From there, you can decide if it’s the right moment to head to the bedroom.

Both approaches have their advantages. The element of surprise might be an exciting new thing for your partner. On the other hand, the pre-planned sex session has its advantages too. If both of you know you've got sex "on the books" for Wednesday at 5 p.m., you can spend Tuesday getting each other revved up for it. [Send a few sexts](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/sexting-as-seduction?_branch_match_id=655283293750836873) or naughty photos, letting them know what you plan to do at the appointed time. And for even more tips, check out our blog post on [scheduling sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/scheduling-sex/). 

### 2. Use your words

This can mean [dirty talk](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/dirty-talk-consent/), but it doesn't have to. Ask for what you want. Sometimes the fastest way to make something happen is to state your needs, whether you're looking for a quickie or a longer sex sesh. 

Say something like, "I want you to go down on me," or "I want you to take your clothes off right now," or "Let's [listen to a sexy story after dinner](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-short-stories/)," or "Let's try this new sex position tonight." 

There's always room for fun and creative ways to ask for sex, but sometimes a simple, direct declarative can do the trick.

### 3. Surprise them in the buff

You don't always need words to get your partner's engines revved. 

If you’ve never surprised someone in the nude before, it might seem a little too risqué, but trust us, there are a few ways to pull this off successfully. If they’re planning to come by your place to hang out, answer the door naked or wear an open robe. Or, get naked and hug them from behind while they’re doing dishes so that when they reach back for you blindly, they'll discover your skin instead of clothing. 

Or, the easiest route, lie naked under the covers so that when they get in bed with you, there will be a surprise waiting. Of course, you’ll need to have a sense that you’ve reached this level of comfort with your partner, but if the trust is there, definitely go for it!

### 4. Be open to sexual activity that isn't sex

Sometimes, the act of penetrative sex is a little more involved than your partner might want to get after a long day. Perhaps their sexual desire is high, but their energy is low. You can work with that! 

The only rules around sex are the ones you make with your partner, so sex and sexual satisfaction can be totally tailored to the two of you. Ideas for getting off without penetration include oral sex, using sex toys like vibrators to get the job done faster, mutual masturbation, or even regular masturbation side by side while [listening to a sexy story together](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-audio/). The idea that penetrative sex is the only type of sex worth having is a narrative that needs rewriting, so why not start now? 

### 5. Choose your own adventure

There are so many potential gateways to sex and intimacy unique to you and your partner(s) that we couldn't possibly guess them all. But here are a few options that could be perfect for the two of you. Take the ones you like, leave the rest for the other readers:

- __Dance:__ Pick a song you both love or find a [sexy playlist on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7ebQdxl0t7c8kr2nwFxOaJ?si=54acfefe3ea04338) and invite them to dance with you in your kitchen or living room. 
- __Striptease or lap dance:__ This one is also dancing, but it's just you busting a move this time. Get your Bluetooth speaker going with your favorite hot number and go to town with your partner.
- __Explore the outdoors:__ Suggest a hike or a bike ride to a private outdoor location and offer oral sex in the woods. This could satisfy a [sex-in-public fantasy](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/heres-why-people-are-so-into-sex-in-public/) with much lower stakes than, say, a well-traveled bike path or park bench.
- __Roleplay:__ Come up with alternate personas and communicate with each other as your persona for the evening. Pretend you're star-crossed lovers sneaking around to see each other in secret, meet at a bar and pretend that you're meeting for the first time that night. There’s always a sexy doctor, or nurse scenario, or a student-teacher role play up for grabs too. The possibilities are endless for this one; the only limit is your imagination.
- __Change up place and time:__ If sex so far has only happened at night in the bedroom, maybe try mixing it up. Find a different place in your apartment or house and go for it earlier in the day. 
- __Get outside help:__ An app like [Dipsea](https://app.dipseastories.com/signup) that provides all types of sexy stories can both get you going in the moment and give you new ideas about what to do next. Try listening with a partner and see what unfolds.
- __Introduce novelty:__ Get yourself or your partner some new lingerie or a sex toy just for the occasion. Offer to try something brand new, and be ready to communicate your boundaries.
- __Offer a sexy massage:__ Grab some massage oil and give your partner a sensual massage. If the rub-down is going well, offer up a happy ending.

You can try anything from this list, or maybe reading through these suggestions sparked a new idea of your own. Whatever you choose, it can be the first of many exciting encounters with your new partner. 

