<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">No matter how you experience desire, Dipsea can be the spark.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

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Time is a flat circle, according to Matthew McConaughey. I’ll listen to anything he says in his drawl, honestly, but that phrase in particular always stuck with me. It was the one ringing in my head this week when I found Emily Nagoski’s 2015 New York Times Op-Ed, “Nothing is Wrong with your Sex Drive.” It was written three years ago, but it's the same conversation I find myself having over and over again today. 

Dr. Nagoski wrote the article in response to the news that Sprout Pharmaceuticals was resubmitting its drug Flibanserin to the FDA, a drug meant to treat low libido in women. The major problem, as she saw it? That the company was trying to treat something that *isn’t a disease*. 

Fast forward three years. Flibanserin has gotten a millennial pink rebrand as Addyi, and is popping up on billboards all over San Francisco, and on ads in my Instagram feed. Instead of focusing on the company behind the ads, I’d rather focus on the cultural issues they’re still capitalizing on. 

Think about it for a second: do you yourself buy into the cultural narrative that women are less sexual than men? There are all sorts of societal myths on how much we should want, and like, and have sex. Too many women believe that their sex drive, or their very experience of sexuality, is disordered. That they don't want sex enough, that real pleasure and orgasm are out of reach, that something's broken. Inversely, women who want and express their desire for sex frequently have to deal with the perception that this is somehow "wrong" too.

> Too many women believe that their sex drive, or their very experience of sexuality, is disordered.

These pervasive beliefs, this list of “shoulds” we’re framing our sexual lives with, are leaving room for companies to sell pharmaceutical solutions to “fix it”.

So what if we took a step back and tried to tell the story another way. For millennia, male sexuality has dictated the cultural understanding of what a sex drive is, what arousal is, what orgasm is. Imagine if, instead of saying what is true for men should be true for women, we examined what other options there were. 

In other words, let’s stop viewing low female libido as a *disorder*, but rather as a *symptom*. A symptom of a culture that hasn’t asked women what they really need to feel sexual. It’s simply a misconception, held by men and women alike, that female desire should work like men’s.

> It's simply a misconception that female desire should work like men's. 

One of the most exciting things I’ve discovered in all my reading on sexuality is an idea called responsive vs. spontaneous desire. “Spontaneous desire” is the one we’re all most familiar with: I want you, I need you, oh baby oh baby. Sudden, intense, and immediate desire that makes arousal easy. 

But “Responsive desire" is what a lot of people (notably, women—but of course, not all women) actually experience. Instead of existing as a random urge, desire surfaces as a response: maybe a partner giving you a back massage. Or, if we’re being really honest, desire surfaces in response to a back massage...when the lighting is really good, and you went to the gym this morning and feel strong, and you’re also blissfully not at all stressed about work this week. 

Do you get where I’m going with this? In what we’ll call “highly erotic contexts”, when things feel “just right,” most women have a much easier time unlocking their sexuality. Wonderful, important work by sexuality researchers and psychologists like Dr. Emily Nagoski means we’re coming to a new understanding—women are actually just as sexual as men, they’re just more likely to experience responsive sexual desire. That knowledge is incredibly empowering. It will help to take a lot of the shame out of the equation, and pave the way for new paradigms and solutions for women to context set, get in the flow, set the mood, get turned on, whatever you want to call it. 

And guess what? That’s exactly what we’re trying to do at Dipsea. Ready to expreience it for yourself? Begin a 7-day free trial today and start exploring! 

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
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_Learn more about Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire in Dr. Emily Nagoski’s book "Come As You Are"._


Time is a flat circle, according to Matthew McConaughey. I’ll listen to anything he says in his drawl, honestly, but that phrase in particular always stuck with me. It was the one ringing in my head this week when I found Emily Nagoski’s 2015 New York Times Op-Ed, “Nothing is Wrong with your Sex Drive.” It was written three years ago, but it's the same conversation I find myself having over and over again today. 

Dr. Nagoski wrote the article in response to the news that Sprout Pharmaceuticals was resubmitting its drug Flibanserin to the FDA, a drug meant to treat low libido in women. The major problem, as she saw it? That the company was trying to treat something that *isn’t a disease*. 

Fast forward three years. Flibanserin has gotten a millennial pink rebrand as Addyi, and is popping up on billboards all over San Francisco, and on ads in my Instagram feed. Instead of focusing on the company behind the ads, I’d rather focus on the cultural issues they’re still capitalizing on. 

Think about it for a second: do you yourself buy into the cultural narrative that women are less sexual than men? There are all sorts of societal myths on how much we should want, and like, and have sex. Too many women believe that their sex drive, or their very experience of sexuality, is disordered. That they don't want sex enough, that real pleasure and orgasm are out of reach, that something's broken. Inversely, women who want and express their desire for sex frequently have to deal with the perception that this is somehow "wrong" too.

> Too many women believe that their sex drive, or their very experience of sexuality, is disordered.

These pervasive beliefs, this list of “shoulds” we’re framing our sexual lives with, are leaving room for companies to sell pharmaceutical solutions to “fix it”.

So what if we took a step back and tried to tell the story another way. For millennia, male sexuality has dictated the cultural understanding of what a sex drive is, what arousal is, what orgasm is. Imagine if, instead of saying what is true for men should be true for women, we examined what other options there were. 

In other words, let’s stop viewing low female libido as a *disorder*, but rather as a *symptom*. A symptom of a culture that hasn’t asked women what they really need to feel sexual. It’s simply a misconception, held by men and women alike, that female desire should work like men’s.

> It's simply a misconception that female desire should work like men's. 

One of the most exciting things I’ve discovered in all my reading on sexuality is an idea called responsive vs. spontaneous desire. “Spontaneous desire” is the one we’re all most familiar with: I want you, I need you, oh baby oh baby. Sudden, intense, and immediate desire that makes arousal easy. 

But “Responsive desire" is what a lot of people (notably, women—but of course, not all women) actually experience. Instead of existing as a random urge, desire surfaces as a response: maybe a partner giving you a back massage. Or, if we’re being really honest, desire surfaces in response to a back massage...when the lighting is really good, and you went to the gym this morning and feel strong, and you’re also blissfully not at all stressed about work this week. 

Do you get where I’m going with this? In what we’ll call “highly erotic contexts”, when things feel “just right,” most women have a much easier time unlocking their sexuality. Wonderful, important work by sexuality researchers and psychologists like Dr. Emily Nagoski means we’re coming to a new understanding—women are actually just as sexual as men, they’re just more likely to experience responsive sexual desire. That knowledge is incredibly empowering. It will help to take a lot of the shame out of the equation, and pave the way for new paradigms and solutions for women to context set, get in the flow, set the mood, get turned on, whatever you want to call it. 

And guess what? That’s exactly what we’re trying to do at Dipsea. Ready to expreience it for yourself? Begin a 7-day free trial today and start exploring! 

_Learn more about Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire in Dr. Emily Nagoski’s book "Come As You Are"._

Understanding responsive vs. spontaneous desire

Responsive-vs-Spontantious

Responsive vs. spontaneous desire

hometown

Hometown

office-hours

Office Hours I

No matter how you experience desire, Dipsea can be the spark.

Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in.

share-image-dusk

Welcome to The Deep Dive , a bright spot on the internet to let your hair down, get curious, and dive into the wonder and joy of sex and intimacy.

Welcome to The Deep Dive, a bright spot on the internet to let your hair down, get curious, and dive into the wonder and joy of sex and intimacy.

Dipsea Blog - The Deep Dive 

Dipsea Blog | Welcome to The Deep Dive , a bright spot on the internet to let your hair down, get curious, and dive into the wonder and joy of sex and intimacy.

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to take your next solo sesh to a whole new level? That's what Dipsea is for.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

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If you've landed on this article, chances are you've been having a little trouble in the orgasm department. The truth is, if you don't know how to make yourself cum, a partner might not know either. We’re a fan of exploring all the beautiful parts of your own body and learning what it takes to see fireworks, especially if you're hoping for partnered sex to get you there. 

That's where a healthy masturbation habit comes in. If you're new to masturbation, feeling a little weird about it, or have just found that it does nothing for you, we're here to help. Learning how to make yourself cum takes practice and patience, so start by giving yourself a break, taking a deep breath, and coming at this with fresh eyes and possibly some fun sex toys. Get excited, you're about to have an orgasm.

## You're not alone

Before we dive into the deep end of all things orgasm, we want to first emphasize that you’re not alone. About 10-15% of women have [never had an orgasm](https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001953.htm#:~:text=About%2010%25%20to%2015%25%20of,for%20an%20orgasm%20to%20happen.), and orgasmic challenges are the [second most frequently reported sexual issue](https://www.nature.com/articles/ijir20148#ref-CR4) in women. The reasons for this vary, including psychological and emotional state (especially anxiety), past traumas, a sense of unsafety, low self-esteem, and feelings of sexual openness with a partner. These are [all contributors](https://bedbible.com/orgasm-statistics/) to why vulva owners can have difficulty, even more so than a lack of experience with masturbation or sexual partners. 

So, while we'll focus on helping you figure out how to make yourself cum, the mechanics will only get you so far if you're experiencing some of these other roadblocks. Let's first try and get you into the mindset and then go over some masturbation techniques.

## Masturbation 101: mindset, setup, and orgasm

Plenty of vulva owners grew up conditioned to feel shame around masturbation and sexual pleasure in general. While we can't instantly take away this mental block, we do want to emphasize that masturbation is healthy and normal. 

Sex, sexual health, pleasure, exploration, masturbation, and orgasms are all natural, good, and important parts of living a happy, healthy life. There’s no shame in experiencing pleasure and no reason to be embarrassed.

There’s also the possibility that you’re putting [too much pressure on yourself](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/stop-obsessing-over-orgasms/) if you’ve never experienced an orgasm. Give yourself a break and take the pressure off of the experience before going into it. If you've never experienced an orgasm before, either with yourself or with a partner, try to relax as the first step. It's a journey of learning and self-love, so start with that.

### Pamper yourself

Self-love is the name of the game here. Consider creating a [solo sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/solo-sex/) experience, which is a little more involved than going straight into masturbating. In solo sex, you're seducing yourself to help ease you into the [right mindset](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/women-sex-drive/) for self-pleasure and exploration. This first time may not yield the result you're looking for, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself and the process. And you never know, this new approach could be exactly what you need to cross over into O-land. 

Try relaxing your muscles with a warm bubble bath. Rub scented oil on yourself afterward. Put on a [sexy playlist](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/summer-bedroom-jams/) and dance in the mirror, admiring your own body.

### Set the scene

Create the most relaxing environment possible for your solo sex sesh. For you that might mean cleaning up your room or changing the sheets before you get started. You might light some candles or diffuse some essential oils and put on your favorite underwear. 

Dim the lights, keep your playlist going, or turn on some audio erotica from [Dipsea](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/self-touch-sensation-play) to provide some sonic sexiness while you explore.

### Take a deep breath ... or 10

[Breathwork](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/breathing-deeply-basics) can be amazingly stimulating—but also relaxing. It's interesting that you'd want both sensations during a solo sesh, but when you think about it, you really do. 

[Deep breathing](https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/stress/why-deep-breathing-makes-you-feel-so-chill) helps put your sympathetic nervous system (the one that governs your stress, nervousness, and anxiety) on pause and allows your parasympathetic nervous system (the one that controls rest and relaxation) to take over. In fact, it's literally impossible for your body to release stress hormones when your parasympathetic nervous system is in charge. Try closing your eyes and counting to five on the inhale and then five on the exhale. Once you're comfortable with that, bump it up to a seven-count. Notice how your body feels as you breathe. 

As for stimulation, deep breathing brings oxygen into your bloodstream and to all the body parts that need it. Sexologist Jessica O'Reilly suggests [taking deep breaths during masturbation](https://www.self.com/story/better-orgasms-breathing) to help increase blood flow to the genitals and increase sensation. While you don't want to focus so hard on your breath that you take your mind completely away from the task at hand, try breathing as you move your own hands across your body.

### Foreplay

So far, all the instructions we've outlined constitute light foreplay. Now it's time to get into a more body-based activity. You can keep breathing through all of this, but just let it flow if you feel like there are too many balls in the air. 

If you've had some partnered sexual experiences, you know that there's nothing like foreplay to get wet and stimulate your body. With solo sex, it's no different. Gently stroke your chest with the tips of your fingers, running them down between your breasts and encircling each one. If you like nipple play (or aren't sure if you do), stop on each one and give each one some gentle attention or a light squeeze. Trace the lines of your belly down to the line of your pubic hair and stroke the outside of your vulva gently. 

Again, try to release any expectations of orgasm on this journey, and just notice what feels good and how your body reacts to each sensation.

### Explore how to make yourself cum

Your vulva is a multi-faceted organ with components that can enhance your sexual experience and build pleasure that leads to orgasm. Many sex blogs and podcasts focus on the clitoris and clitoral stimulation, and while that's fantastic (and definitely something to build up to), going straight to the most sensitive part of your anatomy might be a little aggressive, especially if you've been having orgasmic challenges. Your clitoris has [8,000 nerve endings](https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/the-clitoris-has-8-000-nerve-endings-and-nine-other-things-we-learned-from-a-new-artwork-1.2947694#:~:text=There%20are%20more%20than%208%2C000,erectile%20tissue%2C%20muscle%20and%20nerves.) in it, so it's incredibly sensitive. Depending on how you're built, you may never want to go straight at it without a barrier like the clitoral hood or a pair of underwear to help soften the sensation. 

But there's only one way to find out!

Start by exploring the whole vulvar landscape. This includes your outer and inner labia (the lips or folds of skin around the opening of your vagina), the hood of your clitoris (which encircles the top and sides of your clit and protects it from overstimulation), and even the tender skin where your legs meet your crotch. Spend a minute or two with each part, notice if your body reacts as you gently stroke each area. 

You might find it helpful to use lube or coconut oil to make gliding across these body parts easier. You might also notice that tilting your pelvis forward in a sort of tucked butt flex position increases sensation in some of these areas. You could also pulse your hips forward and back to stimulate the interior of your vagina as you play with the exterior with your fingers. 

If you find that touching a particular area starts creating a warm buildup inside of you, begin moving your fingers faster on that area to see if that increases the pleasure. If it does, keep going. You're well on your way to learning just what an orgasm feels like.

## Types of orgasms

So everything we just talked about was all about externally derived orgasms. That's because most vulva owners find that [external (clitoral) stimulation is critical](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28678639/) to reaching an orgasm, and vaginal penetration alone just doesn't do it. But that doesn't mean that there's no pleasure in vaginal penetration. On the contrary, vaginal penetration coupled with clitoral stimulation can actually result in mind-blowing orgasms, especially if the penetration involves hitting the g-spot. 

Some vulva owners have both clitoral orgasms and g-spot orgasms at the same time, which some call full-body orgasms. 

If you're curious about penetration during your solo play, don't shy away from it. Try using your fingers or a toy (like a dildo or vibrator). Slowly insert a finger into your vagina and try pulling it in and out, or stroking the vaginal wall on the front of your body to try to find the g-spot. It might even feel good to just experience the fullness of having fingers or a toy inside of you without moving them. There’s no wrong way to do this!

You can alternate between penetration and playing with the clitoris and touching your body. Chances are high that if you're learning how to make yourself cum for the first time, the outside bits are going to be the key. 

## How to use toys

Sex toys are most certainly welcome in solo play. When you're by yourself, the sky's the limit.

As a [first-timer](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-toys-for-beginners/), you might consider getting a bullet vibrator or something designed specifically for external stimulation to help you discover which parts of your vulva provide the most pleasure. There are a number of options that offer different speeds and pulse patterns, which is a great way to start because you want to make sure you have the option to ramp up the power on your toy. (For example, magic wands are very powerful, so that would be an advanced toy for your first purchase.) Check out this article for more tips on [how to purchase and use a vibrator](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-use-a-vibrator-tips-for-choosing-and-using-a-new-toy/).

One more thing you could try in the area of assisted orgasms is a little tool you don't have to purchase at all: the showerhead or bathtub faucet. If you have a hot tub in your backyard, a hot tub jet works too.

Stand in the shower and let your handheld showerhead flow against your vulva. Play with the settings to see which one you like best. Or lay with your butt against the front wall of your tub, legs straight up in a V-shape on either side of the faucet (this position might be too hard for some, and that's fine, no biggie). In the hot tub, face the jets and see how it goes.

Warm, pressurized water can have a way of working magic on your entire genital area. Even if you can't quite get all the way to the finish line using water, it's a fun way to get yourself going.

## The big O

So how do you know if you’re getting close? If you’ve never had an orgasm, then you might be wondering how you know if you’re getting warmer or colder. While everyone is different, there are a few potential signs that you’re doing what your body likes. 

First and foremost, as you become aroused and heading toward climax, your clitoris becomes more sensitive (usually in a good way) to what you’re doing to it or around it (sometimes it’s so sensitive you don't even need to touch it directly). A warm feeling might begin traveling upward from your vulva. You might begin breathing more heavily. Your body might want to tense up to increase the sensation. 

In some cases, it might feel a little like you have to pee as you get closer. If this makes you nervous, try playing in the bathtub or shower so that you can give yourself permission to just go with it. You probably won’t pee, but you might. And some vulva owners squirt (it’s normal, and it’s also a [whole other conversation](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25545022/#:~:text=Conclusions%3A%20The%20present%20data%20based,the%20emitted%20fluid%20often%20exists.) if you're curious), but many don't!

It’s called a climax for a reason. If you’ve reached it, you’ll feel a peak of sensation in your genitals as your muscles contract repeatedly—many compare it to a warm throbbing feeling or a surge of pleasure. Your heart will beat faster, your breath will speed up, you might involuntarily twitch, moan, or lift your pelvis, and your fingers and toes might curl. And chances are, when you’re finished, you won’t want to touch anything down there for a few minutes at least, as it will be highly sensitive and stimulated.

## It's time

The best way to learn is to do, so it's time to give all these suggestions a try. You deserve to feel good and enjoy your sex life, no matter if it's a solo sex life or a partnered one. The tips we've shared will surely help you get closer to the orgasmic feeling you're after. Just don't give up if it doesn't happen on your first try. To help you get started, take a listen to these guided self-touch sessions, in which you'll explore the various sensations in your body and even get into some gentle toy play. 

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
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<div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/series/self-touch-male-narrator-series?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=makeyourselfcumblog">
    <img src="////images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/6t8WfeHVplrAyi7cccPNzj/90a840545859b211dbe09451cf74f19e/500-352_Self_Touch_Gabby-fs8.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Glow Up</p>
  </a>
</div>

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/series/self-touch-male-narrator-series?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=makeyourselfcumblog">
    <img src="//images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/7L85SfC635CNby3y1Gb5Zl/d4b27a0317915cb12affcc27cadd67e1/500-370_SelfTouch_Gabby-fs8.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Mix It Up</p>
  </a>
</div>

</div>
</div>

If you've landed on this article, chances are you've been having a little trouble in the orgasm department. The truth is, if you don't know how to make yourself cum, a partner might not know either. We’re a fan of exploring all the beautiful parts of your own body and learning what it takes to see fireworks, especially if you're hoping for partnered sex to get you there. 

That's where a healthy masturbation habit comes in. If you're new to masturbation, feeling a little weird about it, or have just found that it does nothing for you, we're here to help. Learning how to make yourself cum takes practice and patience, so start by giving yourself a break, taking a deep breath, and coming at this with fresh eyes and possibly some fun sex toys. Get excited, you're about to have an orgasm.

## You're not alone

Before we dive into the deep end of all things orgasm, we want to first emphasize that you’re not alone. About 10-15% of women have [never had an orgasm](https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001953.htm#:~:text=About%2010%25%20to%2015%25%20of,for%20an%20orgasm%20to%20happen.), and orgasmic challenges are the [second most frequently reported sexual issue](https://www.nature.com/articles/ijir20148#ref-CR4) in women. The reasons for this vary, including psychological and emotional state (especially anxiety), past traumas, a sense of unsafety, low self-esteem, and feelings of sexual openness with a partner. These are [all contributors](https://bedbible.com/orgasm-statistics/) to why vulva owners can have difficulty, even more so than a lack of experience with masturbation or sexual partners. 

So, while we'll focus on helping you figure out how to make yourself cum, the mechanics will only get you so far if you're experiencing some of these other roadblocks. Let's first try and get you into the mindset and then go over some masturbation techniques.

## Masturbation 101: mindset, setup, and orgasm

Plenty of vulva owners grew up conditioned to feel shame around masturbation and sexual pleasure in general. While we can't instantly take away this mental block, we do want to emphasize that masturbation is healthy and normal. 

Sex, sexual health, pleasure, exploration, masturbation, and orgasms are all natural, good, and important parts of living a happy, healthy life. There’s no shame in experiencing pleasure and no reason to be embarrassed.

There’s also the possibility that you’re putting [too much pressure on yourself](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/stop-obsessing-over-orgasms/) if you’ve never experienced an orgasm. Give yourself a break and take the pressure off of the experience before going into it. If you've never experienced an orgasm before, either with yourself or with a partner, try to relax as the first step. It's a journey of learning and self-love, so start with that.

### Pamper yourself

Self-love is the name of the game here. Consider creating a [solo sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/solo-sex/) experience, which is a little more involved than going straight into masturbating. In solo sex, you're seducing yourself to help ease you into the [right mindset](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/women-sex-drive/) for self-pleasure and exploration. This first time may not yield the result you're looking for, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself and the process. And you never know, this new approach could be exactly what you need to cross over into O-land. 

Try relaxing your muscles with a warm bubble bath. Rub scented oil on yourself afterward. Put on a [sexy playlist](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/summer-bedroom-jams/) and dance in the mirror, admiring your own body.

### Set the scene

Create the most relaxing environment possible for your solo sex sesh. For you that might mean cleaning up your room or changing the sheets before you get started. You might light some candles or diffuse some essential oils and put on your favorite underwear. 

Dim the lights, keep your playlist going, or turn on some audio erotica from [Dipsea](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/self-touch-sensation-play) to provide some sonic sexiness while you explore.

### Take a deep breath ... or 10

[Breathwork](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/breathing-deeply-basics) can be amazingly stimulating—but also relaxing. It's interesting that you'd want both sensations during a solo sesh, but when you think about it, you really do. 

[Deep breathing](https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/stress/why-deep-breathing-makes-you-feel-so-chill) helps put your sympathetic nervous system (the one that governs your stress, nervousness, and anxiety) on pause and allows your parasympathetic nervous system (the one that controls rest and relaxation) to take over. In fact, it's literally impossible for your body to release stress hormones when your parasympathetic nervous system is in charge. Try closing your eyes and counting to five on the inhale and then five on the exhale. Once you're comfortable with that, bump it up to a seven-count. Notice how your body feels as you breathe. 

As for stimulation, deep breathing brings oxygen into your bloodstream and to all the body parts that need it. Sexologist Jessica O'Reilly suggests [taking deep breaths during masturbation](https://www.self.com/story/better-orgasms-breathing) to help increase blood flow to the genitals and increase sensation. While you don't want to focus so hard on your breath that you take your mind completely away from the task at hand, try breathing as you move your own hands across your body.

### Foreplay

So far, all the instructions we've outlined constitute light foreplay. Now it's time to get into a more body-based activity. You can keep breathing through all of this, but just let it flow if you feel like there are too many balls in the air. 

If you've had some partnered sexual experiences, you know that there's nothing like foreplay to get wet and stimulate your body. With solo sex, it's no different. Gently stroke your chest with the tips of your fingers, running them down between your breasts and encircling each one. If you like nipple play (or aren't sure if you do), stop on each one and give each one some gentle attention or a light squeeze. Trace the lines of your belly down to the line of your pubic hair and stroke the outside of your vulva gently. 

Again, try to release any expectations of orgasm on this journey, and just notice what feels good and how your body reacts to each sensation.

### Explore how to make yourself cum

Your vulva is a multi-faceted organ with components that can enhance your sexual experience and build pleasure that leads to orgasm. Many sex blogs and podcasts focus on the clitoris and clitoral stimulation, and while that's fantastic (and definitely something to build up to), going straight to the most sensitive part of your anatomy might be a little aggressive, especially if you've been having orgasmic challenges. Your clitoris has [8,000 nerve endings](https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/the-clitoris-has-8-000-nerve-endings-and-nine-other-things-we-learned-from-a-new-artwork-1.2947694#:~:text=There%20are%20more%20than%208%2C000,erectile%20tissue%2C%20muscle%20and%20nerves.) in it, so it's incredibly sensitive. Depending on how you're built, you may never want to go straight at it without a barrier like the clitoral hood or a pair of underwear to help soften the sensation. 

But there's only one way to find out!

Start by exploring the whole vulvar landscape. This includes your outer and inner labia (the lips or folds of skin around the opening of your vagina), the hood of your clitoris (which encircles the top and sides of your clit and protects it from overstimulation), and even the tender skin where your legs meet your crotch. Spend a minute or two with each part, notice if your body reacts as you gently stroke each area. 

You might find it helpful to use lube or coconut oil to make gliding across these body parts easier. You might also notice that tilting your pelvis forward in a sort of tucked butt flex position increases sensation in some of these areas. You could also pulse your hips forward and back to stimulate the interior of your vagina as you play with the exterior with your fingers. 

If you find that touching a particular area starts creating a warm buildup inside of you, begin moving your fingers faster on that area to see if that increases the pleasure. If it does, keep going. You're well on your way to learning just what an orgasm feels like.

## Types of orgasms

So everything we just talked about was all about externally derived orgasms. That's because most vulva owners find that [external (clitoral) stimulation is critical](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28678639/) to reaching an orgasm, and vaginal penetration alone just doesn't do it. But that doesn't mean that there's no pleasure in vaginal penetration. On the contrary, vaginal penetration coupled with clitoral stimulation can actually result in mind-blowing orgasms, especially if the penetration involves hitting the g-spot. 

Some vulva owners have both clitoral orgasms and g-spot orgasms at the same time, which some call full-body orgasms. 

If you're curious about penetration during your solo play, don't shy away from it. Try using your fingers or a toy (like a dildo or vibrator). Slowly insert a finger into your vagina and try pulling it in and out, or stroking the vaginal wall on the front of your body to try to find the g-spot. It might even feel good to just experience the fullness of having fingers or a toy inside of you without moving them. There’s no wrong way to do this!

You can alternate between penetration and playing with the clitoris and touching your body. Chances are high that if you're learning how to make yourself cum for the first time, the outside bits are going to be the key. 

## How to use toys

Sex toys are most certainly welcome in solo play. When you're by yourself, the sky's the limit.

As a [first-timer](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-toys-for-beginners/), you might consider getting a bullet vibrator or something designed specifically for external stimulation to help you discover which parts of your vulva provide the most pleasure. There are a number of options that offer different speeds and pulse patterns, which is a great way to start because you want to make sure you have the option to ramp up the power on your toy. (For example, magic wands are very powerful, so that would be an advanced toy for your first purchase.) Check out this article for more tips on [how to purchase and use a vibrator](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-use-a-vibrator-tips-for-choosing-and-using-a-new-toy/).

One more thing you could try in the area of assisted orgasms is a little tool you don't have to purchase at all: the showerhead or bathtub faucet. If you have a hot tub in your backyard, a hot tub jet works too.

Stand in the shower and let your handheld showerhead flow against your vulva. Play with the settings to see which one you like best. Or lay with your butt against the front wall of your tub, legs straight up in a V-shape on either side of the faucet (this position might be too hard for some, and that's fine, no biggie). In the hot tub, face the jets and see how it goes.

Warm, pressurized water can have a way of working magic on your entire genital area. Even if you can't quite get all the way to the finish line using water, it's a fun way to get yourself going.

## The big O

So how do you know if you’re getting close? If you’ve never had an orgasm, then you might be wondering how you know if you’re getting warmer or colder. While everyone is different, there are a few potential signs that you’re doing what your body likes. 

First and foremost, as you become aroused and heading toward climax, your clitoris becomes more sensitive (usually in a good way) to what you’re doing to it or around it (sometimes it’s so sensitive you don't even need to touch it directly). A warm feeling might begin traveling upward from your vulva. You might begin breathing more heavily. Your body might want to tense up to increase the sensation. 

In some cases, it might feel a little like you have to pee as you get closer. If this makes you nervous, try playing in the bathtub or shower so that you can give yourself permission to just go with it. You probably won’t pee, but you might. And some vulva owners squirt (it’s normal, and it’s also a [whole other conversation](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25545022/#:~:text=Conclusions%3A%20The%20present%20data%20based,the%20emitted%20fluid%20often%20exists.) if you're curious), but many don't!

It’s called a climax for a reason. If you’ve reached it, you’ll feel a peak of sensation in your genitals as your muscles contract repeatedly—many compare it to a warm throbbing feeling or a surge of pleasure. Your heart will beat faster, your breath will speed up, you might involuntarily twitch, moan, or lift your pelvis, and your fingers and toes might curl. And chances are, when you’re finished, you won’t want to touch anything down there for a few minutes at least, as it will be highly sensitive and stimulated.

## It's time

The best way to learn is to do, so it's time to give all these suggestions a try. You deserve to feel good and enjoy your sex life, no matter if it's a solo sex life or a partnered one. The tips we've shared will surely help you get closer to the orgasmic feeling you're after. Just don't give up if it doesn't happen on your first try. To help you get started, take a listen to these guided self-touch sessions, in which you'll explore the various sensations in your body and even get into some gentle toy play. 

While it may be your first orgasm, you don't have to figure it out alone. Learn exactly how to make yourself cum with a fun, nonjudgmental guide.

Your first solo orgasm: How to make yourself cum

Make-Yourself-Cum

Glow-up

Glow Up

mix-it-up

Mix it Up

Ready to take your next solo sesh to a whole new level? That's what Dipsea is for.

Women don't have as many orgasms as men. This orgasm gap exists mainly because most women don’t grow up learning about female sexual pleasure. If we don't know how to bring our bodies to orgasm, it's almost impossible to expect your partner to know (but a little googling never hurt anyone!). 

Because women tend to use mental framing to get turned on, one of the keys to earth-shattering sexual experiences is to know what turns your mind on. Once you activate your arousal, you can discover what sorts of touch your body prefers. After you’ve done that, it’s a whole lot easier to communicate your needs to a partner. 

People often forget that mind-blowing sexual experiences are an [essential part of overall health](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/316954). Sex is good for your mental health, heart, relationships, and even your immune system. It’s time to prioritize good sex. 

Erotic fiction is an effective tool for preparing your body for sex—either solo or partnered. Listening to erotica can do more than help you get in the mood. Erotic short stories can help you understand your sexual desires, build intimacy with yourself or a partner, and give you the sexual confidence you crave. Here’s a look at the key benefits of listening to erotic short stories.

## 1. Erotic short stories help women identify their sexual desires
There's a strong [link between sexual fantasizing and having a satisfying sex life](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199509/the-safest-sex). Sexual fantasies are healthy and normal, but many women worry they aren't.

Society often teaches women to hide their desires which means many women might not even discuss fantasies with their best friends. 

When women grow up being socialized to not talk about sex beyond whatever reproductive health course is offered in their high school (which are, all too often, not that great!), they don't learn about desire or arousal, the first two steps in the sexual response cycle. 

In addition to sub-par formal sex education, women recieve incomplete social messaging about what their sexual desires are supposed to be. We hear things about how [men supposedly have higher sex drives](https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20160630-the-enduring-enigma-of-female-desire) than women, instead of learning about the natural [variablity of sex drives](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/navigating-mismatched-desire/) regardless of gender.  

Combine the lack of comprehensive sex-ed with the socialization women receive regarding gender stereotypes and women wind up not knowing what they want in the bedroom (or the kitchen or the shower). We worry that our fantasies of taking or relinquishing control are misguided. We fear that our sex drives are too high or too low. 

And all that worry can make your vulva as responsive as an uncharged vibrator. 

The first step to satisfying sex is identifying what you want out of your sexual experiences. Indulging in [a story about one of your fantasies](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/a-brief-sexy-history-of-erotica/) will prep your mind for sex. But, it may also help you figure out whether you enjoy thinking about romance, BDSM, orgies, casual sexual encounters, or something else.

Erotica can help you experience any fetish you desire without needing to step through the doors of a BDSM dungeon. Steamy stories let women explore sexual fantasies from a safe distance. 

For some women, listening to erotic stories helps them decide they want to move one of those fantasies from hypothetical to real life. Erotica can give them the language they need to communicate that desire to a partner. 

Identifying your sexual desires is the first step toward a satisfying sex life. 

## 2. Erotica helps women become more intimate with themselves

Mindfulness practices, such as meditation, help us connect with ourselves. The first time you try to meditate, your mind wanders from your breathing to the pile of laundry.  You get stuck in a constant state of trying to pull your mind back to meditating, and eventually it works. For many, guided meditation is the answer to a wandering mind. 

Women who masturbate regularly know their bodies and what turns them on. Unfortunately, for many women, getting in the right mindset for arousal is difficult. Sex stories, especially erotic audio, serve as a guided meditation, helping you connect with your sexual self. 

Listening to erotic short stories can keep your mind focused on arousal and away from the laundry room, the board room, or whatever kind of room your mind gets stuck in. Once your mindset is taken care of, you can focus on the task at hand. 

Spending time experimenting with different types of touch will help you learn whether you prefer a vibrating or sucking sensation, and whether internal or external stimulation is really what gets you there. [The more you masturbate](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/masturbating-is-important-even-when-youre-in-a-relationship/), the more you’ll come to know about your preferences. And that intimate knowledge translates to more orgasms during solo or partnered sex.

## 3. Sexy short stories increase intimacy with your partner

Women who masturbate regularly and are intimately connected with their sexual self have more orgasms during solo sex. What's more, they can take that same sexual energy to their partnered sex.

Erotic short stories do more than improve your masturbation sessions. Listening to examples of erotic fantasy can help you become more comfortable talking about what interests you sexually. Your partner wants to know what gets you off. It's on you to tell them, but because discussing sex openly and honestly isn’t something we see frequently, it can be hard to [confidently articulate it](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stress-and-sex/201712/sexual-communication-the-bedrock-make-your-bed-rock). 

When you’re comfortable explaining that you prefer circles around your clitoris over direct pressure, you’ll be able to experience more orgasms during partnered sex. The more orgasms you have, the more you'll want (we assume!). Better sex leads to more orgasms, and more orgasms lead to more sex. Everybody wins here. 

Don't keep the erotica to yourself. Listening to steamy stories together can help you explain your desires to a partner and help you learn about theirs. This connection makes it easier to talk about things like introducing sex toys, exploring threesomes, or something nonsexual like deciding which person is responsible for the pile of laundry. [Intimacy is the key](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-precare-foreplay-aftercare/) to a satisfying partnership in and out of the bedroom.

## 4. Women's erotica inspires sexual confidence

Desire and arousal are primarily mental processes. Sometimes the stuff of life makes it difficult for women to get in the mood for sex. Let’s be honest, there’s a lot going on in the world right now, and if we’re focusing on that full-time, we’re not readying our minds for sex. If our mindset isn't right, getting in the mood can feel more like driving down a dirt road without street lights than a well-lit highway. 

Women-centric erotic fiction prepares our minds for sex. According to the Kinsey Institute, [nearly 90% of women use scenario conjuring](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/8233688_Turning_On_and_Turning_Off_A_Focus_Group_Study_of_the_Factors_That_Affect_Women's_Sexual_Arousal) to kick off their sexual response cycle. These scenarios can include sexual fantasies or even thinking about their emotional connection with a partner.

Women need stimuli to experience sexual desire. They also need it to move from desire to arousal. Erotica provides a paved highway toward arousal. And that intense arousal is the key to feeling confident in bed. Confidence leads to more intense orgasms, which can make sex more satisfying. 

## Improve your sex life with erotic short stories

Listening to erotic fiction inspires women to embrace their desires. For as long as we can remember, women learned from parents, religious leaders, and society that they should keep their sexual desires under wraps—but we’ve had enough of that.
Women like sex. Women want sex. At Dipsea, we believe women should get to have the sex they want. 

When women understand their desires, they can better communicate with their partners. Communication improves intimacy and creates a more satisfying relationship with yourself and your partner (or partners). 

[Erotic audio from Dipsea is unique](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-audio/) because it includes more than just words on a page. It’s immersive and evocative, just like being dropped into the middle of a movie scene. 

All that mental stimulation helps women get into the right mindset for sexual activity so that even if all they have time for is a quickie, they can get in, get an orgasm (or four), and then go on to do whatever else it is they need to do. To get your mindset in the right place, take the assist from erotic short stories. 

