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A quick scroll through dating apps proves threesomes are the most common sexual fantasy among men and women. Does that mean everyone is enjoying a ménage à trois on Saturday night at their local sex club? Nope. In reality, the 2015 Sexual Exploration in America Study found that only about 10% of women and 18% of men report having had a threesome. While not all sexual fantasies become a reality, it seems that many people want to have a threesome but haven’t figured out how to make it happen.
Threesomes come in various flavors, but all fall into either same-gender or mixed-gender three-ways. A mixed-gender threesome can include two men and a woman, two women and a man, or any combination of non-binary people.
If you're one of the people who fantasize about group sex but haven't enjoyed a ménage à trois yet, you may wonder how to have a threesome. Read on for details about why people want threesomes, challenges to enjoying them, and tips for having a successful threesome where everyone feels included and valued.
Why do people want to have threesomes?
Threesomes may be one of the most popular sexual fantasies, but people want them for different reasons. Threesomes may or may not be common in open relationships, and many people who otherwise enjoy monogamy want threesomes. Sometimes group sex just happens among a group of people without much forethought. If you (or your partners) want to discuss how to have a threesome, here's a (non-exhaustive) list of the reasons to explore group sex.
Extra sexual attention
Imagine a sexual experience where someone performed oral sex on you while another person stimulated all of your other erogenous zones. The idea of having that much sexual attention motivates many people to seek out threesomes. Sure, we can simulate extra hands, tongues, and penises with sex toys, but the thrill of having actual extra hands is appealing for many.
Voyeurism
Sometimes people want to invite a third person into the bedroom because they want to watch their partner enjoy pleasure. Sexual voyeurs are people who like to watch others engage sexually with one another. Voyeurism is a common sexual fantasy and one that pairs well with group sex.
Best of both worlds
While many bisexual or pansexual people choose to be in monogamous relationships with people of one gender, others don't. For people who practice non-monogamy, a threesome allows them to simultaneously enjoy people of different genders. Threesomes can provide a best of both worlds sexual experience for a non-monogamous bisexual person.
Spice up their sex life
Some people turn to non-monogamy to add variety to a long-term relationship. While adding some spice is a sufficient reason to seek a threesome, an established couple needs to keep the needs and feelings of a guest star in mind to discuss how to have a threesome in the confines of their relationship.
Of course, you may want a threesome when you're flying solo as well because you love adding variety to your sex life. Seeking a threesome as a single person means you can find two other singles or a couple interested in playtime. Be sure to speak up and advocate for your needs, so you get the orgasms you deserve.
And the group sex session can pay off later—a threesome presents an opportunity for a fun sexual experience you can reflect on anytime the masturbation mood strikes.
It just happened
Of course, a threesome might just organically happen. Whether it's three friends, three strangers, or a couple and a third, sometimes hook-ups happens spontaneously. We're all for it!
How to have a threesome
Many of the challenges to having a successful threesome are the same challenges faced when you have partnered sex. Many of these difficulties disappear if you communicate with your partners about how you want to have a threesome. If you're hoping for or planning your first threesome, here are some tips for overcoming common challenges.
Discuss why you want a three-way
We mentioned some different reasons people want threesomes. If you're exploring how to have a threesome with your partner, learning about your motivation (and theirs) can help ensure the experience meets everyone's expectations.
You may want a threesome because you like the idea of watching your partner with another person, but your partner may want the extra hands and sexual attention. In that case, being upfront allows you to find common ground. Maybe you alternate between watching and participating, so you both get what you want.
If you're a couple, include your guest star in the conversation about expectations and boundaries in advance. It's also crucial to discuss any fears about having a threesome. Do you worry about jealousy? Are you concerned that feelings may develop between two parties?
Some people find it helpful to create a sex menu of all the sex acts (i.e., BDSM, use of sex toys, oral sex, penetration) on the table and create a safe word if someone needs the action to stop briefly or permanently.
Establish rules for finding a third person
If you're a couple wondering how to have a threesome and seeking a third person, it's essential to maintain the boundaries of your relationship while taking care of another human.
Many couples think they prefer to play with a close friend, while others recognize the risks involved in bringing a friend into the bedroom and keep friends off-limits. Some couples turn to dating sites to find a third person. In that case, meet up first to ensure chemistry, safety, and compatibility.
Think about safety
Having sex with more people isn't inherently more risky than monogamy as long as everyone is upfront about STI status, other partners, use of condoms, and birth control. Conversing about these health risks with potential partners ensures everyone can relax during the experience.
How to bring up threesomes with your partner
If you're in an established didactic relationship and want to plan a threesome, you may struggle to bring up the idea to your partner. Conversations about sex are emotionally charged, and you may worry that your partner will judge your interest in introducing a third person.
Try initiating a conversation about threesomes as a fantasy to gauge their interest. Maybe they have the same fantasy and you can use that common ground as a starting point for moving the fantasy to real life.
Aftercare for spontaneous threesomes
While a spontaneous sex pile may be erotic and exciting, it can also cause complicated feelings afterward, especially if some participants have an otherwise monogamous partnership.
If you and your partner wind up in an impromptu sex pile, check in after to ensure you both feel safe and connected despite stepping outside your comfort zone. Engage in aftercare like cuddling, showering together, or winding down in any comfortable way.
It may also be helpful to spend some extra time and effort attending to your partner’s needs in the days and weeks after a threesome so they feel reassured that your relationship is stable.
That being said, the needs of every member of a threesome are equally important. Despite what we see in movies, casual sex doesn't have to be heartless. It's not weird to thoughtfully check in and engage in aftercare with your casual hookup partners, especially a third person that might have joined you as a couple.
If a threesome happens among three friends, communication is essential so everyone knows what to expect next. Maybe you want to ensure that everyone understands that a fun night doesn't equal the beginnings of a relationship for you. Or maybe having sex brought up deeper feelings, and you want to discuss it. You get to determine what you want to share and the conversations you want to foster.
Post-sex, something as simple as asking each person, "How are you feeling?" can go a long way. Maybe all parties want to wind down and engage in aftercare, maybe they want a snack, maybe they just want to head home, or maybe they'd appreciate a more in-depth check-in once a few days have passed.
Use audio stories to naturally spark conversation
Sometimes, sharing erotic stimuli creates an easy path to a discussion about your sexual fantasies. Dipsea offers short, captivating erotic audio and guided meditation sessions designed to connect you with your desires. Connecting with yourself can help you figure out what about a threesome appeals to you. Once you understand why you want a threesome, it might be easier to share those reasons with your partner.
If you're looking for help discussing how to have a threesome with your partner, try listening as Sebastian and Benji shower you with sexual attention. If you’re keeping threesomes as a fantasy for now, let our narrator guide you through a threesome fantasy masturbation sesh.
Listen, light yourself up.
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