## A quick pep talk

Here’s some encouragement before we send you on your way to try out some sexy initiation (hey, why not go right after you’re done reading?). 

### Ignore gendered expectations

Much like engagement proposals and asking for second dates, initiating sex (in a straight relationship at least) can often default to the cis man. 

This is a societal construct that’s outdated and disempowering for anyone who isn’t a cis man (and, if we’re being honest, could be a burden for him too!). 

In today's modern world, stereotypical gender norms don't apply to most relationships or sexual encounters, and plenty of relationships don't involve a man at all. Shifting expectations around who can initiate sex can be a liberating start to getting over the hump (pun intended) of that potentially awkward moment. 

It might be helpful to have a conversation with your partner about gendered expectations at a time when neither of you is asking for sex. 

You could start by talking about your own sex drive and how you enjoy initiating sex, even if it defies conventional expectations. Express to your partner that you want to feel confident to initiate sex with them and that you want them to feel comfortable initiating sex too. If you've set some expectations out beforehand, it will likely help ease you into a future ask. 

### Teach your partner about yourself

It's also important to know yourself and be able to use characteristics of your own personality to break the ice or make the first move. Long-term partners would ideally know (and enjoy) each other’s humor, foreplay style, and particular turn-ons. Their familiarity with each other makes initiating sex a lot easier.

But with a newer partner, you can use unfamiliarity to your advantage. Tell them your favorite type of foreplay, for example, and ask for theirs. Learning is sexy! Share a sex position you’ve wanted to try, or maybe even a story about a past sexual encounter that you enjoyed. Just the hypothetical talk could be enough foreplay to get the ball rolling.

### Let rejection roll off your back

Part of what can make initiating sex so hard is the fear of rejection. It might be easier said than done, but try not to take it personally. People can be completely in love and super attracted to each other but have [very different sex drives](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/navigating-mismatched-desire/). Nine times out of 10, a rejection in the moment isn't a rejection of you; it’s just a “no” to that particular time on that particular day. 

Everyone's relationship is different, but it can sometimes diffuse that uncomfortable moment for both of you if you can make a silly joke or do something nice for your partner to let them know that it's OK (and expected) for them to state their needs. 

Being the rejector can be just as uncomfortable as being the rejectee, and you definitely don't want to make your partner feel obligated to have sex. And you want to set the stage for yourself in the future, should the roles be reversed. 

Initiating sex is always an ask, and questions can yield a multitude of answers. Make room for the yes, the no, and the in-between. Maybe they don't want to have full-on sex tonight but would be happy to cuddle or make out. 

## Getting in the mood

Initiating sex can be a fun challenge for you and your partner(s) to take turns playing with. Open, honest dialogue can help you feel closer and more comfortable initiating sex you can both get super excited about. 

Remember, the only rules are the ones you agree on. There are no set gender roles here, no strict definitions of sex, and no obligations. Rejection in the moment doesn't mean a rejection of you, so just roll with it, and move on to something else. 

The more you practice initiating, the more comfortable you'll be in the moment, and the more comfortable your partner will be to do the same for you. 

Check out [this mini-series](https://app.dipseastories.com/series/saying-yes-and-no-series) for more help with communicating with your partner about sex. In this series, you’ll learn how to tactfully navigate moments of mismatched desire and come out the other side closer than ever.

If you’re in a new relationship, it can be a little uncomfortable initiating sex for the first time (or in general). Conversations around sex—when to have it, how often, what you’re into, for how long—can sometimes feel awkward and stilted if you're not used to that type of vulnerability or if you’re still getting to know your partner. 

After all, your partner(s) might not be receptive, and rejection, even if it’s not personal, can be hard not to take to heart. That being said, a healthy sexual relationship requires honest communication so that all partners feel satisfied and seen before, during, and after sex. 

Below, we've got five fun, accessible suggestions for how to initiate sex in a new relationship. Take these tips as a jumping-off point and personalize them to you and your partners’ unique relationship style. Remember, it’s about connecting and having fun!

## How to initiate sex: 5 fun and sexy ideas for new partners

If you're feeling nervous about initiating sex for the first time with a new partner, that’s OK! The first time for anything can be a little nerve-wracking. Flipping a pancake, riding a bike, wearing a new outfit out for the first time—it’s natural to feel butterflies! So, of course, there might be a few awkward moments when it comes to initiating sex. These tips should help!