  <div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/office-hours">
    <img src="//images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/bTk4b0eVOnJ5IBlklET0l/7d26ef06c9bf8ce25e190bb873c420ce/Queer_Lecture_1.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Office Hours</p>
  </a>
</div>

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 0 0 10px">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/series/five-years-series">
    <img src="//images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/6I5z8LCbdiH3lnN8rjCXkh/6a5d715d693f0330226b15b0f541af98/302_Five_Years_1_KatieEdmunds.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Five Years</p>
  </a>
</div>

</div>
</div>

<br /><br />


Women don't have as many orgasms as men. This orgasm gap exists mainly because most women don’t grow up learning about female sexual pleasure. If we don't know how to bring our bodies to orgasm, it's almost impossible to expect your partner to know (but a little googling never hurt anyone!). 

Because women tend to use mental framing to get turned on, one of the keys to earth-shattering sexual experiences is to know what turns your mind on. Once you activate your arousal, you can discover what sorts of touch your body prefers. After you’ve done that, it’s a whole lot easier to communicate your needs to a partner. 

People often forget that mind-blowing sexual experiences are an [essential part of overall health](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/316954). Sex is good for your mental health, heart, relationships, and even your immune system. It’s time to prioritize good sex. 

Erotic fiction is an effective tool for preparing your body for sex—either solo or partnered. Listening to erotica can do more than help you get in the mood. Erotic short stories can help you understand your sexual desires, build intimacy with yourself or a partner, and give you the sexual confidence you crave. Here’s a look at the key benefits of listening to erotic short stories.

## 1. Erotic short stories help women identify their sexual desires
There's a strong [link between sexual fantasizing and having a satisfying sex life](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199509/the-safest-sex). Sexual fantasies are healthy and normal, but many women worry they aren't.

Society often teaches women to hide their desires which means many women might not even discuss fantasies with their best friends. 

When women grow up being socialized to not talk about sex beyond whatever reproductive health course is offered in their high school (which are, all too often, not that great!), they don't learn about desire or arousal, the first two steps in the sexual response cycle. 

In addition to sub-par formal sex education, women recieve incomplete social messaging about what their sexual desires are supposed to be. We hear things about how [men supposedly have higher sex drives](https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20160630-the-enduring-enigma-of-female-desire) than women, instead of learning about the natural [variablity of sex drives](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/navigating-mismatched-desire/) regardless of gender.  

Combine the lack of comprehensive sex-ed with the socialization women receive regarding gender stereotypes and women wind up not knowing what they want in the bedroom (or the kitchen or the shower). We worry that our fantasies of taking or relinquishing control are misguided. We fear that our sex drives are too high or too low. 

And all that worry can make your vulva as responsive as an uncharged vibrator. 

The first step to satisfying sex is identifying what you want out of your sexual experiences. Indulging in [a story about one of your fantasies](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/a-brief-sexy-history-of-erotica/) will prep your mind for sex. But, it may also help you figure out whether you enjoy thinking about romance, BDSM, orgies, casual sexual encounters, or something else.

Erotica can help you experience any fetish you desire without needing to step through the doors of a BDSM dungeon. Steamy stories let women explore sexual fantasies from a safe distance. 

For some women, listening to erotic stories helps them decide they want to move one of those fantasies from hypothetical to real life. Erotica can give them the language they need to communicate that desire to a partner. 

Identifying your sexual desires is the first step toward a satisfying sex life. 

## 2. Erotica helps women become more intimate with themselves

Mindfulness practices, such as meditation, help us connect with ourselves. The first time you try to meditate, your mind wanders from your breathing to the pile of laundry.  You get stuck in a constant state of trying to pull your mind back to meditating, and eventually it works. For many, guided meditation is the answer to a wandering mind. 

Women who masturbate regularly know their bodies and what turns them on. Unfortunately, for many women, getting in the right mindset for arousal is difficult. Sex stories, especially erotic audio, serve as a guided meditation, helping you connect with your sexual self. 

Listening to erotic short stories can keep your mind focused on arousal and away from the laundry room, the board room, or whatever kind of room your mind gets stuck in. Once your mindset is taken care of, you can focus on the task at hand. 

Spending time experimenting with different types of touch will help you learn whether you prefer a vibrating or sucking sensation, and whether internal or external stimulation is really what gets you there. [The more you masturbate](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/masturbating-is-important-even-when-youre-in-a-relationship/), the more you’ll come to know about your preferences. And that intimate knowledge translates to more orgasms during solo or partnered sex.

## 3. Sexy short stories increase intimacy with your partner

Women who masturbate regularly and are intimately connected with their sexual self have more orgasms during solo sex. What's more, they can take that same sexual energy to their partnered sex.

Erotic short stories do more than improve your masturbation sessions. Listening to examples of erotic fantasy can help you become more comfortable talking about what interests you sexually. Your partner wants to know what gets you off. It's on you to tell them, but because discussing sex openly and honestly isn’t something we see frequently, it can be hard to [confidently articulate it](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stress-and-sex/201712/sexual-communication-the-bedrock-make-your-bed-rock). 

When you’re comfortable explaining that you prefer circles around your clitoris over direct pressure, you’ll be able to experience more orgasms during partnered sex. The more orgasms you have, the more you'll want (we assume!). Better sex leads to more orgasms, and more orgasms lead to more sex. Everybody wins here. 

Don't keep the erotica to yourself. Listening to steamy stories together can help you explain your desires to a partner and help you learn about theirs. This connection makes it easier to talk about things like introducing sex toys, exploring threesomes, or something nonsexual like deciding which person is responsible for the pile of laundry. [Intimacy is the key](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-precare-foreplay-aftercare/) to a satisfying partnership in and out of the bedroom.

## 4. Women's erotica inspires sexual confidence

Desire and arousal are primarily mental processes. Sometimes the stuff of life makes it difficult for women to get in the mood for sex. Let’s be honest, there’s a lot going on in the world right now, and if we’re focusing on that full-time, we’re not readying our minds for sex. If our mindset isn't right, getting in the mood can feel more like driving down a dirt road without street lights than a well-lit highway. 

Women-centric erotic fiction prepares our minds for sex. According to the Kinsey Institute, [nearly 90% of women use scenario conjuring](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/8233688_Turning_On_and_Turning_Off_A_Focus_Group_Study_of_the_Factors_That_Affect_Women's_Sexual_Arousal) to kick off their sexual response cycle. These scenarios can include sexual fantasies or even thinking about their emotional connection with a partner.

Women need stimuli to experience sexual desire. They also need it to move from desire to arousal. Erotica provides a paved highway toward arousal. And that intense arousal is the key to feeling confident in bed. Confidence leads to more intense orgasms, which can make sex more satisfying. 

## Improve your sex life with erotic short stories

Listening to erotic fiction inspires women to embrace their desires. For as long as we can remember, women learned from parents, religious leaders, and society that they should keep their sexual desires under wraps—but we’ve had enough of that.
Women like sex. Women want sex. At Dipsea, we believe women should get to have the sex they want. 

When women understand their desires, they can better communicate with their partners. Communication improves intimacy and creates a more satisfying relationship with yourself and your partner (or partners). 

[Erotic audio from Dipsea is unique](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-audio/) because it includes more than just words on a page. It’s immersive and evocative, just like being dropped into the middle of a movie scene. 

All that mental stimulation helps women get into the right mindset for sexual activity so that even if all they have time for is a quickie, they can get in, get an orgasm (or four), and then go on to do whatever else it is they need to do. To get your mindset in the right place, take the assist from erotic short stories. 

Erotic short stories can help you understand your sexual desires, build intimacy with yourself or a partner, and give you the sexual confidence you crave.

4 ways erotic short stories can improve sexual satisfaction 

4-ways-Erotic-Short-Stories

4 ways erotic short stories improve sexual satisfaction 

5 YEARS

Five Years I

Ready to take "me time" to a whole new level? Dipsea has you covered.

Hi! I’m Gina, one of the co-founders of Dipsea. Welcome to the “Dipseaverse,” I’m so glad you’ve decided to check us out!

Nothing makes us happier than hearing from listeners about the ways Dipsea helps them to feel more: more in tune with their bodies, more connected to their partners, more flirtatious putting themselves out there, and the most like themselves.  

But before you’re ready to dive in yourself, maybe you want to know more. Dipsea is an entirely new experience, so that makes sense! I’ll be answering some of the questions we get asked the most here. As a team that prides itself on communication, consent, and setting clear expectations—you’re in the right place to get all the answers. 

xo Gina

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=FAQblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

__What is Dipsea?__

Dipsea is where storytelling meets sexual wellness. With an annual or a monthly subscription, you can get access to hundreds of audio stories designed to get you in the mood, show you what you like, and open you up to self-discovery. Every Dipsea story is a consensual, feminist, and sex-positive original production created by our in-house team of storytellers. 

In addition to Sexy Stories, our library also includes cozy Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions.

You can download Dipsea in the App Store, Google Play Store, or access the app online. 

__Who are the people behind the app?__

We’re a female-founded company based in San Francisco, California. My co-founder Faye and I were friends before we started Dipsea, and we were fascinated by the idea that sexuality is as mental as it is physical. So we set out to create erotica as sexy as it is sex-positive. 

Four years later, Dipsea has grown into a team of 20+ incredible people. We’re half tech startup and half story studio. Our team includes audio producers and software engineers, writers, and product managers. None of us had professional experience creating erotica, which means we write our own rules and bring fresh energy and ideas to a totally new genre of storytelling. 

__How do you work with voice actors and story contributors?__

The best way to live a commitment to diversity and inclusion is to give paid opportunities to people doing excellent work. We work with a big network of talented voice actors who can represent how the world really sounds, and over 50% of our characters are voiced by people of color. 

Voice actors are recorded individually in studios all over the world. Dipsea producers then mix those recordings to create immersive audio stories where it sounds like multiple characters are together. It’s amazing how realistic a Dipsea story sounds, and a lot of hard work goes into creating that magic. 

Most of our stories are written in-house, but we occasionally partner with writers and story contributors with unique stories to tell and who can base their storytelling on their lived experiences. 

__What makes Dipsea special?__

Chances are you’ve probably been taught a few things about sex that aren’t serving you: that your desires are shameful, that pleasure is only okay when it comes after the word “guilty,” and that sex is basically a relay race toward orgasm with a partner. 

Dipsea is (literally) flipping the script, deprogramming harmful ideas, and re-setting the standards—high—for women’s lives and relationships. 

At Dipsea, we have two core beliefs. The first? Sexual wellness is essential. You deserve to feel good in your body, to live shame-free, to voice your preferences and state your boundaries, and to experience pleasure. The second? That storytelling is powerful. It illuminates the parts of yourself you might have lost touch with, gives you ideas for your own life, and fires up the imagination. 

We take a mind-first approach to sexuality because the answers have always been a part of you. Dipsea is a powerful reminder that starting with you—your wants, your needs, your fantasies—is the best way to manifest sexual wellness, and to feel more confident and joyful in and out of the bedroom. 

__What are the stories like?__

Desire is all in the details. That’s why we put so much care into every story we create. Between 10-25 minutes long, Dipsea audio stories immerse you in a world of aspirational and 100% consensual sex and relationships, and sometimes even insert you into the story. You’ll meet characters you’ll love—and watch your imagination do the rest. 

We want people to hear themselves in our stories. Over 50% of our characters are voiced by people of color, and over 25% of our stories are queer. Characters are empowered in their sexual, social, and romantic experiences. Sex is communicative, and pleasure doesn’t sound performed. 

__How sexy are the stories, really?__

Dipsea stories are designed to be erotic. Some are more flirtatious and romantic, and some include more intense themes like off-limits hookups, threesomes, and BDSM. 

We believe communication is key. Stories are always clearly tagged, labeled, and explained—so you always know exactly what you’re getting into before you listen. Because if you don’t feel safe and comfortable, you’ll never feel relaxed and turned on. And you’ll have an easy time finding more of what you’re looking for, especially as we get to know you better. 

__What are your Sleep Scenes like?__

Every night Dipsea was already being invited under duvets, tucked under pillows, and placed on nightstands. Sleep by Dipsea was developed as an even more intentional exhale at the end of a listening session.

Queue up soothing sounds, tranquil tours of dreamy destinations, and cozy Sleep Overs where a Dipsea Hunk tucks you in and then stays close by (playing the guitar or cleaning up after dinner) while you drift off. Dipsea Sleep Scenes range between 15-60 minutes. 

__What about the Wellness Sessions?__

Our Wellness Sessions are designed to support listeners trying to bring more of an active practice into their sexual and romantic lives. We partner with experts to create meditations, erotic breathwork exercises, dirty talk how-to’s, self-love guides, and more. 

__Why does Dipsea focus on audio?__

90% of women use their imaginations to get aroused, according to a study done by OMGYes and the Kinsey Institute. Audio erotica is intimate, immersive, and incredibly personal for each listener. Every story becomes your own personal version, designed by your own imagination. 
Dipsea now also offers sexy stories that you can read chapter by chapter, so you can get lost in the steamy backstories of your favorite Hunks, or discover new retellings of our most loved series.

__Is Dipsea just for women?__

Dipsea was designed with women in mind because they were so clearly underserved in a space defined by and for the male gaze. But the app is a safe space for all perspectives, preferences, and genders. Dipsea has HER + HER, HER + HIM, and a growing selection of HIM + HIM, and non-binary content. Over 25% of the Dipsea library is queer. Dipsea is an approachable resource for anyone who wants to get in the mood, spark their imagination, and learn about themselves. 

__Can partners listen together?__

If you think Dipsea might be a fun way to get in the mood together or to break the ice on certain topics with your partner—amazing! Dipsea is a highly personal experience, and you should listen in the ways that make the most sense for you. Our research shows that most people listen solo (~90% of subscribers), but more than 30% of people say the reason they listen to Dipsea is for the positive effect it has on their relationships. 

By nurturing your imagination and getting familiar with your fantasies and boundaries, you’re primed to have great sex with yourself and others. 

__Can I work for Dipsea?__ 

We’re only as great as the people we work with, and we’d love to meet you. Check out the current opportunities for working with us: 

- [Work with us](https://angel.co/dipsea/jobs)
- [Voice act for us](https://www.dipseastories.com/voice/) 
- [Become a story contributor](https://forms.gle/dQ4j9zPFxffqoH5c6) 

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=FAQblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

Hi! I’m Gina, one of the co-founders of Dipsea. Welcome to the “Dipseaverse,” I’m so glad you’ve decided to check us out!

Nothing makes us happier than hearing from listeners about the ways Dipsea helps them to feel more: more in tune with their bodies, more connected to their partners, more flirtatious putting themselves out there, and the most like themselves.  

But before you’re ready to dive in yourself, maybe you want to know more. Dipsea is an entirely new experience, so that makes sense! I’ll be answering some of the questions we get asked the most here. As a team that prides itself on communication, consent, and setting clear expectations—you’re in the right place to get all the answers. 

xo Gina

__What is Dipsea?__

Dipsea is where storytelling meets sexual wellness. With an annual or a monthly subscription, you can get access to hundreds of audio stories designed to get you in the mood, show you what you like, and open you up to self-discovery. Every Dipsea story is a consensual, feminist, and sex-positive original production created by our in-house team of storytellers. 

In addition to Sexy Stories, our library also includes cozy Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions.

You can download Dipsea in the App Store, Google Play Store, or access the app online. 

__Who are the people behind the app?__

We’re a female-founded company based in San Francisco, California. My co-founder Faye and I were friends before we started Dipsea, and we were fascinated by the idea that sexuality is as mental as it is physical. So we set out to create erotica as sexy as it is sex-positive. 

Four years later, Dipsea has grown into a team of 20+ incredible people. We’re half tech startup and half story studio. Our team includes audio producers and software engineers, writers, and product managers. None of us had professional experience creating erotica, which means we write our own rules and bring fresh energy and ideas to a totally new genre of storytelling. 

__How do you work with voice actors and story contributors?__

The best way to live a commitment to diversity and inclusion is to give paid opportunities to people doing excellent work. We work with a big network of talented voice actors who can represent how the world really sounds, and over 50% of our characters are voiced by people of color. 

Voice actors are recorded individually in studios all over the world. Dipsea producers then mix those recordings to create immersive audio stories where it sounds like multiple characters are together. It’s amazing how realistic a Dipsea story sounds, and a lot of hard work goes into creating that magic. 

Most of our stories are written in-house, but we occasionally partner with writers and story contributors with unique stories to tell and who can base their storytelling on their lived experiences. 

__What makes Dipsea special?__

Chances are you’ve probably been taught a few things about sex that aren’t serving you: that your desires are shameful, that pleasure is only okay when it comes after the word “guilty,” and that sex is basically a relay race toward orgasm with a partner. 

Dipsea is (literally) flipping the script, deprogramming harmful ideas, and re-setting the standards—high—for women’s lives and relationships. 

At Dipsea, we have two core beliefs. The first? Sexual wellness is essential. You deserve to feel good in your body, to live shame-free, to voice your preferences and state your boundaries, and to experience pleasure. The second? That storytelling is powerful. It illuminates the parts of yourself you might have lost touch with, gives you ideas for your own life, and fires up the imagination. 

We take a mind-first approach to sexuality because the answers have always been a part of you. Dipsea is a powerful reminder that starting with you—your wants, your needs, your fantasies—is the best way to manifest sexual wellness, and to feel more confident and joyful in and out of the bedroom. 

__What are the stories like?__

Desire is all in the details. That’s why we put so much care into every story we create. Between 10-25 minutes long, Dipsea audio stories immerse you in a world of aspirational and 100% consensual sex and relationships, and sometimes even insert you into the story. You’ll meet characters you’ll love—and watch your imagination do the rest. 

We want people to hear themselves in our stories. Over 50% of our characters are voiced by people of color, and over 25% of our stories are queer. Characters are empowered in their sexual, social, and romantic experiences. Sex is communicative, and pleasure doesn’t sound performed. 

__How sexy are the stories, really?__

Dipsea stories are designed to be erotic. Some are more flirtatious and romantic, and some include more intense themes like off-limits hookups, threesomes, and BDSM. 

We believe communication is key. Stories are always clearly tagged, labeled, and explained—so you always know exactly what you’re getting into before you listen. Because if you don’t feel safe and comfortable, you’ll never feel relaxed and turned on. And you’ll have an easy time finding more of what you’re looking for, especially as we get to know you better. 

__What are your Sleep Scenes like?__

Every night Dipsea was already being invited under duvets, tucked under pillows, and placed on nightstands. Sleep by Dipsea was developed as an even more intentional exhale at the end of a listening session.

Queue up soothing sounds, tranquil tours of dreamy destinations, and cozy Sleep Overs where a Dipsea Hunk tucks you in and then stays close by (playing the guitar or cleaning up after dinner) while you drift off. Dipsea Sleep Scenes range between 15-60 minutes. 

__What about the Wellness Sessions?__

Our Wellness Sessions are designed to support listeners trying to bring more of an active practice into their sexual and romantic lives. We partner with experts to create meditations, erotic breathwork exercises, dirty talk how-to’s, self-love guides, and more. 

__Why does Dipsea focus on audio?__

90% of women use their imaginations to get aroused, according to a study done by OMGYes and the Kinsey Institute. Audio erotica is intimate, immersive, and incredibly personal for each listener. Every story becomes your own personal version, designed by your own imagination. 
Dipsea now also offers sexy stories that you can read chapter by chapter, so you can get lost in the steamy backstories of your favorite Hunks, or discover new retellings of our most loved series.

__Is Dipsea just for women?__

Dipsea was designed with women in mind because they were so clearly underserved in a space defined by and for the male gaze. But the app is a safe space for all perspectives, preferences, and genders. Dipsea has HER + HER, HER + HIM, and a growing selection of HIM + HIM, and non-binary content. Over 25% of the Dipsea library is queer. Dipsea is an approachable resource for anyone who wants to get in the mood, spark their imagination, and learn about themselves. 

__Can partners listen together?__

If you think Dipsea might be a fun way to get in the mood together or to break the ice on certain topics with your partner—amazing! Dipsea is a highly personal experience, and you should listen in the ways that make the most sense for you. Our research shows that most people listen solo (~90% of subscribers), but more than 30% of people say the reason they listen to Dipsea is for the positive effect it has on their relationships. 

By nurturing your imagination and getting familiar with your fantasies and boundaries, you’re primed to have great sex with yourself and others. 

__Can I work for Dipsea?__ 

We’re only as great as the people we work with, and we’d love to meet you. Check out the current opportunities for working with us: 

- [Work with us](https://angel.co/dipsea/jobs)
- [Voice act for us](https://www.dipseastories.com/voice/) 
- [Become a story contributor](https://forms.gle/dQ4j9zPFxffqoH5c6) 


Looking for answers? You're in the right place. Read the FAQs to find out what Dipsea is and learn more about the team behind it. We've got all your answers right here. 

What is Dipsea? Why does Dipsea matter? Who is Dipsea for?

FAQ-v2

Dipsea FAQ

Ready to explore a new side of yourself? That's what Dipsea is for. 

The Deep Dive opens up the dialogue around modern intimacy and gives you a peek into the universe of people, ideas, and stories that light us up and move the conversation around sexuality forward.

The Deep Dive

It’s your party, and you can cry if you want to! And, well, sometimes you’ll cry even if you don’t want to. The spectrum of human emotions is a gift, even if they sometimes don’t feel that way. 

Ok, let’s paint a picture: You’re lying in bed next to your partner(s). There’s mood music playing. The sheets are warm and soft, maybe a window is cracked, and a little breeze sneaks in. The lights are dim, and maybe a candle is lit. Everyone is a little out of breath, sweating, but just enough to glisten in the light, and you just had one of the best orgasms of your life. 

Next thing you know, you start to cry. Waves of emotion begin to wash over you—it might not be big sobs, just some tears slowly rolling down your cheeks. Or, maybe they are big sobs. Now you’re confused. Moments ago, you were just experiencing one of the greatest pleasures you’ve felt. Now? Tears. What gives? 

You might be experiencing Postcoital Dysphoria or PCD—and one thing to know before we dive into Postcoital Dysphoria is that if you’ve ever experienced it, you are absolutely not alone. 

What is Postcoital Dysphoria

Postcoital Dysphoria (or PCD) is also sometimes called Postcoital Tristesse (triste is a French word that means ‘sadness’ which, even though we’ll still be referring to it as PCD, does make the whole thing sound a little more romantic), and refers to the waves of emotion that lead some people to start crying after sex. It’s also sometimes called the post-sex blues. 

Postcoital Dysphoria is specifically related to negative emotions some people experience after sex and is frequently accompanied, but not always, by crying. 

It’s important to remember that crying is good, healthy, and normal and is often the body's response to experiencing intense emotions or sensations—even good ones. And sex, very often, is intense, so crying makes sense. 

But just because you might cry after sex doesn’t mean you’re experiencing Postcoital Dysphoria. Sometimes, you might just be experiencing happy post-sex tears!

Who experiences Postcoital Dysphoria

Everybody! Or, well, not everybody, but every type of person. As with most topics related to sex, pleasure, and intimacy, there hasn’t been much deep research done on Postcoital Dysphoria or crying after sex in general. And the subjects of the research that has been done haven’t been broadly representative (predominantly, they have been white and cisgender)—but, one thing is clear: across the men and women who have been studied, subjects experience Postcoital Dysphoria in more similarly percentages than not. 

In a study published in Sexual Medicine, which focused on women, 46 percent of those who responded said they had experienced PCD at least once in their lifetime. 

In another study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 41% of the surveyed men said that they experienced Postcoital Dysphoria symptoms at least once in their lives. 3% of the men also said they experienced it regularly, and 5% of the women reported experiencing it within the last four weeks.

What causes Postcoital Dysphoria

Like we said, Postcoital Dysphoria is devastatingly under-researched, but there are still a few things that are necessary to know and a few ideas as to why you might be experiencing it if you do.

Perhaps most importantly, Postcoital Dysphoria can occur after joyful, consensual, pleasurable sex with people you know, love, and trust. Postcoital Dysphoria and its negative emotions are in no way correlated to that positive relationship. 

Some researchers believe that early childhood abuse may be one case of Postcoital Dysphoria, and post-natal depression might be another. The hormonal changes associated with the latter are what have led scientists to believe this could be a cause. 

Additionally, they believe people who experience anxiety and depression may also be more likely to experience sadness after sex. 

What to do if you feel sad after sex

It’s very possible that you might experience shame for feeling sad after sex or be uncomfortable navigating Postcoital Dysphoria, particularly if you’re still in bed with your partner(s). But you don’t need to navigate that alone. Here are a few things that might help. 

Talk to your partner(s)
Chances are, the person or people you’re in bed with might notice if you experience a shift in mood following sex. If you feel safe and comfortable, open up to them about it. Or change the topic entirely. Knowing that feelings beyond your control have brought on this emotion can also free you to move on from it quickly if you’d like to. 

Engage in some aftercare
Talking with your partner(s) is one version of aftercare, but there are dozens—hundreds, even—of other options. If you don’t already have an aftercare practice established, we’ve got some ideas for you. But, you can (and maybe should!) do that now, even if you’ve never experienced PCD. A post-sex routine that helps keep you connected, or one that helps you connect back with yourself, is important even if you’re feeling wonderful after sex (even sex with yourself!). 

Get lost in a story
Sometimes, what our brain really needs, is an escape. Dipsea stories are consensual, sex-positive stories that center the safety and pleasure of everyone involved. If you’re feeling a little down post-sex but still want to hang out in the after-glow (especially if your after-glow was cut short), press play and be reminded of all the ways pleasure is a powerful force of good in your life. They’re also the perfect windup to sex, so a Dipsea booked might be just what you’re looking for. 


It’s your party, and you can cry if you want to! And, well, sometimes you’ll cry even if you don’t want to. The spectrum of human emotion is a gift, even if they sometimes don’t feel that way. 

Ok, let’s paint a picture: You’re lying in bed next to your partner(s). There’s mood music playing. The sheets are warm and soft, maybe a window is cracked, and a little breeze sneaks in. The lights are dim, and maybe a candle is lit. Everyone is a little out of breath, sweating, but just enough to glisten in the light, and you just had one of the best orgasms of your life. 

Next thing you know, you start to cry. Waves of emotion begin to wash over you—it might not be big sobs, just some tears slowly rolling down your cheeks. Or, maybe they are big sobs. Now you’re confused. Moments ago, you were just experiencing one of the greatest pleasures you’ve felt. Now? Tears. What gives? 

You might be experiencing Postcoital Dysphoria or PCD—and one thing to know before we dive into Postcoital Dysphoria is that if you’ve ever experienced it, you are absolutely not alone. 

## What is Postcoital Dysphoria

[Postcoital Dysphoria](https://www.issm.info/sexual-health-qa/what-is-postcoital-dysphoria-post-sex-blues/) (or PCD) is also sometimes called Postcoital Tristesse (triste is a French word that means ‘sadness’ which, even though we’ll still be referring to it as PCD, does make the whole thing sound a little more romantic), and refers to the waves of emotion that lead some people to start crying after sex. It’s also sometimes called the post-sex blues. 

Postcoital Dysphoria is specifically related to negative emotions some people experience after sex and is frequently accompanied, but not always, by crying. 

It’s important to remember that crying is good, healthy, and normal and is often the body's response to experiencing intense emotions or sensations—even good ones. And sex, very often, is intense, so crying makes sense. 

But just because you might [cry after sex](https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/crying-after-sex#if-you-cry) doesn’t mean you’re experiencing Postcoital Dysphoria. Sometimes, you might just be experiencing happy post-sex tears!

## Who experiences Postcoital Dysphoria

Everybody! Or, well, not everybody, but every type of person. As with most topics related to sex, pleasure, and intimacy, there hasn’t been much deep research done on Postcoital Dysphoria or crying after sex in general. And the subjects of the research that has been done haven’t been broadly representative (predominantly, they have been white and cisgender)—but, one thing is clear: across the men and women who have been studied, subjects experience Postcoital Dysphoria in more similarly percentages than not. 

[In a study](https://www.webmd.com/sex/what-to-know-postcoital-dysphoria) published in Sexual Medicine, which focused on women, 46 percent of those who responded said they had experienced PCD at least once in their lifetime. 

In another study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 41% of the surveyed men said that they experienced Postcoital Dysphoria symptoms at least once in their lives. 3% of the men also said they experienced it regularly, and in the previous study 5% of the women reported experiencing it within the last four weeks.

## What causes Postcoital Dysphoria

Like we said, Postcoital Dysphoria is devastatingly under-researched, but there are still a few things that you should know and a few ideas as to [why you might](https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/relationships-love/a28538535/crying-after-sex/) be experiencing it if you do.

Perhaps most importantly, it's necessary to know that Postcoital Dysphoria can occur after joyful, consensual, pleasurable sex with people you know, love, and trust. Postcoital Dysphoria and its negative emotions are in no way correlated to that positive relationship. 

Some researchers believe that early childhood abuse may be one cause of Postcoital Dysphoria, and post-natal depression might be another. The hormonal changes associated with the latter are what have led scientists to believe this could be a cause. 

Additionally, they believe people who experience anxiety and depression may also be more likely to experience sadness after sex. 

## What to do if you feel sad after sex

It’s very possible that you might experience shame for feeling sad after sex or be uncomfortable navigating Postcoital Dysphoria, particularly if you’re still in bed with your partner(s). But you don’t need to navigate that alone. Here are a few things that might help. 

### Talk to your partner(s)
Chances are, the person or people you’re in bed with might notice if you experience a shift in mood following sex. If you feel safe and comfortable, open up to them about it. Or change the topic entirely. Knowing that feelings beyond your control have brought on this emotion can also free you to move on from it quickly if you’d like to. 

### Engage in some aftercare
Talking with your partner(s) is one version of aftercare, but there are dozens—hundreds, even—of other options. If you don’t already have an aftercare practice established, [we’ve got some ideas for you](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-with-aftercare/). But, you can (and maybe should!) do that now, even if you’ve never experienced PCD. A post-sex routine that helps keep you connected, or one that helps you connect back with yourself, is important even if you’re feeling wonderful after sex (even sex with yourself!). 

### Get lost in a story
Sometimes, what our brain really needs, is an escape. Dipsea stories are consensual, sex-positive stories that center the safety and pleasure of everyone involved. If you’re feeling a little down post-sex but still want to hang out in the after-glow (especially if your after-glow was cut short), press play and be reminded of all the ways pleasure is a powerful force of good in your life. They’re also the perfect windup to sex, so a Dipsea booked might be just what you’re looking for. 

Is crying after sex normal, and could it be postcoital dysphoria? We've got the answers! 

Crying-Durning-Sex

Is crying after sex normal? 

sensual recentering

Sensual Recentering

Mapping Your Pleasure Spots

Mapping Pleasure

Do you know how big your clitoris is? If this question is making your eyes cross, that’s OK. You’re definitely not alone. This is Patriarchy as its worst.

Most of us (both penis-owners and clitoris-owners alike) are unaware of the full structure of the clitoris. So let us take an opportunity to enlighten, shock, and (hopefully) delight you.

The glans clitoris is just the small section of the clitoris most of us know (and if you don’t, read this). The FULL clitoris extends beneath the labia and into the abdomen. You cannot see it by looking at the vulva. The internal clitoris, or clitoral body, can reach up to five inches in some women (though the average is about 7 cm). To put this into perspective, five inches is roughly the size of the average penis.

The glans clitoris is about 0.5 to 2 cm in size. Size will vary from female-bodied person to female-bodied person. Every single clitoris, regardless of shape, size, or color is completely normal. This is also true of essentially every part of the vulva and vagina. 

Having the full scope of this information is important because the study and understanding of female sexuality is still in its earliest stages. This means that many doctors don’t have enough information or understanding of the clit. What’s more, Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., a Licensed Psychologist, Certified Sex Therapist, and Author of Becoming Cliterate, tells us that “much of the new understanding has not permeated popular culture, which means many of use are still viewing women’s sexuality based on outdated ideas. The result is a lot of women are having horrible sex and blaming themselves and feeling broken.”

To give you a better understanding of the clitoris and why it’s been largely unexplored, we need to go back to some history.
Science and the historical emphasis on male bodies.

Science has long ignored female pleasure, pain, and anatomy. For example, as writer Lili Loofbourow pointed out in a 2018 feature piece on female sexual pain, if you take a peek at PubMed, there are 393 clinical trials on dyspareunia (recurring pain during intercourse), 10 on vaginismus (extreme pelvic floor muscle spasms, making penetration impossible), and 43 on vulvodynia (chronic pain in the vulva or vagina). Meanwhile, erectile dysfunction has 1,954 studies. 

We simply have not devoted enough money or time to the study of female sexual pain or female anatomy in general. It’s some serious BS, but facts are facts.

Mintz thinks that it took science so long to figure out the clitoris due to an incorrect, sexist, assumption that male sexual functioning is the most important thing and that we can extrapolate assumptions about female sexual function from it. “We have too long believed that if we study men’s sexuality, we can apply that to women,” Mintz says “Even today, this bias exists in scientific research.”

We didn’t even know the full structure of the internal clitoris until the ‘90s. 
You did not read that incorrectly, folx. The history of this research goes back to the work of urologist Dr. Helen O'Connell, who set out to research female sexual anatomy. Using MRI technology, she discovered that the clitoris was much bigger than the small, bud-like bump outside of the vulva, and that it extended into the body. For the first time, the true size of the clitoris was revealed. She first published her work in 1998.

Yes, 1998. 

It’s kind of mindblowing, considering that MRIs on male anatomy had been carried out in the 70s. Again, Patriarchy. What’s truly the most shocking is how not shocking this information actually is. 

We didn’t see imaging of the clitoris until 2006.
For a little more “FML” material, the incorrect assumption that the clitoris was made up entirely of a small exterior bundle (the glans clitoris) wasn’t thoroughly examined until the 2000s. The first 3D sonography of the clitoris happened in 2008. 

French scientists Odile Buisson and Pierre Foldès were two of the leading researchers in uncovering the full structure of the clit, using sonograms to document the structure, sensitivity, and movement of this very special sensory organ.

And finally, a breakdown of the structure of the clit.
The clitoris is a large internal and external organ. It is the only organ whose sole purpose is pleasure, though experts are still debating the evolutionary purpose of the clit’s anatomical placement. However, Mintz says that there isn’t enough data to make a different conclusion. She says that “until another function is proven, the only function of the clitoris is sexual pleasure.” 

That is pretty damn cool, don’t you think?

As we explained above, the only part you can see is the glans clitoris, which includes the clitoral hood. The rest (the legs and bulbs of the clitoris) are internal. “Just like a penis, the clitoris has erectile tissue; in fact, one part of the internal clitoris, the bulbs, can get anywhere from 50 to 300 percent larger when enlarged,” Mintz says.

We’ll leave you with one last clitoris fact: All female-bodied orgasms are clitoral orgasms. Yes, even G-Spot orgasms. “No matter where the stimulation occurs, the clitoris is involved,” Mintz says. “An orgasm [occurs] when the erectile tissue in the clitoris becomes engorged with blood, and then that blood is released with rhythmic contractions of the pelvic floor.” This is exactly what happens to the penis, minus the ejaculation. 

Most clits respond well to the sensation of vibration, which is why many clit-owners have their first orgasm when using a vibrator. You have the background information. Now go find it for yourself.

Gigi Engle, ACS, is London-based, certified sex educator and author All The F*cking MIstakes. Her work regularly appears in many publications including Cosmo, Glamour, Men's Health, and Refinery29. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @GigiEngle.


Do you know how big your clitoris is? If this question is making your eyes cross, that’s OK. You’re definitely not alone. This is Patriarchy at its worst.

Most of us (both penis-owners and clitoris-owners alike) are unaware of the full structure of the clitoris. So let us take an opportunity to enlighten, shock, and (hopefully) delight you.

The glans clitoris is just the small section of the clitoris most of us know (and if you don’t, [read this](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-make-yourself-cum)). The FULL clitoris extends beneath the labia and into the abdomen. You cannot see it by looking at the vulva. The internal clitoris, or clitoral body, can reach up to five inches in some women (though the average is about 7 cm). To put this into perspective, five inches is roughly the size of the average penis.

The glans clitoris is about 0.5 to 2 cm in size. Size will vary from female-bodied person to female-bodied person. Every single clitoris, regardless of shape, size, or color is completely normal. This is also true of essentially every part of the vulva and vagina. 

Having the full scope of this information is important because the study and understanding of female sexuality is still in its earliest stages. This means that many doctors don’t have enough information or understanding of the clit. What’s more, [Laurie Mintz](https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Cliterate-Orgasm-Equality-Matters/dp/0062664557), Ph.D., a Licensed Psychologist, Certified Sex Therapist, and Author of Becoming Cliterate, tells us that “much of the new understanding has not permeated popular culture, which means many of us are still viewing women’s sexuality based on outdated ideas. The result is a lot of women are having horrible sex and blaming themselves and feeling broken.”

To give you a better understanding of the clitoris and why it’s been largely unexplored, we need to go back to some history.

