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BDSM spanking: A beginner’s guide to safe, sexy spanking

Molly Frances|2021.12.14

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Spanking is common in mainstream conversations about people embracing a sex-positive view of kink and fetish play. However, proper BDSM spanking involves more than just a slap on the behind during doggy-style sex.

BDSM spanking involves one person as a dominant or top and the other as a submissive or bottom. In BDSM, there is a consensual power dynamic between the individuals that both find arousing. Spanking can involve using a hand, a paddle, a whip, or other flogging device. BDSM spanking may be gentle or hard enough to leave marks.

If you're curious about BDSM spanking, or if you've tried a bit and want more (and who could blame you), you may be looking for more ways to include this practice in your partnered playtime. Read on for a comprehensive guide to arm you and your partner(s) with the knowledge you need to incorporate BDSM spanking into your sex life.

What is BDSM spanking?

BDSM is a sexual practice that involves a power dynamic. Generally, BDSM relationships include some or all of the following:

  • Bondage: BDSM bondage involves restricting movement with ropes, handcuffs, or even chains.

  • Discipline: Doms will use physical (BDSM spankings) and verbal (name-calling or praise) discipline to reinforce behavior.

  • Dominance and submission: Sometimes, one partner is always the dom, and one is always the sub, and sometimes couples switch back and forth.

  • Sadomasochism: Pleasure from inflicting or receiving physical or emotional pain (with consent).

BDSM relationships vary from those who dabble in the lifestyle to hardcore BDSM followers. All BDSM relationships have in common reliance on consent, communication, and safety.

BDSM is not about turning someone into your sex slave (but it can be). Instead, partners agree to role play in ways that include dressing in lingerie, forced orgasms, orgasm denial, or restraints. BDSM spankings are one way they may choose to play. The consensual power dynamic makes a BDSM spanking different from your partner swatting your behind during sex.

Why do people enjoy spanking?

Some people enjoy BDSM spanking because it releases dopamine and causes their brain's pleasure center to catch fire. But, other people just find spanking to be painful. So, what makes BDSM spanking erotic for those who enjoy it?

Endorphins are released in the brain when you feel pleasure and they can even dull pain. These hormones explain why some people associate spanking with pleasure. BDSM spankings can be included as foreplay, used during penetrative sex, or be the main event all by themselves. Many people who enjoy BDSM spankings say that the pain heightens all other sensations and makes their sexual experience hotter.

Myths about spanking

There used to be a stigma that classified people into BDSM or kink as deviants. That view of the BDSM community is a huge misconception. People who are into role play, dominance, submission, bondage, BDSM spankings, or any other kinky sexual behavior aren't deviant—they just like kinky sex. Let's clarify a few myths about BDSM spankings.

Myth #1: Spankings leave bruises

Some people into hard spankings find pain pleasurable, especially if they're into masochism, and may enjoy spankings that are hard enough to leave marks or bruises. Since pleasure reduces our body's pain response, it's possible a flogging hard enough to leave marks may not feel exceedingly painful to the recipient.

Because BDSM involves informed, enthusiastic consent, a submissive may ask for or agree to a series of spankings designed to leave a mark. A dominant may use belt spankings or paddling, providing more force than a bare hand.

However, plenty of people are into ass spanking that is gentle and never leaves a mark. Moreover, learning to administer proper BDSM spanking techniques will ensure that a dominant doesn't leave marks without consent.

Myth #2: Spanking is always punishment

Some people who enjoy BDSM use spankings as a form of (consensual) punishment. But that isn't always the case. Depending on the scene partners are engaged in, BDSM spanking is all about the pleasure of the submissive.

Myth #3: You can't hurt someone with erotic spankings

Impact play is acceptable on specific body areas, but other areas can cause mild or severe injury. It's also possible that the person administering the BDSM spanking could hurt their hand or arm if they don’t use proper techniques. BDSM spanking classes offered at BDSM clubs and local sex toy shops spend a lot of time focusing on technique so that all partners can play safely and avoid injury.

Myth #4: Submissives are usually women

Female dominants, or femdoms, are just as common in the BDSM world as male dominants, not just in lesbian BDSM relationships. BDSM pairings exist in relationships of all genders and orientations. Some people are switches, meaning they alternate between the two with their partner(s).