### 1. Plan ahead

Finding the right time can be more of an obstacle than anything else for both new and long-term partners. Take a look at your week and find a free day and time that you think would be low-key for both you and your partner to get it on—or plan a date night. From there, you can decide if it’s the right moment to head to the bedroom.

Both approaches have their advantages. The element of surprise might be an exciting new thing for your partner. On the other hand, the pre-planned sex session has its advantages too. If both of you know you've got sex "on the books" for Wednesday at 5 p.m., you can spend Tuesday getting each other revved up for it. [Send a few sexts](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/sexting-as-seduction?_branch_match_id=655283293750836873) or naughty photos, letting them know what you plan to do at the appointed time. And for even more tips, check out our blog post on [scheduling sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/scheduling-sex/). 

### 2. Use your words

This can mean [dirty talk](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/dirty-talk-consent/), but it doesn't have to. Ask for what you want. Sometimes the fastest way to make something happen is to state your needs, whether you're looking for a quickie or a longer sex sesh. 

Say something like, "I want you to go down on me," or "I want you to take your clothes off right now," or "Let's [listen to a sexy story after dinner](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-short-stories/)," or "Let's try this new sex position tonight." 

There's always room for fun and creative ways to ask for sex, but sometimes a simple, direct declarative can do the trick.

### 3. Surprise them in the buff

You don't always need words to get your partner's engines revved. 

If you’ve never surprised someone in the nude before, it might seem a little too risqué, but trust us, there are a few ways to pull this off successfully. If they’re planning to come by your place to hang out, answer the door naked or wear an open robe. Or, get naked and hug them from behind while they’re doing dishes so that when they reach back for you blindly, they'll discover your skin instead of clothing. 

Or, the easiest route, lie naked under the covers so that when they get in bed with you, there will be a surprise waiting. Of course, you’ll need to have a sense that you’ve reached this level of comfort with your partner, but if the trust is there, definitely go for it!

### 4. Be open to sexual activity that isn't sex

Sometimes, the act of penetrative sex is a little more involved than your partner might want to get after a long day. Perhaps their sexual desire is high, but their energy is low. You can work with that! 

The only rules around sex are the ones you make with your partner, so sex and sexual satisfaction can be totally tailored to the two of you. Ideas for getting off without penetration include oral sex, using sex toys like vibrators to get the job done faster, mutual masturbation, or even regular masturbation side by side while [listening to a sexy story together](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-audio/). The idea that penetrative sex is the only type of sex worth having is a narrative that needs rewriting, so why not start now? 

### 5. Choose your own adventure

There are so many potential gateways to sex and intimacy unique to you and your partner(s) that we couldn't possibly guess them all. But here are a few options that could be perfect for the two of you. Take the ones you like, leave the rest for the other readers:

- __Dance:__ Pick a song you both love or find a [sexy playlist on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7ebQdxl0t7c8kr2nwFxOaJ?si=54acfefe3ea04338) and invite them to dance with you in your kitchen or living room. 
- __Striptease or lap dance:__ This one is also dancing, but it's just you busting a move this time. Get your Bluetooth speaker going with your favorite hot number and go to town with your partner.
- __Explore the outdoors:__ Suggest a hike or a bike ride to a private outdoor location and offer oral sex in the woods. This could satisfy a [sex-in-public fantasy](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/heres-why-people-are-so-into-sex-in-public/) with much lower stakes than, say, a well-traveled bike path or park bench.
- __Roleplay:__ Come up with alternate personas and communicate with each other as your persona for the evening. Pretend you're star-crossed lovers sneaking around to see each other in secret, meet at a bar and pretend that you're meeting for the first time that night. There’s always a sexy doctor, or nurse scenario, or a student-teacher role play up for grabs too. The possibilities are endless for this one; the only limit is your imagination.
- __Change up place and time:__ If sex so far has only happened at night in the bedroom, maybe try mixing it up. Find a different place in your apartment or house and go for it earlier in the day. 
- __Get outside help:__ An app like [Dipsea](https://app.dipseastories.com/signup) that provides all types of sexy stories can both get you going in the moment and give you new ideas about what to do next. Try listening with a partner and see what unfolds.
- __Introduce novelty:__ Get yourself or your partner some new lingerie or a sex toy just for the occasion. Offer to try something brand new, and be ready to communicate your boundaries.
- __Offer a sexy massage:__ Grab some massage oil and give your partner a sensual massage. If the rub-down is going well, offer up a happy ending.