### Science and the historical emphasis on male bodies.

Science has long ignored female pleasure, pain, and anatomy. For example, as writer Lili Loofbourow pointed out in a [2018 feature piece](https://theweek.com/articles/749978/female-price-male-pleasure) on female sexual pain, if you take a peek at [PubMed](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/), there are 393 clinical trials on dyspareunia (recurring pain during intercourse), 10 on vaginismus (extreme pelvic floor muscle spasms, making penetration impossible), and 43 on vulvodynia (chronic pain in the vulva or vagina). Meanwhile, erectile dysfunction has 1,954 studies. 

We simply have not devoted enough money or time to the study of female sexual pain or female anatomy in general. It’s some serious BS, but facts are facts.

Mintz thinks that it took science so long to figure out the clitoris due to an incorrect, sexist, assumption that male sexual functioning is the most important thing and that we can extrapolate assumptions about female sexual function from it. “We have too long believed that if we study men’s sexuality, we can apply that to women,” Mintz says “Even today, this bias exists in scientific research.”

### We didn’t even know the full structure of the internal clitoris until the ‘90s. 

You did not read that incorrectly, folx. The history of this research goes back to the work of urologist Dr. Helen O'Connell, who set out to research female sexual anatomy. Using MRI technology, she discovered that the clitoris was much bigger than the small, bud-like bump outside of the vulva, and that it extended into the body. For the first time, the true size of the clitoris was revealed. She [first published her work in 1998](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16145367/).

Yes, 1998. 

It’s kind of mindblowing, considering that [MRIs on male anatomy](https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/penis) had been carried out in the 70s. Again, Patriarchy. What’s truly the most shocking is how not shocking this information actually is. 

### We didn’t see imaging of the clitoris until 2006.

For a little more “FML” material, the incorrect assumption that the clitoris was made up entirely of a small exterior bundle (the glans clitoris) wasn’t thoroughly examined until the 2000s. The first 3D sonography of the clitoris happened in 2008. 

French scientists [Odile Buisson and Pierre Foldès](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19453931/) were two of the leading researchers in uncovering the full structure of the clit, using sonograms to document the structure, sensitivity, and movement of this very special sensory organ.

### And finally, a breakdown of the structure of the clit.

The clitoris is a large internal and external organ. It is the only organ whose sole purpose is pleasure, though experts are still debating the evolutionary purpose of the clit’s anatomical placement. However, Mintz says that there isn’t enough data to make a different conclusion. She says that “until another function is proven, the only function of the clitoris is sexual pleasure.” 

That is pretty damn cool, don’t you think?

As we explained above, the only part you can see is the glans clitoris, which includes the clitoral hood. The rest (the legs and bulbs of the clitoris) are internal. “Just like a penis, the clitoris has erectile tissue; in fact, one part of the internal clitoris, the bulbs, can get anywhere from 50 to 300 percent larger when enlarged,” Mintz says.

We’ll leave you with one last clitoris fact: All female-bodied orgasms are clitoral orgasms. Yes, even G-Spot orgasms. “No matter where the stimulation occurs, the clitoris is involved,” Mintz says. “An orgasm [occurs] when the erectile tissue in the clitoris becomes engorged with blood, and then that blood is released with rhythmic contractions of the pelvic floor.” This is exactly what happens to the penis, minus the ejaculation. 

Most clits respond well to the sensation of vibration, which is why many clit-owners have their first orgasm when using a vibrator. You have the background information. Now go find it for yourself.

---

Gigi Engle, ACS, is London-based, certified sex educator and author All The F * cking Mistakes. Her work regularly appears in many publications including Cosmo, Glamour, Men's Health, and Refinery29. Follow her on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/gigiengle/) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/GigiEngle) at @GigiEngle.


The Surprising history of the clitoris will shock you to your core

gigi engle

The surprising history of the clitoris will shock you to your core

curious

Curious

eighty-six II

Eighty-Six II

Hedonism is healthy, seriously

If you’ve heard of “hedonism,” chances are endless partying and champagne brunches are coming to mind. But, at its core, hedonism is actually just about recognizing and luxuriating in your own pleasure and joy. It’s just as much about getting [cozy with chicken pot pie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-PnBLxorl0&t=138s) on Tuesday nights as it is about being covered in glitter on the dance floor on Saturdays. Even more importantly, it’s the antithesis of the grind culture we operate under that tells us if we’re not working we aren’t worthy. Here, we’ll break it down for you. 

Let’s start out with the definition. Hedonism, as a practice, is the pursuit of pleasure and sensual self-indulgence. That’s it, that’s all there is to it. Hedonism is about orienting your life with the intention of doing more of the things that make you feel good. Not just on the surface (although surface-level pleasures certainly have their time and place), but deeply, in a meaningful way.

We’ve all spent the last two years listening to people tell us what we should be doing to make ourselves feel good. Going on walks in the morning. Eating less of this, drinking more of that. Writing morning pages. [Pointing our naked butts toward the sun](https://jezebel.com/sunbathe-your-asshole-for-wellness-1840031856)? It was… a lot. But you know who already knows what makes you feel good? You do. 

PQ: Hedonism is healthy

So maybe that means skipping your morning walk and staying in bed a little longer, or not, if that’s your thing. Maybe it’s swapping an apple for your favorite pastry every once in a while. Skip the gym and dance until you sweat, or break a sweat under the sheets all by yourself. You didn’t earn it, and the good news is, you don’t have to. Pleasure is yours to give yourself freely whenever you want. Live a little! Or better yet, live a lot. 

And, wouldn’t you know it? Doing more of what feels good is actually good for you. Wild, we know. A little bit of new research in 2020 concluded that savoring, pursuing, and enjoying pleasurable activities leads to a happy life. As it turns out, hedonism is healthy. 

Back in early January, over on Instagram, Reese Witherspoon shared a list of habits she was working toward. New Year’s Resolutions, if you will. Here’s what they were: 

1. Start the day with a big glass of water.
2. Get 10 mins of outdoor light.
3. Spend 30 - 60 mins reading without distraction everyday.
4. In bed by 10pm. no late night TV binges. Try to get  8 hours of rest!

All of those things sound wonderful. We love Reese, and outdoor light. But, we also love occasional late nights, and TV binges. Thankfully, Ina Garten snuck into the comments section. 

Maybe your version of hedonism looks like Reese’s, and maybe it looks like Ina’s. Or maybe it looks like something entirely different. The only important thing is that you start noticing what it looks like, so that you can start doing more of it. 

We created Dipsea because we wanted there to be more. More space for pleasure. More options for women when it comes to accessing their pleasure. More conversation about sex and intimacy. And more opportunities for women to get comfortable doing whatever it is they damn well want. We created it to be a little hedonism sanctuary, and we’re so glad you’re here with us. 

Hedonism is healthy. Pleasure is powerful. And when you embrace both, you’re unstoppable. 

xx, 
Dipsea


If you’ve heard of “hedonism,” chances are endless partying and champagne brunches are coming to mind. But, at its core, hedonism is actually just about recognizing and luxuriating in your own pleasure and joy. It’s just as much about getting [cozy with chicken pot pie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-PnBLxorl0&t=138s) on Tuesday nights as it is about being covered in glitter on the dance floor on Saturdays. Even more importantly, it’s the antithesis of the grind culture we operate under that tells us if we’re not working we aren’t worthy. Here, we’ll break it down for you. 

Let’s start out with the definition. Hedonism, as a practice, is the pursuit of pleasure and sensual self-indulgence. That’s it, that’s all there is to it. Hedonism is about orienting your life with the intention of doing more of the things that make you feel good. Not just on the surface (although surface-level pleasures certainly have their time and place), but deeply, in a meaningful way.

We’ve all spent the last two years listening to people tell us what we should be doing to make ourselves feel good. Going on walks in the morning. Eating less of this, drinking more of that. Writing morning pages. [Pointing our naked butts toward the sun](https://jezebel.com/sunbathe-your-asshole-for-wellness-1840031856)? It was… a lot. But you know who already knows what makes you feel good? You do. 

So maybe that means skipping your morning walk and staying in bed a little longer, or not, if that’s your thing. Maybe it’s swapping an apple for your favorite pastry every once in a while. Skip the gym and dance until you sweat, or break a sweat under the sheets all by yourself. You didn’t earn it, and the good news is, you don’t have to. Pleasure is yours to give yourself freely whenever you want. Live a little! Or better yet, live a lot. 

<img src="//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/1VFmYgdQUWcpG3OqalWrkH/e7e89d13963010e5cc9bf1db233faa67/Screen_Shot_2022-02-28_at_2.21.51_PM.png" alt="hedonism" width="2396" height="806">

And, wouldn’t you know it? Doing more of what feels good is actually good for you. Wild, we know. A little bit of [new research](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/07/200727114739.htm) in 2020 concluded that savoring, pursuing, and enjoying pleasurable activities leads to a happy life. As it turns out, hedonism is healthy. 

Back in early January, over on Instagram, Reese Witherspoon shared a list of habits she was working toward. New Year’s Resolutions, if you will. Here’s what they were: 

1. Start the day with a big glass of water.
2. Get 10 mins of outdoor light.
3. Spend 30 - 60 mins reading without distraction everyday.
4. In bed by 10pm. no late-night TV binges. Try to get 8 hours of rest!

All of those things sound wonderful. We love Reese, and outdoor light. But, we also love occasional late nights, and TV binges. Thankfully, Ina Garten [snuck into the comments section](https://www.delish.com/food-news/a38746139/ina-garten-reese-witherspoon-resolutions/). 

![hedonism](//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/MLTd6NDhUethETeoyHYk5/69419f7f9bdea47122ddeef01962a7fa/unnamed__1_.png)

"That sounds great but I’m probably not doing any of those things! LOL!!" Garten commented. "My formula is easier to follow: 1. Drink more large cosmos 2. Stay up late watching addictive streaming series, 3. Stay in bed in the morning playing Sudoku instead of reading a good book. 4. Spend more time (safely) with people you love. In a pandemic, I do what I can!"

Maybe your version of hedonism looks like Reese’s, and maybe it looks like Ina’s. Or maybe it looks like something entirely different. The only important thing is that you start noticing what it looks like, so that you can start doing more of it. 

We created Dipsea because we wanted there to be more. More space for pleasure. More options for women when it comes to accessing their pleasure. More conversation about sex and intimacy. And more opportunities for women to get comfortable doing whatever it is they damn well want. We created it to be a little hedonism sanctuary, and we’re so glad you’re here with us. 

Hedonism is healthy. Pleasure is powerful. And when you embrace both, you’re unstoppable. 

xx, 
Dipsea


What is hedonism? Hedonism, as a practice, is the pursuit of pleasure and sensual self-indulgence. That’s it, that’s all there is to it.

Hedonism is healthy

hedonism

Hedonism is healthy, seriously

in the dark

In the Dark

the tradition

The Tradition

Ready to dive into your own hedonism sanctuary? That's what Dipsea is for. 

Society finds it easier to accept individual differences if they fit into neat categories. The messaging we often receive is that we are either one thing or another—introverted or extroverted, an artist or an engineer, gay or straight. But very few of us fit perfectly into any particular box—our identities often fall somewhere in between. If you're wondering how to tell if you're bi, you may be curious about what your desires mean and how to categorize yourself. 

Sexual identity is fluid, meaning it can change throughout your life. You may identify as straight during most of your life only to discover that you're more attracted to same-sex partners in your thirties. Then, in later years, you may move back toward the middle and identify as bisexual. 

When you question your sexual identity, tons of questions pop up. What does bisexual mean? How does someone know they’re bisexual rather than lesbian, gay, straight, or another sexual orientation? How do you talk about your sexual identity with people in your life? Read on to learn how to tell if you're bi and tips for what to do once you decide. 

## What does it mean to be bi?

There are no set criteria you can use to determine if you're bisexual. This may be frustrating as you search for concrete answers, but it’s also freeing—everyone gets to choose the label they want to describe their sexual identity. 

That said, it helps to have a definition to work with. The [definition of bisexuality from PFLAG](https://pflag.org/glossary) says that if someone recognizes their ability to be attracted to people of more than one gender, they are considered bisexual. The attraction to different genders can be sexual, romantic, and/or emotional. 

Based on this definition, bisexual people don't have to have [sexual experiences with people of more than one gender](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/threesome-positions) or with anyone at all. A woman who's never had a sexual experience with another woman can still be bisexual if she chooses to identify as such. No one gets to ask for your sexual resume when you choose a label for your sexual orientation.

Bisexuality is about attraction and how you relate to people. For example, a bisexual woman might desire both cisgender women and cisgender men. Or, she may be attracted to transgender folks or nonbinary people. If you're wondering how to tell if you're bi, remember you don't have to like each gender in the same way or even the same amount. You just have to be attracted to more than one gender. 

## Other closely related labels

There's more than one label for people attracted to more than one gender. The term bisexual doesn't fit everyone. There are many different labels in the LGBTQIA community because no one word suits everyone's needs.

Some people identify as pansexual because they can feel attracted to all people regardless of sex or gender identity. Other people choose to call themselves queer because they identify as members of the LGBTQIA community but don't want a specific label. 

None of these labels requires a person to have sexual experiences with every gender they find attractive. Self-identification is all that's necessary. 

## How to tell if you're bi: 4 questions to ask yourself

Some people know they're bisexual before they enter high school. Others live their lives as straight people only to become bi-curious or experience attraction for same-gender people for the first time later in life. While no checklist will tell you if you're bisexual, it may be helpful to consider your sexuality using the following questions. 

While the answers to these questions won't tell you whether you're bisexual, they may help [focus your self-discovery](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-exploration) and lead you to the answers you’re hoping for. 

### Am I attracted to more than one gender?

It can be difficult to pinpoint exactly why we’re attracted to the people who turn our heads. It’s often more than physical appearance—confidence, the sound of a voice, or the way someone smells all play a role. If you’re bisexual, you’re likely to have experienced the butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling around attractive people of multiple genders. 

If you’re questioning your sexual orientation, it may be helpful to explore that attraction a bit. Switch your dating profiles to the other gender and see how it feels to swipe. Perhaps next time you’re out and find yourself drawn to someone of the same sex, entertain that feeling with a bit of flirting to see how it feels.

If you’re not ready to involve others in your search, try fantasizing about rolling around with people of different genders [during your next solo sesh](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/masturbating-is-important-even-when-youre-in-a-relationship). 

### Do I fantasize about people of more than one gender when I masturbate? 

While not all [sexual fantasies](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-fantasy-stories) are destined to become a reality, if you regularly fantasize or enjoy sexual stimuli involving more than one gender, it’s a good sign you have bisexual tendencies. 

Sure, it’s common for straight people to find members of the same sex objectively attractive. Anyone can look at a photo of a celebrity and recognize that they’re hot. But the truth is, straight people aren’t turned on by members of their sex! They don’t fantasize about touching, kissing, and having sex with members of the same sex, so you very well could be bi if that’s you. 

Being bisexual is all about attraction and self-identification, so even if you never have sexual experiences with people of multiple genders, you can still be bisexual. 

### Am I confused about my sexuality? 

We live in a society that assumes heterosexuality unless people say otherwise. This means you may grow up thinking of yourself as heterosexual just because no other options were presented to you. 

Eventually, a connection with someone of the same gender or something as simple as an erotic story about someone of the same gender as you may cause you to wonder if you really are straight. 

If you feel confused and find yourself typing “how to tell if you’re bi” into the search bar on Google, it’s actually a good indicator that your sexuality lies somewhere other than heterosexual. Many a queer person’s story starts with a trend in their search history—it’s a natural first step!

If you grew up without the tools to talk about your sexuality openly, it’s especially challenging to figure out if you’re bisexual. You might have voices in your head telling you that you can’t be anything but straight. 

The good news is that it’s never too late to explore and see what feels right! No label is permanent, so there’s no harm in trying it on for a while. 

### How does calling myself bisexual make me feel?

Questioning your sexual identity can be a nerve-racking process. If you grew up in a community that was open and inclusive, you may feel excited about the idea of a sexual identity label that feels truer to who you are. If, on the other hand, you grew up around heteronormative messaging, the idea of breaking out of that mold can feel intimidating. 

Try looking in the mirror and saying “I’m bisexual” out loud (we know, it’s cheesy, but try it!). If the thought of calling yourself bisexual causes intense feelings of excitement and freedom, or on the flip side, fear and dread, it’s a good sign you need to do a bit of soul searching (and possibly [sexual exploration](https://dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-exploration)). 

You don’t need to share your journey with anyone until you’re ready, but reaching out to LGBTQIA communities or a therapist skilled at guiding people through the questioning process may help you feel supported in your search. 

## Bisexuality and your existing relationship

Even if your relationship appears heterosexual to outsiders, you can still call yourself bi. Your relationship doesn’t define your sexuality—you do. There are bisexual people who stay in long-term relationships with the opposite gender and never date someone of their same sex, and they are still bi. 

Sometimes, members of the bisexual community experience bisexual erasure when they are in a committed relationship with someone of one gender. People might assume their sexuality just because of their relationship status. For example, a bisexual man in a monogamous relationship with a woman might be considered straight by others. A woman in a relationship with a woman might be called a lesbian when she actually identifies as bi.

Bisexuality is a legitimate sexuality, no matter who you’re with. If you’re wondering if you’re bi, don’t let your relationship status hold you back from asking yourself about your sexuality.

Some people who discover their sexuality during a long-term, committed partnership decide to open up their marriage so they can test the waters. [Non-monogamy](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/ethical-non-monogamy) is a legitimate relationship style that places emphasis on honesty, communication, and trust. These types of partnerships acknowledge that there is no shortage of love to go around and that having other sexual partners doesn’t diminish the strength or legitimacy of the committed relationship.

But then again, many bi people realize they’re bi and happily stay in their monogamous relationships. While a common stereotype is that bisexual people are more likely to be promiscuous, that isn’t true. That harmful notion assumes: A) having multiple sexual partners is morally wrong, B) being monogamous is right, and C) bisexual people can’t control their sexual attraction. 

The truth is that you can have as many safe, consensual sexual partners as you want, but being bisexual doesn’t make you more likely to cheat in a monogamous relationship than any other sexual orientation. 

## How to come out as bi to loved ones

If you come to the conclusion that you’re a bisexual person, you may wonder how to come out to your friends and family. The answer depends on how you want to handle the situation. Some people live their bisexual identity loudly, and others prefer to keep their sexual orientation private their whole life. The choice is yours. 

When deciding how to discuss your sexual identity with loved ones, think about how they might react. If you have concerns about biphobia, you may want to bring a best friend or support person with you for the conversation. 

Some people initiate a formal conversation where they officially come out to loved ones as a group or one at a time. Other people decide to live their lives and introduce romantic partners as they come without the fanfare of a formal discussion. Whichever path you choose, remember that the most important thing is that your sexual orientation feels true to you. 

## Use self-pleasure to explore your sexual orientation

Since identifying as bisexual only requires you to be attracted to people of more than one gender, fantasizing during masturbation can help you explore. You may find you like fantasizing about the opposite sex or same-sex partners—or both. In addition to helping you find out if you're bisexual, listening to erotic audio can help spark a conversation about your sexual orientation with your partner(s) when you're ready. 

Dipsea offers immersive erotic audio designed to encourage exploration and self-pleasure. If you're wondering how to tell if you're bi, you might hear some of your own thoughts reflected as this narrator has a [sexy first hookup with another woman in Swipe Right I](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/swipe-right). If you want to explore your level of attraction to multiple genders, try [listening to Curious IV](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/curious-iv) as a game of 20 questions among three friends turns steamy. 

Society finds it easier to accept individual differences if they fit into neat categories. The messaging we often receive is that we are either one thing or another—introverted or extroverted, an artist or an engineer, gay or straight. But very few of us fit perfectly into any particular box—our identities often fall somewhere in between. If you're wondering how to tell if you're bi, you may be curious about what your desires mean and how to categorize yourself. 

Sexual identity is fluid, meaning it can change throughout your life. You may identify as straight during most of your life only to discover that you're more attracted to same-sex partners in your thirties. Then, in later years, you may move back toward the middle and identify as bisexual. 

When you question your sexual identity, tons of questions pop up. What does bisexual mean? How does someone know they’re bisexual rather than lesbian, gay, straight, or another sexual orientation? How do you talk about your sexual identity with people in your life? Read on to learn how to tell if you're bi and tips for what to do once you decide. 

## What does it mean to be bi?

There are no set criteria you can use to determine if you're bisexual. This may be frustrating as you search for concrete answers, but it’s also freeing—everyone gets to choose the label they want to describe their sexual identity. 

That said, it helps to have a definition to work with. The [definition of bisexuality from PFLAG](https://pflag.org/glossary) says that if someone recognizes their ability to be attracted to people of more than one gender, they are considered bisexual. The attraction to different genders can be sexual, romantic, and/or emotional. 

Based on this definition, bisexual people don't have to have [sexual experiences with people of more than one gender](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/threesome-positions) or with anyone at all. A woman who's never had a sexual experience with another woman can still be bisexual if she chooses to identify as such. No one gets to ask for your sexual resume when you choose a label for your sexual orientation.

Bisexuality is about attraction and how you relate to people. For example, a bisexual woman might desire both cisgender women and cisgender men. Or, she may be attracted to transgender folks or nonbinary people. If you're wondering how to tell if you're bi, remember you don't have to like each gender in the same way or even the same amount. You just have to be attracted to more than one gender. 

## Other closely related labels

There's more than one label for people attracted to more than one gender. The term bisexual doesn't fit everyone. There are many different labels in the LGBTQIA community because no one word suits everyone's needs.

Some people identify as pansexual because they can feel attracted to all people regardless of sex or gender identity. Other people choose to call themselves queer because they identify as members of the LGBTQIA community but don't want a specific label. 

None of these labels requires a person to have sexual experiences with every gender they find attractive. Self-identification is all that's necessary. 

## How to tell if you're bi: 4 questions to ask yourself

Some people know they're bisexual before they enter high school. Others live their lives as straight people only to become bi-curious or experience attraction for same-gender people for the first time later in life. While no checklist will tell you if you're bisexual, it may be helpful to consider your sexuality using the following questions. 

While the answers to these questions won't tell you whether you're bisexual, they may help [focus your self-discovery](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-exploration) and lead you to the answers you’re hoping for. 

### Am I attracted to more than one gender?

It can be difficult to pinpoint exactly why we’re attracted to the people who turn our heads. It’s often more than physical appearance—confidence, the sound of a voice, or the way someone smells all play a role. If you’re bisexual, you’re likely to have experienced the butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling around attractive people of multiple genders. 

If you’re questioning your sexual orientation, it may be helpful to explore that attraction a bit. Switch your dating profiles to the other gender and see how it feels to swipe. Perhaps next time you’re out and find yourself drawn to someone of the same sex, entertain that feeling with a bit of flirting to see how it feels.

If you’re not ready to involve others in your search, try fantasizing about rolling around with people of different genders [during your next solo sesh](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/masturbating-is-important-even-when-youre-in-a-relationship). 

### Do I fantasize about people of more than one gender when I masturbate? 

While not all [sexual fantasies](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-fantasy-stories) are destined to become a reality, if you regularly fantasize or enjoy sexual stimuli involving more than one gender, it’s a good sign you have bisexual tendencies. 

Sure, it’s common for straight people to find members of the same sex objectively attractive. Anyone can look at a photo of a celebrity and recognize that they’re hot. But the truth is, straight people aren’t turned on by members of their sex! They don’t fantasize about touching, kissing, and having sex with members of the same sex, so you very well could be bi if that’s you. 

Being bisexual is all about attraction and self-identification, so even if you never have sexual experiences with people of multiple genders, you can still be bisexual. 

### Am I confused about my sexuality? 

We live in a society that assumes heterosexuality unless people say otherwise. This means you may grow up thinking of yourself as heterosexual just because no other options were presented to you. 

Eventually, a connection with someone of the same gender or something as simple as an erotic story about someone of the same gender as you may cause you to wonder if you really are straight. 

If you feel confused and find yourself typing “how to tell if you’re bi” into the search bar on Google, it’s actually a good indicator that your sexuality lies somewhere other than heterosexual. Many a queer person’s story starts with a trend in their search history—it’s a natural first step!

If you grew up without the tools to talk about your sexuality openly, it’s especially challenging to figure out if you’re bisexual. You might have voices in your head telling you that you can’t be anything but straight. 

The good news is that it’s never too late to explore and see what feels right! No label is permanent, so there’s no harm in trying it on for a while. 

### How does calling myself bisexual make me feel?

Questioning your sexual identity can be a nerve-racking process. If you grew up in a community that was open and inclusive, you may feel excited about the idea of a sexual identity label that feels truer to who you are. If, on the other hand, you grew up around heteronormative messaging, the idea of breaking out of that mold can feel intimidating. 

Try looking in the mirror and saying “I’m bisexual” out loud (we know, it’s cheesy, but try it!). If the thought of calling yourself bisexual causes intense feelings of excitement and freedom, or on the flip side, fear and dread, it’s a good sign you need to do a bit of soul searching (and possibly [sexual exploration](https://dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-exploration)). 

You don’t need to share your journey with anyone until you’re ready, but reaching out to LGBTQIA communities or a therapist skilled at guiding people through the questioning process may help you feel supported in your search. 

## Bisexuality and your existing relationship

Even if your relationship appears heterosexual to outsiders, you can still call yourself bi. Your relationship doesn’t define your sexuality—you do. There are bisexual people who stay in long-term relationships with the opposite gender and never date someone of their same sex, and they are still bi. 

Sometimes, members of the bisexual community experience bisexual erasure when they are in a committed relationship with someone of one gender. People might assume their sexuality just because of their relationship status. For example, a bisexual man in a monogamous relationship with a woman might be considered straight by others. A woman in a relationship with a woman might be called a lesbian when she actually identifies as bi.

Bisexuality is a legitimate sexuality, no matter who you’re with. If you’re wondering if you’re bi, don’t let your relationship status hold you back from asking yourself about your sexuality.

Some people who discover their sexuality during a long-term, committed partnership decide to open up their marriage so they can test the waters. [Non-monogamy](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/ethical-non-monogamy) is a legitimate relationship style that places emphasis on honesty, communication, and trust. These types of partnerships acknowledge that there is no shortage of love to go around and that having other sexual partners doesn’t diminish the strength or legitimacy of the committed relationship.

But then again, many bi people realize they’re bi and happily stay in their monogamous relationships. While a common stereotype is that bisexual people are more likely to be promiscuous, that isn’t true. That harmful notion assumes: A) having multiple sexual partners is morally wrong, B) being monogamous is right, and C) bisexual people can’t control their sexual attraction. 

The truth is that you can have as many safe, consensual sexual partners as you want, but being bisexual doesn’t make you more likely to cheat in a monogamous relationship than any other sexual orientation. 

## How to come out as bi to loved ones

If you come to the conclusion that you’re a bisexual person, you may wonder how to come out to your friends and family. The answer depends on how you want to handle the situation. Some people live their bisexual identity loudly, and others prefer to keep their sexual orientation private their whole life. The choice is yours. 

When deciding how to discuss your sexual identity with loved ones, think about how they might react. If you have concerns about biphobia, you may want to bring a best friend or support person with you for the conversation. 

Some people initiate a formal conversation where they officially come out to loved ones as a group or one at a time. Other people decide to live their lives and introduce romantic partners as they come without the fanfare of a formal discussion. Whichever path you choose, remember that the most important thing is that your sexual orientation feels true to you. 

## Use self-pleasure to explore your sexual orientation

Since identifying as bisexual only requires you to be attracted to people of more than one gender, fantasizing during masturbation can help you explore. You may find you like fantasizing about the opposite sex or same-sex partners—or both. In addition to helping you find out if you're bisexual, listening to erotic audio can help spark a conversation about your sexual orientation with your partner(s) when you're ready. 

Dipsea offers immersive erotic audio designed to encourage exploration and self-pleasure. If you're wondering how to tell if you're bi, you might hear some of your own thoughts reflected as this narrator has a [sexy first hookup with another woman in Swipe Right I](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/swipe-right). If you want to explore your level of attraction to multiple genders, try [listening to Curious IV](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/curious-iv) as a game of 20 questions among three friends turns steamy. 

If you're wondering how to tell if you're bi, this guide will help you ask yourself important questions and give you options for what to do next.

How to tell if you're bi + tips for discovery and exploration

Are-You-Bi

Swipe Right V

Two minor points on your body could be a major frontier for self-pleasure and orgasm. Nipple play isn't just foreplay to an eventual vaginal orgasm—it can be the gateway to an orgasm all its own. With strategic nipple massage, you can reach new heights of pleasure with a partner or alone.

If you've heard of the elusive nipple orgasm and found yourself skeptical about the veracity of the claim, we're here to tell you that it's real and possible to reach orgasm through nipple massage, with no direct contact with your clitoris. Let's explore the method that elevates this well-known erogenous zone to a full-blown pleasure center.

## The mechanics

Your nipples and areolas have a ton of nerve endings, just like your clitoris. Of course, you can have more or less sensitive nipples than another person, but you might not realize what you have until you start experimenting. 

Those born with penises tend to have less sensitive nipples than those born with vaginas, but that's not *always* true. There's also a non-scientific claim that the busty among us have less concentrated nerve endings than those with smaller breasts, but there's no real clinical evidence to support that. 

It's all about exploring for yourself to see how things feel. Vagina owners tend to be the ones who benefit from the magical "nipple-gasm," so that's what this article will focus on.

Interestingly, [brain scan data](https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn20770-sex-on-the-brain-what-turns-women-on-mapped-out/?utm_source=rakuten&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_campaign=2116208:Skimlinks.com&utm_content=10&ranMID=47192&ranEAID=TnL5HPStwNw&ranSiteID=TnL5HPStwNw-KZ7Z.PyTrG83piPc0MKqLQ) has been able to detect the parts of the brain that light up during vaginal, cervical, clitoral, and nipple stimulation. You may (or may not) be surprised to learn that clitoral and vaginal play activate different parts of the brain, while clitoral and nipple massage stimulate the *same* part of the sensory cortex. 

So, if the nips and the clit are sending the same signals to the same parts of the brain, it logically follows that a female orgasm can result from both places, right? That seems to be the case.

## How to prep for nipple massage

Just like prepping for [solo sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/solo-sex/), creating an experience and atmosphere will help you relax into this type of pleasure. In fact, setting the mood is a good idea whether you plan to enjoy sex alone or bring a partner into the mix. 

Make a few adjustments to make your space cozy and a bit more sensual—dim the lights, light a few scented candles, incense, or an oil diffuser, put on a [sexy playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1tHk5C4a2Q40wUCizDIPWf), and straighten up your bed. You might want to slip into some silky lingerie or forego clothes all together—whatever gets you going. Make sure your phone is on silent so that if you're listening to a Dipsea story or your playlist, you won't be interrupted with dings and pings.

## How to use nipple massage to orgasm

Nipple massage isn't just the act of squeezing the nipple, much like clitoral massage isn't just "pressing the button." It's a lot more sensual and slow than that. Reaching a nipple massage orgasm requires some focus and practice.

If you're beginning the exploration alone, start by lying on your back so that everything is accessible. Treat this exercise as a way to engage your body sexually—whole-body stimulation—then focus in on breast stimulation/breast massage, then begin to hone the focus on the areolas and nipples. Nipple stimulation causes your body to release oxytocin (the love hormone that's released both during orgasm to help you bond with your partner and during breastfeeding/lactation to help you bond with your baby), so this whole exercise should be pleasurable.

### Experiment with levels of pressure

Start with light, gentle strokes—just the tips of your fingers—down your torso, between your breasts, circling the outside, moving in tighter circles, barely making contact with your skin. This will wake up your senses, possibly produce some goosebumps. You're not touching your genitals or nipples at all, you're just priming the pump, if you will.

Notice your body and how it reacts to this touch. Does your back want to arch? Any flinching or jolting? Do your hips tilt forward? Start to move in response to your touch, allowing blood flow through your body to increase as you begin deepening the pressure with your hands. This type of play is a form of masturbation, even if you never put your hand or sex toy between your legs, so treat this as a self-seduction practice. You'll learn how your body wants to be touched, what you respond to, and when to increase pressure and speed. 

### Bring your whole body in

As your body reacts, do [kegel flexes](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexercise/), pulsing your hips forward and back, and then move your hands toward your areolas and nipples. You can play with one at a time or both at once, gently squeezing, pressing, and rubbing. You might find that one type of stimulation works far better than another to get you closer to orgasm. You might even pull out a vibrator to see if running it across your nipples moves you toward an O.

Since you're giving yourself a massage, you can use oil or lotion to smooth out the movements as you glide your hands across your body and breasts. Just lay a towel down if you're laying on furniture or your bedsheets to avoid oil stains. If you're in a partner scenario, your partner can use their mouth and tongue to stimulate your nipples, or you can try out a [suction vibrator](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/clit-pumps/) to mimic that sensation on your own. 

The more you incorporate your whole body through hip thrusts and self-touch, the more likely you are to reach a nipple play orgasm.

## Advanced techniques and foreplay

So far, we've focused only on how you can reach an orgasm with nipple massage alone. But nipple play is also a great way to enhance the intensity of a clitoral orgasm. Again, this is something you could try on your own or with a partner. Everything we described above as a [self-pleasure activity](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/masturbating-is-important-even-when-youre-in-a-relationship/) can be done with a partner as part of foreplay, eventually leading to clitoral stimulation or vaginal penetration alongside the nipple stimulation. It's especially helpful to have a partner around to use their mouth on your breasts and nipples, whether they're touching you below the belt or you’re touching yourself. 

A more advanced nipple play expert may incorporate nipple clamps into masturbation or partnered sex in order to create constant pressure there while other areas of the body are explored as well. The level of pain the nipple clamps inflict might move you into fetish territory, melding pain and pleasure into a sexy cocktail personalized for you. It's all a matter of what turns you on.

## Use external stimuli to get you there

If you're ready to give this whole "nipple-gasm" thing a try, enhance your experience by listening to a sexy story from the Dipsea vault. [Falling I](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/falling-i), a story about a chance encounter, will help titillate your senses and bring the heat right into your ears. Or listen to [this lesbian massage story](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/wild-hearts-i) where volunteers play hooky for a sexy outdoor adventure.

Two minor points on your body could be a major frontier for self-pleasure and orgasm. Nipple play isn't just foreplay to an eventual vaginal orgasm—it can be the gateway to an orgasm all its own. With strategic nipple massage, you can reach new heights of pleasure with a partner or alone.

If you've heard of the elusive nipple orgasm and found yourself skeptical about the veracity of the claim, we're here to tell you that it's real and possible to reach orgasm through nipple massage, with no direct contact with your clitoris. Let's explore the method that elevates this well-known erogenous zone to a full-blown pleasure center.

## The mechanics

Your nipples and areolas have a ton of nerve endings, just like your clitoris. Of course, you can have more or less sensitive nipples than another person, but you might not realize what you have until you start experimenting. 

Those born with penises tend to have less sensitive nipples than those born with vaginas, but that's not *always* true. There's also a non-scientific claim that the busty among us have less concentrated nerve endings than those with smaller breasts, but there's no real clinical evidence to support that. 

It's all about exploring for yourself to see how things feel. Vagina owners tend to be the ones who benefit from the magical "nipple-gasm," so that's what this article will focus on.

Interestingly, [brain scan data](https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn20770-sex-on-the-brain-what-turns-women-on-mapped-out/?utm_source=rakuten&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_campaign=2116208:Skimlinks.com&utm_content=10&ranMID=47192&ranEAID=TnL5HPStwNw&ranSiteID=TnL5HPStwNw-KZ7Z.PyTrG83piPc0MKqLQ) has been able to detect the parts of the brain that light up during vaginal, cervical, clitoral, and nipple stimulation. You may (or may not) be surprised to learn that clitoral and vaginal play activate different parts of the brain, while clitoral and nipple massage stimulate the *same* part of the sensory cortex. 

So, if the nips and the clit are sending the same signals to the same parts of the brain, it logically follows that a female orgasm can result from both places, right? That seems to be the case.

## How to prep for nipple massage

Just like prepping for [solo sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/solo-sex/), creating an experience and atmosphere will help you relax into this type of pleasure. In fact, setting the mood is a good idea whether you plan to enjoy sex alone or bring a partner into the mix. 

Make a few adjustments to make your space cozy and a bit more sensual—dim the lights, light a few scented candles, incense, or an oil diffuser, put on a [sexy playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1tHk5C4a2Q40wUCizDIPWf), and straighten up your bed. You might want to slip into some silky lingerie or forego clothes all together—whatever gets you going. Make sure your phone is on silent so that if you're listening to a Dipsea story or your playlist, you won't be interrupted with dings and pings.

## How to use nipple massage to orgasm

Nipple massage isn't just the act of squeezing the nipple, much like clitoral massage isn't just "pressing the button." It's a lot more sensual and slow than that. Reaching a nipple massage orgasm requires some focus and practice.