Types of BDSM spankings

Impact play varies in type and intensity. Here is a (non-exhaustive) list of the kinds of BDSM spankings popular in the kink community, with a quick definition to help you discuss them with your partner(s):

  • Ass spanking: This is typically an open palm against the bare (or partially bare) butt. This type of spanking can occur during penetrative sex or foreplay. Many people enjoy an over the knee or OTK spanking.

  • Belt spankings: BDSM spankings administered with a belt.

  • Paddling: This involves using a paddle made of wood, plastic, or even metal. Paddles come in a variety of shapes for different sensations. Some BDSM paddles for hardcore spankings have designs carved to leave a mark on the receiver’s behind.

  • Flogging: BDSM spanking where the dominant uses a whip. Some gentle cloth whips won't leave a mark, but many prefer the sting of leather or even chains.

  • Pussy spanking: Many vulva-owners enjoy having their genitals slapped with a hand or toy. This area is sensitive so go easy.

  • Caning: Hitting someone with a cane or stick. The cane is typically flexible since the point is to straddle the line between pleasure and pain rather than inflict actual injury.

Learn the right way to give or receive a BDSM spanking

As with any component of BDSM, spanking requires absolute trust between the dominant and submissive. However, that doesn't mean you can only incorporate BDSM into a committed relationship.

Plenty of people involved in BDSM do so with a casual partner who excels at communicating about sex. The important thing is to openly discuss soft and hard limits surrounding BDSM spanking and know the person you're with will stop as soon as you need.

Start gentle

If you're curious about BDSM spanking, be sure to start slowly. Alternating gentle rubbing of a submissive's butt with light slaps is a kinky addition to fingering or other foreplay.

Once you've explored using just a bare hand, you may wish to add some sex toys designed for spanking. Paddles are popular, as are riding crops, floggers, and canes. Like with a hand, it's essential to start slowly each time you introduce a new spanking device.

Know which areas of the body are safe to hit and which to avoid

Soft impact play in the face, breasts, genitals, lower legs, or feet is usually safe. However, hardcore BDSM spanking should only be used on areas of the body with lots of muscle or fat to protect your internal organs. Your butt, hips, and upper thighs are good places to practice spanking.

It's vital to avoid the back and abdomen areas because you could injure a person's kidneys or other internal organs. Joints such as elbows, knees, and the bony regions like your tailbone and spine can sustain severe injuries from BDSM spankings.

How to introduce erotic spanking in your relationship

OK, you're ready to ask your partner to enter into a deeper level of trust with you and explore BDSM spanking together. While knowing what types of spanking you want to try and how to explore safely is essential, it can still be challenging to communicate about it.

Sure, you could show your partner a BDSM compilation of free porn full of cumshots and slave girls on a webcam, but that's not going to help them understand what you need. As with any sexual exploration, communication is vital for BDSM spankings.

When you bring up spanking is entirely up to you, but initiating the conversation outside of sexual activity ensures everyone has a clear head to discuss needs and wants. Try playing a game where you and a partner sort cards with sex acts such as BDSM spankings, fisting, making an erotic video, blowjobs, mutual masturbation, or threesomes into three piles: things you'd like to try, things you don't want to try, and things you're curious about.

This game can spark a conversation that's sure to spice things up and can help you explain to your partner what it is about spanking that turns you on.

Alternatively, you can introduce the idea as dirty talk during sex so you aren't breaking the mood. Try saying something like, "Can I slap your ass while I use your vibrator on you?" It's essential to check in with your partner during sex because consenting once doesn't mean they want more and more. Try saying "Do you like that?" or "Do you want more?" after a gentle slap.

Tap into your fantasy

Maybe BDSM spanking is still just a fantasy for you, or perhaps you're looking for something to remind you of that one time her hand connected with your backside while you were straddling her. In that case, allow Dipsea to help.

Listen to Leaving a Mark, where a professor punishes a student (when she asks nicely). If lesbian BDSM is more your speed, try Hooked II, where Eve obliges when Kelly begs to have it harder.

Listen, light yourself up.

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