You can try anything from this list, or maybe reading through these suggestions sparked a new idea of your own. Whatever you choose, it can be the first of many exciting encounters with your new partner. 

## A quick pep talk

Here’s some encouragement before we send you on your way to try out some sexy initiation (hey, why not go right after you’re done reading?). 

### Ignore gendered expectations

Much like engagement proposals and asking for second dates, initiating sex (in a straight relationship at least) can often default to the cis man. 

This is a societal construct that’s outdated and disempowering for anyone who isn’t a cis man (and, if we’re being honest, could be a burden for him too!). 

In today's modern world, stereotypical gender norms don't apply to most relationships or sexual encounters, and plenty of relationships don't involve a man at all. Shifting expectations around who can initiate sex can be a liberating start to getting over the hump (pun intended) of that potentially awkward moment. 

It might be helpful to have a conversation with your partner about gendered expectations at a time when neither of you is asking for sex. 

You could start by talking about your own sex drive and how you enjoy initiating sex, even if it defies conventional expectations. Express to your partner that you want to feel confident to initiate sex with them and that you want them to feel comfortable initiating sex too. If you've set some expectations out beforehand, it will likely help ease you into a future ask. 

### Teach your partner about yourself

It's also important to know yourself and be able to use characteristics of your own personality to break the ice or make the first move. Long-term partners would ideally know (and enjoy) each other’s humor, foreplay style, and particular turn-ons. Their familiarity with each other makes initiating sex a lot easier.

But with a newer partner, you can use unfamiliarity to your advantage. Tell them your favorite type of foreplay, for example, and ask for theirs. Learning is sexy! Share a sex position you’ve wanted to try, or maybe even a story about a past sexual encounter that you enjoyed. Just the hypothetical talk could be enough foreplay to get the ball rolling.

### Let rejection roll off your back

Part of what can make initiating sex so hard is the fear of rejection. It might be easier said than done, but try not to take it personally. People can be completely in love and super attracted to each other but have [very different sex drives](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/navigating-mismatched-desire/). Nine times out of 10, a rejection in the moment isn't a rejection of you; it’s just a “no” to that particular time on that particular day. 

Everyone's relationship is different, but it can sometimes diffuse that uncomfortable moment for both of you if you can make a silly joke or do something nice for your partner to let them know that it's OK (and expected) for them to state their needs. 

Being the rejector can be just as uncomfortable as being the rejectee, and you definitely don't want to make your partner feel obligated to have sex. And you want to set the stage for yourself in the future, should the roles be reversed. 

Initiating sex is always an ask, and questions can yield a multitude of answers. Make room for the yes, the no, and the in-between. Maybe they don't want to have full-on sex tonight but would be happy to cuddle or make out. 

## Getting in the mood

Initiating sex can be a fun challenge for you and your partner(s) to take turns playing with. Open, honest dialogue can help you feel closer and more comfortable initiating sex you can both get super excited about. 

Remember, the only rules are the ones you agree on. There are no set gender roles here, no strict definitions of sex, and no obligations. Rejection in the moment doesn't mean a rejection of you, so just roll with it, and move on to something else. 

The more you practice initiating, the more comfortable you'll be in the moment, and the more comfortable your partner will be to do the same for you. 

Check out [this mini-series](https://app.dipseastories.com/series/saying-yes-and-no-series) for more help with communicating with your partner about sex. In this series, you’ll learn how to tactfully navigate moments of mismatched desire and come out the other side closer than ever.

Learn how to initiate sex in a fun, flirty way with these creative ideas that work especially well in a relationship that’s new and still blossoming.

Be bold: 5 ideas for how to initiate sex in a new relationship

intiate-sex

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to try something new? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=polyblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

Most of us learned about relationships from our parents and the communities we grew up in. If most of the relationships you knew were couples, and ethical non-monogamy was nowhere to be seen, it's no surprise you were raised to think of a committed dyadic partnership as relationship goals. 

However, some people choose to challenge the notion that we have to limit sexual or romantic relationships to one other person by embracing ethical non-monogamy. 

[Non-monogamy isn't new](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5958351/). “The Ethical Slut,” a book about making ethical non-monogamous relationships, was initially published in 1997, and people were involved in consensual non-monogamous relationships long (really long) before that. 