If you're beginning the exploration alone, start by lying on your back so that everything is accessible. Treat this exercise as a way to engage your body sexually—whole-body stimulation—then focus in on breast stimulation/breast massage, then begin to hone the focus on the areolas and nipples. Nipple stimulation causes your body to release oxytocin (the love hormone that's released both during orgasm to help you bond with your partner and during breastfeeding/lactation to help you bond with your baby), so this whole exercise should be pleasurable.

### Experiment with levels of pressure

Start with light, gentle strokes—just the tips of your fingers—down your torso, between your breasts, circling the outside, moving in tighter circles, barely making contact with your skin. This will wake up your senses, possibly produce some goosebumps. You're not touching your genitals or nipples at all, you're just priming the pump, if you will.

Notice your body and how it reacts to this touch. Does your back want to arch? Any flinching or jolting? Do your hips tilt forward? Start to move in response to your touch, allowing blood flow through your body to increase as you begin deepening the pressure with your hands. This type of play is a form of masturbation, even if you never put your hand or sex toy between your legs, so treat this as a self-seduction practice. You'll learn how your body wants to be touched, what you respond to, and when to increase pressure and speed. 

### Bring your whole body in

As your body reacts, do [kegel flexes](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexercise/), pulsing your hips forward and back, and then move your hands toward your areolas and nipples. You can play with one at a time or both at once, gently squeezing, pressing, and rubbing. You might find that one type of stimulation works far better than another to get you closer to orgasm. You might even pull out a vibrator to see if running it across your nipples moves you toward an O.

Since you're giving yourself a massage, you can use oil or lotion to smooth out the movements as you glide your hands across your body and breasts. Just lay a towel down if you're laying on furniture or your bedsheets to avoid oil stains. If you're in a partner scenario, your partner can use their mouth and tongue to stimulate your nipples, or you can try out a [suction vibrator](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/clit-pumps/) to mimic that sensation on your own. 

The more you incorporate your whole body through hip thrusts and self-touch, the more likely you are to reach a nipple play orgasm.

## Advanced techniques and foreplay

So far, we've focused only on how you can reach an orgasm with nipple massage alone. But nipple play is also a great way to enhance the intensity of a clitoral orgasm. Again, this is something you could try on your own or with a partner. Everything we described above as a [self-pleasure activity](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/masturbating-is-important-even-when-youre-in-a-relationship/) can be done with a partner as part of foreplay, eventually leading to clitoral stimulation or vaginal penetration alongside the nipple stimulation. It's especially helpful to have a partner around to use their mouth on your breasts and nipples, whether they're touching you below the belt or you’re touching yourself. 

A more advanced nipple play expert may incorporate nipple clamps into masturbation or partnered sex in order to create constant pressure there while other areas of the body are explored as well. The level of pain the nipple clamps inflict might move you into fetish territory, melding pain and pleasure into a sexy cocktail personalized for you. It's all a matter of what turns you on.

## Use external stimuli to get you there

If you're ready to give this whole "nipple-gasm" thing a try, enhance your experience by listening to a sexy story from the Dipsea vault. [Falling I](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/falling-i), a story about a chance encounter, will help titillate your senses and bring the heat right into your ears. Or listen to [this lesbian massage story](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/wild-hearts-i) where volunteers play hooky for a sexy outdoor adventure.

A nipple massage can open you up to new heights of pleasure. Some can even experience an orgasm from nipple play alone. Learn how to try it with this guide.

How to use nipple massage to reach orgasm

Nipple-Massage

falling i

Falling I

wild hearts i

Wild Hearts I

Imagine you're on a date with someone who’s captured your sexual interest. The conversation turned flirty a while ago, and both of you are riding the wave of that rush. Suddenly they lean in and whisper, "So, what are you into?"

Your heart races, and a rushing sound fills your ears. Your head swims with possible responses. What *am* I into? What sex stuff excites me? If you've never taken the time for sexual exploration, you may not have an answer that is true to your identity and honors your values about sexual behavior. 

When you're masturbating, it's essential to understand what your body likes and how your sexual arousal cycle works. When you enjoy sex with a partner, you want to communicate your desires. You need sexual exploration. Read on for some tips on sexual exploration and how it can improve your sex life. 

## What is sexual exploration?

Sexual exploration is the [age-appropriate exploration](https://ncsby.org/content/childhood-sexual-development) of body parts and sexual desire. It often starts in early childhood when children realize that touching their private parts feels good. During adolescence and beyond, sexual exploration can include masturbation or consensual partnered sexual activity.

Sexual exploration is a healthy part of human development. People engage in sexual exploration to explore their bodies, find out what sorts of touch result in sexual arousal (and what doesn't), and even to help figure out their sexual orientation and gender identity. 

However, if people experience shaming for touching their genitals or suffer sexual abuse, they may not feel comfortable with sexual exploration. Most sex education programs don't discuss sexual exploration beyond mentioning sexual attraction. The lack of education and a culture of silence surrounding sexuality can derail healthy sexual exploration. 

Sexual exploration should continue throughout your lifetime. Young adults may have different sexual needs than adolescents, which will keep changing as they age. Your sexual needs can vary based on your life stage, the fluidity of sexual orientation, or even illness or injury. Exploration is the way to keep up with your body. 

## What are the benefits of sexual exploration?

Not only can sexual exploration can help you answer the question "what are you into?" on a date, it can open up new worlds for you. People who [engage in sexual exploration](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/masturbating-is-important-even-when-youre-in-a-relationship/) know what they like and don't. Sexual exploration is the key to creating a sexual relationship (with yourself or with partners) that meets your needs and aligns with your values. 

Sexual exploration allows you to share your desires with a partner or use them to make your [solo sessions](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/solo-sex/) so satisfying you don't spend time looking for a partner. Exploration helps you learn how to identify sexual feelings, initiate sexual experiences, and discuss sexual preferences without shame.

## What is the difference between sexual exploration and sexual experimentation?

Sexual exploration involves approaching masturbation and shared sexual experiences with an air of curiosity. You're exploring bodies and sensations and trying to paint a picture of what a fulfilling sex life looks like for you. Sexual exploration makes your sexual health a vital piece of your well-being and helps you define and navigate sexual feelings and engage in appropriate decision-making during sexual interactions.

Experimenting is trying something out to see what happens. People often use sexual experimentation to describe behaviors deemed promiscuous or taboo. As long as the sexual experimentation or exploration you're engaging in is consensual, safe, and with age-appropriate partners, there is no such thing as promiscuity or taboo sexual behaviors. Sexual experimentation is sexual exploration. Explore or experiment how you wish and with whom you want to, whether that’s queer partners, [threesomes](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/threesome-positions), [non-monogamy](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/ethical-non-monogamy/), [light bondage](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/light-bondage/), [breath play](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/breath-play/), [pegging](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/what-is-pegging-anyway/), or something else. 

## How do people explore their sexuality?

Sexual fantasies, watching or listening to erotic stimuli, discussing and exploring sexual attraction, and even shared sexual experiences can be curiosity-driven activities designed to help you learn more about your body and your partner's body. 

### Masturbation

Sexual exploration often starts with masturbation and other self-touch. But don't worry if you've had sexual intercourse and never masturbated. It's never too late to start! 

Rather than rushing to orgasm, start slow and seduce yourself. Use candles, music, or other elements to set a scene that activates all your senses. Dance or explore your naked body in front of a mirror. Let the sight and feel of your body turn you on. Experiment with a [variety of erogenous zones](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/), different positions, types of touch, and [sex toys](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-toys-for-beginners/) to find out what you like. 

### Shared sexual experiences

You can explore your sexuality through consensual sexual experiences with someone you trust. Positive sexual encounters can help you figure out whether you enjoy giving and [receiving oral sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/oral-sex-positions/), have any interest in [anal sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/what-does-anal-feel-like/), prefer intercourse to other types of sex, or want sexual activity that doesn't include penetration. 

If you're engaging in [sexual exploration with a partner](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/role-play-ideas/) it's best to think of your experience as sexual play. This can be difficult to initiate, especially in a culture that focuses so heavily on heteronormative penis-in-vagina sex. But sex is supposed to be fun and playful, and partnered sexual exploration is an amazing way to keep that focus.

Try opening a conversation about sexual play with your partner by discussing something you're curious about. For example, "I heard about nipple play leading to orgasms for some people and want to try it. Tonight, can we grab some massage oil and try different types of nipple play?" Phrasing what you want as an invitation to explore, rather than a [denial of intercourse](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/navigating-mismatched-desire/), may help your partner more readily accept your invitation for sexual exploration.

### Sexual fantasy

Before you can build (or rebuild) the sex life you want, you can imagine it. Fantasizing is an ideal start to sexual exploration. Sexual fantasy can be particularly powerful for people questioning their sexual or gender identity.

Try [enjoying erotica](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-short-stories/) featuring same-sex and opposite-sex partners. Which one gets you going more? Maybe you'll discover a sexual interest in all genders! Enjoying a specific type of erotica doesn't mean you're gay or straight, but it can be a place to start exploring, especially if you've only been in romantic relationships with people of one gender. 

Sexual fantasy can also enrich your exploration with a partner. Try enjoying erotica together or sharing sexual fantasies using questions designed to get you talking about what you'd like to try. You may find out you share some sexual fantasies you've never discussed that take your sex life to the next level.

## Inspiration for your sexual exploration

Sexual exploration starts with curiosity about your body and the variety of sexual experiences available. Sexual exploration should be a regular part of your sexual health routine. Your sexual desires, preferences, and needs will change over time, and if you stop exploring, you may miss out on some incredible opportunities for pleasure. 

If you're looking for inspiration to begin another round of sexual exploration, try [listening to Secret Rooms](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/secret-rooms), where a single woman seeks sexual and professional inspiration in a BDSM club. 

Curious about group sex? Listen as [Cass seduces Elliot and Lola](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/casanova-v), and the three decide some sexual exploration is the perfect way to end their evening.

Imagine you're on a date with someone who’s captured your sexual interest. The conversation turned flirty a while ago, and both of you are riding the wave of that rush. Suddenly they lean in and whisper, "So, what are you into?"

Your heart races, and a rushing sound fills your ears. Your head swims with possible responses. What *am* I into? What sex stuff excites me? If you've never taken the time for sexual exploration, you may not have an answer that is true to your identity and honors your values about sexual behavior. 

When you're masturbating, it's essential to understand what your body likes and how your sexual arousal cycle works. When you enjoy sex with a partner, you want to communicate your desires. You need sexual exploration. Read on for some tips on sexual exploration and how it can improve your sex life. 

## What is sexual exploration?

Sexual exploration is the [age-appropriate exploration](https://ncsby.org/content/childhood-sexual-development) of body parts and sexual desire. It often starts in early childhood when children realize that touching their private parts feels good. During adolescence and beyond, sexual exploration can include masturbation or consensual partnered sexual activity.

Sexual exploration is a healthy part of human development. People engage in sexual exploration to explore their bodies, find out what sorts of touch result in sexual arousal (and what doesn't), and even to help figure out their sexual orientation and gender identity. 

However, if people experience shaming for touching their genitals or suffer sexual abuse, they may not feel comfortable with sexual exploration. Most sex education programs don't discuss sexual exploration beyond mentioning sexual attraction. The lack of education and a culture of silence surrounding sexuality can derail healthy sexual exploration. 

Sexual exploration should continue throughout your lifetime. Young adults may have different sexual needs than adolescents, which will keep changing as they age. Your sexual needs can vary based on your life stage, the fluidity of sexual orientation, or even illness or injury. Exploration is the way to keep up with your body. 

## What are the benefits of sexual exploration?

Not only can sexual exploration can help you answer the question "what are you into?" on a date, it can open up new worlds for you. People who [engage in sexual exploration](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/masturbating-is-important-even-when-youre-in-a-relationship/) know what they like and don't. Sexual exploration is the key to creating a sexual relationship (with yourself or with partners) that meets your needs and aligns with your values. 

Sexual exploration allows you to share your desires with a partner or use them to make your [solo sessions](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/solo-sex/) so satisfying you don't spend time looking for a partner. Exploration helps you learn how to identify sexual feelings, initiate sexual experiences, and discuss sexual preferences without shame.

## What is the difference between sexual exploration and sexual experimentation?

Sexual exploration involves approaching masturbation and shared sexual experiences with an air of curiosity. You're exploring bodies and sensations and trying to paint a picture of what a fulfilling sex life looks like for you. Sexual exploration makes your sexual health a vital piece of your well-being and helps you define and navigate sexual feelings and engage in appropriate decision-making during sexual interactions.

Experimenting is trying something out to see what happens. People often use sexual experimentation to describe behaviors deemed promiscuous or taboo. As long as the sexual experimentation or exploration you're engaging in is consensual, safe, and with age-appropriate partners, there is no such thing as promiscuity or taboo sexual behaviors. Sexual experimentation is sexual exploration. Explore or experiment how you wish and with whom you want to, whether that’s queer partners, [threesomes](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/threesome-positions), [non-monogamy](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/ethical-non-monogamy/), [light bondage](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/light-bondage/), [breath play](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/breath-play/), [pegging](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/what-is-pegging-anyway/), or something else. 

## How do people explore their sexuality?

Sexual fantasies, watching or listening to erotic stimuli, discussing and exploring sexual attraction, and even shared sexual experiences can be curiosity-driven activities designed to help you learn more about your body and your partner's body. 

### Masturbation

Sexual exploration often starts with masturbation and other self-touch. But don't worry if you've had sexual intercourse and never masturbated. It's never too late to start! 

Rather than rushing to orgasm, start slow and seduce yourself. Use candles, music, or other elements to set a scene that activates all your senses. Dance or explore your naked body in front of a mirror. Let the sight and feel of your body turn you on. Experiment with a [variety of erogenous zones](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/), different positions, types of touch, and [sex toys](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sex-toys-for-beginners/) to find out what you like. 

### Shared sexual experiences

You can explore your sexuality through consensual sexual experiences with someone you trust. Positive sexual encounters can help you figure out whether you enjoy giving and [receiving oral sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/oral-sex-positions/), have any interest in [anal sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/what-does-anal-feel-like/), prefer intercourse to other types of sex, or want sexual activity that doesn't include penetration. 

If you're engaging in [sexual exploration with a partner](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/role-play-ideas/) it's best to think of your experience as sexual play. This can be difficult to initiate, especially in a culture that focuses so heavily on heteronormative penis-in-vagina sex. But sex is supposed to be fun and playful, and partnered sexual exploration is an amazing way to keep that focus.

Try opening a conversation about sexual play with your partner by discussing something you're curious about. For example, "I heard about nipple play leading to orgasms for some people and want to try it. Tonight, can we grab some massage oil and try different types of nipple play?" Phrasing what you want as an invitation to explore, rather than a [denial of intercourse](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/navigating-mismatched-desire/), may help your partner more readily accept your invitation for sexual exploration.

### Sexual fantasy

Before you can build (or rebuild) the sex life you want, you can imagine it. Fantasizing is an ideal start to sexual exploration. Sexual fantasy can be particularly powerful for people questioning their sexual or gender identity.

Try [enjoying erotica](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-short-stories/) featuring same-sex and opposite-sex partners. Which one gets you going more? Maybe you'll discover a sexual interest in all genders! Enjoying a specific type of erotica doesn't mean you're gay or straight, but it can be a place to start exploring, especially if you've only been in romantic relationships with people of one gender. 

Sexual fantasy can also enrich your exploration with a partner. Try enjoying erotica together or sharing sexual fantasies using questions designed to get you talking about what you'd like to try. You may find out you share some sexual fantasies you've never discussed that take your sex life to the next level.

## Inspiration for your sexual exploration

Sexual exploration starts with curiosity about your body and the variety of sexual experiences available. Sexual exploration should be a regular part of your sexual health routine. Your sexual desires, preferences, and needs will change over time, and if you stop exploring, you may miss out on some incredible opportunities for pleasure. 

If you're looking for inspiration to begin another round of sexual exploration, try [listening to Secret Rooms](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/secret-rooms), where a single woman seeks sexual and professional inspiration in a BDSM club. 

Curious about group sex? Listen as [Cass seduces Elliot and Lola](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/casanova-v), and the three decide some sexual exploration is the perfect way to end their evening.

These exciting yet practical tips will help you safely pursue sexual exploration in a relationship, with casual partners, or solo. More orgasms coming your way!

Sexual exploration: How to experiment your way to more pleasure

Female-Exploration

Secret Rooms

casanova five

Casanova V

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to get turned on and then tucked in? That's what Dipsea is for.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=sexybedtimeblog"
  >
    Try Dipsea Free
  </a>
</div>

Curl up with the warm glow of your smartphone and get steamy with some hot bedtime short stories. Lovers of long-form romance novels, serial sagas, or sexy short stories know that you can get hot and bothered using all of your senses, not just your eyes. We’re here to celebrate pleasure in all forms and assist you with some sex-positive, inclusive [erotic short stories](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-short-stories/) to lose yourself in.

Reading and listening can awaken your imagination, allowing you to engage more deeply with the content of your desires and visualize exactly what you want to experience.

Listening to hot bedtime stories is also a fun way to find inspiration for enchanting your own love life, whether you're embroiled in a brand new steamy romance or happily involved in a [long-term relationship that could use a spark](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-get-in-the-mood) of creativity.

These stories will unblock access to greater pleasure with yourself and better connection with partners. Whether you're looking to unwind before bed with a sexy, calming bedtime story or get kinky with some explicit audio erotica, we have you covered.

Here's our lineup of our favorite hot bedtime short stories from the Dipsea vault. All of our stories are focused on female pleasure and consent, and they celebrate the wide spectrum of gender and sexuality, so there’s something for everyone.

## Sexy stories to arouse your senses

Our first list of faves are all about the erotic. Whether you're looking to listen alone or with a partner, these stories will tickle your senses while engaging your mind and body. Get to know the characters in the story, the dynamics that turn you on, and the [scenarios you may or may not want to act out someday](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sexual-fantasy-stories). 

### Hometown I

For 10 minutes and 29 seconds of heat, listen to [this reunion story](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/hometown-i/listen) between the storyteller Gia (she/her) and Jack (he/him), her high school friend's older brother that she’s always had a crush on. He drives an old truck with a big front seat, where they make some perfunctory small talk before getting hot and heavy for some [car sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/car-sex/) as the rain pours down outside. If you're into steamy stories with this hot duo, head over to the full series of [Hometown stories](https://app.dipseastories.com/series/hometown-series).

### Office Hours I

A [hot story of teacher and former student](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/office-hours/listen), experience the sexual tension between Taylor (former student) and Jennifer (teacher). This one is also the first in a series of stories between two sexy women. Are they falling in love or just in it for the fun and forbidden aspects of the teacher-student dynamic? Listen to the [whole series](https://app.dipseastories.com/series/office-hours-series) to find out.

### Mykonos 

If you're looking for a fairy tale threesome, [this series](https://app.dipseastories.com/series/mykonos-series) is the one for you. A Greek vacation, one woman, two men—Lena and Chris are best friends who are finding that maybe they're hotter for each other than they realized when a third hottie, Nick, joins the party. Two roommates on vacation explore voyeurism, jealousy, and the sexy magic that can happen when the lines between friends get blurry.

### Behind Closed Doors

For a rough and wild experience with [light BDSM](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/light-bondage), follow along with [Mateo and Jada](https://app.dipseastories.com/series/behind-closed-doors-series), two secret lovers who meet in a hotel room once a month to explore their kinkier sides. Jada, a high-powered career woman who's tired of making decisions, relinquishes control to Mateo, who loves to role-play and find just the right way to tease, torture, and seduce Jada—exactly like she likes.

## Hot bedtime short stories

Now that you've experienced the sexiest sides of the Dipsea app, you might be wanting to wind down and fall asleep to sensual Soundscapes or Sleep Overs. You can choose to listen to male voices or female voices as you drift off into sleep. The best part about this type of [bedtime story](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/bedtime-stories-for-adults) is that you don't have to stay awake until the end. Your narrator will be waiting for you when you're ready to start again.

### Charli's Ranch

Cozy up by the fire as Charli plays her guitar during a thunderstorm. This soundscape features rainfall, a cat purring, [Charli's relaxing voice](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/charlis-ranch), and the melody of her instrument. After she tells you about the day you've had together and where she'd like to bring you tomorrow, she instructs you to close your eyes, lie back, and drift off to sleep. On the app, you can choose the length of your soundscape—30, 45, or 60 minutes.

### Emmy's Massage Studio

Step into [Emmy's massage studio](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/emmys-massage-studio-sleep/listen) for a relaxing massage. This type of hot bedtime short story is about as close to a [sexy guided meditation](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-meditation/) as you can get. Featuring Emmy's ASMR voice telling you to relax as she soothes your muscles with lavender and breathes deeply alongside you, you'll be hard-pressed to stay awake until the end.  

### Ari's Garden

When you're in [Ari's garden](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/aris-garden-sleep), you're surrounded by the sounds and smells of nature. Birds are chirping, and the earth crunches under her feet. Ari has invited you to her favorite place for a nap, surrounded by her plants, feeling the heat of the setting sun on your skin as you doze off into sweet, relaxing sleep. She's making you a bouquet of flowers to enjoy, snipping, arranging, commenting quietly as she designs you the perfect gift.

### Theo's Beach House

While Theo prepares an amazing overnight brisket recipe to serve at your party the next day, he encourages you to [relax by the open window](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/theos-beach-house). You hear the waves crashing outside, the shore just a few hundred feet from your back door. Theo softly whispers to himself as he prepares the meal, but only after he's set you up with pillows and a blanket in his favorite spot to sleep.

## What's your favorite story?

Take a deep dive into the possibilities of the Dipsea app to explore some hot bedtime stories for yourself. They all feature a diversity of voices—male, female, nonbinary, Black, Latinx, Asian American Pacific Islander, and more—along with stories to fit all sexualities, gender identities, kinks, and turn-ons. 

There's something for everyone on Dipsea. Give the immersive audio experience a try by starting your [free 7-day trial](https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=sexybedtimeblog). When you sign up, you'll have the chance to personalize your experience based on who you are and what you're looking for. Have fun!

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Listen to these hot bedtime short stories to fall asleep quicker or get in the mood instantly. There’s something for every sexual fantasy on this list!

Cozy up & get turned on with 8 hot bedtime short stories

Get-Comfy

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to tap into your sexuality in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

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You may be thinking that the two words "erotic" and "meditation" don't go together. Isn't eroticism all about the body? All about the sensual? Well, meditation and mindfulness can be about the body too, and eroticism can certainly be about the mind. In fact, being present in your body, by being mindful of sensations happening in, on, and to your body, is a great way to intensify your erotic or sexual experience. 

Let's dive into what erotic meditation is, why you might want to try it, and how to get started.

## What is erotic meditation?

Put simply, erotic meditation is self-love 2.0. It's a meditation practice that involves slowing down and connecting with your body and the sensations it feels. Other names for erotic meditation include mindful sex, sex meditation, meditation masturbation, orgasmic meditation, and tantric masturbation. 

These terms all basically mean the same thing with the same goal: experiencing deeper, more sensual pleasure by forging a deeper connection to yourself and your body during sexual play. [Solo sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/solo-sex/) can be a form of erotic meditation if you can really slow down and draw out the experience to heighten all of your senses.

While the word masturbation is in one of the terms above, this practice can be performed during partnered sex as well. It's best to start out on your own to get used to the practice and become more in touch with how it works before bringing another person into the mix, especially if that other person is skeptical of the idea of erotic meditation. (Which is understandable if you don't know what it is!)

If you've heard the word "tantra" or "tantric sex" before and are wondering how those words fit into the mix when it comes to erotic meditation, we can clear that up for you. Tantra is a very old Indian spiritual practice, a way of meditating to weave the body, mind, and spirit together. 

In the context of sex, tantric sex is all about creating a full mind-body-spirit experience either with yourself or with your partner. The goal is not to rush to orgasm, but rather to experience and more deeply connect to you and/or your partner's sexual energy on a spiritual level. 

You do this by connecting to your breath, noticing sensations in your body, slowing down, taking each stimulus in, and responding mindfully. In fact, with tantric sex, you don't even necessarily have to touch your or your partner's genitals to experience physical, emotional, and spiritual stimulation.

If the whole "spirit" idea seems too inaccessible to you, that's OK. Just skip that idea and use the other words to describe this experience. Connecting the mind and body to the present moment will get you there with practice.

## Why should you try erotic meditation?

Interestingly enough, if you've ever thought about the reasons you might want to start a mindfulness meditation practice, they might overlap with why you might want to take it to the sheets. 

Have you ever sat down to focus on a big project for work or school only for your brain to immediately come up with 10 chores you absolutely have to do right now? That's your monkey mind at work. 

[Monkey mind](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201709/calming-the-monkey-mind) is the Buddhist term for a scattered, restless mind. Your monkey mind is easily distracted and stimulated, and it’s also self-absorbed, so turning off those instincts is a big challenge—it’s the challenge of meditation. If you've ever experienced this or tried meditation and found that you have racing thoughts and can't sit still, that's your monkey mind. 

Surprise surprise, your monkey mind can follow you into the bedroom too. Have you ever started getting hot and heavy with your partner only to realize that you didn't answer that email your boss sent you at 3 p.m., and now you can't stop thinking about it? Or maybe a super-annoying song is stuck in your head and you can't get it out to focus on what your partner is doing to try and pleasure you. 

The purpose of erotic meditation is to help you train away the monkey mind and deepen your self-pleasure, partnered pleasure, and overall connection to your own physical body. Of course, your monkey mind won't completely disappear, but the purpose of this practice is to take away its power and empower you instead. 

## How to start practicing erotic meditation

The purpose of all meditation is to hone focus. With mindful sex (and mindful meditation in general), when your monkey mind tries to interrupt what you're doing, you simply observe the thought you're having, notice it without judgment, allow it to pass through you, and refocus. As a beginner, you might be doing this once a minute. That's OK. It's called practice for a reason.

Using your breath is a great way to hone your focus. When an intruding thought comes to mind, breathe it in, acknowledge it without judgment, then release it with the exhale, and get back to focusing on what's in front of you in the present moment. 

Of course, this is a lot easier said than done. In no way do we mean to trivialize the difficulty of meditation. It's hard. But that's why there are tools to help guide you into this type of practice. Guided meditation is an incredibly popular way to take your first baby steps into the vast world of meditation, and that's true for erotic meditation and [guided touch](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/) too. You may also find that creating a [playlist of sensual or relaxing music](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/summer-bedroom-jams/), or going down the ASMR rabbit hole on YouTube, can help you tap into physical sensations you enjoy. 

As with solo sex, erotic meditation works best when you set the stage. In fact, if you're committed to trying this type of practice, it's a good idea to schedule time with yourself two to three times a week so that you have these moments carved out regularly for this practice. Start with five minutes, then push up to seven, and then 10. 

If you find that you're more energized and able to focus in the morning, schedule it first thing. If you find that another time of day works for your schedule, do it. There's no wrong way to make this happen, no reason to have a particular goal in mind (especially the big O). Just use the time to explore a deeper connection with yourself and your pleasure zones.

Part of setting the stage is figuring out what feels right for you. Perhaps it's dimming the lights and putting on meditation music. Maybe you'd rather listen to [erotic audio](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-short-stories/) or a sexy podcast story. Or you could go old school with an erotica paperback. 

Next, you can decide what (if anything) you want to wear. Do you want to start with a warm shower and burn incense or candles? Do you want to put on a silk robe or lay down in the buff? Possibly look at your naked body in the mirror as you begin stroking your arms and shoulders, lightly touch your own face, or give your nipples a gentle squeeze? 

If you prefer to use a [sex toy or vibrator](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-use-a-vibrator-tips-for-choosing-and-using-a-new-toy/), have that ready for when it's time to use it. You may also find that a vibrator is too stimulating for this type of activity and that you want to draw out the experience for longer than you're able when using it. This is all super personalized to you, so if you're not really sure what you like, try all of it until you find what works.

## Get some guided assistance with Dipsea

If getting started with a practice like this on your own sounds overwhelming, we have you covered. In fact, we have a few great guided experiences you can use to help ease you into it. [Mapping Pleasure](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/mapping-pleasure) talks you through exploring how your body desires touch in a 10-minute guided meditation. [Sensual Recentering](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/sensual-recentering) offers a guide through an exercise you can perform before or during sex to help yourself access deeper pleasure during sex.

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
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<div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/mapping-pleasure?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=eroticmeditationblog">
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    <p style="text-align: center;">Mapping Pleasure</p>
  </a>
</div>

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
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    <img src="//images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/67atTZr9nbdCEL9FHcehcc/6de06f0adfc3ecd589edfd1465604b99/500-72_Recentering_yourself.jpeg?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Sensual Recentering</p>
  </a>
</div>

</div>
</div>


You may be thinking that the two words "erotic" and "meditation" don't go together. Isn't eroticism all about the body? All about the sensual? Well, meditation and mindfulness can be about the body too, and eroticism can certainly be about the mind. In fact, being present in your body, by being mindful of sensations happening in, on, and to your body, is a great way to intensify your erotic or sexual experience. 

Let's dive into what erotic meditation is, why you might want to try it, and how to get started.

## What is erotic meditation?

Put simply, erotic meditation is self-love 2.0. It's a meditation practice that involves slowing down and connecting with your body and the sensations it feels. Other names for erotic meditation include mindful sex, sex meditation, meditation masturbation, orgasmic meditation, and tantric masturbation. 

These terms all basically mean the same thing with the same goal: experiencing deeper, more sensual pleasure by forging a deeper connection to yourself and your body during sexual play. [Solo sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/solo-sex/) can be a form of erotic meditation if you can really slow down and draw out the experience to heighten all of your senses.

While the word masturbation is in one of the terms above, this practice can be performed during partnered sex as well. It's best to start out on your own to get used to the practice and become more in touch with how it works before bringing another person into the mix, especially if that other person is skeptical of the idea of erotic meditation. (Which is understandable if you don't know what it is!)

If you've heard the word "tantra" or "tantric sex" before and are wondering how those words fit into the mix when it comes to erotic meditation, we can clear that up for you. Tantra is a very old Indian spiritual practice, a way of meditating to weave the body, mind, and spirit together. 

In the context of sex, tantric sex is all about creating a full mind-body-spirit experience either with yourself or with your partner. The goal is not to rush to orgasm, but rather to experience and more deeply connect to you and/or your partner's sexual energy on a spiritual level. 

You do this by connecting to your breath, noticing sensations in your body, slowing down, taking each stimulus in, and responding mindfully. In fact, with tantric sex, you don't even necessarily have to touch your or your partner's genitals to experience physical, emotional, and spiritual stimulation.

If the whole "spirit" idea seems too inaccessible to you, that's OK. Just skip that idea and use the other words to describe this experience. Connecting the mind and body to the present moment will get you there with practice.

## Why should you try erotic meditation?

Interestingly enough, if you've ever thought about the reasons you might want to start a mindfulness meditation practice, they might overlap with why you might want to take it to the sheets. 

Have you ever sat down to focus on a big project for work or school only for your brain to immediately come up with 10 chores you absolutely have to do right now? That's your monkey mind at work. 

[Monkey mind](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201709/calming-the-monkey-mind) is the Buddhist term for a scattered, restless mind. Your monkey mind is easily distracted and stimulated, and it’s also self-absorbed, so turning off those instincts is a big challenge—it’s the challenge of meditation. If you've ever experienced this or tried meditation and found that you have racing thoughts and can't sit still, that's your monkey mind. 

Surprise surprise, your monkey mind can follow you into the bedroom too. Have you ever started getting hot and heavy with your partner only to realize that you didn't answer that email your boss sent you at 3 p.m., and now you can't stop thinking about it? Or maybe a super-annoying song is stuck in your head and you can't get it out to focus on what your partner is doing to try and pleasure you. 

The purpose of erotic meditation is to help you train away the monkey mind and deepen your self-pleasure, partnered pleasure, and overall connection to your own physical body. Of course, your monkey mind won't completely disappear, but the purpose of this practice is to take away its power and empower you instead. 

## How to start practicing erotic meditation

The purpose of all meditation is to hone focus. With mindful sex (and mindful meditation in general), when your monkey mind tries to interrupt what you're doing, you simply observe the thought you're having, notice it without judgment, allow it to pass through you, and refocus. As a beginner, you might be doing this once a minute. That's OK. It's called practice for a reason.

Using your breath is a great way to hone your focus. When an intruding thought comes to mind, breathe it in, acknowledge it without judgment, then release it with the exhale, and get back to focusing on what's in front of you in the present moment. 

Of course, this is a lot easier said than done. In no way do we mean to trivialize the difficulty of meditation. It's hard. But that's why there are tools to help guide you into this type of practice. Guided meditation is an incredibly popular way to take your first baby steps into the vast world of meditation, and that's true for erotic meditation and [guided touch](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/) too. You may also find that creating a [playlist of sensual or relaxing music](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/summer-bedroom-jams/), or going down the ASMR rabbit hole on YouTube, can help you tap into physical sensations you enjoy. 

As with solo sex, erotic meditation works best when you set the stage. In fact, if you're committed to trying this type of practice, it's a good idea to schedule time with yourself two to three times a week so that you have these moments carved out regularly for this practice. Start with five minutes, then push up to seven, and then 10. 

If you find that you're more energized and able to focus in the morning, schedule it first thing. If you find that another time of day works for your schedule, do it. There's no wrong way to make this happen, no reason to have a particular goal in mind (especially the big O). Just use the time to explore a deeper connection with yourself and your pleasure zones.

Part of setting the stage is figuring out what feels right for you. Perhaps it's dimming the lights and putting on meditation music. Maybe you'd rather listen to [erotic audio](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-short-stories/) or a sexy podcast story. Or you could go old school with an erotica paperback. 

Next, you can decide what (if anything) you want to wear. Do you want to start with a warm shower and burn incense or candles? Do you want to put on a silk robe or lay down in the buff? Possibly look at your naked body in the mirror as you begin stroking your arms and shoulders, lightly touch your own face, or give your nipples a gentle squeeze? 

If you prefer to use a [sex toy or vibrator](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-use-a-vibrator-tips-for-choosing-and-using-a-new-toy/), have that ready for when it's time to use it. You may also find that a vibrator is too stimulating for this type of activity and that you want to draw out the experience for longer than you're able when using it. This is all super personalized to you, so if you're not really sure what you like, try all of it until you find what works.

## Get some guided assistance with Dipsea

If getting started with a practice like this on your own sounds overwhelming, we have you covered. In fact, we have a few great guided experiences you can use to help ease you into it. [Mapping Pleasure](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/mapping-pleasure) talks you through exploring how your body desires touch in a 10-minute guided meditation. [Sensual Recentering](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/sensual-recentering) offers a guide through an exercise you can perform before or during sex to help yourself access deeper pleasure during sex.


Want to have a deeper connection with yourself and your body? Dive into erotic meditation and learn how this practice can intensify your sexual experiences.

Mindfulness between the sheets: Erotic meditation 101

Erotic-Meditation

Ready to tap into your sexuality in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to tap into your sexuality in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

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If you're asking the question "How often do women masturbate?" the answer is (or should be!), "As often as they want to." An ever-important reminder is that there are no rules to the game of self-pleasure and masturbation, as long as you're enjoying yourself and it's not negatively impacting your life.

Unfortunately, due to societal stigmas that push cis women toward feelings of shame around masturbation and pleasure in general, it's not always the case that cis women (and vulva owners) feel free in this way. 

So let's talk about it. How often do women masturbate, on average? What's the gender masturbation gap all about? How can we close the gap? What are some health benefits to masturbating and self-pleasure?

* *Special note: We usually stick to non-gendered terms for vulva and penis owners, but this article will reference scientific research in which the subjects identify as male/female, men/women. In these cases, we are referring to cis-gendered participants. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of data on nonbinary, trans, or gender non-conforming masturbation habits.*

## How often do women masturbate?

How often women masturbate is highly personal with different answers for different age groups, cultures, and situational factors like stress levels. We know, for example, that [stress can kill (or at least seriously dampen) sex drive](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4199300/), and we also know that masturbation can alleviate stress and anxiety, so it's all a matter of how your own body works and responds to stressful stimuli and what you choose to do from there. 

While there's no universal "normal" for how often women masturbate in a week/month/year, it is *absolutely normal* for [women of all ages to masturbate](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/women-masturbating/). 

One study of Portuguese women showed that about [29 percent of women reported masturbating](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2011.628440?journalCode=usmt20) in the last month, while a second [study of American women](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5519052/) showed 40 percent of women respondents reporting the same. A German study found that a majority of the women surveyed said they [masturbated two to three times per week](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31155389/). Some women don't masturbate at all, which is ok too. Hopefully it's by choice and not a product of shame or guilt, which is worth addressing.

We know that younger women are more open to masturbating than older generations, and that [mutual masturbation](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/mutual-masturbation/) is exceedingly common among partners, whether in person or via technology like video chat or sexting. We also know that relationship status sometimes changes how often women masturbate—but not always—and that masturbation and having body awareness can [improve partnered sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/masturbating-is-important-even-when-youre-in-a-relationship/). 