Some studies indicate that [monogamy didn’t become the norm](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3260845/) until plow agriculture made paternity important for passing down land ownership. (Who knew farming had such an impact on our sex lives?) Now, we know sex and sexuality is about so much more than procreation.

Even though non-monogamy is a valid relationship structure, it's often undiscussed. Consensual non-monogamous relationships aren’t always visible because of the judgment people engaged in non-monogamy feel from family, friends, and society. It's almost as if people are more comfortable with infidelity than with talking about non-monogamy. 

Many people enter relationships assuming a monogamous commitment because they don't know other options exist. But the truth is we all get to have the relationship we want, whether that means a couple, a thruple, or a few different relationships with various partners. 

Considering ethical non-monogamy for the first time? You might be wondering how to get started and what the difference is between polyamory, swinging, open relationships, and more. 

Non-monogamy can exist in any form you and your partner (or partners) want, and it’s helpful to have a starting point for discussion. Here are some details about non-monogamous relationship structures, why people choose them, and what makes them work. Plus, we’ll share our thoughts on why the term “ethical non-monogamy” deserves a much-needed update.

## What is ethical non-monogamy?

Ethical non-monogamy, or ENM, is an umbrella term people use when they have consensual sexual or romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. [One in five adults reports having a non-monogamous relationship](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675?journalCode=usmt20) at some point.

People practice different forms of non-monogamy, and each group has its own ideas about what makes non-monogamy ethical. In each of these relationship structures, the focus is on honest communication and consent from all parties.

Here's a brief (non-exhaustive) list of the types of non-monogamous arrangements. 

### Polyamory

Polyamorous means "many loves," and people engaged in polyamory may indeed have several relationships. Some people practice hierarchical relationships where a primary relationship is most important. Other polyamorists follow egalitarian principles—they believe no one relationship is more important than another. 

These relationships can be open or involve polyfidelity, where a closed group of people remains faithful to each other. One thing polyamorists agree on, however, is consent and communication are vital to successful partnerships. 

### Swinging

Swinging couples engage in sexual relationships with other couples but don’t typically get romantically involved. Many swingers consider themselves “monogamish.” They are socially monogamous but engage in various levels of sexual activity with others. 

There are clubs, resorts, cruises, and other organizations dedicated to those in the lifestyle. These events are not the sort where everyone throws keys into a giant bowl and swaps partners. Typical swinger parties and events look like your weekend evening out with less clothing. There’s a focus on sensual environments, flirting, and consent.

### Open relationships 

In open relationships, a couple decides to have sexual relationships with other people. Generally, open relationships involve limiting secondary partners to [casual sex arrangements](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-make-casual-sex-meaningful/) and prioritize the relationship with the primary partner. 

The casual arrangements outside of the primary partnership provide variety and fun as long as everyone is on board with the established rules. 

### Relationship anarchy 

Some people refuse to place romantic relationships above friendships. They don’t want one primary partnership to take over their lives. Relationship anarchy offers a way of life that allows people to fly solo when they wish but have many close people in their lives. Some of these relationships are sexual, and others aren’t. 

## The appeal of consensual non-monogamy 

People get to have the kind of relationships they want. For many, that means a committed relationship with one person. For others, it means a series of monogamous relationships throughout their lives. But monogamy, serial or not, doesn’t have to be your default setting. Ethical non-monogamy is appealing for a variety of reasons.

### Honoring your unique sexuality and needs

People often assume those [choosing a non-monogamous relationship](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33990929/) do so because they want to have multiple sexual partners or because their primary relationship is lacking. 

But non-monogamy isn’t all about sex. Some non-monogamous people are asexual, and others have romantic relationships not involving sex. For some, the emotional connection is more critical than the sexual relationship.

Enjoying intimate relationships with more than one person can be especially beneficial to bisexual or pansexual people who don't want to choose one gender. Other people select non-monogamy as an answer to [unequal sex drives](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/navigating-mismatched-desire/). This can work in an otherwise secure and loving relationship.

### Increased autonomy

People who choose non-monogamy cite autonomy as a reason for having multiple romantic partners. Autonomy is more about individual freedom than having a variety of sexual encounters (but those are fun too!). 

In a long-term relationship, it’s common for people to lose a sense of themselves. Non-monogamous relationships can protect against losing yourself to please one other person.

### Removing pressure for one person to fulfill all needs

For people desiring personal growth, non-monogamy offers opportunities to challenge cultural beliefs about relationships. When we grow up with a narrative of finding one soulmate, expecting that one person to meet our needs and make us happy is almost compulsory. People in non-monogamous relationships realize no one person can fulfill us in all areas. 

Monogamy is not the default, and if ethical non-monogamy feels like the right choice for you, you have every right to pursue it and enjoy it. 

## Let's remove "ethical" from non-monogamy

The word “ethical” is often used as a qualifier to differentiate these relationships from cheating or non-consensual non-monogamy. Some argue adding the caveat "ethical" makes it seem as if non-monogamy is inherently immoral. 

Since the principles of non-monogamy involve open, honest assessment of personal needs and relationship goals as well as clear communication with everyone involved, it seems ethics are inherent. The only concern in non-monogamous relationships should be if all people involved know what they’re getting into and consent to it. That's no different than any other relationship.

As the prevalence of non-monogamous relationships increases, there is a big push to drop the “ethical” and move toward defining relationships as simply monogamous or non-monogamous. We’re on board with that!

## How non-monogamous relationships work

Some couples enter a non-monogamous relationship, and others decide on an open marriage or relationship after being monogamous for a time. Whether it happens from the start or morphs into an open relationship, what makes these arrangements work is love, self-awareness, and honest communication.

### Enjoy your partner’s joy

The sort of love required by ethical non-monogamy is free of control. Non-monogamy requires compersion, which means a sense of joy at your partner's enjoyment of another person or experience. Compersion isn't the opposite of jealousy but rather the willingness to move through feelings of jealousy to prioritize your partner's happiness. 

One principle of non-monogamy is that we cannot expect one person to meet all of our sexual and emotional needs. For example, if [your partner is interested in BDSM](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/a-beginners-guide-to-submission/) or other kinks, and you aren't, non-monogamy may offer a way for everyone to get their needs met. 

### Be self-aware and reflect often

People seeking non-monogamous relationships need a high level of self-awareness. Getting into a relationship with more than one person means you have to be aware of your physical affection, time, and communication needs and be willing to meet the needs of others. If you have any insecurities or triggers, identifying them is essential so you can communicate them to your partners. 

A common concern of couples considering non-monogamy is how to deal with jealousy. Those who embrace ENM relationships understand jealousy happens and can be an opportunity for both connection and personal growth. 

As you start out, remember this: Your partner’s connection with another person doesn’t diminish their feelings for you. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to believe right away! Take some time to contemplate your feelings and insecurities as you start this new chapter. This very normal emotional process can help you grow in your confidence and sense of self-worth.

### Check in regularly and honestly

In all non-monogamous arrangements, honest communication, especially about complicated topics like sex, jealousy, and mental health, is vital. People in open, swinging, or polyamorous arrangements regularly check in with their partners to ensure the relationship meets everyone's needs. 

Non-monogamy requires mutual consent about things such as the [use of dating apps](https://app.dipseastories.com/series/swipe-right-series), threesomes, sexual health precautions, and what to do about any feelings that arise. 

Most non-monogamous partners create a set of rules to ensure the arrangement meets everyone's emotional and physical needs. Everyone involved has a right to feel safe, loved, and secure. These rules may change over time through experience and communication. 

## Explore non-monogamy through erotic audio 

If you’re interested in exploring non-monogamy but aren't sure where to start, listening to erotic audio involving non-monogamous relationships may help. It can expose you to how these relationships work and give you the language to discuss them with your current or future partners. 

Whether you’re interested in a story [about a triad](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/press-play) or [one involving group sex](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/bloom), we have several stories featuring non-monogamy for your listening pleasure on Dipsea. When you choose erotic audio from Dipsea you’ll be immersed in a vivid, sesual adventure. Happy listening!

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=polyblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

  <div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/press-play">
    <img src="//images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/5u3ldQ65eL4JZd25xlRAYO/5a1f23800b4915cd6c6ddaf02515c87f/500-183_PressPlayClemenceGouy__1_-fs8.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Press Play</p>
  </a>
</div>

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 0 0 10px">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/bloom">
    <img src="//images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/4RzTcUn2jPmf3hap9ADu1S/1a0965c07ae209e7d9d81d63677527a8/500-89_Bloom.jpeg?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Bloom</p>
  </a>
</div>

</div>
</div>

<br /><br />


Most of us learned about relationships from our parents and the communities we grew up in. If most of the relationships you knew were couples, and ethical non-monogamy was nowhere to be seen, it's no surprise you were raised to think of a committed dyadic partnership as relationship goals. 