## What is the masturbation gap?

As you'd probably assume, research shows that cis men report masturbating more often than cis women, and more men masturbate in general than women. This is what we mean by the "gender gap." Specifically, Indiana University's [National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior](https://nationalsexstudy.indiana.edu/) (NSSHB)—which has surveyed over 20,000 people between the ages of 14 and 102—showed that women of all ages fall between 10 and 15 percentage points behind men when it comes to frequency of self-pleasure sessions.

FiveThirtyEight cited a 2009 NSSHB [report that surveyed 5,865 Americans](https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/dear-mona-i-masturbate-more-than-once-a-day-am-i-normal/) between ages 14 and 94 to provide the following numbers. When asked about masturbation frequency, 13.5 percent of men in their 30s reported masturbating more than four times per week and only 1.5 percent of women. That's a big gap.

## Why the gap?

As you might be guessing, societal norms and expectations for cis women play a big role in the masturbation gap. Women are trained at an early age to defer to men when it comes to sexual pleasure, and even deny or feel embarrassed about their own. While this isn't universally true among all cultures in the world, it's true in most (if not all) Western cultures, particularly American culture. Although these norms are slowly changing as younger generations renounce sexual shaming and become more vocal about sexual satisfaction, self-love, self-acceptance, and sex in general, the numbers are in—there's still a lot of work to do in this area.

The more we normalize masturbation across genders in formal sex education and in society at large, the more likely we'll be to erase the stigma and taboo around female self-pleasure and sexual pleasure in general. Understanding the mental health benefits of masturbation is a great place to start removing shame and stigma from the equation.

## What are the benefits of masturbation?

Masturbation is actually good for your physical and mental health and wellness. It's a normal, natural component to sexual health and self-discovery as well, and (again) can really help improve your experiences with partnered sexual activity. One study even showed that [married women who masturbate](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01614576.1991.11074029) report greater marital happiness than those who don't. 

For starters, orgasming releases oxytocin, a feel-good hormone that floods your brain when you're in love, ecstatically happy, pregnant or nursing, and petting your dog or cat. It can also [relieve menstrual cramps](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/teens/sex/masturbation/masturbation-good-you), a big bonus if you're particularly prone to those. 

Masturbation can also offer temporary relief from anxiety and stress by [releasing endorphins](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320265#health-benefits-of-masturbation), and it can also help improve sleep quality. It's a great way to relieve tension after a long day, and it's a wonderful tool to accommodate mismatched sex drives in a relationship. 

## What if you have trouble climaxing?

If you've been having trouble reaching orgasm, you're not alone. Consider some of these [tips to reach your first solo orgasm](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-make-yourself-cum/). Importantly, masturbation and self-touch can be the end itself—your solo sesh doesn’t have to end in orgasm every time, so start by taking that pressure off the table. The act of self-touch/self-soothing/self-love can release endorphins and other feel-good chemicals, even if you don’t climax. 

## Looking for ways to enhance your masturbation?

Let's normalize masturbation and the accoutrements that can go with it (vibrators, dildos, lubrication, sex pillows, whatever floats your boat). Your clitoris is your new best friend! Make a date with yourself, your favorite sex toy, and some [sexy stories from the Dipsea vault](https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=homepage&utm_campaign=homepage_button_topright).

If you're more experienced and looking to take your sex life to new heights by learning how to have [multiple orgasms](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/multiple-orgasms/), we have you covered. If you're looking for something new to try to extend pleasure for longer, learn [how to use edging](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/edging/). This skill is valuable with a partner and for solo play. 

Honestly, the sky's the limit, so have fun with it. Your body and mind will thank you.

## There's no "normal"

If you came across this article because you were wondering if you touch yourself too much or if your masturbation habits are "normal," then take comfort in the fact that there's no real "normal" in this area. Again, there are no rules to self-pleasure as long as what you're doing isn't harming your life or others around you. 

Masturbation is an important component to women's health and well-being, and understanding your body will help improve your ability to pleasure yourself and enjoy partnered sex. It might also help you get some ZZZs.

If you're looking for some erotic inspiration to get started, check out these guided sessions! 

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
  <a
    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
    href="https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=howoftenblog"
  >
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<div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/series/self-touch-male-narrator-series?utm_source=web&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=howoftenblog">
    <img src="////images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/6t8WfeHVplrAyi7cccPNzj/90a840545859b211dbe09451cf74f19e/500-352_Self_Touch_Gabby-fs8.png?h=250" />
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</div>

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    <p style="text-align: center;">Mix It Up</p>
  </a>
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</div>
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If you're asking the question "How often do women masturbate?" the answer is (or should be!), "As often as they want to." An ever-important reminder is that there are no rules to the game of self-pleasure and masturbation, as long as you're enjoying yourself and it's not negatively impacting your life.

Unfortunately, due to societal stigmas that push cis women toward feelings of shame around masturbation and pleasure in general, it's not always the case that cis women (and vulva owners) feel free in this way. 

So let's talk about it. How often do women masturbate, on average? What's the gender masturbation gap all about? How can we close the gap? What are some health benefits to masturbating and self-pleasure?

* *Special note: We usually stick to non-gendered terms for vulva and penis owners, but this article will reference scientific research in which the subjects identify as male/female, men/women. In these cases, we are referring to cis-gendered participants. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of data on nonbinary, trans, or gender non-conforming masturbation habits.*

## How often do women masturbate?

How often women masturbate is highly personal with different answers for different age groups, cultures, and situational factors like stress levels. We know, for example, that [stress can kill (or at least seriously dampen) sex drive](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4199300/), and we also know that masturbation can alleviate stress and anxiety, so it's all a matter of how your own body works and responds to stressful stimuli and what you choose to do from there. 

While there's no universal "normal" for how often women masturbate in a week/month/year, it is *absolutely normal* for [women of all ages to masturbate](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/women-masturbating/). 

One study of Portuguese women showed that about [29 percent of women reported masturbating](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2011.628440?journalCode=usmt20) in the last month, while a second [study of American women](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5519052/) showed 40 percent of women respondents reporting the same. A German study found that a majority of the women surveyed said they [masturbated two to three times per week](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31155389/). Some women don't masturbate at all, which is ok too. Hopefully it's by choice and not a product of shame or guilt, which is worth addressing.

We know that younger women are more open to masturbating than older generations, and that [mutual masturbation](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/mutual-masturbation/) is exceedingly common among partners, whether in person or via technology like video chat or sexting. We also know that relationship status sometimes changes how often women masturbate—but not always—and that masturbation and having body awareness can [improve partnered sex](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/masturbating-is-important-even-when-youre-in-a-relationship/). 

## What is the masturbation gap?

As you'd probably assume, research shows that cis men report masturbating more often than cis women, and more men masturbate in general than women. This is what we mean by the "gender gap." Specifically, Indiana University's [National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior](https://nationalsexstudy.indiana.edu/) (NSSHB)—which has surveyed over 20,000 people between the ages of 14 and 102—showed that women of all ages fall between 10 and 15 percentage points behind men when it comes to frequency of self-pleasure sessions.

FiveThirtyEight cited a 2009 NSSHB [report that surveyed 5,865 Americans](https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/dear-mona-i-masturbate-more-than-once-a-day-am-i-normal/) between ages 14 and 94 to provide the following numbers. When asked about masturbation frequency, 13.5 percent of men in their 30s reported masturbating more than four times per week and only 1.5 percent of women. That's a big gap.

## Why the gap?

As you might be guessing, societal norms and expectations for cis women play a big role in the masturbation gap. Women are trained at an early age to defer to men when it comes to sexual pleasure, and even deny or feel embarrassed about their own. While this isn't universally true among all cultures in the world, it's true in most (if not all) Western cultures, particularly American culture. Although these norms are slowly changing as younger generations renounce sexual shaming and become more vocal about sexual satisfaction, self-love, self-acceptance, and sex in general, the numbers are in—there's still a lot of work to do in this area.

The more we normalize masturbation across genders in formal sex education and in society at large, the more likely we'll be to erase the stigma and taboo around female self-pleasure and sexual pleasure in general. Understanding the mental health benefits of masturbation is a great place to start removing shame and stigma from the equation.


## What are the benefits of masturbation?

Masturbation is actually good for your physical and mental health and wellness. It's a normal, natural component to sexual health and self-discovery as well, and (again) can really help improve your experiences with partnered sexual activity. One study even showed that [married women who masturbate](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01614576.1991.11074029) report greater marital happiness than those who don't. 

For starters, orgasming releases oxytocin, a feel-good hormone that floods your brain when you're in love, ecstatically happy, pregnant or nursing, and petting your dog or cat. It can also [relieve menstrual cramps](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/teens/sex/masturbation/masturbation-good-you), a big bonus if you're particularly prone to those. 

Masturbation can also offer temporary relief from anxiety and stress by [releasing endorphins](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320265#health-benefits-of-masturbation), and it can also help improve sleep quality. It's a great way to relieve tension after a long day, and it's a wonderful tool to accommodate mismatched sex drives in a relationship. 

## What if you have trouble climaxing?

If you've been having trouble reaching orgasm, you're not alone. Consider some of these [tips to reach your first solo orgasm](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-make-yourself-cum/). Importantly, masturbation and self-touch can be the end itself—your solo sesh doesn’t have to end in orgasm every time, so start by taking that pressure off the table. The act of self-touch/self-soothing/self-love can release endorphins and other feel-good chemicals, even if you don’t climax. 

## Looking for ways to enhance your masturbation?

Let's normalize masturbation and the accoutrements that can go with it (vibrators, dildos, lubrication, sex pillows, whatever floats your boat). Your clitoris is your new best friend! Make a date with yourself, your favorite sex toy, and some [sexy stories from the Dipsea vault](https://app.dipseastories.com/?utm_source=web&utm_medium=homepage&utm_campaign=homepage_button_topright).

If you're more experienced and looking to take your sex life to new heights by learning how to have [multiple orgasms](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/multiple-orgasms/), we have you covered. If you're looking for something new to try to extend pleasure for longer, learn [how to use edging](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/edging/). This skill is valuable with a partner and for solo play. 

Honestly, the sky's the limit, so have fun with it. Your body and mind will thank you.

## There's no "normal"

If you came across this article because you were wondering if you touch yourself too much or if your masturbation habits are "normal," then take comfort in the fact that there's no real "normal" in this area. Again, there are no rules to self-pleasure as long as what you're doing isn't harming your life or others around you. 

Masturbation is an important component to women's health and well-being, and understanding your body will help improve your ability to pleasure yourself and enjoy partnered sex. It might also help you get some ZZZs.

If you're looking for some erotic inspiration to get started, check out the guided sessions above! 

You might wonder, "How often do women masturbate?" but it can depend largely on the person. If you've got more questions about female masturbation, read on.

How often do women masturbate and other FAQs

How-Often-Masterbate

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to connect with yourself in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

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Think about the last time you had an orgasm. After climax, your body relaxed into the bed (or couch, or wall). Your breathing slowed, and your mind was quiet. Maybe you drifted off to sleep. But what if, instead of chasing that orgasm, you could use your burst of sexual energy to reach personal, creative, or professional goals? That's the idea behind sexual transmutation. 

Orgasms flood our bodies with endorphins, and our energy and motivation decrease. That's great if your goal is to get a good night's sleep, but what if you could harness your desire for an orgasm into making progress on writing that essay or finishing that painting you’ve been working on? The principle of sexual transmutation says that’s entirely possible.

Those who espouse the benefits of sexual transmutation claim it can help channel sexual energy toward your goals, lead to an accumulation of riches, and improve health and wellness. If you're curious about how sexual transmutation might help you achieve some of your goals or boost your energy in other areas, we're here to help. We've developed this guide to sex energy transmutation to help you define sexual transmutation for yourself and integrate it into your life as you wish. 

## What is sexual transmutation? 

Sexual transmutation involves taking your sexual energy and transforming it into another form of energy with the goal of increasing success. Rather than deny sexual desire, sexual transmutation asks you to acknowledge it, harness it, and use it to enrich your creative, economic, or personal endeavors. 

Sexual energy originates in our [root and sacral chakras](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-91/The-7-Chakras-for-Beginners.html) and is part of our natural life force. It fuels all other body areas thanks to a spiraling highway of energy called kundalini. Kundalini connects your chakras from root to crown. Sexual transmutation dictates that if you use all of your sexual energy for physical, sexual acts, you will have less energy flowing through the rest of your life. 

Some proponents of sexual transmutation argue that you have to refrain from sexual activity to achieve the state of mind necessary for success. In contrast, others say that sexual expression is essential to unlocking your spiritual energy. 

The idea of sexual transmutation as a pathway to material success is often credited to Napoleon Hill, who included an entire chapter on sexual transmutation as the key to success in “Think and Grow Rich.” The book was written in 1937, and the chapter focuses on men as the beneficiaries of sexual transmutation. 

The argument for sexual transmutation is that the relaxation we experience after sex reduces our drive for creative and personal success. People who practice sexual transmutation use willpower to shift their mental focus from the physical expression of sexual energy to other thoughts.

Since we know that people of all genders possess sexual energy and are capable of success (obviously), let’s look at some other sources for more information about the conversion of sex energy. 

Ancient cultures recognized that sexual desire is the basis for all life and energy. Sexual energy practices from [Taoist traditions propose](https://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/taoism/practices/sex.shtml) that while orgasm is depleting for men, it has the opposite effect for women who experience greater energy after orgasm. 

Tantra, an ancient Hindu practice, posits that harnessing sexual energy can connect you with the divine and transform you to a higher level of being.

## What are the benefits of sex transmutation? 

While the goal of sexual transmutation is an increase in creative energy, it can also improve your overall well-being. Successful people who engage in sexual transmutation say that it can improve your: 

- Physical energy and motivation
- Mental clarity
- Physical health
- Self-awareness and ability to reflect
- Confidence
- Creativity and problem-solving ability
- Spiritual connection and connection to your body

You may read this and eagerly jump on a 30-day celibacy journey to see if sexual transmutation helps you harness your energy for use in other ways. Or, you may think the idea of abstaining from sexual activity to fuel your personal or professional development sounds like as much fun as a root canal. Let’s explore further!

## Does sexual energy transmutation mean I have to be celibate? 

Some people who practice sexual transmutation are celibate, but it certainly isn't a requirement. Transmutation is about embracing and using your sex drive, not denying it. 

If sexual transmutation sounds like something you want to try, consider starting with a seven-day break from sexual activity to see how you feel. You may need to engage in meditation practices to refocus your mind on your goal when sexual urges arise (because they will). If you feel happier and have more energy after seven days, abstaining (even for brief periods) might be the right way to use sexual transmutation in your life. 

For some people, abstaining from sexual contact entirely causes them to feel edgy, irritated, or down. If you experience negative emotions after seven days of abstinence, a gentler form of sexual transmutation might be beneficial. Rather than abstaining from sexual activity, try using it to send energy toward your goals. 

Let's say your goal is to finish writing a book. When you feel a buildup of sexual energy inside you, visualize finishing your book and set an intention [before masturbating](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/solo-sex/). As you climax, bring that goal into focus again. You can, of course, do this during partnered sex too, but you may want to tell your partner ahead of time in case you shout "finish that book!" as you orgasm. 

Others find [tantric sex or edging](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/edging/) to be a better way to transmute sexual energy. Rather than abstain from sexual activity, you masturbate or engage in partnered sexual activities right up to the edge of orgasm but without going over. Without the release of orgasm, dopamine doesn’t take over your brain, and you may have the energy to do a workout instead of taking a post-coital nap. 

Some people [practice NoFap](https://nofap.com/about/), or complete abstinence from porn and masturbation as a form of sexual transmutation. They may still engage in partnered sex activities. The NoFap movement is somewhat controversial since some support groups use shaming to persuade people that masturbation is unhealthy for them. As long as people make healthy choices without shame and guilt, we're happy for them to channel their sexuality however they wish. 

## What is the link between sexual energy and creative energy? 

Creative energy is the stuff that fuels our world's most incredible advancements. It's the energy that allows entrepreneurs to create new companies, inventors to solve the world’s problems in new ways, and artists to create work that moves us. 

To convert your sexual energy to creative energy, you first have to become aware of sexual energy flowing into your body. Meditation or exercise can help you get in tune with your body so you can recognize sex energy.

If you want to practice recognizing when sexual energy flows through your body, it may help to listen to some erotic audio to get yourself going. Then, instead of grabbing your favorite toy and enjoying a self-pleasure session, close your eyes and focus on the sensations as sexual energy moves through your body. Are your palms warm? Does your breathing change? Is your mind clear or cluttered?

When you feel the flow of sexual energy, don't rush toward physical release. Instead, identify your creative goal. It may help to write down your goal or create a visual display of it. Then, you can visualize your goal using all of your senses. Imagine yourself achieving that goal, and pay attention to the positive emotions that flood your mind. Once you’ve visualized your goal, it’s time to get to work. 

## Stir up sexual energy anytime you want a mental boost

The bodily sensations sexual energy causes will differ for everyone, so paying attention to what happens in your body is essential. If you'd like some help igniting some sexual energy, try listening to Harmony, a story of two women experiencing the flow of [creative and sexual energy](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/harmony). 

If you need more inspiration, try [the Upstate series](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/upstate-ii) where Caleb and Leah get swept up in a romance they never expected. Then, you can choose to harness that energy and use it to crush your goals or enjoy the physical expression of your sexuality. It's up to you how you use and enjoy your sexual energy!

Think about the last time you had an orgasm. After climax, your body relaxed into the bed (or couch, or wall). Your breathing slowed, and your mind was quiet. Maybe you drifted off to sleep. But what if, instead of chasing that orgasm, you could use your burst of sexual energy to reach personal, creative, or professional goals? That's the idea behind sexual transmutation. 

Orgasms flood our bodies with endorphins, and our energy and motivation decrease. That's great if your goal is to get a good night's sleep, but what if you could harness your desire for an orgasm into making progress on writing that essay or finishing that painting you’ve been working on? The principle of sexual transmutation says that’s entirely possible.

Those who espouse the benefits of sexual transmutation claim it can help channel sexual energy toward your goals, lead to an accumulation of riches, and improve health and wellness. If you're curious about how sexual transmutation might help you achieve some of your goals or boost your energy in other areas, we're here to help. We've developed this guide to sex energy transmutation to help you define sexual transmutation for yourself and integrate it into your life as you wish. 

## What is sexual transmutation? 

Sexual transmutation involves taking your sexual energy and transforming it into another form of energy with the goal of increasing success. Rather than deny sexual desire, sexual transmutation asks you to acknowledge it, harness it, and use it to enrich your creative, economic, or personal endeavors. 

Sexual energy originates in our [root and sacral chakras](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-91/The-7-Chakras-for-Beginners.html) and is part of our natural life force. It fuels all other body areas thanks to a spiraling highway of energy called kundalini. Kundalini connects your chakras from root to crown. Sexual transmutation dictates that if you use all of your sexual energy for physical, sexual acts, you will have less energy flowing through the rest of your life. 

Some proponents of sexual transmutation argue that you have to refrain from sexual activity to achieve the state of mind necessary for success. In contrast, others say that sexual expression is essential to unlocking your spiritual energy. 

The idea of sexual transmutation as a pathway to material success is often credited to Napoleon Hill, who included an entire chapter on sexual transmutation as the key to success in “Think and Grow Rich.” The book was written in 1937, and the chapter focuses on men as the beneficiaries of sexual transmutation. 

The argument for sexual transmutation is that the relaxation we experience after sex reduces our drive for creative and personal success. People who practice sexual transmutation use willpower to shift their mental focus from the physical expression of sexual energy to other thoughts.

Since we know that people of all genders possess sexual energy and are capable of success (obviously), let’s look at some other sources for more information about the conversion of sex energy. 

Ancient cultures recognized that sexual desire is the basis for all life and energy. Sexual energy practices from [Taoist traditions propose](https://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/taoism/practices/sex.shtml) that while orgasm is depleting for men, it has the opposite effect for women who experience greater energy after orgasm. 

Tantra, an ancient Hindu practice, posits that harnessing sexual energy can connect you with the divine and transform you to a higher level of being.

## What are the benefits of sex transmutation? 

While the goal of sexual transmutation is an increase in creative energy, it can also improve your overall well-being. Successful people who engage in sexual transmutation say that it can improve your: 

- Physical energy and motivation
- Mental clarity
- Physical health
- Self-awareness and ability to reflect
- Confidence
- Creativity and problem-solving ability
- Spiritual connection and connection to your body

You may read this and eagerly jump on a 30-day celibacy journey to see if sexual transmutation helps you harness your energy for use in other ways. Or, you may think the idea of abstaining from sexual activity to fuel your personal or professional development sounds like as much fun as a root canal. Let’s explore further!

## Does sexual energy transmutation mean I have to be celibate? 

Some people who practice sexual transmutation are celibate, but it certainly isn't a requirement. Transmutation is about embracing and using your sex drive, not denying it. 

If sexual transmutation sounds like something you want to try, consider starting with a seven-day break from sexual activity to see how you feel. You may need to engage in meditation practices to refocus your mind on your goal when sexual urges arise (because they will). If you feel happier and have more energy after seven days, abstaining (even for brief periods) might be the right way to use sexual transmutation in your life. 

For some people, abstaining from sexual contact entirely causes them to feel edgy, irritated, or down. If you experience negative emotions after seven days of abstinence, a gentler form of sexual transmutation might be beneficial. Rather than abstaining from sexual activity, try using it to send energy toward your goals. 

Let's say your goal is to finish writing a book. When you feel a buildup of sexual energy inside you, visualize finishing your book and set an intention [before masturbating](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/solo-sex/). As you climax, bring that goal into focus again. You can, of course, do this during partnered sex too, but you may want to tell your partner ahead of time in case you shout "finish that book!" as you orgasm. 

Others find [tantric sex or edging](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/edging/) to be a better way to transmute sexual energy. Rather than abstain from sexual activity, you masturbate or engage in partnered sexual activities right up to the edge of orgasm but without going over. Without the release of orgasm, dopamine doesn’t take over your brain, and you may have the energy to do a workout instead of taking a post-coital nap. 

Some people [practice NoFap](https://nofap.com/about/), or complete abstinence from porn and masturbation as a form of sexual transmutation. They may still engage in partnered sex activities. The NoFap movement is somewhat controversial since some support groups use shaming to persuade people that masturbation is unhealthy for them. As long as people make healthy choices without shame and guilt, we're happy for them to channel their sexuality however they wish. 

## What is the link between sexual energy and creative energy? 

Creative energy is the stuff that fuels our world's most incredible advancements. It's the energy that allows entrepreneurs to create new companies, inventors to solve the world’s problems in new ways, and artists to create work that moves us. 

To convert your sexual energy to creative energy, you first have to become aware of sexual energy flowing into your body. Meditation or exercise can help you get in tune with your body so you can recognize sex energy.

If you want to practice recognizing when sexual energy flows through your body, it may help to listen to some erotic audio to get yourself going. Then, instead of grabbing your favorite toy and enjoying a self-pleasure session, close your eyes and focus on the sensations as sexual energy moves through your body. Are your palms warm? Does your breathing change? Is your mind clear or cluttered?

When you feel the flow of sexual energy, don't rush toward physical release. Instead, identify your creative goal. It may help to write down your goal or create a visual display of it. Then, you can visualize your goal using all of your senses. Imagine yourself achieving that goal, and pay attention to the positive emotions that flood your mind. Once you’ve visualized your goal, it’s time to get to work. 

## Stir up sexual energy anytime you want a mental boost

The bodily sensations sexual energy causes will differ for everyone, so paying attention to what happens in your body is essential. If you'd like some help igniting some sexual energy, try listening to Harmony, a story of two women experiencing the flow of [creative and sexual energy](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/harmony). 

If you need more inspiration, try [the Upstate series](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/upstate-ii) where Caleb and Leah get swept up in a romance they never expected. Then, you can choose to harness that energy and use it to crush your goals or enjoy the physical expression of your sexuality. It's up to you how you use and enjoy your sexual energy!

Get information on what sexual transmutation is and learn some different ways to work it into your sexual routine (it doesn’t always mean celibacy!).

How to use sexual transmutation to reach creative goals faster

Transmutation

upstate

Upstate I

harmony

Harmony

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to connect with yourself in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

<div class="blog-cta-centered">
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    class="blog-cta-purple-pill"
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If your favorite thing about being partnered up is the hugging, kissing, and cuddling that comes along with romantic love, then it's likely that physical touch is your love language. In other words, your way of saying and hearing “I love you” is through physical touch. 

Knowing this about yourself (or your partner) is incredibly useful when it comes to building confidence, intimacy, and security in a romantic relationship. It's also pretty useful to know the love languages of friends or family, as it can help you avoid conflict, manage expectations, and find better ways to communicate with each other. 

When it comes to navigating preferences for how to interact with your loved one(s), much is made of Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages.” In fact, the concept of love languages has resonated with so many people that he's written an [entire catalog of books](https://www.5lovelanguages.com/store) about the various relationship scenarios you may find yourself in—being in the military or a long-distance relationship, blended families, workplace scenarios, parents and children, etc. 

We'll go into the meaning and usefulness of knowing your love language and focus on what it means if you or your partner identify physical touch as a top love language. 

## “The 5 Love Languages”: Breaking it down

In “The 5 Love Languages,” Dr. Gary Chapman breaks down expressing love into five categories. The idea behind this is to help you and your partner identify your primary love languages in order to improve communication and [better empathize with each other](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-be-more-empathetic/). 

You and your partner's love languages don't have to match for you to be compatible partners (although it's a nice bonus). And if you have different love languages, it's really helpful to "speak their language" to show them that you care. 

The five love languages are: 

- __Physical touch__ — hugging, touching as you pass in the hall
- __Quality time__ — giving (or receiving) your (or your partner's) undivided attention when doing something together
- __Words of affirmation__ — saying (or hearing) "I love you," offering (or desiring) words of encouragement, or giving (or receiving) compliments
- __Acts of service__ — going out of your way to do a task for your partner (and/or vice versa)
- __Giving/receiving gifts__ — using gifts to let your partner (or you) know you're (or they're) thinking about them (or you) and love them (or you)

Knowing your partner’s love language doesn't mean you shouldn't show love in a way that comes naturally to you. If your partner loves physical touch, that doesn’t mean they hate getting gifts. It just means that you could really hone in on what's most meaningful to your partner when you're trying to send a message of love and support. And of course, the same goes for them and the way they "speak love" to you. 

You might read the above list and think, "I like all of these, is my love language all of them?" Surely we all appreciate everything on the list, but Chapman asserts that it's likely at least some are more important to you than others. If you spend time thinking about which things your partner does that mean the most to you, one “language” might stand out above the rest. You might also think about it in the reverse: What love language would you miss the most if your partner stopped offering that to you?

Chapman also points out that a person might have one primary love language for how they like to give love, which may or may not match up with how they like to receive it. For example, you might be naturally inclined to show love to your significant other by picking up a souvenir for them when you travel or surprising them with their favorite candy just because—gift-giving is the most meaningful way for you to express love for your partner. But receiving gifts is less exciting to you, and it would mean a lot more if they clean up after dinner and bring you a glass of wine unprompted. (That one is an act of service.) Make sense?

## The physical touch love language

If physical touch is your love language, it means that you're most assured and feel the most love when you're in physical contact with your partner. This doesn't necessarily mean sex, although it can. Sex is a healthy part of partnerships, but it's not quite the indicator we're looking for when it comes to communicating that you care about someone day to day. That type of communication doesn't have to be sexual at all. 

Like we said at the beginning, love languages are useful in all sorts of relationships, even non-romantic ones, so sex isn't the best metric to use. Plus, reasons for wanting to have sex can be varied (like de-stressing or trying for a child). It can be different from expressing deep, intimate love and connection (like casual sex). 

So, while sex is important, it's not going to be at the center of our conversation about the physical touch love language. Rather, it's one of many physical expressions of love to explore when your love language is physical touch.

Examples of using the physical touch love language include: 

- A back rub
- Holding hands
- A relaxing cuddle on the couch
- Kissing
- Sitting close enough to make physical contact
- Sex
- A nice snuggle in bed
- A pat on the shoulder or butt
- A gentle caress on the arm or leg
- Massage
- A squeeze of the knee
- Tickling 

You get the idea. Some of what we've listed can and might [lead to sex some of the time](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/), but again, doing any of the above doesn't mean that sex is the next logical step. Some of these are also pretty wonderful as [aftercare](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-with-aftercare/) after sex to wind down and increase intimacy (especially if physical touch is your number one!). It's also possible that some of these ways of touching sound amazing to you and others sound unappealing. 

## How do I know if my love language is physical touch?

If you're wondering whether you or your partner's "native tongue" is the physical touch love language, ask yourself a few questions:

- Do you love public displays of affection? 
- Do you feel closest to your partner when you're physically touching them? 
- Do you want to hold hands while taking a stroll in the park? 
- Do you look forward to cuddling on the couch at the end of a long day (more so than eating dinner together or telling each other how much you love each other)? 
- Do you believe that physical affection is the highest form of intimacy? 
- Do you find yourself reaching out to touch your partner for no reason throughout the day? 
- Do you feel seen when you get a pat on the shoulder or bum? 
- Does a kiss on the top of the head make you feel loved? 

If you answered yes to all or at least most of those questions, it's likely that physical touch is at the top of your love language list. Of course, the love language of physical touch can be expressed differently for different couples. 

It's definitely possible that you answered no to the PDA question but yes to all the others, for example. Some folks enjoy being lightly tickled, while others want to scream and run out of the room, even if they love other forms of touch. Having open communication about your love language and the details of how you prefer to express and receive that type of attention is just as important as communicating the details of any other aspect of your relationship. 

## Touching is good for your health

If you or your spouse's love language is physical touch, we have some more good news for you. There's a ton of research that shows how healthy it is to enjoy touch from someone you love. We know that [touching](https://www.dignityhealth.org/articles/facts-about-touch-how-human-contact-affects-your-health-and-relationships#:~:text=Hugging%20and%20other%20forms%20of,such%20as%20cortisol%20and%20norepinephrine.) (whether it's the sexy kind or not) can create a surge of serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin into your bloodstream. The first two are feel-good, stress-relieving hormones, while the third is known as the "bonding hormone."

Touch reinforces all these wonderful feelings of lightness and happiness you already knew you were having while flooding your brain with hormones that make you feel even more bonded to the person you're touching. Something as simple as holding hands will do the trick, and may even help with [pain reduction during childbirth](https://journals.lww.com/pain/Abstract/2019/09000/Brain_mechanisms_of_social_touch_induced_analgesia.17.aspx). Pretty profound, right? 

## Fill your love tank with physical touch

Now that you know all the ins and outs of the physical touch love language, where does it fall on your own list? What about your partner? What will you do to show your partner how much you love and care about them through physical touch?

All the love languages play a role in your life in some form or another, even if they come out in relationships other than the ones with your romantic partners. But when it comes to best understanding how you and your partner can develop a love that lasts, effective communication and the use of your primary love languages is an invaluable tool. If you're not sure which love language most speaks to you, head over to [Dipsea to find your self-love language](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/self-love-languages/listen).

If your favorite thing about being partnered up is the hugging, kissing, and cuddling that comes along with romantic love, then it's likely that physical touch is your love language. In other words, your way of saying and hearing “I love you” is through physical touch. 

Knowing this about yourself (or your partner) is incredibly useful when it comes to building confidence, intimacy, and security in a romantic relationship. It's also pretty useful to know the love languages of friends or family, as it can help you avoid conflict, manage expectations, and find better ways to communicate with each other. 

When it comes to navigating preferences for how to interact with your loved one(s), much is made of Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages.” In fact, the concept of love languages has resonated with so many people that he's written an [entire catalog of books](https://www.5lovelanguages.com/store) about the various relationship scenarios you may find yourself in—being in the military or a long-distance relationship, blended families, workplace scenarios, parents and children, etc. 

We'll go into the meaning and usefulness of knowing your love language and focus on what it means if you or your partner identify physical touch as a top love language. 

## “The 5 Love Languages”: Breaking it down

In “The 5 Love Languages,” Dr. Gary Chapman breaks down expressing love into five categories. The idea behind this is to help you and your partner identify your primary love languages in order to improve communication and [better empathize with each other](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/how-to-be-more-empathetic/). 

You and your partner's love languages don't have to match for you to be compatible partners (although it's a nice bonus). And if you have different love languages, it's really helpful to "speak their language" to show them that you care. 

The five love languages are: 

- __Physical touch__ — hugging, touching as you pass in the hall
- __Quality time__ — giving (or receiving) your (or your partner's) undivided attention when doing something together
- __Words of affirmation__ — saying (or hearing) "I love you," offering (or desiring) words of encouragement, or giving (or receiving) compliments
- __Acts of service__ — going out of your way to do a task for your partner (and/or vice versa)
- __Giving/receiving gifts__ — using gifts to let your partner (or you) know you're (or they're) thinking about them (or you) and love them (or you)

Knowing your partner’s love language doesn't mean you shouldn't show love in a way that comes naturally to you. If your partner loves physical touch, that doesn’t mean they hate getting gifts. It just means that you could really hone in on what's most meaningful to your partner when you're trying to send a message of love and support. And of course, the same goes for them and the way they "speak love" to you. 

You might read the above list and think, "I like all of these, is my love language all of them?" Surely we all appreciate everything on the list, but Chapman asserts that it's likely at least some are more important to you than others. If you spend time thinking about which things your partner does that mean the most to you, one “language” might stand out above the rest. You might also think about it in the reverse: What love language would you miss the most if your partner stopped offering that to you?

Chapman also points out that a person might have one primary love language for how they like to give love, which may or may not match up with how they like to receive it. For example, you might be naturally inclined to show love to your significant other by picking up a souvenir for them when you travel or surprising them with their favorite candy just because—gift-giving is the most meaningful way for you to express love for your partner. But receiving gifts is less exciting to you, and it would mean a lot more if they clean up after dinner and bring you a glass of wine unprompted. (That one is an act of service.) Make sense?

## The physical touch love language

If physical touch is your love language, it means that you're most assured and feel the most love when you're in physical contact with your partner. This doesn't necessarily mean sex, although it can. Sex is a healthy part of partnerships, but it's not quite the indicator we're looking for when it comes to communicating that you care about someone day to day. That type of communication doesn't have to be sexual at all. 

Like we said at the beginning, love languages are useful in all sorts of relationships, even non-romantic ones, so sex isn't the best metric to use. Plus, reasons for wanting to have sex can be varied (like de-stressing or trying for a child). It can be different from expressing deep, intimate love and connection (like casual sex). 

So, while sex is important, it's not going to be at the center of our conversation about the physical touch love language. Rather, it's one of many physical expressions of love to explore when your love language is physical touch.


Examples of using the physical touch love language include: 

- A back rub
- Holding hands
- A relaxing cuddle on the couch
- Kissing
- Sitting close enough to make physical contact
- Sex
- A nice snuggle in bed
- A pat on the shoulder or butt
- A gentle caress on the arm or leg
- Massage
- A squeeze of the knee
- Tickling 

You get the idea. Some of what we've listed can and might [lead to sex some of the time](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erogenous-zones/), but again, doing any of the above doesn't mean that sex is the next logical step. Some of these are also pretty wonderful as [aftercare](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-with-aftercare/) after sex to wind down and increase intimacy (especially if physical touch is your number one!). It's also possible that some of these ways of touching sound amazing to you and others sound unappealing. 

## How do I know if my love language is physical touch?

If you're wondering whether you or your partner's "native tongue" is the physical touch love language, ask yourself a few questions:

- Do you love public displays of affection? 
- Do you feel closest to your partner when you're physically touching them? 
- Do you want to hold hands while taking a stroll in the park? 
- Do you look forward to cuddling on the couch at the end of a long day (more so than eating dinner together or telling each other how much you love each other)? 
- Do you believe that physical affection is the highest form of intimacy? 
- Do you find yourself reaching out to touch your partner for no reason throughout the day? 
- Do you feel seen when you get a pat on the shoulder or bum? 
- Does a kiss on the top of the head make you feel loved? 

If you answered yes to all or at least most of those questions, it's likely that physical touch is at the top of your love language list. Of course, the love language of physical touch can be expressed differently for different couples. 

It's definitely possible that you answered no to the PDA question but yes to all the others, for example. Some folks enjoy being lightly tickled, while others want to scream and run out of the room, even if they love other forms of touch. Having open communication about your love language and the details of how you prefer to express and receive that type of attention is just as important as communicating the details of any other aspect of your relationship. 