However, some people choose to challenge the notion that we have to limit sexual or romantic relationships to one other person by embracing ethical non-monogamy. 

[Non-monogamy isn't new](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5958351/). “The Ethical Slut,” a book about making ethical non-monogamous relationships, was initially published in 1997, and people were involved in consensual non-monogamous relationships long (really long) before that. 

Some studies indicate that [monogamy didn’t become the norm](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3260845/) until plow agriculture made paternity important for passing down land ownership. (Who knew farming had such an impact on our sex lives?) Now, we know sex and sexuality is about so much more than procreation.

Even though non-monogamy is a valid relationship structure, it's often undiscussed. Consensual non-monogamous relationships aren’t always visible because of the judgment people engaged in non-monogamy feel from family, friends, and society. It's almost as if people are more comfortable with infidelity than with talking about non-monogamy. 

Many people enter relationships assuming a monogamous commitment because they don't know other options exist. But the truth is we all get to have the relationship we want, whether that means a couple, a thruple, or a few different relationships with various partners. 

Considering ethical non-monogamy for the first time? You might be wondering how to get started and what the difference is between polyamory, swinging, open relationships, and more. 

Non-monogamy can exist in any form you and your partner (or partners) want, and it’s helpful to have a starting point for discussion. Here are some details about non-monogamous relationship structures, why people choose them, and what makes them work. Plus, we’ll share our thoughts on why the term “ethical non-monogamy” deserves a much-needed update.

## What is ethical non-monogamy?

Ethical non-monogamy, or ENM, is an umbrella term people use when they have consensual sexual or romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. [One in five adults reports having a non-monogamous relationship](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675?journalCode=usmt20) at some point.

People practice different forms of non-monogamy, and each group has its own ideas about what makes non-monogamy ethical. In each of these relationship structures, the focus is on honest communication and consent from all parties.

Here's a brief (non-exhaustive) list of the types of non-monogamous arrangements. 

### Polyamory

Polyamorous means "many loves," and people engaged in polyamory may indeed have several relationships. Some people practice hierarchical relationships where a primary relationship is most important. Other polyamorists follow egalitarian principles—they believe no one relationship is more important than another. 

These relationships can be open or involve polyfidelity, where a closed group of people remains faithful to each other. One thing polyamorists agree on, however, is consent and communication are vital to successful partnerships. 

### Swinging

Swinging couples engage in sexual relationships with other couples but don’t typically get romantically involved. Many swingers consider themselves “monogamish.” They are socially monogamous but engage in various levels of sexual activity with others. 

There are clubs, resorts, cruises, and other organizations dedicated to those in the lifestyle. These events are not the sort where everyone throws keys into a giant bowl and swaps partners. Typical swinger parties and events look like your weekend evening out with less clothing. There’s a focus on sensual environments, flirting, and consent.

### Open relationships 

In open relationships, a couple decides to have sexual relationships with other people. Generally, open relationships involve limiting secondary partners to [casual sex arrangements](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-make-casual-sex-meaningful/) and prioritize the relationship with the primary partner. 

The casual arrangements outside of the primary partnership provide variety and fun as long as everyone is on board with the established rules. 

### Relationship anarchy 

Some people refuse to place romantic relationships above friendships. They don’t want one primary partnership to take over their lives. Relationship anarchy offers a way of life that allows people to fly solo when they wish but have many close people in their lives. Some of these relationships are sexual, and others aren’t. 

## The appeal of consensual non-monogamy 

People get to have the kind of relationships they want. For many, that means a committed relationship with one person. For others, it means a series of monogamous relationships throughout their lives. But monogamy, serial or not, doesn’t have to be your default setting. Ethical non-monogamy is appealing for a variety of reasons.

### Honoring your unique sexuality and needs

People often assume those [choosing a non-monogamous relationship](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33990929/) do so because they want to have multiple sexual partners or because their primary relationship is lacking. 

But non-monogamy isn’t all about sex. Some non-monogamous people are asexual, and others have romantic relationships not involving sex. For some, the emotional connection is more critical than the sexual relationship.

Enjoying intimate relationships with more than one person can be especially beneficial to bisexual or pansexual people who don't want to choose one gender. Other people select non-monogamy as an answer to [unequal sex drives](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/navigating-mismatched-desire/). This can work in an otherwise secure and loving relationship.

### Increased autonomy

People who choose non-monogamy cite autonomy as a reason for having multiple romantic partners. Autonomy is more about individual freedom than having a variety of sexual encounters (but those are fun too!). 

In a long-term relationship, it’s common for people to lose a sense of themselves. Non-monogamous relationships can protect against losing yourself to please one other person.

### Removing pressure for one person to fulfill all needs

For people desiring personal growth, non-monogamy offers opportunities to challenge cultural beliefs about relationships. When we grow up with a narrative of finding one soulmate, expecting that one person to meet our needs and make us happy is almost compulsory. People in non-monogamous relationships realize no one person can fulfill us in all areas. 

Monogamy is not the default, and if ethical non-monogamy feels like the right choice for you, you have every right to pursue it and enjoy it. 

## Let's remove "ethical" from non-monogamy

The word “ethical” is often used as a qualifier to differentiate these relationships from cheating or non-consensual non-monogamy. Some argue adding the caveat "ethical" makes it seem as if non-monogamy is inherently immoral. 

Since the principles of non-monogamy involve open, honest assessment of personal needs and relationship goals as well as clear communication with everyone involved, it seems ethics are inherent. The only concern in non-monogamous relationships should be if all people involved know what they’re getting into and consent to it. That's no different than any other relationship.

As the prevalence of non-monogamous relationships increases, there is a big push to drop the “ethical” and move toward defining relationships as simply monogamous or non-monogamous. We’re on board with that!

## How non-monogamous relationships work

Some couples enter a non-monogamous relationship, and others decide on an open marriage or relationship after being monogamous for a time. Whether it happens from the start or morphs into an open relationship, what makes these arrangements work is love, self-awareness, and honest communication.

### Enjoy your partner’s joy

The sort of love required by ethical non-monogamy is free of control. Non-monogamy requires compersion, which means a sense of joy at your partner's enjoyment of another person or experience. Compersion isn't the opposite of jealousy but rather the willingness to move through feelings of jealousy to prioritize your partner's happiness. 

One principle of non-monogamy is that we cannot expect one person to meet all of our sexual and emotional needs. For example, if [your partner is interested in BDSM](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/a-beginners-guide-to-submission/) or other kinks, and you aren't, non-monogamy may offer a way for everyone to get their needs met. 

### Be self-aware and reflect often

People seeking non-monogamous relationships need a high level of self-awareness. Getting into a relationship with more than one person means you have to be aware of your physical affection, time, and communication needs and be willing to meet the needs of others. If you have any insecurities or triggers, identifying them is essential so you can communicate them to your partners. 

A common concern of couples considering non-monogamy is how to deal with jealousy. Those who embrace ENM relationships understand jealousy happens and can be an opportunity for both connection and personal growth. 

As you start out, remember this: Your partner’s connection with another person doesn’t diminish their feelings for you. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to believe right away! Take some time to contemplate your feelings and insecurities as you start this new chapter. This very normal emotional process can help you grow in your confidence and sense of self-worth.

### Check in regularly and honestly

In all non-monogamous arrangements, honest communication, especially about complicated topics like sex, jealousy, and mental health, is vital. People in open, swinging, or polyamorous arrangements regularly check in with their partners to ensure the relationship meets everyone's needs. 

Non-monogamy requires mutual consent about things such as the [use of dating apps](https://app.dipseastories.com/series/swipe-right-series), threesomes, sexual health precautions, and what to do about any feelings that arise. 

Most non-monogamous partners create a set of rules to ensure the arrangement meets everyone's emotional and physical needs. Everyone involved has a right to feel safe, loved, and secure. These rules may change over time through experience and communication. 

## Explore non-monogamy through erotic audio 

If you’re interested in exploring non-monogamy but aren't sure where to start, listening to erotic audio involving non-monogamous relationships may help. It can expose you to how these relationships work and give you the language to discuss them with your current or future partners. 

Whether you’re interested in a story [about a triad](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/press-play) or [one involving group sex](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/bloom), we have several stories featuring non-monogamy for your listening pleasure on Dipsea. When you choose erotic audio from Dipsea you’ll be immersed in a vivid, sesual adventure. Happy listening!

Learn everything you’ve been wanting to know about ethical non-monogamy, like why people love it, what makes it work, and some helpful tips for getting started.

Ethical non-monogamy: Multi-partner relationships 101

Ready to try something new? Dipsea has you covered.