## Touching is good for your health

If you or your spouse's love language is physical touch, we have some more good news for you. There's a ton of research that shows how healthy it is to enjoy touch from someone you love. We know that [touching](https://www.dignityhealth.org/articles/facts-about-touch-how-human-contact-affects-your-health-and-relationships#:~:text=Hugging%20and%20other%20forms%20of,such%20as%20cortisol%20and%20norepinephrine.) (whether it's the sexy kind or not) can create a surge of serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin into your bloodstream. The first two are feel-good, stress-relieving hormones, while the third is known as the "bonding hormone."

Touch reinforces all these wonderful feelings of lightness and happiness you already knew you were having while flooding your brain with hormones that make you feel even more bonded to the person you're touching. Something as simple as holding hands will do the trick, and may even help with [pain reduction during childbirth](https://journals.lww.com/pain/Abstract/2019/09000/Brain_mechanisms_of_social_touch_induced_analgesia.17.aspx). Pretty profound, right? 

## Fill your love tank with physical touch

Now that you know all the ins and outs of the physical touch love language, where does it fall on your own list? What about your partner? What will you do to show your partner how much you love and care about them through physical touch?

All the love languages play a role in your life in some form or another, even if they come out in relationships other than the ones with your romantic partners. But when it comes to best understanding how you and your partner can develop a love that lasts, effective communication and the use of your primary love languages is an invaluable tool. If you're not sure which love language most speaks to you, head over to [Dipsea to find your self-love language](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/self-love-languages/listen).

This guide to the physical touch love language will help you determine if this is the way you best express or receive love in all types of relationships.

Physical touch love language 101: How to know if it’s yours

Physical-Touch (1)

Self Love Language

Ready to connect with yourself in a whole new way? Dipsea has you covered.

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Ready to start a new bedtime routine? Dipsea has you covered.</p>

<p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Dipsea is an app for Sexy Stories, Sleep Scenes, and Wellness Sessions designed to turn you on and then tuck you in. You can download Dipsea from the App Store, Google Play Store, or online at app.dipseastories.com.</p>

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Are you having trouble falling asleep at night? Sometimes it's just so hard to turn your brain off, especially if your schedule is packed or you have someone next to you moving around or snoring. Getting a good night's sleep is important for your mental and physical health, your mood, and your ability to be effective in your day-to-day life. So, what's the best solution to getting those hard-to-catch ZZZs? 

Sleeping aids can have all kinds of potential side effects, and they might leave you feeling groggy in the morning, and mindlessly scrolling on your phone trying to tire yourself out is likely just keeping you up longer. What if a simple bedtime story could help you wind down and fall asleep just like it did when you were a kid? Bedtime stories for adults are very much a thing. By tapping into relaxing sleep stories geared toward adults, you can calm your mind and your body, unwind and fall asleep fast. 

## Sleeplessness, stress, and self-healing

Insomnia can be frustrating, disorienting, and in some cases, even dangerous. The National Sleep Foundation says that [driving while tired is more dangerous than driving while tipsy](https://www.sleepfoundation.org/drowsy-driving/drowsy-driving-vs-drunk-driving) (but, obviously, don’t do either). Kind of makes you want to think twice about a morning commute after a terrible night's sleep, doesn't it?

If you struggle with sleep, you're not alone with this problem. Not by a long shot. Whether it's full-blown zero-sleep insomnia, trouble falling asleep, trouble staying asleep, snoring, sleep apnea, or something else, over [70 million Americans](https://www.sleephealth.org/sleep-health/the-state-of-sleephealth-in-america/) report having some sort of sleep disorder. That's a staggering statistic. 

Getting to the root of your sleep troubles can be one solution to fixing them, but sometimes you can't simply eliminate the stressful parts of life that keep you up at night. You just have to find a way to set them aside so you can get to the business of sleeping. Everyone knows that a problem is better tackled after a good night's sleep, right? 

By adding bedtime stories, relaxing sounds/soundscapes, sleep meditations, or even sexy stories to your bedtime routine, you could be taking a huge step toward healing your relationship with sleep. 

## Fairy tales and sweet dreams

You might be thinking that bedtime stories for adults are just like the fairy tales of your childhood. But while fairy tales have magic and twists and turns, these [short stories geared toward adults](https://app.dipseastories.com/categories/bedtime-stories-category) are often more calming, helping you turn your brain off rather than on. 

The voice actors reading bedtime stories for adults speak softly, quietly, sometimes even close to a whisper. They tell you about long walks through the woods and gently engage your senses by describing the crunch of leaves under their feet or the sound of rain against a window. 

Audio stories (rather than written) often include those sounds (the rain, the leaves, the waves, the birds, the frogs) to help lull you into a deep, relaxing sleep. These sounds can help produce an [autonomous sensory meridian response](https://peerj.com/articles/851/?source=post_page---------------------------) (ASMR) in your brain, which triggers a sense of well-being and relaxation.

Good sleep hygiene prescribes not watching, reading, or listening to anything exciting, scary, or suspenseful right before bed. In fact, if you're particularly sensitive to stimuli, you might not want something that's plot-driven at all. That's because we have a tendency to get enthralled with the entertainment we're consuming and then stay up even later than we would have without the show or book. 

So for grown-ups, bedtime stories for better sleep are less about a magic frog and more about the forest that frog lives in and the soundscape it produces. 

## Relief, release, and relax

Sometimes the road to a good night's sleep is less about a relaxing story and more about releasing tension after a long day. Anxious or stressed-out adults often turn to a physical release like an orgasm in order to clear their minds for sleep. That's where erotic audiobooks or an app like [Dipsea](https://app.dipseastories.com/categories/fan-favorites-category) comes in. Short stories that turn you on can be a quick tool to help you masturbate and get the release you need before sleep time. 

An added bonus: Listening, rather than watching, will help you avoid the counterproductivity of [staring at a screen before bed](https://health.clevelandclinic.org/put-the-phone-away-3-reasons-why-looking-at-it-before-bed-is-a-bad-habit/), which can excite the senses and keep you awake longer. Simply find the story you want and turn your phone screen-side down to listen to your favorite sexy bedtime stories. And if your phone has a nighttime setting that takes the blue light out of your phone, be sure to put that setting on too. 

## Meditation and mindfulness

A guided meditation at bedtime can also be an excellent style of bedtime story for adults trying to sleep well. Developing a consistent meditation practice is hard, admittedly, but guided meditations can help you get into the habit of meditating every day. In some cases, meditation during the daylight hours can provide the stress relief you need to hit the hay more easily on your own. 

That's because meditation—especially mindfulness meditation—trains your brain to observe your thoughts and allow them to pass through you without judgment or added burden. Imagine laying in bed looking up at the ceiling on a particularly difficult night. Have you ever experienced a train of thought like this?

*"I have to go grocery shopping. I should make a list. Should I just get up and make the list now? I forgot the pickles last time, can’t forget this time. Also, the oil in the car was supposed to get changed last week. Maybe I could do that on my lunch break on Thursday. Oh shoot, that meeting got moved to Thursday. I shouldn't be thinking about this before bed. Now I'm mad that I'm still awake. Now I'm wide awake because I'm mad. Uuugggghhhh."* 

Doesn't just reading that make your skin crawl? Mindfulness meditation is just like exercise training for your brain. When you treat your brain like a muscle that requires practice to be strong and sharp, you give yourself the tools to interrupt those thoughts and return to center. That simple practice of returning to center, once honed into a skill, can be just what you need to help you break the cycle of anxious thoughts before bed—and do it without judgment or negative feelings toward your own thoughts and tendencies. 

Guided meditations can include [breathing exercises](https://app.dipseastories.com/series/breathing-deeply-series), sleep-inducing stories, body scan work, techniques to relieve anxiety or release regrets, or even more advanced techniques like self-hypnosis for deep sleep. 

## Bedtime stories for adults

Sleeping is so vital for your physical and mental health, and too many Americans don't get enough sleep. By tapping into tools you can download to your smartphone, like ASMR-focused bedtime stories, sexy short stories, and guided meditation, you can empower yourself to get a better night's sleep. 

Try the [Sleep Scenes on Dipsea](https://app.dipseastories.com/sleep) to get started. You can start a free trial for access to immersive Sleep Overs where characters tuck you in and stay nearby, tranquil tours of dreamy destinations, and soothing Soundscapes to lull you to sleep.

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<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

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    <p style="text-align: center;">Sleep Overs</p>
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</div>
</div>

<br /><br />


Are you having trouble falling asleep at night? Sometimes it's just so hard to turn your brain off, especially if your schedule is packed or you have someone next to you moving around or snoring. Getting a good night's sleep is important for your mental and physical health, your mood, and your ability to be effective in your day-to-day life. So, what's the best solution to getting those hard-to-catch ZZZs? 

Sleeping aids can have all kinds of potential side effects, and they might leave you feeling groggy in the morning, and mindlessly scrolling on your phone trying to tire yourself out is likely just keeping you up longer. What if a simple bedtime story could help you wind down and fall asleep just like it did when you were a kid? Bedtime stories for adults are very much a thing. By tapping into relaxing sleep stories geared toward adults, you can calm your mind and your body, unwind and fall asleep fast. 

## Sleeplessness, stress, and self-healing

Insomnia can be frustrating, disorienting, and in some cases, even dangerous. The National Sleep Foundation says that [driving while tired is more dangerous than driving while tipsy](https://www.sleepfoundation.org/drowsy-driving/drowsy-driving-vs-drunk-driving) (but, obviously, don’t do either). Kind of makes you want to think twice about a morning commute after a terrible night's sleep, doesn't it?

If you struggle with sleep, you're not alone with this problem. Not by a long shot. Whether it's full-blown zero-sleep insomnia, trouble falling asleep, trouble staying asleep, snoring, sleep apnea, or something else, over [70 million Americans](https://www.sleephealth.org/sleep-health/the-state-of-sleephealth-in-america/) report having some sort of sleep disorder. That's a staggering statistic. 

Getting to the root of your sleep troubles can be one solution to fixing them, but sometimes you can't simply eliminate the stressful parts of life that keep you up at night. You just have to find a way to set them aside so you can get to the business of sleeping. Everyone knows that a problem is better tackled after a good night's sleep, right? 

By adding bedtime stories, relaxing sounds/soundscapes, sleep meditations, or even sexy stories to your bedtime routine, you could be taking a huge step toward healing your relationship with sleep. 

## Fairy tales and sweet dreams

You might be thinking that bedtime stories for adults are just like the fairy tales of your childhood. But while fairy tales have magic and twists and turns, these [short stories geared toward adults](https://app.dipseastories.com/categories/bedtime-stories-category) are often more calming, helping you turn your brain off rather than on. 

The voice actors reading bedtime stories for adults speak softly, quietly, sometimes even close to a whisper. They tell you about long walks through the woods and gently engage your senses by describing the crunch of leaves under their feet or the sound of rain against a window. 

Audio stories (rather than written) often include those sounds (the rain, the leaves, the waves, the birds, the frogs) to help lull you into a deep, relaxing sleep. These sounds can help produce an [autonomous sensory meridian response](https://peerj.com/articles/851/?source=post_page---------------------------) (ASMR) in your brain, which triggers a sense of well-being and relaxation.

Good sleep hygiene prescribes not watching, reading, or listening to anything exciting, scary, or suspenseful right before bed. In fact, if you're particularly sensitive to stimuli, you might not want something that's plot-driven at all. That's because we have a tendency to get enthralled with the entertainment we're consuming and then stay up even later than we would have without the show or book. 

So for grown-ups, bedtime stories for better sleep are less about a magic frog and more about the forest that frog lives in and the soundscape it produces. 

## Relief, release, and relax

Sometimes the road to a good night's sleep is less about a relaxing story and more about releasing tension after a long day. Anxious or stressed-out adults often turn to a physical release like an orgasm in order to clear their minds for sleep. That's where erotic audiobooks or an app like [Dipsea](https://app.dipseastories.com/categories/fan-favorites-category) comes in. Short stories that turn you on can be a quick tool to help you masturbate and get the release you need before sleep time. 

An added bonus: Listening, rather than watching, will help you avoid the counterproductivity of [staring at a screen before bed](https://health.clevelandclinic.org/put-the-phone-away-3-reasons-why-looking-at-it-before-bed-is-a-bad-habit/), which can excite the senses and keep you awake longer. Simply find the story you want and turn your phone screen-side down to listen to your favorite sexy bedtime stories. And if your phone has a nighttime setting that takes the blue light out of your phone, be sure to put that setting on too. 

## Meditation and mindfulness

A guided meditation at bedtime can also be an excellent style of bedtime story for adults trying to sleep well. Developing a consistent meditation practice is hard, admittedly, but guided meditations can help you get into the habit of meditating every day. In some cases, meditation during the daylight hours can provide the stress relief you need to hit the hay more easily on your own. 

That's because meditation—especially mindfulness meditation—trains your brain to observe your thoughts and allow them to pass through you without judgment or added burden. Imagine laying in bed looking up at the ceiling on a particularly difficult night. Have you ever experienced a train of thought like this?

*"I have to go grocery shopping. I should make a list. Should I just get up and make the list now? I forgot the pickles last time, can’t forget this time. Also, the oil in the car was supposed to get changed last week. Maybe I could do that on my lunch break on Thursday. Oh shoot, that meeting got moved to Thursday. I shouldn't be thinking about this before bed. Now I'm mad that I'm still awake. Now I'm wide awake because I'm mad. Uuugggghhhh."* 

Doesn't just reading that make your skin crawl? Mindfulness meditation is just like exercise training for your brain. When you treat your brain like a muscle that requires practice to be strong and sharp, you give yourself the tools to interrupt those thoughts and return to center. That simple practice of returning to center, once honed into a skill, can be just what you need to help you break the cycle of anxious thoughts before bed—and do it without judgment or negative feelings toward your own thoughts and tendencies. 

Guided meditations can include [breathing exercises](https://app.dipseastories.com/series/breathing-deeply-series), sleep-inducing stories, body scan work, techniques to relieve anxiety or release regrets, or even more advanced techniques like self-hypnosis for deep sleep. 

## Bedtime stories for adults

Sleeping is so vital for your physical and mental health, and too many Americans don't get enough sleep. By tapping into tools you can download to your smartphone, like ASMR-focused bedtime stories, sexy short stories, and guided meditation, you can empower yourself to get a better night's sleep. 

Try the [Sleep Scenes on Dipsea](https://app.dipseastories.com/sleep) to get started. You can start a free trial for access to immersive Sleep Overs where characters tuck you in and stay nearby, tranquil tours of dreamy destinations, and soothing Soundscapes to lull you to sleep.

Maybe you’ve tried meditation before bed, but it’s just not helping. These soothing (and sometimes sexy) bedtime stories for adults will actually relax you.

Trouble falling asleep? Try bedtime stories for adults

Bedtime-Stories-for-Adults

Ready to start a new bedtime routine? Dipsea has you covered.

When it comes to the conversation about women masturbating, reactions vary depending on the audience. Some women will talk freely about their favorite vibrator, while others are less comfortable talking about their self-pleasure routines. 

Society has done an excellent job of conditioning women to believe that masturbation isn't a normal part of female sexual development. Perhaps you’ve heard the (incorrect) messaging that women aren't sexual creatures in the same way men are? Yeah, we hate that message. And it comes at us from all angles, starting at a young age.  

Most formal sex education focuses on procreation, even though most of the sex we have is for pleasure. Women often have to search elsewhere to learn about sexual arousal, masturbation tips, and female orgasms. And maybe some women never felt empowered to search at all, until now. 

While stories and jokes about male masturbation are plentiful, female masturbation is largely undiscussed. Many women grow up hearing reasons they shouldn’t masturbate, but they’re all untrue. Women should be masturbating! In an effort to normalize that sentiment, let's start by calling out some myths about female masturbation and set the record straight.

## Myth 1: You shouldn’t need to masturbate if you’re in a relationship

Your sexual relationship with other people is not in competition with your sexual relationship with yourself. [Masturbating when you're in a relationship](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/masturbating-is-important-even-when-youre-in-a-relationship/) isn't just okay—it's encouraged. If all the health benefits of masturbation (we’ll explain below) aren't enough reason for you to explore your erogenous zones solo, self-love can serve a variety of needs, like being an answer to [mismatched libidos](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/navigating-mismatched-desire/). 

Throughout a long-term relationship, sexual desire will wax and wane for all partners due to stress, health, and other factors. Allowing each person in a relationship the freedom to enjoy self-pleasure will only serve to strengthen your relationship. 

## Myth 2: Women don’t have strong sexual urges like men do

Dipsea exists to help women access their sexuality easily and on their own terms, so we obviously don't believe this outdated belief about female sexual urges. The truth is that no one gender owns sexual desire. People enjoy sex, and that includes masturbation. 

The amount of sex a person wants or needs varies throughout their lifetime. There will be times when every day isn't enough and when every week is almost too much. This variability exists for everyone, not just women. And it’s important to remember that there are [multiple kinds of desire](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/women-sex-drive/) and that experiencing one vs. the other doesn’t make your desire any less valid.

## Myth 3: Too much masturbation can make sex less enjoyable

Did you read the study about how a vibrator that's too powerful or a dildo that's too big will cause a woman to lose sensation in her genitals? Neither did we. It's not a thing! No amount of masturbation will take away the sensation and enjoyment of partnered sex. 

What’s more, masturbation can help you identify your erogenous zones so you can enjoy partnered sex even more. Finding out whether you like g-spot or clitoral stimulation better will empower you to enjoy more frequent orgasms. You can even share the best path to your orgasm with your partners (if you wish), which will make sex more enjoyable for everyone involved. 

## Myth 4: Female sexuality exists for the pleasure of other people

The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings. What more proof do you need that female sexuality exists for the pleasure of the clitoris owner? 

Society tells women that they shouldn't want or seek sexual encounters but should look and act sexy (but not too sexy). This messaging makes it seem as if female sexuality exists for the enjoyment of other people. 

Your desires, urges, arousal, and orgasms exist for your enjoyment, and so do your skin, your curves, and your lingerie collection. You can share them if you wish, or not, it’s up to you.

## Myth 5: Maturbating can cause women to be promiscuous

While it's true that the more orgasms you have, the more you'll (probably) want, this statement about female masturbation has no merit. This myth assumes promiscuity is wrong when the term promiscuous simply means [having multiple sexual partners.](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/promiscuous) There is no moral attachment to the word or definition. 

So, maybe masturbating will help you be more comfortable with your sexuality, and you’ll share your sex life with more partners. Perhaps it will help you and a current partner solve a libido mismatch, or maybe it will just be fun for you. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying pleasure and having more sex with more people.

## Truth: Women masturbating is normal

More than half of [women report masturbating](https://kinseyinstitute.org/research/faq.php) regularly, and those numbers may be even larger. Women likely underreport masturbation because of societal messaging that says women have lower sex drives than men, which can easily cause women to feel shame about their solo sexual activity. 

Taking time for a bit of self-love is a normal part of life regardless of your gender. You may masturbate more or less often than your friends and partners. Your masturbation habits, like your sex drive, can ebb and flow during your life. 

Women masturbate for a variety of reasons, including [pleasure and stress relief.](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31155389/) For some women [masturbating is an intentional event](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/female-self-pleasure-rituals/) involving scented candles and lingerie, and for others, it's part of a nightly routine before falling asleep. 

Above all, masturbation is normal in any amount and style that works for you.

## Truth: Masturbation is beneficial for your health

Sure, a solo sesh feels good, but taking time to masturbate is good for your health too. The [rush of chemicals](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6409294/) such as oxytocin and prolactin after sexual activity is responsible for boosting more than just your sexual health. The [side effects of masturbating](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sex-pleasure-and-sexual-dysfunction/masturbation/masturbation-healthy) are improved sleep, better mental health, pain reduction, and improved immunity.

For many people, masturbating before bed aids in relaxation and promotes healthy sleep. [Many women report improved sleep](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6409294/) even if they don't masturbate to orgasm. 

If masturbating results in an orgasm (or five), you'll be treated to a dopamine rush which improves your overall sense of well-being and is good for your mental health. Masturbating can also help [relieve period cramps](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/teens/sex/masturbation/masturbation-good-you) and headaches because the chemicals released help reduce pain.

Masturbation can also help [boost your immune system](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/316954#reducing-prostate-cancer-risk) by boosting the antibodies that live in the linings of your nose, mouth, and vaginal tissue. 

Again, you don’t need a *reason* to masturbate, but if you were looking for one, those are pretty good!

## Truth: When women masturbate they improve their sex lives

Erotic self-touch is a normal part of sexual development, and continuing to masturbate when you're an adult is essential because as our bodies change, the types of touch we enjoy will as well. Pleasure does not have an age limit or expiration date. 

Masturbation helps women determine whether they want internal or external stimulation and which sex toys and lube are the most enjoyable. There are multiple ways for women to orgasm, and experimenting with clitoral and g-spot stimulation during solo-play can help you unlock your orgasmic potential. 

Women who masturbate are more comfortable with their bodies and [have a more positive self-image](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/1107656). Touching your body in ways that feel good will remind you that you have a right to pleasure and that your body is a gift. That boost of confidence will enhance any partnered sex you choose to have.

Mutual masturbation can add intimacy to your partnered sex life. Showing your partner which parts of your body are erogenous zones and watching each other touch yourselves can be intense foreplay. It's also a great way to introduce sex toys to your relationship. 

Masturbating can help you explore sexual fantasies safely and without committing to something like a threesome before you're ready. Imagining sexual scenarios or [listening to erotic audio](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-short-stories/) can help you decide if you want to make a particular fantasy a reality.

Masturbation allows women to take their sexual satisfaction into their own hands (or vibrators) and can empower them to say no to unhealthy or unsatisfying sexual relationships. If your self-love game is on point, someone’s offer of lousy sex is much less appealing. When you know the sort of pleasure your body is capable of experiencing, you won't settle for partnered sex that isn't at least as good as the sex you have with yourself. 

## Masturbation is genderless

Societal messaging about female sexuality tells us that masturbation is an innate part of male sexuality but is abnormal for women. The truth is that masturbating is a normal part of sexual development regardless of gender. 

Masturbation can improve your overall health, boost your self-esteem, and improve your experience during both solo and partnered sexual activity. Even with all of those benefits, the fact that it feels good is reason enough to seduce yourself.

Many women report feeling shy about masturbation or having trouble figuring out where to start. For women who masturbate regularly, exploring [various masturbation techniques](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/female-masturbation-orgasm/) and positions can provide a more intense and satisfying experience. 

To help you figure out how to masturbate or explore a greater variety of self-love routines, Dipsea offers mesmerizing [guided self-touch audio](https://app.dipseastories.com/series/self-touch-male-narrator-series). Lay back and relax while our narrators guide you to try something a bit different so that you can keep your self-pleasure sessions tantalizingly fresh.

<div style="max-width: 41.25em; margin: 0 auto">
<div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row">

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 10px 0 0">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/self-touch-glow-up-male-narrator">
    <img src="//images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/4oVMdK0wDlf27I6Zets56q/445f2fd0478b9c15249d5048c5fcaefc/500-354_GlowUp_Male__Gabby-fs8.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Glow Up</p>
  </a>
</div>

<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0 0 0 10px">
  <a target="_blank" href="https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/self-touch-mix-it-up">
    <img src="//images.contentful.com/03of3q5qzesq/6PMwrJ468z9vTOBesN4CjY/626ba2a368c4fd1ac7b05661a2a33bae/500-370_SelfTouch_Gabby-fs8.png?h=250" />
    <p style="text-align: center;">Mix It Up</p>
  </a>
</div>

</div>
</div>

<br /><br />


When it comes to the conversation about women masturbating, reactions vary depending on the audience. Some women will talk freely about their favorite vibrator, while others are less comfortable talking about their self-pleasure routines. 

Society has done an excellent job of conditioning women to believe that masturbation isn't a normal part of female sexual development. Perhaps you’ve heard the (incorrect) messaging that women aren't sexual creatures in the same way men are? Yeah, we hate that message. And it comes at us from all angles, starting at a young age.  

Most formal sex education focuses on procreation, even though most of the sex we have is for pleasure. Women often have to search elsewhere to learn about sexual arousal, masturbation tips, and female orgasms. And maybe some women never felt empowered to search at all, until now. 

While stories and jokes about male masturbation are plentiful, female masturbation is largely undiscussed. Many women grow up hearing reasons they shouldn’t masturbate, but they’re all untrue. Women should be masturbating! In an effort to normalize that sentiment, let's start by calling out some myths about female masturbation and set the record straight.

## Myth 1: You shouldn’t need to masturbate if you’re in a relationship

Your sexual relationship with other people is not in competition with your sexual relationship with yourself. [Masturbating when you're in a relationship](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/masturbating-is-important-even-when-youre-in-a-relationship/) isn't just okay—it's encouraged. If all the health benefits of masturbation (we’ll explain below) aren't enough reason for you to explore your erogenous zones solo, self-love can serve a variety of needs, like being an answer to [mismatched libidos](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/navigating-mismatched-desire/). 

Throughout a long-term relationship, sexual desire will wax and wane for all partners due to stress, health, and other factors. Allowing each person in a relationship the freedom to enjoy self-pleasure will only serve to strengthen your relationship. 

## Myth 2: Women don’t have strong sexual urges like men do

Dipsea exists to help women access their sexuality easily and on their own terms, so we obviously don't believe this outdated belief about female sexual urges. The truth is that no one gender owns sexual desire. People enjoy sex, and that includes masturbation. 

The amount of sex a person wants or needs varies throughout their lifetime. There will be times when every day isn't enough and when every week is almost too much. This variability exists for everyone, not just women. And it’s important to remember that there are [multiple kinds of desire](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/women-sex-drive/) and that experiencing one vs. the other doesn’t make your desire any less valid.

## Myth 3: Too much masturbation can make sex less enjoyable

Did you read the study about how a vibrator that's too powerful or a dildo that's too big will cause a woman to lose sensation in her genitals? Neither did we. It's not a thing! No amount of masturbation will take away the sensation and enjoyment of partnered sex. 

What’s more, masturbation can help you identify your erogenous zones so you can enjoy partnered sex even more. Finding out whether you like g-spot or clitoral stimulation better will empower you to enjoy more frequent orgasms. You can even share the best path to your orgasm with your partners (if you wish), which will make sex more enjoyable for everyone involved. 

## Myth 4: Female sexuality exists for the pleasure of other people

The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings. What more proof do you need that female sexuality exists for the pleasure of the clitoris owner? 

Society tells women that they shouldn't want or seek sexual encounters but should look and act sexy (but not too sexy). This messaging makes it seem as if female sexuality exists for the enjoyment of other people. 

Your desires, urges, arousal, and orgasms exist for your enjoyment, and so do your skin, your curves, and your lingerie collection. You can share them if you wish, or not, it’s up to you.

## Myth 5: Maturbating can cause women to be promiscuous

While it's true that the more orgasms you have, the more you'll (probably) want, this statement about female masturbation has no merit. This myth assumes promiscuity is wrong when the term promiscuous simply means [having multiple sexual partners.](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/promiscuous) There is no moral attachment to the word or definition. 

So, maybe masturbating will help you be more comfortable with your sexuality, and you’ll share your sex life with more partners. Perhaps it will help you and a current partner solve a libido mismatch, or maybe it will just be fun for you. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying pleasure and having more sex with more people.

## Truth: Women masturbating is normal

More than half of [women report masturbating](https://kinseyinstitute.org/research/faq.php) regularly, and those numbers may be even larger. Women likely underreport masturbation because of societal messaging that says women have lower sex drives than men, which can easily cause women to feel shame about their solo sexual activity. 

Taking time for a bit of self-love is a normal part of life regardless of your gender. You may masturbate more or less often than your friends and partners. Your masturbation habits, like your sex drive, can ebb and flow during your life. 

Women masturbate for a variety of reasons, including [pleasure and stress relief.](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31155389/) For some women [masturbating is an intentional event](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/female-self-pleasure-rituals/) involving scented candles and lingerie, and for others, it's part of a nightly routine before falling asleep. 

Above all, masturbation is normal in any amount and style that works for you.

## Truth: Masturbation is beneficial for your health

Sure, a solo sesh feels good, but taking time to masturbate is good for your health too. The [rush of chemicals](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6409294/) such as oxytocin and prolactin after sexual activity is responsible for boosting more than just your sexual health. The [side effects of masturbating](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sex-pleasure-and-sexual-dysfunction/masturbation/masturbation-healthy) are improved sleep, better mental health, pain reduction, and improved immunity.

For many people, masturbating before bed aids in relaxation and promotes healthy sleep. [Many women report improved sleep](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6409294/) even if they don't masturbate to orgasm. 

If masturbating results in an orgasm (or five), you'll be treated to a dopamine rush which improves your overall sense of well-being and is good for your mental health. Masturbating can also help [relieve period cramps](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/teens/sex/masturbation/masturbation-good-you) and headaches because the chemicals released help reduce pain.

Masturbation can also help [boost your immune system](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/316954#reducing-prostate-cancer-risk) by boosting the antibodies that live in the linings of your nose, mouth, and vaginal tissue. 

Again, you don’t need a *reason* to masturbate, but if you were looking for one, those are pretty good!

## Truth: When women masturbate they improve their sex lives

Erotic self-touch is a normal part of sexual development, and continuing to masturbate when you're an adult is essential because as our bodies change, the types of touch we enjoy will as well. Pleasure does not have an age limit or expiration date. 

Masturbation helps women determine whether they want internal or external stimulation and which sex toys and lube are the most enjoyable. There are multiple ways for women to orgasm, and experimenting with clitoral and g-spot stimulation during solo-play can help you unlock your orgasmic potential. 

Women who masturbate are more comfortable with their bodies and [have a more positive self-image](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/1107656). Touching your body in ways that feel good will remind you that you have a right to pleasure and that your body is a gift. That boost of confidence will enhance any partnered sex you choose to have.

Mutual masturbation can add intimacy to your partnered sex life. Showing your partner which parts of your body are erogenous zones and watching each other touch yourselves can be intense foreplay. It's also a great way to introduce sex toys to your relationship. 

Masturbating can help you explore sexual fantasies safely and without committing to something like a threesome before you're ready. Imagining sexual scenarios or [listening to erotic audio](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/erotic-short-stories/) can help you decide if you want to make a particular fantasy a reality.

Masturbation allows women to take their sexual satisfaction into their own hands (or vibrators) and can empower them to say no to unhealthy or unsatisfying sexual relationships. If your self-love game is on point, someone’s offer of lousy sex is much less appealing. When you know the sort of pleasure your body is capable of experiencing, you won't settle for partnered sex that isn't at least as good as the sex you have with yourself. 

## Masturbation is genderless

Societal messaging about female sexuality tells us that masturbation is an innate part of male sexuality but is abnormal for women. The truth is that masturbating is a normal part of sexual development regardless of gender. 

Masturbation can improve your overall health, boost your self-esteem, and improve your experience during both solo and partnered sexual activity. Even with all of those benefits, the fact that it feels good is reason enough to seduce yourself.

Many women report feeling shy about masturbation or having trouble figuring out where to start. For women who masturbate regularly, exploring [various masturbation techniques](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/female-masturbation-orgasm/) and positions can provide a more intense and satisfying experience. 

To help you figure out how to masturbate or explore a greater variety of self-love routines, Dipsea offers mesmerizing [guided self-touch audio](https://app.dipseastories.com/series/self-touch-male-narrator-series). Lay back and relax while our narrators guide you to try something a bit different so that you can keep your self-pleasure sessions tantalizingly fresh.

There’s a lot of misinformation out there about women masturbating. Learn the wonderful truth about all the benefits of female self-pleasure.

Is women masturbating normal? Debunking the myths

Female-Masterbation

Like [many of us](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/underneath-the-sheets/201908/no-one-is-immune-sexual-shame), I have definitely struggled with shame from sex throughout my life. After all, from a young age, we’re taught negative and harmful messages about sexuality—that PIV sex is the only “real” type of sex, that we're supposed to do and enjoy certain things, and that men's pleasure comes first. Even if you live in a more sex-positive household, and you’re taught to take pride in your body and your pleasure, it’s likely you’ve still had to do a fair bit of exploring and unlearning on your own. And that process can lead to questions, like how do I like to have sex? What actually [makes me feel good](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/strange-turn-ons/)? And, ultimately, what if those things are “bad” or “weird?” What if they’re things to be ashamed of?

But your sex life is __your__ sex life, and we all define sex, and pleasure, differently. Whether your [masturbation habits](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/masturbating-is-important-even-when-youre-in-a-relationship/) make you feel a little guilty or you think your [libido](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/libido/) is lacking or much too high, there’s a really good chance you’re actually completely normal (whatever “normal” means!). 

## What does shame feel like?

Shame around sex can look different for different people, but for many people, it’s a sort of heavy, dreadful feeling that shrouds the idea of having sex, with yourself and/or with other people. You might feel embarrassed to ask for what you want in bed, or insecure about the way you look. You might feel totally fine and excited before and during the act, but then find yourself feeling guilty or gross once sex has ended. You might even feel stress about masturbating, and wonder if how you’re getting off, or what you like to watch, listen to, or fantasize about during masturbation is somehow bad. 

## Where does shame come from?

So let’s get to the root of it. If you do feel like shame is negatively impacting your sex life, or is making you generally unhappy and uncomfortable, one important change you can make is finding the root of your shame. Where did it come from? From there, you can attempt to work through it. [Natalie Finegood Goldberg](https://www.creatingchangela.com/sex-therapy-los-angeles-natalie-finegood/), AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, explains that shame can come from a range of experiences and factors. “Growing up with a particularly sex-negative religion (one which condemns sexuality, masturbation, or sexual activity), growing up with lots of negative messages around sex (masturbation is bad/dirty, don't be a slut, sex is bad/dirty, etc.), or experiencing any sort of unwanted touching or sexual attention from a young age can all result in sexual shame,” Finegood Goldberg explains.

People who experience shame around sex might struggle with admitting it. “Everyone feels some amount of shame about their sex lives, but so many people also feel ashamed for feeling shame,” [Vanessa Marin](https://vmtherapy.com/), a licensed psychotherapist and writer specializing in sex therapy, explains. “It's an awful shame spiral!” And it takes admitting it to do something to stop, or lessen, the issue.

## How to overcome stigma and shame

One realization that can help you deal with shame around sex is realizing that it’s not some big evil thing that you have to combat all at once. “It's really important to me to normalize feeling shame around sex, and point out that we are taught to feel that way by our religions, cultures, media, family, and so many other sources. None of us are born feeling ashamed of sex,” Marin says.

“I believe the most important thing that people can do to overcome stigma or shame is to create their own definition of healthy sex,” Finegood Goldberg reiterates. “Sex and sexual pleasure are so different for everyone; by creating a definition of sex that works for you, you're no longer holding yourself to a standard that may not be right, appropriate, or even enjoyable for you!”

## Try introducing aftercare

It’s possible that part of the shame you feel may come from needing a little more discussion and openness with your partner around sex. Do you think you might feel better if you felt supported by your partner? What if you talked things through both before and after, and were clear about the care you need? That’s where [aftercare](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/increase-intimacy-with-aftercar) comes in, or, in short, the idea of a check-in after sex. 

As Finegood Goldberg explained, sex means different things for different people. Some of the sex you enjoy most might come with a negative association from the mainstream, or it might be something that you were told was supposed to make you feel bad, or dirty. That’s where aftercare can help (though, of course, aftercare is helpful and beneficial, period). “If shame creeps in after sex, gentle reminders of your definition of healthy sex, as well as creating a calm soothing environment for yourself, can help bring you back to center,” Finegood Goldberg says. 

## Understand that it’s a journey

It takes time to overcome shame. It is, after all, a huge emotion, and it’s been ingrained in many of us our entire lives. For better or for worse, shame is big part of being human, especially depending on your background, your experiences with sex, and what you were taught about your body and pleasure. It doesn’t help to beat yourself up because you’re having feelings of shame. Instead, pat yourself on the back for taking the first step of admitting that this is something you’re struggling with. If you can talk about it with a friend, a therapist, or a partner, that may help you feel less alone in your journey. And you’ll probably realize that you’re far from the only person in your inner-circle who’s had feelings of doubt or embarrassment when it comes to sex. 

...

__Rachel Charlene Lewis is a writer and editor who writes about queerness and culture. Her work has been published in Bitch, Allure, Refinery29, Teen Vogue, Autostraddle, and elsewhere. You can find her throughout the internet as @RachelCharleneL.__ 


Shame

Is shame affecting your sex life?

By now, we all know the health benefits of masturbation. From a boosted immune system, to self-exploration and body awareness, to stress relief—the benefits go on and on. Yet, there's still this myth that masturbating while in a committed, monogamous relationship is somehow wrong or unhealthy. That for some reason, once you start dating someone seriously, having sex with them should fulfill all of your sexual needs and theirs

The fact of the matter is, masturbation and sex shouldn't be in competition with each other, and can actually be complementary. Jealousy is a normal emotion, but our partner’s masturbation habits and fantasies are not a reflection of their sexual attraction (or lack of) to us, and not something we should try to control.

Here are a few of the reasons why masturbation should always be on the menu when it comes to your sex life—whether you’re shacked up or not—and why it might even make boning with your boo even better.

## Pleasure and orgasms are good for your health

For starters, masturbation has a plethora of health benefits, both mental and physical. According to sexuality educator, [Lindsey Michelle](https://www.sexedwithlindsay.com/), masturbation can improve sleep, lower stress levels, alleviate pain, encourage a healthy prostate, strengthen the immune system, elevate our moods, and so much more. “Your partner wouldn't get insecure about you doing yoga, so masturbation shouldn't be any different,” she adds.

While all of those benefits are real and great, the simple fact that masturbation feels good—and we all have a right to pleasure in our own bodies—is also enough of a reason for us to honor that desire.

## Solo sex is a form of self-love and self-exploration

Connecting to our erotic pleasure by ourselves through masturbation can be a powerfully intimate experience. It offers us a chance to get to know and appreciate our bodies and also experiment with different types of touch, words, toys, fantasies, and other stimuli. 

Plus, setting aside the time in your day to attend to your pleasure and yours only, can help you stay connected to it. The more we disconnect ourselves from sexual pleasure, the harder it will become to find pleasure in other things (like food, a massage, or other sensory experiences) and vice versa. Sex therapist and coach, [Danielle Simpson-Baker](https://www.instagram.com/thesexpottherapist/?hl=en), suggests finding time to make a date out of it. “Set the mood, play some music, take a bath, light a joint,” she adds. 

## Masturbation improves your partnered sex

Solo sex and partnered sex fulfill different needs and desires, so masturbation doesn't diminish or take anything away from partnered sex—on the contrary.

Masturbation can actually benefit our partnered sex. Knowing our bodies, our turn-ons and turn-offs, our kinks, our desires, and our paths to orgasm, will translate to improved partnered experiences. If we don't know what we like, how can we expect our partners to know? “It’s an opportunity to teach them and rally for our own pleasure,” says Danielle.

Another way that masturbation improves sex with our partners, is the confidence that masturbation can provide us or help us access more easily. The more comfortable we are touching ourselves, and the better we feel about our bodies in a sexual or erotic sense, the better our sex will be.

## Desire discrepancy is real—and super common

Especially if you and you’re partner are together for a while, it’s likely that at some point you’ll experience a difference in desire levels, also known as [libido](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/libido/). These changes are absolutely normal! Our libidos can be pretty sensitive and there are A LOT of things that can either increase or decrease it, such as menopause, medication, and stress or anxiety, to name a few.

It isn’t appropriate to expect a low libido partner, who is uninterested in having sex (for whatever reason), to just bite their tongue and do it anyway. And it also isn’t fair for a high libido partner to not have masturbation as the perfectly reasonable sexual outlet that it is.

## Fantasy is important to your sex life

The last benefit we’ll mention is the aspect of fantasy in relationships. Masturbation can be an effective tool for unearthing and developing intimate fantasies. Fantasy is a powerful aspect of our erotic lives, allowing us to safely explore our sexual horizons both internally on our own and in our intimate relationships.

Not only can discussing your fantasies with your partner be incredibly hot and act as a form of foreplay, but it can also lead to experimenting with new dynamics or experiences in the bedroom. “Opening up the conversation about something so intimate can help you feel closer to your partner and allow you both to check in about what your needs and desires are,” offers Danielle.

## The bottom line

The obligation to only seek sexual pleasure from your partner and fully refrain from masturbation is simply unrealistic and unhealthy. Masturbation, watching porn, listening to erotica, having fantasies—none of these things take away from the sexual relationship you have with your partner or diminish your attraction to your partner.

It’s important for all partners to maintain a healthy solo sex life, and to encourage each other to seek those pleasurable experiences. After all, the longest sexual relationship you will ever have is with yourself.

Sometimes, it can be hard to fit masturbation into our busy schedules, and when we do, we're not always in the mood. That's where Dipsea comes in. Switch up your routine with [Self Touch: Glow Up](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/self-touch-glow-up-male-narrator) or slow down with [Self Touch: Edging](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/self-touch-edging). Sit back, relax, and let our sexy narrators tell you exactly how to touch yourself.

...

__Jamie J. LeClaire (they/them) is a sexuality educator, freelance writer, and consultant. Their work focuses on the intersections of pleasure-positive sexual health, queer and transgender/gender-nonconforming identity, body politics, and social justice. You can find more of their work at their [website](https://www.jamiejleclaire.com/), and follow them on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/JamieJLeClaire/) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JamieJLeClaire).__


Masturbation and sex shouldn't be in competition with each other, and can actually be complementary, especially when you're in a relationship with someone.

Masturbating is important–even when you're in a relationship

Masturbation

That tingle in your loins, the deep heat between your thighs, the images and sounds of sweaty bodies intertwined flashing through your brain—libido is all of these things!

## What is libido?

In short, libido is your mental, physical, and emotional desire for sex, masturbation, and/or orgasm.

While the oft-cited psychologist Sigmund Freud theorized that libido is an innate sexual drive that influences all that we do, we now know that sexual desire is not necessarily something that is inherent in all of us — if you need evidence of this, just look at the [many asexual people](https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/q-and-a/a30581/sex-talk-realness-asexuality/) living perfectly happy, healthy, lives sans desire for sex.

There’s also no “normal range” when it comes to libido. We each have our own baseline which differs from person to person. Not only does our libido fluctuate throughout our lives — decade to decade, year to year, day to day, and even hour to hour —  our baseline can also change permanently during our lifetime for myriad reasons.

What are some of these reasons? Well, to understand why we might experience shifts and changes in libido, we first need to understand, on a more biological level, what things influence and determine our libido to begin with.

## What determines libido?

[Dr. Lyndsey Harper](https://meetrosy.com/about/), board-certified Ob/Gyn and libido expert, tells us our “horny meter” is mostly influenced by two key components: stress/anxiety levels and hormones.

Hormones, namely estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone, are [largely responsible](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5776161/) for how “in the mood” you feel. Therefore, spoiler alert: anything that has an impact on your body’s hormones will likely, in turn, have an impact on your libido.

The second culprit in libido composition is stress, which can cause increased levels of cortisol in the body that can inhibit our desire. Additionally, whatever is stressing you the hell out is also likely to be frequently on your mind, and may prevent you from being interested in getting down. 

A specific kind of stress that many of us are experiencing very vividly right now, survival stress, particularly hampers our libido. When we're faced with a threat like COVID-19, whether physically, emotionally, or mentally, the body can enter a state of fight-flight-or-freeze. When we experience these nervous system states, it’s hard for our bodies, and minds, to be interested in much else.

## What affects libido?

Because stress (aka cortisol) levels and hormones are the dirty duo responsible for making or breaking our libido, anything that affects them ultimately affects our libido. These triggers can include, but aren’t limited to:

- Financial stress
- Relationship troubles
- Mental health and/or trauma
- Menstrual cycle
- Menopause/Andropause
- Diet, sleep, and exercise (not enough or too much)
- Medication (especially [anti-depressants](https://www.healthline.com/health/erectile-dysfunction/antidepressant-sexual-side-effects#causes) and [birth control](https://helloclue.com/articles/sex/birth-control-and-sex-drive))
- Hormone Replacement Therapy
- Vasectomy or Hysterectomy
- Body or sex shame issues

But don’t worry, while there are plenty of stimuli dead set on ruining a good time, there are just as many, if not more, factors that are trying to get you going. I’ll get to those soon! 

## Why is your libido especially low?

In addition to stress, there are also some more material and physical factors that contribute to low libido. What we have access to and what we choose to put in our bodies can have a big impact on the body’s desire for sex and orgasm. 

### Lack of access to safer sex materials

Ran out of condoms? Got your IUD taken out and haven’t figured out what your new birth control method is? If you don’t know that your sex can be guaranteed “safe,” for whatever reason, your desire may be stifled.

### Menopause

During and after menopause, the body produces fewer hormones, namely estrogen and testosterone, contributing to lower levels of desire. 

The reduction in hormones may also cause vaginal dryness, and subsequently vaginal atrophy, which can be painful and have an impact on someone’s desire for sex. It’s also important to note that people who use hormonal forms of birth control, like the pill, may also experience [vaginal atrophy](https://www.healthline.com/health/atrophic-vaginitis). 

### Drugs or alcohol 

While, yes, drugs and alcohol often relieve some of our inhibitions and may allow us to feel more emboldened sexually, prolonged or excessive use may have a negative impact on your libido. 

So, if you’ve been drinking more than usual during quarantine (no one is judging!), that could be contributing to a lower sex drive.

## Why is your libido especially high?

So many reasons! Low stress, improvements in mental health, stopping certain medications (always consult your doctor before you stop taking or change your medication) a positive change in your diet, hormone replacement therapy, or exercise.

But that’s not all!

### You feel confident

[Feeling confident in your body](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/body-neutrality/) and your sexiness can largely contribute to less stress around sex and intimacy and have you feeling more ravenous than usual.

Similarly, if someone is starting to unlearn toxic messages around sex or beginning to release some of the shame they previously had when it comes to pleasure, they may experience a stronger desire for sex or masturbation!

### Your sex life is great!

Sex begets more sex! If you’re having particularly good sex with someone and releasing all of those feel-good, horny hormones, like [dopamine and oxytocin](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15236835/), you’re going to be more likely to have sex on the brain.

Take advantage of it, is all I have to say. 

### You’re in the thirstiest part your menstrual cycle

Two of the hormones that play important roles in your menstrual cycle, estrogen and progesterone, also play a big role in sexual desire. 

In the days leading up to ovulation, the levels of estrogen and progesterone peak, leading to many menstruating people feeling particularly riled up during this time, falling off in the days following as the hormones level out. 

It might be helpful to track your cycle, either manually or using one of the many cycle tracking apps like [Clue](https://helloclue.com/) or [Glow](https://glowing.com/apps#glow), that way you can plan your sex life accordingly!

## When is high or low libido a problem?

High or low libido is a problem only when you feel like it’s a problem, or if it’s having a significant negative impact on your life or interpersonal relationships.

For example: masturbating so often you miss work, feeling guilt or shame around your desires, or avoiding your partner because you don’t want to talk about your low libido. These might be a few reasons to reflect on how your libido is impacting your life and explore ways to address the issue.

## What to do if you and your partner have mismatched libidos

Libidos that align perfectly, like simultaneous orgasms, while wonderful, are pretty uncommon, so don’t fret. Seventy percent of people have experienced mismatched libidos (aka desire discrepancy) in a relationship at some point. Here are some things you can do to sync up with your partner:

### Talk about it

The first step, according to Dr. Lyndsey Harper, is to talk to your partner about how you’re feeling. They aren’t mind-readers and a lack of communication can lead to unresolved miscommunications and misunderstandings, so it’s important for the health of your relationship that you discuss what you’ve been feeling. Here are some things you can say:

“You’re an absolute babe and I love having sex with you, but this intense project at work has me so stressed out right now, and it’s killed my libido.”

“Hey, you’ve probably noticed that I haven’t been in the mood lately. I found this article about libido that explains what’s going on with me. I’d appreciate it if you read it and we could talk about it together.”

Talking about a low sexual desire can feel awkward, but keeping your person (or persons) in the loop is always better than leaving them guessing. 


### Reassure your partner

If sexual intimacy is an important part of your relationship dynamic, it’s common for the high libido partner to feel insecure, or take their partner’s low libido personally.

Being honest with your partner about what is affecting your libido is paramount. Here are some other things you can say to reassure your partner and let them know you care about nurturing a sexual relationship you both enjoy:

“Just because I’m not feeling all that sexual right now doesn’t mean I’m going to feel like this forever.”

“Me not being in the mood right now doesn’t make you any less sexy. What can I do to make you feel loved/desired/supported?”

“This is something that’s really important to me. I really want to work on this aspect of our relationship, so let’s talk about how we can do that together.”

It’s important to put effort into finding ways to nurture your relationship that are pleasing for everyone involved. 

### Empower your partner and their pleasure

If you’re experiencing low desire, and your partner is not, it isn’t fair to expect them to suddenly turn theirs off and be on the same page as you. 

Make sure your partner feels emboldened to satisfy their own desires; encourage them to masturbate and offer them the time and privacy to do so. Maybe even buy them that toy they’ve been eyeing or a subscription to Dispea!

If you’re the partner with high desire, it’s just as important to make sure your low-desire partner feels supported as well. Sex may be off the table currently, but that doesn’t mean intimacy and closeness are off the table. Communicate with your partner to find other ways they would like to be shown love and affection outside of sex.

### Boost intimacy

Intimacy isn’t just about sex, and finding ways to enjoy non-sexual intimacy will keep your relationship strong. Plan a date night. Massage each other. Play video games together. Cook together. Cuddle. 

Make sure to keep open lines of communication going with your partner so your intimacy needs, sexual or otherwise, are being met as best as possible and in the ways you each desire. 

### Responsive vs. spontaneous desire

When it comes to desire, there are two types, spontaneous and responsive. This concept, popularized by author [Emily Nagoski](https://www.emilynagoski.com/), has been at the forefront of Dipsea’s work and mission.

Spontaneous - as you’re going about your day, a sexy thought pops into your head and you feel a spark in your genitals.

Responsive - as your partner gives you a massage, things get hotter and heavier, and you start to feel turned on. 

If you tend to experience more responsive desire, then your body relies on sexual “cues” to get turned on, and so it’s important to take initiative with your intimacy and sex life and offer yourself opportunities to get turned on, in response to stimuli. Stimuli can include things like:

- Listening to audio erotica (like [Dipsea](https://www.dipseastories.com/)!)
- Reading erotica
- Watching porn
- Kissing or making out
- Sexting/exchanging pics
- Sensual bath or massage
- Masturbation/mutual masturbation
- [Sensation play](https://www.dipseastories.com/blog/sensation-play/)
- Playing flirty sex/hookup games
- Arousal gels or lubricants

Figure out what things work for you, and communicate that with your partner. Filling out a [Yes/No/Maybe list](https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist) can be a useful way to find out your sexual desires, interests, and boundaries, and easily discuss them with your partner.

## What if you’re solo?

Get sensual with yourself! Feeling sensual, sexy, and confident in your body is likely to have a positive impact on your libido and desire to be intimate.

### Stress relief

As discussed, stress is a major culprit of wacky libido. So anything you do to lower and level out your stress levels is going to help create a physical and mental environment in which you’re more likely to experience desire. 

Think things like yoga, deep breathing, meditation, therapy, getting enough sleep, acupuncture, exercise, full-body massage, even just finally making those appointments you’ve been putting off. 

### Maintenance masturbation

Just like developing any other skill, or healthy habit, improving your libido is about consistency and dedication. Set aside some time in your schedule deliberately for masturbation. You may not necessarily be jazzed about it, but once you get started — and once you finish — you’ll be happy you did.

According to Dr. Harper, "The pleasure experienced through masturbation is incredibly positive — it’s really a wellness activity." 

Well, ladies and gentlemen and friends beyond the binary, if that isn’t one of the best endorsements for gratuitous solo sex I’ve ever heard. Now get to it!

## The bottom line

Remember, there is no such thing as a “normal” libido or sexual desire. It will change throughout our lives, so one of the best tools we can work on improving is our communication skills so that we can have these ongoing conversations with our partners and work on the healthy sex lives we envision for ourselves. 

...

__Jamie J. LeClaire (they/them) is a sexuality educator, freelance writer, and consultant. Their work focuses on the intersections of pleasure-positive sexual health, queer and transgender/gender-nonconforming identity, body politics, and social justice. You can find more of their work at their [website](https://www.jamiejleclaire.com/), and follow them on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/JamieJLeClaire/) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JamieJLeClaire).__

There’s also no normal range when it comes to libido. We each have our own baseline which differs from person to person and that changes throughout our lives.  

Understanding low libido and navigating mismatched sex drive

Your-Libido

What's up with your libido?

For many queer people, existence is a continuous and lifelong process of self-discovery. Because we live in a world that operates under conditions of compulsory heterosexuality, being straight is seen as the default. Many queer people won’t even acknowledge feelings that diverge from heterosexuality until later in life, largely because people are presumed to be straight until, well, they’re not.

Similarly, the gender binary, which dictates that all people are either boys or girls, one or the other, leaves no room to acknowledge the vast spectrum of gender identity and expression. Instead, it forces people into boxes well before they’re even able to know that such boxes exist. 

Before they can even walk, little boys are dressed in onesies with “Ladies Man” screen printed across the front, and young girls are jokingly asked if their boy friends on the playground are their boyfriends. Of course, these questions and sartorial choices are well-intentioned and innocuous, but nonetheless, they directly reinforce heteronormativity and the gender binary.

Society still operates largely under the assumption that people are born straight and that gender and sex are the same. So, if and when someone comes to understand they fall outside of these social constructions, it’s often seen as a breaking with their identity, rather than a natural progression of it. 

When I first came out as gay in college, I was overtaken by two contrasting waves of emotion, like two swells coming from opposite currents and colliding with each other just before wave break. One was fear. Fear that I had completely destroyed my family by breaking away from the person they’d assumed I was from birth (that’s that whole compulsory heterosexuality thing). The other was relief. I felt a deep sense of calm that came from knowing that at least, finally, I’d been able to figure out my identity and claim it. 

As it turns out, both feelings, while true and valid at the time, were precipitated by assumptions that ended up being quite the opposite of what I’d initially thought them to be. Although coming out led to (and still leads to) some difficult conversations with my family, I’ve been lucky to be made to feel that my sexuality has not destroyed my family, and that it has, in many ways, made it stronger and better. And, as for the relief I felt in finally being able to own and understand my identity—it has actually changed and shifted numerous times since college as my capacity for understanding the full range of the human experience has also changed and shifted. Let’s just say I’m grateful to be surrounded by people who recognize that the more we come to know for ourselves, the more we will come to know about ourselves. 

We are given so little language by which to understand ourselves in terms of sex, sexuality, and gender when we are younger. It’s no surprise that as more understanding is acquired, more identity shifts become possible. It’s not necessarily that a person is changing, so much as it is that their understanding of themselves is deepening as they discover the language they lacked to articulate their experience in the first place. In service of providing people a greater capacity to access that language, let’s breakdown some of the identity terms that, although an understanding of them is steadily growing, might still be largely misunderstood. 

## Sexual identity 

I’m starting here because, for me, this is my most salient identity, and the one that I’ve done the most work on developing my understanding of. In simplest terms, sexual identity relates to the people you’re attracted to, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Most popularly, these identities are understood as gay, straight, and bisexual - but wow is that just the beginning.

When I first came out, I came out as gay, a Kinsey six if you will. ([The Kinsey Scale](https://kinseyinstitute.org/research/publications/kinsey-scale.php) is a research-backed study on sexuality that places identity along a spectrum of 0-6, with 0 being exclusively heterosexual and 6 being exclusively homosexual.) However, later in college, I developed a huge crush on a butch lesbian I was friends with. It absolutely threw me for a loop, and threw me off of the 6 I was so securely sitting on. As my understanding of my sexuality grew, I came to identify as queer. Partially, because it is a political identity, and also because I recognize that there is not one type of person or body that I am attracted to. 

While there are certainly zeros and sixes that exist in the world, there are also twos and fours and Xs (people who engage in no sexual behavior). People who identify as [asexual](https://www.instagram.com/p/CAqQ04YH_Ux/) might experience romantic, but not physical attraction, and pansexuals experience attraction regardless of sex, gender, or identity. Sexuality, as with gender, is a spectrum along which people fall at every point. Speaking of which… 

## Gender identity and expression 

It’s probably easiest to understand gender identity and gender expression in terms of the latter parts of both. As with sexual identity, gender identity relates to how a person identifies themself. In a binary world, that would mean boy or girl, but in the actual world that includes non-binary folks, trans folks, agender or genderqueer folks, and all variations therein.

Gender expression, therefore, relates to how people express their gender. This might relate to how they dress, behave, and even how they [enjoy having sex](https://www.allure.com/story/guide-to-sex-with-trans-women-for-cis-women). 

In a perfect world, people’s gender identity and expression would align in the ways they wanted them to, but unfortuntealy we live in a world that wasn’t created to accommodate gender outside a binary. So it's important to remember, just because your perception of someone’s gender expression might lead you to believe one thing about them, there is every possibility [their identity doesn’t align with that expression](https://www.them.us/story/man-made-gender-dysphoria). 

## Pronouns

One major way you can honor someone’s gender identity and expression is by asking for, and then consistently using their pronouns. 

For a long time, “she,” “he,” and the variations of those pronouns have been thought to be the only, and only appropriate, singular pronouns. In reality, there are [many more pronouns](https://www.them.us/story/gender-neutral-pronouns-101-they-them-xe-xem) people identity with, including “they,” which is one of the ones I use. 

In the same way my sexuality evolved as I grew to understand the nuance that exists in the world of sex and sexuality, so has my gender identity, expression, and the way I navigate both. And similarly to how my queer identity developed as I recognized that my attraction was not at a fixed zero or six on a fixed scale, I’ve realized that with gender I also don’t fall at an either-or point. 

One night while I was ordering a drink at a bar, I heard a friend of mine comment to another friend, “Damn, they look cute tonight,” and turned my head a little to see him pointing at me. Earlier that week, I’d told some friends that I felt I didn’t fit squarely on either end of the gender binary, and that I would start using they/them pronouns in addition to he/his. I finished getting my vodka soda with an almost impossibly wide smile stretching across my face. It made me feel electric.

Gender and sexuality are hugely inexorably tied to our sense of wellness, wellbeing, and safety. Learning to honor and understand those aspects of someone’s identity are some of the greatest ways to show up for people. It feels sexy to be seen and understood, and it's also sexy to see and understand. And while the journey toward fully comprehending your own gender and sexuality may be one that is lifelong, it is definitely worth seeing it through to the end.

...

[Garrett Schlichte](https://www.instagram.com/gschlichte/?hl=en) is the Operations Manager at Dipsea, and also a freelance writer. Their work has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, Harper’s Bazaar, and other places on the internet and in print. Please send iced coffee.

Let's talk about sex (and gender, identity, and pronouns)

gender-identity

Cannabis and sex are a match made in heaven. It’s been scientifically proven that cannabis can [increase libido](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31447385/), [enhance sexual pleasure](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6522945/) for vulva-owners, and even help with [erectile dysfunction](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6893937/). If you’ve had stoned sex in the past, chances are you smoked before getting down and dirty, but there are plenty of other ways to incorporate cannabis into your sex life. In this post, we’ll cover everything you need to know, including how to use topicals like lubes and oils, the benefits of CBD and THC, tips for properly dosing edibles, and tricks for avoiding buzzkills like cottonmouth.

But before we get into all of that, it’s important to understand the difference between THC and CBD, the main cannabinoids found in cannabis. THC is the psychoactive chemical that causes the feeling of being “high,” whereas CBD (also known as hemp) is non-psychoactive, meaning that it alone can’t get you high, but it can relax the muscles and relieve bodily tension, in addition to possessing many other medicinal properties.

How you consume cannabis is entirely up to you! You can smoke, vape, use tinctures, eat edibles, apply topicals, and more. If you’re unsure about the legality of cannabis where you live, you’re not alone. Federal and state laws notoriously contradict one another, but thankfully there are [resources](https://norml.org/laws) to help you determine what and how you’re legally allowed to consume one of the most sought after plants on earth.
<br><br><br>
__Lotions, potions, and lubes__

If you’re not a regular cannabis-user, or you’re just starting to introduce it into the bedroom, consider experimenting with a topical product like a massage oil or lube. Topicals can be infused with THC or CBD and can be used for a multitude of reasons—awakening the body by enhancing blood flow, relaxing tense areas, and increasing sensitivity—without getting you high.

 It’s important to note that everyone’s experience with topicals is different and can be affected by a number of factors including current state of intoxication, tolerance level, general sensitivity, level of arousal, and more. Some users describe a relaxing sensation while others claim that their THC lube gets their vulvas high.

“A cannabis infused lube or [arousal oil](https://www.foriawellness.com/collections/sexual-wellness/products/foria-awaken) is a great start,” suggests [Gabrielle Noel](https://www.instagram.com/gabalexa/), sex and dating writer and influencer. “I love those products for solo play with vibrators because it can really extend the session. Vibrators make me orgasm pretty quickly, but cannabis lube helps me have multiple orgasms.”

If you’re buying something over-the-counter, be sure to check all the ingredients. [Dr. Caroline Hartridge](http://www.drhartridge.com/), DO General Practitioner and CBD/Medical Cannabis Expert, cautions, “Be careful about added ingredients that may cause adverse reactions, like essential oils or other scents.” Foria makes a great coconut oil-based [CBD lube](https://www.foriawellness.com/collections/sexual-wellness/products/intimacy-cbd-lubricant), or you can make a [THC-infused oil](https://www.leafly.com/news/lifestyle/cannabis-and-coconut-oil-uses-benefits-and-a-recipe-to-make-your) at home! Just remember that anything oil-based is not latex-friendly!
<br><br><br>
__Smoke (or vapor) and mirrors__

Smoking, in itself, can be a highly erotic activity. Those who have a “smoking fetish” love everything from the movement of the smoke to the way it smells when it’s blown in their face. If inhaling smoke doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, vaping could be your perfect match. Vaping essentially “bakes” your flower and releases vapor that’s consumed at a much lower temperature (315°-360℉) compared to combustion (451℉).

Smoking or vaping is the fastest way to feel the effects of THC, and it can be a great way to connect with your body and with your partner. It's also the easiest way to consume cannabis slowly and determine dosing which is key if you’re not a veteran stoner.

To level up your solo-smoking or vaping game, create a masturbation ritual that involves cannabis. Visualize inhaling the smoke or vapor to all your different erogenous zones. If you’re with a partner, blow smoke or vapor into each other’s mouths or try smoking/vaping while your partner is going down on you (if you’re able to multitask). Lighting up a post-orgasm joint or blunt can also be a great addition to aftercare.

Smoking isn’t just for folks looking for a buzz. “For anyone who doesn't enjoy the psychoactive effects of cannabis, smoking [hemp](https://www.thealchemistskitchen.com/collections/products/products/cbd-herbal-smokes-plant-alchemy) is great too,” according to Gabrielle.
	<br><br><br>
__Make it tasty__

If puffing and passing doesn’t appeal to you, edibles may be the perfect alternative. “I adore edibles for sex because they last a long time, provide such a great body high, and I prefer a more intense experience,” says [Sophie Saint Thomas](https://www.instagram.com/thebowiecat/), journalist and author of [Finding Your Higher Self: Your Guide to Cannabis Self-Care](https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Your-Higher-Self-Self-Care/dp/1507211406).

If you’re worried about getting too high from edibles, you can experiment with microdosing. Start by consuming a small dose of THC, like five milligrams, and then wait at least an hour before consuming more. While you’re waiting for the edible to take effect, have some fun! It’s far better to be in the middle of an activity and realize you’re starting to feel warm and fuzzy than to sit and wait for the first inkling of a high. Try edging yourself, or if you’re partnered, give each other erotic massages to build desire before a night of stoned sex.

Keep in mind that dosing can be a bit trickier with homemade edibles. If you decide to take the DIY route, be sure to keep track of how much cannabis you’re using and thoroughly mix your THC oil/butter into your recipe for even distribution.
<br><br><br>
__Awaken and heal__

Cannabis doesn’t just have the ability to make solo and partnered sex feel amazing; it can also alleviate pain and discomfort during sex. Before you get started, use an infused oil to gently massage any part of the body, [internal](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-25280/the-tantric-technique-designed-to-give-you-multiple-orgasms.html) or external, that experiences tension during sex. If you suffer from pain or discomfort during penetration, Sophie suggests “trying a pleasure spray for people with vaginas, or using a suppository vaginally or anally, to prepare for penetration and lower pain without numbing yourself.”

In addition to its pain relieving properties, cannabis can awaken parts of the body that may feel numb or desensitized. “CBD and THC work as vasodilators bringing more blood flow to the area of application” says Dr. Hartridge. She also adds that it serves to ease an anxious mind by helping folks “experience their body sensations louder than their thoughts.” Many survivors of sexual trauma turn to topicals to help increase sensitivity in the vulva and/or anus, while also using cannabis to get out of the head and into the body.
<br><br><br>
__Avoiding buzzkills__

When I first started to have stoned sex, I would roll an admittedly sub-par joint that my partner and I would share before and during foreplay. Although I was brimming with desire, my mouth and vulva didn’t seem to get the message because they were drier than a desert!  At the time, I felt so embarrassed so I “powered through” leading to some of the worst oral sex performances of my life. After some Googling, I quickly learned that there are some minor downfalls to smoking and fooling around but thankfully there are solutions to all of them. To ensure you have the most positive outcome in your high sex journey, here are some things to keep in mind and prepare for in advance.

__Choose the right strain.__ Cannabis strains have come a long way, with thousands of different strains grown all over the world. But, to get started, all you need to know are the three basic types: sativas, indicas, and hybrids. Sativas have a higher concentration of THC and are great for an active high, indicas have a higher CBD concentration and provide a more relaxing, calming buzz, and hybrids fall somewhere in the middle producing an even balance of head and body high. I personally think that the perfect “sex strain” is a hybrid or a sativa-dominant hybrid. A pure sativa can cause you to get too “in your head,” while a pure indica can potentially relax you to the point where a nap sounds more appealing than getting frisky. Choosing something in the middle and consuming it at a slow pace is the best way to ensure a comfortable and exciting experience. If you want to learn more about individual strains, use an app like [Leafly](https://www.leafly.com/start-exploring) or [Weedmaps](https://weedmaps.com/strains) to help determine the lineage of your flower.

__Stay hydrated.__ Cannabis, especially when consumed via smoke or vape, is known to cause xerostomia, more notoriously known as cottonmouth. “When THC binds the submandibular gland receptors, the gland stops getting signals from the nervous system to make saliva,” explains Dr. Hartridge. Make sure you have plenty of water nearby and hydrate before, during, and after sex. Sometimes, water isn’t enough to completely counteract dryness, so drinking juice or coconut water can also be helpful. Pro tip: pure [mango juice](https://merryjane.com/health/mangoes-and-marijuana-can-this-fruit-actually-improve-your-cannabis-experience) compliments a high quite nicely.

__Use lube.__ Another mucus membrane in the body that isn’t immune to the effects of xerostomia is the vagina. Even though you might be turned on like never before, your vulva might not be as wet as usual, and that’s completely normal. Hydrating with water and doing kegel exercises can help to re-moisten the vaginal canal, but your best bet is to use as much lube as you need. Look for lubes that are paraben-free and glycerin-free (vulvas don’t like sugar). For a longer lasting lube, choose something silicone-based like [Sliquid Silver](https://sliquid.com/shop/sliquid-naturals/naturals-silicone/silver-sliquid-naturals/) (but don’t use it with silicone-toys because the silicone in the lube can bond with the toy causing it to warp and swell).

__Keep pure CBD on hand.__ In case you find yourself too high, take some pure CBD to counteract that ultra-stoned feeling. CBD can help you calm down and bring your heart rate and anxious thoughts back to a base line. Hemp comes in many forms including tinctures, edibles, vapor cartridges, and even actual flower! Make sure to purchase your CBD from a reputable source ([Tribe Tokes](https://www.tribetokes.com/collections/cbd-wellness-lifestyle/products/cbd-tincture) has a great CBD tincture oil), and be wary of the CBD products found at gas stations or local supermarkets.

Integrating cannabis into your sex life can be such a fun experimentation process! This amazing plant possesses so many properties that can relax, heal, awaken, and transform our relationships with our bodies. Take things slow, get creative, and enjoy the magical sensations that Mary Jane can offer you.

__Looking for the perfect Dipsea story to enhance your cannabis escapades? Join Reese as she recalls her stoned-encounter with a keyboardist at Bonaroo in "[Encore](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/encore)." Or, if you're looking for something more relaxing, get intimate with [Emmy](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/get-intimate-with-emmy) as she gives you a deep tissue massage.__


...


__[Miss Cory B](https://www.instagram.com/misscoryb/?hl=en) (she/they) is a queer, polyamorous sex educator and kink coach. She uses humor and honesty to mentally, emotionally, and physically navigate the slew of (mis)information surrounding sex and non-monogamous relationships. Through self-exploration and experimentation, she has paved a path of sexual liberation for herself and is helping others do the same.__

cannabis

Your guide to cannabis and pleasure

Growing up, I was largely unaware of my body. I knew that I had one, certainly, as most people tend to, but, being able-bodied and healthy, I never really contemplated my body or thought about it all that much. In fact, I was so unaware of my body moving around in space that my parents used to call me Crash, because of my propensity to run into pretty much anything I passed. Spatial awareness was not my strong suit. 

However, my glorious days of bodily ambivalence came to a crushing end in middle school when someone on the playground yelled out in front of everyone, “Wow Garrett, you’ve got some fat knees!” I looked down. I didn’t really know what constituted “fat knees” or why having them would matter, but everyone laughed and so there appeared to be consensus—I had fat knees. I went home that night and dug out a pair of my uniform pants from the back of my closet (I went to a school in South Florida that required us to wear uniforms and as such, pretty much everyone opted for the shorts to avoid melting or having a heat stroke), and never looked back. 

I asked my mom to buy me shorts that went past my knees so I never had to look at them again, and I wore pants to school every day from middle school through my senior year of high school. If you think hard enough, everyone has a moment in their lives when they became aware of their bodies, and this was mine. Arguably, it wasn’t great, and it didn’t exactly set me on a path toward success when it came to having a healthy relationship to the vessel I exist in and traverse the world with.

In addition to the pants-only rule I made up for myself, I also pretty much immediately started avoiding mirrors if I was in any manner of undress, and have been on a perpetual diet for the majority of life. It hasn’t been an easy journey with my body, to put it lightly, and I haven’t always been as kind to it as it deserves. Even the various self-love movements and ad campaigns that have sprung up in the last decade, encouraging us to “love the skin we’re in,” haven’t done much to assuage the feeling that my body was somehow subpar, or unworthy. 

The body positivity movement, which is rooted in the belief that everyone should feel that their bodies are beautiful, was too, well, positive for me. Undoubtedly, it has been super helpful for a lot of people, and did quite a bit to challenge the ideas of what’s been allowed to be considered beautiful, or desirable for a long time. But personally, I felt like a failure if I didn’t feel good about my body all the time. It also didn’t help that, in large part, the move toward self-love was taken over by companies and influencers who mostly didn’t care about the bodies they were influencing. They cared more about pushing quick-fix products than they did about cultivating sustainable change in the way people connect with their physical selves. Sure, there were moments, even prolonged ones, when I felt better about my body, but it isn’t lost on me that those moments were always connected to times I felt like I’d lost weight, and even then I still didn’t feel truly “positive.” 

My relationship to my body has also had an impact on how I connect to myself and my partners sexually. Pleasure is inexorably tied to the body, and in movies, television, and particularly porn, it is tied to a very specific kind of body. The kinds of bodies I saw giving and receiving pleasure were firm, defined, tanned, and as such I internalized that these were the kinds of bodies that were deserving of pleasure. Because my body was nothing like the ones I saw on screen, I began to believe that it wasn’t deserving, and that’s still something I grapple with today. 

In my most rational mind, I know that this is untrue. Of course all bodies deserve to feel and experience pleasure, but knowing something and feeling something are two very different things. At times, I’ve felt like perhaps this will be my perpetual state, that I will live out all my days with the underlying feeling that there is something inherently wrong with my body, while simultaneously blasting empowering pop songs into my ears to try and chase that feeling away. 

Recently, however, I came across a relatively new wellness practice, body neutrality, that has been helping me feel the skin I’m in, if not feel better in it. Body neutrality is the practice of respecting your body, even if you don’t love it completely. It focuses more on everything your body can do (which is a lot!), than on how it looks. So far, it’s helped me feel like less of a failure on days when I feel insecure, and it’s allowed me to acknowledge my body without radical self-love, an extreme I’m just not ready for yet. It hasn’t been a perfect practice for me, and there are definitely days when I’ve experienced the same highs and lows I have since middle school, but when I’m able to focus and clear my mind, it has helped me reach a neutral place that has given me some comfort. 

Body neutrality has the potential to sound like the same kind of wellness jargon as any of the myriad feel-good fads that dominate social media, and so I think it’s best to figure out how to practice it in a way that works for you. Here’s how it manifests for me. 

__Acknowledge your body__

After avoiding mirrors if I wasn’t fully dressed for much of my life, I tried diving into the most extreme end of the pool. I did that thing where you stand naked in front of a mirror and tell yourself all the things you love about your naked body. The issue was, I often felt like I was lying for the sake of this practice. Instead, body neutrality has allowed me to simply acknowledge my body when I happen to catch a glimpse of myself while I’m getting out of the shower or when I’m getting dressed. “Hey, there you are,” is a silly, but helpful thing I’ve started to say, or think, to my reflection in the mirror. It’s a small step, but one that is helping me become familiar with myself again. 

__Be in your body for you__

It’s no secret that I love a rom-com, and Julia Roberts is, for me, one of the greats. There’s a particular scene in "Eat, Pray, Love," when Julia’s character is consoling a friend who is nervous to appear naked in front of her new beau for the first time because she feels insecure about her weight. “Let me ask you a question,” she says, “in all the years you’ve ever undressed for a gentleman, has he ever asked you to leave? Has he ever walked out, left?” No, her friend replies, “Because he doesn’t care. He’s in a room with a naked girl. He’s won the lottery.”

Part of this has been empowering for me, but recently I’ve found the reasoning to be lacking just a bit. Instead of thinking about my body or my pleasure as being a win for someone else, I’ve been trying to think of it as serving me, and my needs. And in doing so, it’s also helped me to find ways to acknowledge the different kinds of pleasure my body can bring me. There’s pleasure in dancing, alone or with a partner, in going for a walk on a nice day, in scratching a particularly tough to reach itch—it’s kind of incredible all the pleasure we’re able to bring ourselves that we don’t even acknowledge on a regular basis. 

__Think about your body more, in different ways__

Because I came to be aware of my body through its appearance, I’ve never really thought about my body irrespective of that, which is unfair to myself as most of what my body does has nothing to do with the way it looks. A little while ago, I did a guided meditation that asked participants to lay on our backs with our eyes closed and focus on how different areas of our bodies felt. When the instructor asked us to focus on our knees, I felt nothing about them. I could kind of feel them, maybe, with my eyes closed, but the experience was net neutral. They didn’t hurt, they were, in reality, just there, as part of me. It was nice to think about a part of my body that I’d been so negative toward for the majority of my life still getting the job done for so long regardless of the fact that I spent so much time trying to hide them. Figuring out how to connect with my body more, not less, but in a new way, has been something really special. My body does a lot everyday, and saying thank you to it for keeping me (mostly) together is something worth acknowledging. 

It’s still too early to tell if working toward body neutrality will help me figure out how to appreciate my body in the long term, or, at the very least, be kinder and more gentle with myself. However, in the short term, I can definitely say it’s been a step in the right direction. If nothing else, it is a reminder that right now, and always, it’s not important to be great; it is, very often, okay just to be. And on top of that, the time and emotional energy that I’ve gotten back from myself that used to be spent fanatically obsessing over body image and engaging in self-criticism would alone be worth the endeavor. My time is worth so much more than that, and so I am reclaiming it from my mind, for my body. 
<br><br><br>
Ready to level up your self-care game? Listen to [Self Love Languages](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/self-love-languages) to learn how to connect with yourself in a deeper way.

...

__[Garrett Schlichte](https://www.instagram.com/gschlichte/?hl=en) is the Operations Manager at Dipsea, and also a freelance writer. Their work has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, Harper’s Bazaar, and other places on the internet and in print. Please send iced coffee.__

Body neutrality is the practice of respecting your body, even if you don’t love it completely. It focuses on everything your body can do, not on how it looks.

How to cultivate self-love and find joy with body neutrality

self-love

How to cultivate self-love with body neutrality

I’ve never been particularly good at being alone. Single? Sure. By myself for a bit? Of course. But alone? I can’t say that’s an environment I’ve ever particularly thrived in. For the majority of my working life, I’ve typically had the good fortune of living within walking distance of my office. If not within walking distance, then at least within walking distance to public transportation that offered me a quick ride to my destination. Even on those short walks to the office, or train, or bus, I’d built in not-alone time, meaning I’d routinely call my best friends to catch up. “How’s the walk to work” or, “Off a little late today, huh?” became the regular greetings I received in the morning or early evenings when my call was picked up.

Of course, there have been moments in my life, periods even, which I have had to spend alone, but I cannot say I relished these instances of solitude. Predominantly, they were spent half-heartedly nurturing neglected hobbies. Drawing, occasionally, cooking, if I happened to come across a particularly interesting recipe or a fun ingredient at the farmers market, or, more likely, feverishly scheduling plans with people in an attempt to be not-alone as soon as possible. 

So, as you might imagine, I haven’t taken the current mandates to shelter-in-place and socially distance extremely well. I’ve taken them extremely seriously, but not very well. Above all else, I know that because I am healthy and I have a roof to shelter under, I am better off than so many, and I will continue to stay exactly where I am because it is the least I can do to help flatten the curve, and avoid the risk of getting sick or spreading sickness. However, having been keenly aware of my own issues with social distancing well before it became a public health concern, I knew that in order to get through this time alone successfully, I’d have to do the one thing I’ve always avoided: figure out how to be okay by myself. 

__Naming the thing__

Having spent the early parts of my professional career working with students on college campuses as they navigated the various stages of collegiate life, it made sense to me to identify what I’m currently experiencing as, what psychologist [Nancy Schlossberg](https://www.transitionsthroughlife.com/bio/full-biography/) would call, a transition. It might sound obvious, but this context is helpful because it’s a reminder that this state isn’t permanent, it’s something to move through. Transitions are something I’ve navigated many times in my life—maybe not this exact one, but others nevertheless. 

Schlossberg also provides a [framework](https://www.unthsc.edu/students/wp-content/uploads/sites/26/Schlossberg.pdf) for coping with transitions, by identifying four areas to establish strongholds in while navigating change: Situation, Self, Support, and Strategies. Situation and Self were pretty easy to identify—I am going to be alone for a while inside my apartment because of circumstances beyond my control, but I am healthy and I have a place to be. Support was also, thankfully, fairly simple to navigate. My friends, family, and coworkers were and are the sources of my support during this transition. And although they aren’t immediately available to me in the way they were before social distancing, they also aren’t gone from my life. Now, the ways we interact simply look different. What it really came down to was figuring out the Strategies that would help me navigate how to settle into this new, temporary way of being. I can’t say that I’ve done it perfectly, but here is how I’ve coped with being alone. 

__Routine__

The first night I spent alone I sat myself down to establish a routine to follow that would become my new normal for the foreseeable future. I am a fan of routine, as it gives me a structure by which to navigate my days. But I was, perhaps, overly ambitious while writing out what my day-by-day would look like. I scheduled every moment from sun up to sundown, and upon starting that routine on day two, I followed probably less than half. As it turns out, there can be such a thing as too much structure. Now, rather than go minute by minute, I’ve established a routine that sets goals for what I’d like to accomplish during each chunk of my day. In the mornings I wake up, make coffee, read a little, get dressed, and make my bed. This sets me up to go about my day with the intention of getting things done. Then I work, break for lunch, work, and then find time to be outside, stretch, and move my body. For you, it might look similar, or vastly different. Whatever your routine may be, setting one, and then being graceful with yourself when adjustments need to be made, is one way to mitigate the feeling of restlessness that sometimes accompanies being by yourself. 

__Telling people what you need__

Rarely, if ever, have I had to tell anyone in my life that I needed them—they have just been there. Friends have answered my calls, my roommates have been home, coworkers have been at work, lovers have been (mostly) present, and happy hours or movies or events have always been on the calendar. Now, that is not the case. It feels incredibly vulnerable to tell someone you need them, but I have found it to be an important part of the practice of being by myself. Everyone is dealing with their own version of setting up a new routine right now, so it’s not realistic or healthy to assume everyone will drop what they’re doing every moment I feel lonely. However, it’s been helpful to tell people when I need to hear from them, and then navigate what that looks like. For me, it’s looked like weekly movie nights with friends and game nights with my family. And although my daily commute calls are out the window (because I lack a commute), sporadic check-ins here and there are still very much part of my routine. It’s important to remember that telling people what you need doesn’t automatically guarantee you’re going to get it, and it’d be unfair to assume it would. But, especially now that so much in-person communication is unavailable to us, it’s the only way people have a chance of figuring out how they can be there for you. 

__What do you want me time to be?__

Of course, for all the routines and movie nights I’ve set up for myself, there is still plenty of time I’ve been required to spend without the accompaniment of a digital presence. So, I sat myself down and asked myself what I wanted to feel in those moments when I am alone, and my answer came to me quicker than I’d expected; fed and free. For now, I’ve taken fed rather literally, and it’s manifested in cooking myself dinner every night. Cooking offers me the opportunity to walk away from my phone and computer, and focus on caring for myself in every possible way. It also takes a good bit of time and I also get to eat at the end, both of which are ideal situations to me. As for free, that’s looked a lot like two things. One, going on long, long walks outside. Despite it all, California is in bloom right now, and even if you don’t have blooms where you are, the sky is all the same and it’s been worth it to be under it. My other free moment is closing my eyes and dancing alone in my apartment. I don’t know about you, but I spend a lot of time thinking about what other people are thinking about me, in a way I don’t think I’ve ever noticed before. Dancing alone in my apartment, even with no other eyes on me, I still feel uncomfortable on a level, and so my new North Star for moving through this time is to shake off some of that concern. 

I have no intention of coming out of quarantine having learned a new instrument or a new language. I can’t even tell whether or not I’m ever going to make it through the book I’ve been working on. However, I do think I’ll come away from social distancing with a better understanding of myself, and better ways to navigate how I spend my time alone. I can’t say that I’ll ever fully like it, or that, regardless of how many meals I cook or dances I dance, I wouldn’t rather be doing it in the company of friends, but I do know that, at least for now, just existing is enough. 

Interested in deepening your self-care practice? Listen to ["Self Love Languages"](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/self-love-languages), which is available for free, along with the rest of our Guided and How To content, until April 30th.

...

__[Garrett Schlichte](https://www.instagram.com/gschlichte/?hl=en) is the Operations Manager at Dipsea, and also a freelance writer. Their work has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, Harper’s Bazaar, and other places on the internet and in print. Please send iced coffee.__

quarantine

Home alone: a quarantine survival guide

During this time of social distancing, many of us have found ourselves actually becoming less socially distant from the people we live with. Whether it’s our partners, roommates, friends, or family members, chances are you’ve been spending more continuous time together in the last few weeks than you have over the course of your entire relationship. [Healthy relationships require physical space](https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/forget-sex-the-secret-to-a-longlasting-relationship-is-space-20121105-28tle.html) in order to thrive, so what happens when you’re literally not allowed to leave your house? Here’s a basic guide on how to identify, set, and maintain boundaries with the people (physically) closest to you during the quarantine. 

__What Are Boundaries, Anyway?__

Think of setting boundaries as a form of self-care, a process for protecting your time and energy, and a way to honor your needs. Some of the most common types include: sexual, financial, emotional, physical, and verbal. We're going to focus on the two that may be the most helpful to you right now—physical and emotional. Let's dive in!

PHYSICAL

While humans are highly social creatures, even the most extroverted people need time to themselves. When we live with others, especially romantic partners, we often forget that it’s normal and healthy to map out intentional alone time. Pre-quarantine, many of us only spent time apart during work hours. Now that we don’t have that built-in time away from our loved ones, it is our responsibility to make time for ourselves.

I know this may sound difficult, especially if you live in a small apartment, but I promise that it’s possible! You and your housemates can decide to work in different rooms during the day or agree not talk to each other if you’re wearing headphones. You can also enjoy moments of solitude by taking a long bath or sitting in your backyard. Utilize this time to collectively brainstorm creative ways to maintain a comfortable amount of physical distance.

EMOTIONAL

This is the first global pandemic in the age of social media, meaning it’s almost impossible to consume any news that isn’t related to COVID-19. While it’s good to be informed, it’s ok if you want to tune out because you feel anxious or overwhelmed. If you and your partner or roommate have different thresholds for receiving information regarding the coronavirus, speak to them about this openly. Consider agreeing to a “headphones-only” policy to minimize any accidental eavesdropping of the news.

If you find yourself feeling drained during a conversation, it’s ok to say “I’m feeling at capacity for any talk regarding this topic. Can we change the subject?” Effective communication involves both expressing how you feel and what you need from others to feel better, so open up a line of communication to avoid resentment down the road.

Because the issue of health is also relevant at this time, be mindful of your roommates’ feelings about leaving the house. Everyone has different levels of risk they’re comfortable with. Try to come to an agreement about how often and for what reasons everyone is comfortable leaving, if at all. Be respectful and know that it’s better to air on the side of caution.


__Check In With Yourself__

Now that you have an idea of what some potential boundaries might look like, let’s figure out what yours are! Ask yourself some questions to assess how you’ve been feeling and figure out what you need. Here are some journal prompts to help guide you:

Have you been feeling annoyed or frustrated lately? Try making a list of everything that’s been getting on your nerves. Is there anything on the list you can address? Make a plan to resolve it. Is there anything that is out of your control? Make a conscious effort to let it go.

Do you have enough time and space for yourself? If not, come up with some creative solutions! Maybe that means taking an extra long shower or waking up early to enjoy the morning quiet while everyone else is still asleep.

Is there anything that would feel liberating to say “no” to? Many of us have suddenly become our housemate’s only source of face-to-face human interaction, but that doesn’t mean we have to hang out 24/7. If you don’t want to watch reruns of The Office  or listen to them talk about their relationship drama, you don’t have to! Choose one thing you want to say “no” to and then write about how liberating it would feel. When you’re done, challenge yourself to actually do it.

It’s important to understand that you can’t expect others to respect your boundaries if you don’t even know what they are. By understanding exactly what your boundaries are and how you want them to be honored, you are setting you and those around you up for success when it comes to respecting your limits. While it’s true that sometimes we don’t realize we have a boundary until it’s crossed, we can try to prevent this from happening by taking time to check in with ourselves.


__Let’s Talk About It__

Once you’re aware of your boundaries, you’re ready to communicate them. Schedule some time to have a conversation with everyone you’re isolating with about each person’s individual needs. Here are a few examples of how to communicate your boundaries effectively:

"I feel anxious listening to the news. Would you mind turning it off or listening with headphones?"

"I feel uneasy when you leave the apartment for more than essential trips. Can you please limit your time outside?"

"I’m worried about my financial situation during this time. Can we work out a way for me to contribute to the household in non-monetary ways?"

"I find myself feeling distracted when we work in the same space. How about we work in different rooms during the day?"

Using “I” statements, like in the examples above, is a great way to own your feelings and invite others to actively listen. Remember, there’s no need to take a defensive or aggressive tone. View this as an exciting opportunity to learn more about the people around you while also sharing more about yourself! Have everyone go around and express their needs and boundaries, one by one. Let each person speak freely, and wait until after they’ve finished to ask any questions or voice any follow-up thoughts. It doesn’t have to be an intimidating conversation, either. Share a bottle of wine or make some communal food to lighten any nerves.


__Stand Your Ground__

Just because you’ve communicated your boundaries, doesn’t mean things will magically change. Sometimes, people need to be reminded, and that’s ok. If this happens, have patience. It takes time for people to make lasting changes.

If someone continues to cross your boundaries, even after a few reminders, sit down with them and have a chat about how their behavior is affecting you. Remember to use “I” statements like “I feel disregarded when you leave the apartment to see your friend even though I expressed that as a boundary” or “It makes me feel anxious when you don’t knock on my door before opening it like I asked. How can I help remind you to do that?”

We ultimately can’t control whether or not people respect our boundaries, but through compassionate and effective communication we can try to come up with solutions so that everyone feels respected.


__Some General Things To Keep In Mind__

__Have compassion.__ We’re all struggling in different ways right now, so it’s important to show compassion to yourself and those around you. Some days will be better than others, and that’s okay. Remember that tomorrow is a new day with the potential to be better than the last.

__Be flexible.__ Rigidity is only going to cause rifts and arguments during a time that is already so emotionally charged. Don’t be the person who passive-aggressively requests $2 on Venmo after your roommate uses your milk. If you feel as though your boundaries have been violated, communicate that, but don’t cause issues that could be easily resolved with a conversation. Have patience and remember we’re all going through a lot.

__Don’t take things personally.__ If you find that your partner is snapping at you, remember that you’re most likely not the cause of their agitation, but you are the closest person for them to take out their frustration on. We’re human and we’re going to make mistakes. Little things will upset us more than they normally do right now. Keep this in mind as we all navigate our vastly evolving emotions about what is going on.

Interested in learning about boundaries in the bedroom? Listen to ["Saying Yes"](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/saying-yes) and ["Saying No"](https://app.dipseastories.com/stories/saying-no), availble for free, along the rest of our Guided and How To content, until April 30th.

...

__[Miss Cory B](https://www.instagram.com/misscoryb) (she/they) is a queer, polyamorous sex educator and kink coach. She uses humor and honesty to mentally, emotionally, and physically navigate the slew of (mis)information surrounding sex and non-monogamous relationships. Through self-exploration and experimentation, she has paved a path of sexual liberation for herself and is helping others do the same.__

Boundries

Setting boundaries: quarantine edition

Of all the glow ups that have happened over the past decade or so (special shout outs to the U.S. Women’s Soccer team, K-Pop, and the Queer Eye reboot), meditation deserves a spot among the most notable. According to a 2018 study published by the Center for Disease Control, the number of Americans who reported meditating at least once over the course of a year has more than tripled since 2012, increasing from 4 percent to more than 14 percent of adults. Well-heeled businesses dedicated exclusively to the practice of meditation are popping up in hip neighborhoods all across the country, and new mindfulness apps seem to surface with about the same regularity as movies starring Adam Driver (there’s even an app that curses like a sailor through each guided session, if that’s what you find relaxing).

Defined broadly by the CDC as “the act of engaging in mental exercise to reach a heightened level of spiritual awareness or mindfulness,” meditation allows individuals to reestablish the connection between mind and body and, as the lingo goes, to “be present” and “live in the moment.” A vast number of studies have shown meditation to provide relief across a wide range of conditions such as stress, anxiety, and depression, and even physical ailments such as irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia, and psoriasis. More than ever, people are seeking out wellness practices previously considered “unconventional” by traditional Western medicine.

> ...meditation allows individuals to reestablish the connection between mind and body and, as the lingo goes, to “be present” and “live in the moment.”

And as its popularity has grown, we’ve started to understand the benefits of meditation in entirely new ways: A study published in 2018 in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found that women who practiced meditation exhibited higher levels of sexual function and desire than women who didn’t. And while the study’s findings didn’t aim to establish correlation based on the frequency or duration of meditation practices, the overall conclusion was that essentially any amount of practice had the potential to yield positive results: “These findings suggest that, compared to women with no meditation experience, women who meditate to any extent have, on average, improved sexual function associated with better overall mental health,” writes Iulia Dascalu and Lori A. Brotto, co-authors of the study.


__Hitting “pause” before you play__

So, what is it about the act of closing your eyes and focusing on the breath that can lead to a more fulfilling sex life? Dr. Janet Brito, a Hawaii-based psychologist and sex therapist who has incorporated meditation in the treatment of her patients, asserts that it’s not about a direct relationship between the act of meditation and sex so much as a general increase in mindfulness and sensory awareness that can yield positive results.

“Meditation helps people to pause, and, with intention, to focus on what is front of them,” says Brito, and in the context of sex, that means sexual pleasure and connection. “These tenets help clients to then be more aware of their own pleasure zones, increase access to their bodily responses, and learn more about what feels good to them in order for them to teach their partners.”

In other words, the act of chanting om isn’t necessarily going to affect your orgasm in a direct way, but the sense of focus you experience afterward can be a huge boon to harnessing desire and sensation in a way that makes sex a lot more om my goodness.

> In other words, the act of chanting om isn’t necessarily going to affect your orgasm in a direct way, but the sense of focus you experience afterward can be a huge boon to harnessing desire and sensation in a way that makes sex a lot more om my goodness.
 

__Beyond breathing: pleasure vs. performance__

While the study covers the positive byproducts of mindfulness as they relate to sexual function and desire, meditation is also increasingly being incorporated into the repertoire of sex therapy techniques. At a time when one out of every eight women worldwide experiences sexual dysfunction related to personal distress, it’s becoming a tool that can be used to address the psychological and emotional barriers that prevent individuals from fully enjoying sex or intimacy. 

“Many people feel anxious about engaging in sexual activities for fear they won’t perform correctly or fear they won’t please their partner due to negative body image, history of trauma, or relationship conflicts,” says Dr. Brito. “The goal is to introduce clients to an aspect of sexuality where pleasure is the most important thing, versus subscribing to a performance-based approach to sexuality. Meditation helps folks to reduce this performance anxiety by helping them focus on the present moment, be curious, and be non-judgmental.”

Taking all of that into account, the orchid scene from 40 Days and 40 Nights suddenly seems so much more believable.
 
> "Meditation helps folks to reduce this performance anxiety by helping them focus on the present moment, be curious, and be non-judgmental." 

__“Orgasm is off the table.”__
 
These techniques, while in vogue again, aren’t necessarily new. The idea of using meditation-like techniques to return our focus to pleasure versus the end-goal of an orgasm dates at least as far back as the seminal work of sex researchers Virginia Johnson and William Masters in the 1960s, when they introduced a technique called sensate focus therapy. The practice guides patients into focusing on sensory perception and sensuality, rather than actual sex acts—a format, one might conclude, that very much resembles the work of increasing mindfulness and bodily awareness through meditation.

It's an approach Dr. Brito implements as part of her meditation therapy for clients and it begins with guiding them, either as individuals or as couples, in a plan to engage in “mindful touch” at least twice a week to start.

Initially, contact is intended to be made without involving genitals. “Orgasm is off the table,” she notes. “It’s not about performance. It’s all about pleasure and being mindful.” As clients progress, genital touching and mutual touching for couples is introduced, with the final stage being outer or intercourse.

> “It’s not about performance. It’s all about pleasure and being mindful.”

Sex is rooted in a vast range of lived experiences and possibly even genetics, and thus, the results of sensate focus therapy and other forms of meditation therapy can vary widely. But Dr. Brito notes that when it is successful, her clients have reported increased awareness of their bodies and sensations; a greater sense of relaxation during sex; less “spectatoring” (i.e. seeing yourself from a third-person perspective during sex); increased intimacy with partners; a greater sense of playfulness; and overall, increased sexual satisfaction.
 

__A beginner’s guide to (sexier) meditation__

Perhaps one of the greatest appeals of meditation is its broad accessibility; in its most essential form, all you need is your breath and the intention to focus. Guided sessions on popular apps like Headspace and Calm abound, and of course, there’s a dedicated breathing series and a whole range of pleasure-focused guided sessions on Dipsea. As the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy study suggests, it’s all helpful. And whether you’re considering a meditation practice for overall wellness purposes or more specifically as a means to improve your sex life, the objective remains the same: Strive to be present and non-judgmental. Even if it’s just for a couple of minutes a day.

> Perhaps one of the greatest appeals of meditation is its broad accessibility; in its most essential form, all you need is your breath and the intention to focus.

Lastly, as the popularity of meditation continues to rise and traditional practices are adapted to accommodate an evolving culture, Dr. Brito notes that it’s important to know how, where, and with whom you’re seeking guidance. 

“Trust yourself and listen to your inner voice. If it sounds too promising, and claims to provide X results if you give X amount of money, do additional research and consult a trusted friend or therapist in order to help you explore the risks and benefits. Don’t ever do something against your will.” And as with all things related to sex: “Consent is key.”


meditation

How meditation can help you have better sex

Find it easier to orgasm when you’re alone? That totally checks out. You’ve had years of practice and are likely tuned into the perfect speeds, pressures, and spots to turn you on. Although adding another person into the mix can up the sweaty fun, it definitely doesn’t guarantee a happy ending. In fact, as the cultural conversation around pleasure heats up, it’s becoming more and more clear that many women are dissatisfied with their sex lives. So what’s really going on here? 


Professor, sex therapist and author of Becoming Cliterate, Dr. Laurie Mintz, points to society’s fascination with goal-oriented intercourse and wants us all to stop obsessing over orgasms. “Setting up an orgasm as though it’s an aim to achieve makes having an orgasm less likely,” she says. By putting all our energy into reaching the finish line, we end up bypassing some of the most spine-tingling moments of sex and essentially try too hard to come. According to Dr Mintz, no two women achieve pleasure in exactly the same way anyway, so it’s confusing why almost everyone follows the ‘foreplay, penetration, orgasm’ model that often doesn’t work. Over 80% of women can’t climax through penetration, which means many of us are rushing through the best parts(kissing/touching/biting) in an attempt to experience a G-spot sensation that probably isn’t even possible.

> By putting all our energy into reaching the finish line, we end up bypassing some of the most spine-tingling moments of sex and essentially try too hard to come.

"Whether you reach G-spot orgasm is due to your biological makeup, not something you are doing right or wrong,” says Dr Mintz about the frustrating truth that no bendy vibrator is ever going to disprove. “Perhaps knowing how I approach my G-spot will help you. Because of what I do for a living, people often ask me if I’ve found mine. I tell them I haven’t even looked. I know about a very reliable, easily accessible “spot” (aka, my clitoris) that gets me there every time. So, I figure why go looking for one that’s hard to find – and that I might not even find if I look? To me it’s like searching for buried treasure when my ATM card is handy and my bank account is full.”

Now we know that most women can’t derive pleasure from that mystical spot (apart from the lucky 18%), she’s got us questioning why so many of us prioritize penetration over our own pleasure? “One common, and sometimes subconscious thought people have is that their partner’s pleasure is more important than their own. It’s important to let go of this thought and instead, embrace the idea that you are equally entitled to pleasure as your partner.” 

[![giphy](//images.ctfassets.net/03of3q5qzesq/1uvzVBl7OIH9pz6Qzpw0IK/2e1ad9f413ac19535c3391995cee3172/giphy.gif)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXRYLb1m4q4)

To do this, Dr Mintz encourages couples to try an alternating style of intimacy, which is much more likely to end in a female orgasm. "When we stop thinking of a vaginal orgasm as the end-goal of sex, we are more likely to take a turn-taking approach to sex (e.g. oral sex where she orgasms, followed by intercourse where he orgasms). It also takes the pressure off men to ‘give’ a woman an orgasm by thrusting hard and lasting long, so makes a more fun and orgasmic encounter for all.”

> "When we stop thinking of a vaginal orgasm as the end-goal of sex, we are more likely to take a turn-taking approach to sex...

She also believes you can reach a whole new level of pleasure by simply concentrating on the sensual moments of foreplay and sex, rather than the end game. Her mindful method removes any orgasm expectations and shifts the focus back to what feels good, whether it’s nipple play, cuddling, oral etc. “When you are having a sexual encounter, focus fully on the sensations in that moment, rather than being trapped in your head thinking about whether or not you are going to orgasm/if you are taking too long/how you look etc. Such distraction is common during sex, and the antidote to this is mindfulness, which is a full present focus. Practice mindfulness in your daily life first, then bring it into the bedroom. Research shows it helps enhance desire, pleasure and orgasm.”


obsessing-over-O

Stop obsessing over orgasms

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When April and Dan walked into my office, they were desperate. Sex, which was once fun and easy, had seemingly walked right out of their marriage. Dan worked hard to find a way to lure April back into the bedroom; his attempts missed the mark, and April took this as a sign that Dan didn’t love her enough. It became the pattern that April wasn’t in charge, Dan was. Unless he found a way to light her match, their sex life would stay doomed. 

April and Dan’s sexual problem reflects a larger dynamic: pointing the finger at partners. What are you doing for me? How are you meeting my needs? How are you turning me on (or off)? Lots of finger pointing.

I’m a therapist that works with individuals and couples on sex and relationship-related issues. I ask people to turn their focus around and ask: What am I doing for you? How am I meeting your needs? How am I turning myself on (or off)? It’s not about blame, but rather about taking ownership. 

For couples like April and Dan, that last question turns the standard sexual narrative on its head. Rather than focus on how Dan was failing at turning her on, April could, as the famed relationship therapist Esther Perel says, “own her wanting.” Owning your wanting is about agency, taking control of your erotic energy, and using it to guide you toward sexual fulfillment. Okay, so how do you go about...doing that?

__Owning your own seduction__

I asked a bunch of women, “How do you seduce yourself?”. It turns out many women are deliciously narcissistic when it comes to sexuality. They told me that feeling and looking good are really important. The research on male and female sexuality supports this—men are turned on when their partner is turned on, women are turned on when *they* are the turn on. 

> I asked a bunch of women, “How do you seduce yourself?” It turns out many women are deliciously narcissistic when it comes to sexuality.

A lot of the women I spoke with talked about taking (mostly NSFW) photos of themselves as a way to get in the mood. Erica focuses on the parts of her body that she loves—her lips and breasts—and then may or may not send them to her girlfriend. Alexa wears lingerie in hers. Rachel sends her husband nudes while he’s at work, just to surprise him. Lauren, who started sending photos because her partner asked, told me, “it was about him at first, doing things he liked and filming it. Now I’m into it just for me…I love what it brings out it me. I feel so sexual now.”

Taking sexy photos delivers on the need to be the turn on. But what’s more, they help women integrate being sexual into their identity. Dr. Emily Nagoski believes this idea is hugely important. “Don’t just have sex. Be a deliciously erotic woman who is curious and playful about sex,” she writes in her book, *"Come as You Are"*. 

Here’s what a few women told me: 

·      “In a long term relationship building anticipation can be difficult. When I take a shower and shave, the whole ritual feels really seductive. Just like when I use to get ready to go out when I was dating.”

·      “When I run errands, I put in headphones and pick songs that are really sensual, and I pretend that the person singing is singing to me. Or about me. It’s like being made love to on the pavement outside the grocery store.”

·      “Sometimes I browse online for things…thigh highs, or lace bodysuits, and I don’t even buy anything! I just think about how it would feel or look to wear that at home. How [my partner] would look at me in them.”

__Nurturing the idea that you're a sexual being__

I asked women what their idea of a 'sexy woman' is. What does she look like, or do, or say? I asked because, by imagining this person, I believe you can find ways to incorporate her into your life. April’s answer was a woman who is powerful and put together. She wears high heels that make a perfect click-clack against the floor as she walks to her corner office. 

> I asked what their idea of a 'sexy woman' is. What does she look like, or do, or say? I asked because, by imagining this person, you can find ways to incorporate her into your life.

Feelings of power or success were common themes in the conversations I had exploring self-seduction. Shay lifts weights and runs, which helps her feel powerful and in control. Dani goes to the gym and watches herself in the mirror; “I’m attracted to myself when I feel strong...and I like appreciating my body.” She also has a mirror in her bedroom to use with her partner.

Sometimes nurturing the idea that you’re a sexual being can actually be pretty basic. Take Amber and Jessica, both of them new moms. “After spending most of my time taking care of someone else...I haven’t been able to shower, or even pee.” Being able to get in the mood might feeling clean, putting “normal” clothes rather than sweats, finding the time to put on makeup. Devoting an hour to your routine can be a seriously important reminder that you’re not just a mom, you’re a woman. 

Erin, who described feeling completely cut off from her sexuality after a tough time, found that a random treat yo-self trip to the nail salon did a lot. “I was riding the subway to work like normal, but every time I looked at my nails I suddenly felt like a different woman. The kind of woman who has her shit together. And I felt really sexy and alive.” 

__Turning off the turn offs__

Mindfulness is proven to reduce the impact of negative thoughts, but that isn’t always easy. As a struggling business owner who worked from home in yoga pants, April didn’t see herself as powerful, successful, or desirable. She struggled with self-critical thoughts and the disconnect she felt between who she was and her image of a sexy woman. Sound familiar? I have good news that might take some of the pressure off: Dr. Emily Nagoski argues that rather than pumping up the turn ons, it’s more important to figure out the blocks, or the turn offs. Hate focusing on what your body looks like instead of enjoying a feeling? Dim the lights! Chip away the turn offs until you’re more able to get out of your head. 

>Dr. Emily Nagoski argues that rather than pumping up the turn ons, it’s more important to figure out the blocks, or the turn offs.

Here are some of the other ways women told me they counteract their mental blocks, turn offs, or their inner critic: 

·      “Whenever I feel a lull, or stuck in a rut, I immediately reach out to my friends for a night out—or even in. Laughing and feeling connected with them pulls me outside of myself.”

·      “It took some coaxing, because I [struggle with] my body, but I let my boyfriend film us having sex. I wouldn’t let him look at it until I had watched it by myself but I was so surprised! I couldn’t stop staring at myself—and actually at him watching me. It was like suddenly realizing why my boyfriend wants to have sex with me, I thought I looked so good. It’s a good reminder for when I feel too in my head.”

·      “I got in a terrible fight once before work and instead of slouching into the office I made sure I looked good. Just because I felt like crap doesn’t mean I had to look like crap. I was able to stay in touch with the part of me that is ok despite fighting.”

What the women I interviewed shared aren’t revolutionary tricks, but they can have revolutionary outcomes. Self-seduction is simply about claiming ownership over your erotic energy, your sexual self. It’s knowing your turn ons and turn offs and creating context that works for you. 

So, curious what happened with April and Dan? In one session, April admitted through tears of frustration and some relief that she’d given up responsibility over her own sexuality, and knew she was asking Dan to something she (at least partly) needed to do herself. She did some really hard work to get there—and now she has the (way more fun) work of self seduction ahead of her! 

*Author’s note: names have been changed to protect individuals’ privacy.*


Self-seduction is simply about claiming ownership over your erotic energy, your sexual self. It’s knowing your turn ons and turn offs and creating context that works for you. 

Exploring the art of women's self-seduction

seduction-Image

The art of self-seduction

Have you ever had a mind orgasm? If you're mentally flicking through your sexual history trying to remember when, or where, you might have had one: "It's the kind of orgasm you experience when you're asleep and have a really amazing erotic dream," explains sex expert, therapist and coach [Rebecca Dakin](https://www.thegreatbritishsexpert.co.uk/). 

If you've encountered that sweet, sleepy sensation before, you'll know just how powerful mind orgasms can be. They're also great proof of how intrinsically the brain is linked to sex. In theory you can climax without anyone–or anything–touching your body, which is pretty damn incredible. But those involuntary hot and steamy happy endings are few and far between, so how else can you use your brain to boost your orgasm count?

Research has proven time and time again that sexual fantasies are super common. They fuel
arousal, work with our physical sensations to heighten pleasure, and can make you forget the day’s stresses, or the fact that you’re sleeping in your childhood bedroom over the holidays, and take you to wherever you want to be or whomever you want to be with. The more I heard about the method from Rebecca, the more I realized this practice really puts you in control of your pleasure, and into your own sexual safe zone. Each fantasy is molded by your own mind, dreamt up in the privacy of your thoughts, and doesn’t need to conform to social norms, narratives or expectations. Fantasy is freedom, baby.

One study found that 95 percent of the men and women it surveyed engaged in some form of sexual fantasy. From romantic storylines to hardcore kink, our minds can throw out all kinds of erotic curveballs. Whatever the flavor of your sensory visions, fantasies are a
healthy, normal way to explore what you like.

> From romantic storylines to hardcore kink, our minds can throw out all kinds of erotic curveballs. Whatever the flavor of your sensory visions, fantasies are a
healthy, normal way to explore what you like.

Unsurprisingly, Rebecca’s pretty much the biggest advocate for it, revealing that ‘doctors and nurses’ really gets her aching down below. "It's about exploring what works for you. It doesn't have to be real, there are no taboos, it's not even something that you necessarily want to happen. A fantasy can be something that's just that – a fantasy."

For solo fun, she says thought and touch can be combined for an explosive experience. “Your imagination allows you to bring exciting scenarios to life and explore alternative boundaries. Fantasies are beneficial in masturbation because you can transport yourself into a different world.”

And while it sounds easy to zone into a fantasy when you’re masturbating alone–no distractions and no breaks in pleasure as you switch the sexual focus to your partner–what if there are more people at the party, or you want to bring your partner in on your ideas? 

“It's as simple as saying, ‘I've had some fantasies, do you have any?” and exploring what they’re comfortable with. Want to come at the same time? When they’re getting close and you want to catch up, close your eyes and imagine you’re being watched by a curious stranger, or that a third is in the mix, or that your partner is a park ranger and you’re up in a lonely cabin–whatever you’re into! 

"Fantasies help with a very healthy sex life,” she continues. “I'm not saying you should always be fantasizing because, at times, you need to be present in the moment with who you are,” but there’s no shame in bringing mental stories into the bedroom.  

> “I'm not saying you should always be fantasizing because, at times, you need to be present in the moment with who you are,” but there’s no shame in bringing mental stories into the bedroom. 

If fantasy is new to you, here’s how to set the mood. "I would start by listening to erotic fiction, finding stories or scenarios that turn you on,” says Rebecca. "Everybody can indulge in fantasy but some people find it very difficult to kickstart their imagination. Those people just need a some encouragement, confidence and guidance, so get the communication going, listen to some erotica and note the things that turn you on.”

What better place to tap into your sexual appetite than Dipsea? “Sound allows you to get into a meditative state, touch yourself, get yourself aroused. Dipsea is a great way for people to start exploring themselves. The best bit? It’s a hands-free experience.”


The Deep Dive

Listen, light yourself up.